Lamb To The Slaughter

‘WHEN you say of someone that they ”turned heads”, it is usually perceived as a compliment.

Why’s everyone looking in the opposite direction?

However, if you fail to specify in which direction the heads turned, it can cut both ways. …

A Poor Excuse

‘THE Sun forfeited any pretence at objectivity when it comes to Manchester United years ago and is now little more than the Old Trafford in-house rag.

Too rich to be guilty

So it’s no surprise that it has already acquitted …

Walters, Walters Everywhere

‘TELEVISION has more Annual General Meetings than pretty much any other industry.

”It’s for my colossal humanity, you know”

These Soap Awards and Bafta Awards are routinely self-aggrandising affairs. Even the Oscars, the daddy of them all, loses all impact …

Cell-By Date

‘CARST Kijlstra, 32, from Assen, Holland, was hungry.

So he went shopping to his local Eddah in order to to buy some veal for dinner, but the assistant would not serve him because he wasn’t carrying a basket.

Mr Kijlstra …

Tipping The Velvet

‘QUEEN Victoria reportedly did not believe in lesbianism. Not only did she not practise it, but she could not even countenance that other people did.

A Royal Command Performance

Of course, they didn’t have MTV in her day, otherwise she …

Diana – The Truth

‘WHY anyone thinks the inquest into Princess Diana’s death, which will start in the New Year, will uncover the truth about the fatal car crash six years we don’t know.

Diana had a strange feeling she was being followed

Does …

A New Carr

‘SUCH is the desire in the media to portray Maxine Carr as a new Myra Hindley that anyone wishing to enter next year’s Turner Prize would be well advised simply to adapt Marcus Harvey’s artwork, which formed the centrepiece of …

No Place Like Home

”’HE tumbled down stairs, rolled on barrels and even rode a scooter in his cub days,” reports the Times.

”An old boot. How I miss Richard and Judy!”

We know how he feels. But the cub in question is not …

Money Isn’t Everything

‘JONATHAN Bradshaw is not just a semi-namesake of Jonny Wilkinson.

”I spent all my money on the bike, so I couldn’t afford Anorak’s new range of hardwearing leisurewear”

He is also an academic at the University of York, and he …

Honour Them Now!

‘ANORAK prides itself on offering a conflict-free environment for all staff.

”I know I should have done my Christmas shopping earlier”

By and large, it is an agreeable world in which to while away the 70 or 80 years that …

Dope Test

‘AFTER waiting and waiting and waiting, today is the day when Rio Ferdinand will kneel before the FA beaks and plead for leniency.

Rio was gutted at having to give the Harvey Nicks sale a miss

That is, of course, …

Jingle Smells

‘WHAT is the essence of Christmas?

Researchers investigating the issue have found the three ingredients for a perfect Christmas are candles, carols and mulled wine with cinnamon.

Professor Brammer, who led the research, says that combinations of experiences had a …

Who Judges The Judges?

‘THERE are certain jobs that, once you have got them, are almost impossible to lose. One of them is being a judge. In fact, no judge has ever been sacked for incompetence – and Mark Easton wants to know why. …

Testing Testing

‘THERE are two ways to improve test results – one is to perform better, the other is to lower the pass mark.

Britain in 2006

The trouble about the first one is that it often requires a lot of hard …

Every Dog Has Its Day

‘BRITAIN is a multicultural society – or so we are told every day in one of the country’s 17 official languages.

Rover had already mastered German and was now learning French”

And nowhere is that more true than in the …

Phil Your Boots

‘THE message is simple – if you want to get ahead in the Tory party, then you should get a new name – Philip.

”You can call me Phil”

Research by the Fawcett Society has found that three Philips have …

A Total Eclipse Of The Heart

‘POSH should worry less about her grapes and more about her precarious position on the pop star perch.

”I am the walrus…”

Come the end of Saturday’s Pop Idol final, La Posh could have been bounced off it by the …

Sour Grapes

‘AFTER pages of depravity, readers of the Sun still get to hear about what Posh Spice is getting up to.

Posh knew she had her work cut out if she was to become a redcoat”

The paper thinks this clearly …

Breast Wishes

‘PSYCHOLOGISTS would doubtless have lots to say about why it is that on a news day where Ian Huntley and his perversions hold sway, Page 3′s stunnas disappear.

”Are these ones waterproof, Kevin?”

Both the Star and the Sun choose …

An Indian Summer

‘IT isn’t often that a cricket match not involving England leads the back page of one of our newspapers, but it’s not every day that Australia get beaten in their back yard.

Don’t worry, Oz, there’s always the World Armpit

Name and Shame

‘SADDAM Hussein has changed his name to ‘bring him good luck’. This is not the Saddam, so beloved by US marines, but a 27-year-old resident of Ramallah on the West Bank.

”I thought it was a bad end for him …

Paws For Thought

‘SIEGFRIED and Roy are famous for two things. Firstly, they seem to have hair made of a substance not hitherto known on planet earth.

Do not try this at home

Secondly, they perform a magic act with white tigers, one …

Limited Expectations

‘CHINS up! Our celebrities might be blessed with all the talent and charisma of an empty toilet roll but Britain’s men have American women swooning.

”Traffic wardens are little Hitlers”

Having already tamed Madonna with Guy Ritchie, the Mail takes …

Forces Majeure

‘THE tidal change brought about by Pop Idol’s Michelle McManus’ high dive into the showbiz deep end has yet to reach all corners of the pool of fame.

”We’ll not meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when…”

The proof …

All Pop And No Fizz

‘WE get the stars we deserve.

”I hope to do for pop what Vanessa Feltz did for journalism”

And what we deserve in this first decade of the 21st century are, as the Mail so eloquently explains, a 15-stone events …