A Badly Made Bedsit

‘BY now, tens of you are glued to the goings on in Bedsitcom.The experimental TV show is sharpening the cutting edges of the leading edges. Its edginess and sexiness are breaking down walls and asking questions of a moribund TV …

Nice Drop Of Riechsling

‘ALESSANDRO Lunardelli is an Italian wine producer with a mission. He wants us to appreciate, as he does, the subtle delights and fresh bouquets of his Hitler wine.

His cause has been helped by Belgium and Germany trying to ban …

Needs Locking Up

‘IT’S Christmas time. So, obviously in Eastenders it’s time for another horrific rape storyline. And for good measure, the producers thought it would be a jolly jape for the victim to be Little Mo again and – here’s the killer: …

Our Survey Says…

‘HAVING convinced themselves of the success of Great Britons, the programme in which different public figures argued the merits of various dead white men’s claim to the title of the Greatest Briton, the BBC is looking to extend the idea …

Crime & No Punishment

‘FORMER England cricket captain Nasser Hussain yesterday escaped a Test match ban after allegedly calling Sri Lankan spinner Muttiah Muralitharan “a fucking cheat” and “a fucking chucker”.

The new Mike Gatting

Match referee Clive Lloyd gave Hussain the reprieve because …

The Brain Drain

‘THE original Brain Drain saw dozens of scientists and academics flee these shores for the New World, trading in the pittance they were paid here for the big bucks of the United States.

Basildon School of Nail Technology’s loss was

Messiah Complex

‘ONE woman who married a younger man is Victoria Beckham, who writhes around on the front page of the Sun in a futile bid to relaunch her pop career.

”Water into wine! Feed the five thousand! But I can’t make

Go Figure

‘NEWSPAPERS love figures. Not necessarily the curvy figures of “crackin’ college twins” Rebecca and Sarah Addison who adorn the front page of the Star, but figures as in numbers.

Demi and her Action Man

Curvy numbers like eight, but also …

We’re No Squares

‘HOW soon we forget! Just a few years back, we the people made our feelings heard and demanded that an effigy of Princess Diana Of The Immaculate Dress And Shoes be placed on the empty plinth at one corner of …

Peace In Our Time

‘THE thing with the US constitution is that the part about “We the people” is just about the best bit.

The Army

Lower down the order of things, around Article 29, the people are all given guns so that “we” …

Bill Of Frights

‘“WE the people,” begins the US constitution.

One too many Cooks

That simple opening line is one the leaders of the European Union’s 15 present and 10 future members should consider as they wade through the 300-page long draft EU …

Blessed Are The Thieves

‘A MAN who popped into a church in the Russian town of Nakhodka to get blessed for a safe journey home came out to find his £70,000 jeep had been stolen.

The man was so shocked when he left the …

Rearguard Gunners

‘IF sport is all about hitting your best form at the right time, then Arsenal epitomise the very best of it.

All Gunners blazing

Seemingly destined for an early Champions’ League bath a few weeks ago, the Gunners are now …

A Good Deed

‘WE’VE had the cops, the lawyers and in Quincy we even had an autopsy or two. And of course we’ve had villains by the ton.

Man behaving badly

And now we’ve got the judiciary in the shape of Judge John …

Porn Again Christian

‘IF only Songs Of Praise were as much fun. German priest Frithjof Schwesig has felt the wrath of his congregation after it emerged that a video he had sent out about God’s message at Christmas in fact contained hardcore porn. …

Bunker Busters

‘WE don’t imagine that one in five British soldiers will be getting lucky at their Christmas parties in Iraq this year – but they will be getting some festive cheer.

The Star’s elite Red Caps

And it comes courtesy of …

Office Party Politics

‘IT is, of course, the season to get jolly and get up to a bit of tra-la-la-la-la with that foxy chick in sales or that handsome hunk in accounts.

Anorak Xmas Party 2002

The Sun calculates that one in five …

Street Life

‘ANYONE who can make a woman of average looks, below average talent and with no discernible career into arguably the most recognisable face in Britain deserves our admiration.

Victoria Beckham relaxes at home

In fact, so impressed – if possibly …

A New Malthus

‘FEW who have watched Susan Hampshire in Monarch Of The Glen would argue that she is uniquely placed to talk about the problems facing the planet today.

Susan Hampshire, just minutes before burying herself in a time capsule

So it’s …

Welch Rarebit

‘DENISE Welch and husband Tim Healy invite you to the Cinderella Starlit Marquee at the Belfry Hotel in Cheshire for a night where they will ”make dreams come true”.

”Going once, going twice…”

If your dream is to mingle with …

Say Cheese

‘NEIL ‘Foxy’ Fox, the rhomboid-faced panellist on TV’s Pop Idol, has done well in showbiz.

”We’ll give you 10 and then free the hounds”

Having the perfect profile for radio has enabled him to, as he says early on in …

Send Them (Back)Packing

‘EVER since Jonny Wilkinson cocked his leg and let fly, the Australians have been working on ways to enact their terrible revenge.

We’ll send him back…

And now we find it in the Telegraph.

News is that the highest court …

A Class Act

‘WHEN viewing the numbers of students from working class backgrounds at universities, it’s all a matter of what angle you approach things from.

”Now all I need is to find £20,000 lying around”

The Telegraph observes that the bastions of …

In The Brown Stuff

‘WHEN the person who looks after your money appears in a Times headline alongside the word ”gamble”, panic you may.

”Take a chance on me”

The man making the wager is Gordon Brown, and the bet is simple: he’ll commit …

Phil Goes Down

‘IT looks like Mr Potato Head is going to be having porridge for his Christmas dinner as he’s still languishing in Walford nick, getting progressively worse at acting – if that was humanly possible.

”Hey, you’ve held me in the