Two Weddings & A Funeral

‘ALFIE and Kat saw in 2004 as man and wife after their wedding finally went ahead despite the groom still being married and having a service conducted by David ‘Little Briton’ Williams.

Bride comes before a fall

Christmas morning saw …

Book Worm

‘NEW Yorker Patrick Moore, 42, loves books very much – his flat is full of them.

But he might like them a little less since a pile of them collapsed on top of him.

‘I was hollering for two days, …

Spitting Image

‘AT Anorak, we feel it is our role merely to impart the news of the day to our esteemed readers, not to embellish it with comment.

Do NOT try this at home

With this in mind, we are content simply …

A Question Of Degrees

‘IF you think about it, our antiquated system of identifying people by name was just crying out for reform.

Victorious England rugby captain

After all, the fact that one of the England rugby captain’s ancestors was called John is not …

A Numbers Game

‘GOOD morning. This is HX47658B talking to you from deep inside the bowels of Anorak Towers.

BF28549A

Around me sit my colleagues FA87256A, LU90121A and VD54906B; on the wall hang posters of the luscious NN67498A and the delectable SX68262B; and …

Just The Ticket

‘SOLOMON would have known what to do. But given the received wisdom that possession is nine tenths of the law, the chances of Rebecca Jemison sharing her £37m lottery winnings with Elecia Battle appear slimmer than Atomic Kitten at a …

Three Chairs For Vinnie

‘FROM high life to low life, the Sun moves away from Diana to show us what Vinnie Jones is getting up to these days.

Vinnie does ‘concerned’

In ‘WHITE VIN MAN’, the paper follows the former footballer as he embarks …

A Black Day

‘BLESSEDLY, the Mirror brings news that the Princess Diana ”MURDER’ PROBE’ will be overseen by none other than the nation’s top cop, Metropolitan Commissioner Sir John Stevens.

WANTED: Swarthy foreigner to fit up for death of a princess

Soon we …

Di – Another Day

‘PRINCE Charles, James Hewitt, Oliver Hoare, James Gilbey, Hasnat Khan, Will Carling, Bryan Adams, Dodi Fayed… The surprise is not that tonight’s Channel 4 documentary Di’s Guys should be spread over two nights, but that it should be spread over …

The Midfield General

‘FANS of football clubs often sing about running round such-and-such a place with their willies hangin’ out.

The cock of the north

But one fan of Dutch club ADO Den Haag preferred to behave in such a way at home …

Muddying The Waters

‘THE Rio Ferdinand case continues to be a clear as mud. Well, that not entirely true, since we all know that Rio did miss the drugs test and was found guilty of wilfully doing so by an independent panel.

Lies,

Picture Perfect

‘DID you know that two-thirds of girls under the age of 13 are on a diet? No, not a diet of crisps, hooch and morning after pills, but one of lo-fat foods and lashings of protein.

And here’s one we

Liberty XXX

‘IF Prince Charles had really wanted to kill Diana, surely he’d have just bought her a new hat with antlers on it and then issued Harry and Wills with the command, ‘Shoot!’

Mag hag

Chas could even have hired the …

Killer Wales?

‘THROUGHOUT history, murderers have not always conformed to the stereotypical image of a crazed killer.

Facing life at Mummy’s pleasure?

Ted Bundy was the family man, John Christie the respectable academic and Jeffrey Dahmer the meat lover – all masked …

Goodwill Hunting

‘IT is customary at Christmas for businesses to send cards to their best customers, their suppliers and even journalists they want to suck up to.

‘And here’s how you cook the books’

But most contain relatively anodyne messages inside – …

The Mother Load

‘FIRST, some good news for the embattled Tories – the election of Michael Howard as leader has given the Tory party a two-point boost in the opinion polls.

Hitler used to give his mum a lift to bingo every Monday

Concrete Cows Week

‘THE past 30 years have been a difficult time for Steerforth & Son, purveyors of fine concrete cows to the aristocracy since 1836.

The Milton Keynes rodeo had trouble attracting a crowd

In fact, it could be said that the …

The Marsh Of Time

‘SHAME on any of you who booed Kym Marsh when she appeared on stage to congratulate Phil Taylor at the end of the World Darts final last weekend!

Kym was devastated when she realised someone had stolen her breasts

Didn’t …

Dress For Success

‘HANDS up, those of you who have joined a gym already this year. And hands up, those of you who are still going. That’s one of you, then.

Zoe puts her little black dress through its paces

Much better to …

Ugly – The New Beautiful

‘A SHE-MOUNTAIN wins Pop Idol; a Hobbit becomes World Idol; and Victoria Beckham has a career as a model – these days it’s good to be ugly.

Phwoar!

In fact, as Anorak readers will no doubt be delighted to learn, …

A Dirty Job

‘MANY are the victims of burglary who return home to find that in the adrenalin rush of crime the villain has left a large pristine turd behind.

But police in Sweden are fighting back. After more than £25,000 worth of …

To Sleep, Perchance To Dream

‘BARELY five days in and the optimism that accompanied the arrival of 2004 has all but evaporated.

Do Not Feed The Dumb Animals

Channel 4 has proven that 2003 was no fluke and is resolutely committed to broadcast some of …

Space Hoppers

‘IS it any coincidence that, at a time when the United States and its ally, the United Kingdom, are under the greatest terrorist threat in their history, they should both be launching expeditions to Mars?

A one-hit wonder?

Indeed, the …

New Labour, New Tarmac

‘EFFORTS to ban fox hunting have repeatedly foundered against a Barbour-clad wall of opposition from groups such as the Countryside Alliance.

Welcome To Somerset

Every time the issue comes to a vote, hereditary peers, who haven’t been to London since …

Art And The Man

‘REMEMBER Robin Cook? Small, gnome-like man with a red beard and a taste for ugly secretaries. Used to be Foreign Secretary. Resigned from the Cabinet last year over the war in Iraq.

Portarit Of The Artist As A Gnome

No? …