The Nifty Fifty

‘WHILE DJ Tony Blair books his ticket to Ibiza, he might like to wonder why he is already out of the running in one popular vote.

‘Call me Tony’

The Independent has seen the runners – and, thanks to the …

All Talk And Show

‘CONSIDER yourself lucky. As part of Tony Blair’s Big Conversation, he had planned to write for this publication.

‘Am I still number one?’

But what with the British information superhighway being more of a B road, Tony was forced by …

Penny Dropped

‘KEEN readers of Anorak will know what fans of Penny Lancaster – photographer, girlfriend to Rod Stewart and occasional underwear model – we are.

‘And this is my flash’

And if we allow ourselves a little smile at this morning’s …

Keep Kilroy Off The Box

‘“SHIP, Ship, Hooray!” Thus does the Sun celebrate the death yesterday of Britain’s most prolific serial killer, Dr Harold Shipman.

The doctor is out

The former GP who killed more patients than the rest of the NHS put together hanged …

It’s All Relative

‘CONGRATULATIONS to 22-year-old car saleswoman Kristina King, winner of the Star’s “sensational” Search For A Babe 2004 competition.

Not as big an arse as Johnson

Lucy Pinder she isn’t – let’s face it, who apart from Lucy is? – but …

My Little China Girl

‘A FARMER in China who paid £1,300 for a bride was naturally disappointed to discover that his spouse wasn’t too keen on consummating their union.

She complained of feeling unwell for the first six nights after the ceremony before running …

In The Drink

‘YOU lishening carefully? No, you lishening really, really carefully? Cos I’ve got shomething really, really important to tell you.

Nine out of then drunks would marry Britney Spears

No, I’m not pished. I’ve jusht had a couple of little, weeny, …

Monkey Business

‘CANADIAN multimillionaire Phil Sprung is suing the Alberta government for the return of his poker-playing monkey, Tarzan, and three other pets seized during a 2001 raid on his Calgary ranch.

He has filed a £250,000 lawsuit for the return of …

A Liking For The Viking

‘FIRST up, hearty congratulations to the new BDO world darts champion Andy Fordham.

Andy Fordham skewers another of his opponents

We overlooked the achievements of the man known to his legion of fans as The Viking yesterday, and now seek …

Who Ate All The Pies?

‘JUST when you thought television could not get any flabbier along comes another series of Celebrity Fit Club.

Vanessa had a bit of help in the ‘catch a peanut’ competition

And who are the unfit fat ones waiting to turn …

Zero Rated

‘REMOTE controls in the air, all of you who have ever watched any of the BBC’s digital channels. And now hands up, those who did so while in the UK and not in traction.

”Anyone out there?”

So that’s…no-one.

As …

Kwik Fixes

‘WHEN you are motoring along at criminal speeds, take care not to career into that enormous lorry pulled up on the hard shoulder.

”Land ahoy!”

It’s not a wagon full of asylum seekers and cocaine, but the last word in …

Crime Pays

‘THE message to drivers is that the Government wants you to put your foot on the gas and speed.

Mrs Johnson does her civic duty

A woman in a town 100 or so miles away has been brutally mugged and …

Better To Be Thought A Fool…

‘IF you can tell a lot about a man by his enemies, you can tell a lot more about him by his friends.

A victim of PC and UV

And judging by the pictures in this morning’s Express of two …

Church Goer

‘IT’S not only Maria Church who can’t stand her daughter’s ex-boyfriend, Steven Johnson – the rest of us are fast coming to the same conclusion.

”And I hear they might even have pineapple chunks on a stick”

The 19-year-old model-DJ’s …

Maid In England

‘JOURNALISTS frequently risk life and limb to bring us their reports from war-zones, to infiltrate criminal gangs or to interview Naomi Campbell.

Beware Of The Dogs, Chefs, Valets…

But few assignments can have been as hazardous as the three months …

Home Remedies

‘DEMI Moore has never needed any second invitation to remove her clothes and show off whatever body she happens to be sporting at the time.

Paris brushes her teeth

But even new $400,000 bodies need servicing – and we’re not …

The Big Five-O

‘IF Hilary Clinton is Miss September, then who is the even more familiar face of Miss July (and half of August)?

Miss July (and half of August)

Why, it’s none other than the king-size queen of the talk show, Oprah …

Babes Against Bush

‘HILARY Clinton is no stranger to stripping off for the cameras – as a student, she posed naked as part of a Yale University eugenics project.

Hilary shows off her manifesto

And while the National Enquirer tells us that the …

Daylight Robbery

‘SUSPICIONS that referee Paul Durkin is related to Manchester United’s equally small and ginger Paul Scholes are made stronger with today’s news.

”What does Alan Shearer have to do to get a penalty, ref?”

The Guardian hears the referee in …

Garden Invaders

‘AFTER Robert Kilroy-Silk’s now infamous article in the Sunday Express, perhaps BBC2 should consider following up its programme What The Romans Did For Us (which tonight focuses on Hadrian’s Wall) with a similar series on What The Arabs Did For …

Pole Position

‘TWENTY-FIVE-YEAR-OLD Erica Meredith has been arrested in Indianapolis for driving a car with a picture of a pole dancer painted on it.

Police also impounded the car, a 1976 Buick that belongs to Meredith’s boyfriend Keyon Johnson, charging the mother-of-two …

Brazier Burns Brightly

‘FLICKING through OK!, it’s pretty obvious that what Ben Affleck, Julia Roberts and the other stars who open their souls to OK! need is a miracle daughter like Natasha Bryer.

Goody and her gumdrop

But, life is rarely fair. But …

Something Blue

‘WITH Tania Bryer around, OK!’s future – indeed, that of us all – is in safe hands.

The Rat Pack

But while the love affairs, marriages and divorces of Natasha and Francesca Bryer are OK! photoshoots to come, people today …

The Stepford Daughters

‘IN the pursuit of perfection Natasha Bryer has something of a head start on the assorted Armanis, Jordans and Chelseas who, along with their Slovenian maids, make up the celebrity playground.

Blonde ambition

You see perfection is a woman called …