Hit And Run

‘FIRST the good news. English football in Europe is more than just Manchester United after Arsenal made a stride towards the Champions League’s last eight with a 3-2 win over Spain’s Celta Vigo.

Chambers reaches the finishing line

The Independent …

Marijuana Is A Plant

‘MANY students have not gotten along too well with their teacher, but assistant school principal Pat Conroy of South Haven High School in Michigan took things further than most.

Convinced an unnamed boy at his school was dealing drugs, Conroy …

Do The Hustle

‘IF I had a penny for every film or TV show based around a bunch of guys and gals getting together for one more job – the big one! – I’d have at least a pound.

The mockney Ocean’s 11

Clumsy Colin

‘COLIN Farrell is in a wheelchair after breaking his ankle and arm in an accident.

A man’s man

The Mirror prints a picture of the hapless actor as a Thai lady pushes him through the airport at Krabi, a small …

Beauty And Brains

‘BEAUTY and brains is a powerful combination – just ask the ladies of Cambridge University.

The new Cambridge entry exam was an egalitarian triumph

Or, if you don’t live in Cambridge, you can save time and read today’s Daily Express. …

Jordan Bust-Up

‘HOLD the front Page! And hold it tight, because it weighs a ton!!

Luckily for Jordan, the scars soon faded

Yes, Jordan’s on the front of the Star again, for the 1,578th day running. And when we say front, we …

Smilie Culture

‘TO make our new arrivals feel comfortable as they motor along in their uninsured death-traps (see Mail and Express every day), the police are erecting signs that will smile at them as they pass.

A Bad Trip

The Times shows …

Blues Are The Colours

‘YOU cannot but help feel a pang of sympathy for the migrants that come here having been fed a diet of a Britain of tipped caps, fine manners and good grace.

Ahmed, Yuri and the gang arrive safely in London

Labours Of Love

‘YOU could hear the collective sigh of relief go up over the Home Counties as the Home Secretary outlined his latest plans for immigration.

Svetlana, Molly and Jack enjoy a good laugh at mummy’s expense

Svetlana, the indispensable Slovenian homehelp …

Gooners On Manoeuvres

‘ARSENAL fans must be pinching themselves this morning, before lighting a long panatela cigarette and giving a little skip of joy.

Gordon’s eyes have seen the glory

Last year’s claim that the balance of power had shifted from Old Trafford …

Love Handles All

‘ROLF Schmidt, a 38-yar-old German, says he will only marry his lover, Isabel Witte, if she weighs ten stones. Since she now tips the scales at 14-stones, nuptials seem a way off yet.

The other condition of winning that old …

Sky’ s The Limit

‘FOR all the huff and puff about Rupert Murdoch’s ambitions to take over the role of Britain’s biggest broadcaster from the BBC, his Sky TV channels still pour out an unrelenting stream of sport and American-made shows.

How could this

A Right Two And Eight

‘JUST time to say that OK! has spotted Victoria Beckham shopping in a supermarket in Camden Town.

Two and three spells trouble

Many of you will know that Camden is not in Madrid, where her husband plays football (see Posh’s …

Harping On

‘RECORDS are made to be broken. That’s what we have steroids for.

Kerry and her team vow to call everyone to tell them about her life

And that’s what we have Kerry McFadden for, too. Kerry is on course to …

Brought To Book

‘MANY years ago, the TV show Record Breakers featured a man who had written the Lord’s Prayer on the back of a regular postage stamp. He had done this not once but around ten times, on the one stamp.

Also

Masonic Conspiracy

‘ONE can understand why a foolish young chancer might want to impersonate a footballer. The bar bills might be expensive, but if there’s a roasting in the offing, he might consider it worth the expense.

Mason couldn’t score in a

Neither Use Nor Ornament?

‘VICTORIA BECKHAM is in the news not once, but twice today. Normally this would please her, as she reads the papers that have been flown in and ironed for her perusal.

Less talented than Fergie

She will be less pleased …

Costa Little

‘OUT of sight, out of mind. That’s what they say. But then again, there’s always an exception that proves the rule, and the exception is, of course, the national soap opera that is Posh’n’Becks.

Day-vid was sure he’d buried Posh

Mourning Sickness

‘WE know you are upset. Spot, the White House dog, was a good ‘un. But his time was up.

‘I never met her, but I just know I’ll miss her terribly’

If it makes you feel any beer, we’ve opened …

Piss Taking

‘GIVEN the average 15-year-old’s desperation to appear cool before his peers, news that one in three 15-year-old claims to have taken illegal drugs at least once seems a low number.

Rex found nothing of any substance in the entire school

Spot The Dog

‘SUCH is the Bush clan’s love of repetition that the demise of Spot, the White House dog, will surely be followed by the arrival of a new Spot, slightly shorter and more stupid than the first, but just as obedient …

For Whom The Bell Chimes

‘“I KNOW I’m going to get slaughtered,” said Gerard Houllier, the Liverpool manager, after his side’s defeat to Portsmouth in the FA Cup, “but I don’t feel under any more pressure than before.”

As they say in Liverpool, ‘Au revoir,

A Voter’s Best Friend

‘WE should all exercise our voting rights. Even if Tony is going to get in again, we should still vote – just in case.

But Brenda Gould, of Newmarket, near Cambridge, took things too far. ‘Mrs Gould completed her form …

A High-Steaks Gamble

‘THE Affleck-Lopez “conversational smorgasbord” is so full of cheese, turkey and ham that occasionally we miss the real meat in the story.

The stakes are nearly as high as Ben’s hair

What that is, we don’t know – we most …

The Tori Party

‘THE freezer at Anorak Towers is still full of the remnants of the Jennifer Lopez-Ben Affleck no-show weeding.

Looks like our Comfi-Slax will arrive not a moment too soon

Take it from us, you can have too much of a …