Bunker Busters

‘WE don’t imagine that one in five British soldiers will be getting lucky at their Christmas parties in Iraq this year – but they will be getting some festive cheer.

The Star’s elite Red Caps

And it comes courtesy of …

Office Party Politics

‘IT is, of course, the season to get jolly and get up to a bit of tra-la-la-la-la with that foxy chick in sales or that handsome hunk in accounts.

Anorak Xmas Party 2002

The Sun calculates that one in five …

Street Life

‘ANYONE who can make a woman of average looks, below average talent and with no discernible career into arguably the most recognisable face in Britain deserves our admiration.

Victoria Beckham relaxes at home

In fact, so impressed – if possibly …

A New Malthus

‘FEW who have watched Susan Hampshire in Monarch Of The Glen would argue that she is uniquely placed to talk about the problems facing the planet today.

Susan Hampshire, just minutes before burying herself in a time capsule

So it’s …

Welch Rarebit

‘DENISE Welch and husband Tim Healy invite you to the Cinderella Starlit Marquee at the Belfry Hotel in Cheshire for a night where they will ”make dreams come true”.

”Going once, going twice…”

If your dream is to mingle with …

Say Cheese

‘NEIL ‘Foxy’ Fox, the rhomboid-faced panellist on TV’s Pop Idol, has done well in showbiz.

”We’ll give you 10 and then free the hounds”

Having the perfect profile for radio has enabled him to, as he says early on in …

Send Them (Back)Packing

‘EVER since Jonny Wilkinson cocked his leg and let fly, the Australians have been working on ways to enact their terrible revenge.

We’ll send him back…

And now we find it in the Telegraph.

News is that the highest court …

A Class Act

‘WHEN viewing the numbers of students from working class backgrounds at universities, it’s all a matter of what angle you approach things from.

”Now all I need is to find £20,000 lying around”

The Telegraph observes that the bastions of …

In The Brown Stuff

‘WHEN the person who looks after your money appears in a Times headline alongside the word ”gamble”, panic you may.

”Take a chance on me”

The man making the wager is Gordon Brown, and the bet is simple: he’ll commit …

Phil Goes Down

‘IT looks like Mr Potato Head is going to be having porridge for his Christmas dinner as he’s still languishing in Walford nick, getting progressively worse at acting – if that was humanly possible.

”Hey, you’ve held me in the

Nativity Play

‘SARAH Lou and Todd are really getting into the spirit of Christmas. Unfortunately they’re not tucking into turkey and lashing out on presents: Sarah Lou is pregnant and penniless.

”Have you nicked my Busted CD?”

If she chooses to keep …

Souled Out

‘SELLING your soul is not as easy as you might have thought.

A Dutchman, who is offering a ”soul in good condition with no serious damage” on eBay, has so far not received a single bid.

The man from the …

Turkish Shower

‘IT’S not often you see pictures of footballers sitting on the bench beneath umbrellas.

”I just need a lighter for a full house”

The Guardian shot of the Chelsea substitutes and coaching staff at the club’s game against Besiktas is …

You’re Having A Laugh

‘FOR a country that prides itself on its sense of humour, we don’t half produce a lot of rubbish comedy shows. Or in fact we don’t produce a lot of rubbish comedy shows – we produce very few shows and …

Having A Ball

‘GIVEN the heritage of the Australian people, the chances of retrieving the rugby ball Jonny Wilkinson struck between the posts to win the day for England are slim.

”Analyse that!”

The Times tells us that there were five balls used …

Holly Go Dearly

‘BEING collectively blessed with a GCSE in geography, we know that it often “rains” and is “wet”. We know that at other times the “sun” shines and it is “hot”.

An expensive piece of Holly

And when there is “thunder” …

A Class Act

”’WERE teachers better in your day?” asks the Times beneath a story about how half of all primary school lessons are sub-standard.

”Hmmm. Which end do I use?”

You can send your answer via email to the Times, who will …

Punch Drunk

‘ONE man who won’t be driving down Britain’s first toll road in a hurry is that wild man of rock, Blue’s Lee Ryan.

Sophie Amogpokpa after viciously headbutting Cheryl Tweedy’s fist

Lee is currently serving an 18-month driving ban after …

For Whom The Road Tolls

‘A COUPLE of days ago, we observed that if it wasn’t for the unsung army of undercover journalists performing vital service in all walks of public life, the country would fall apart.

The Wapping Expressway

Well, today we again salute …

Crash! Bang! Wallop!

‘AT first glance, it might appear that England rugby’s kicking machine Jonny Wilkinson and Black Sabbath bat-eater Ozzy Osbourne have little in common.

Jonny’s all smiles after hearing that Daniel Hyde is all right

But the tabloids make strange bed-fellows …

On The Bandwagon

‘ENGLAND are “On Top Of The World”, says the Telegraph – with a barely concealed dig at those often ungallant but battling losers Down Under it.

”Just don’t pass it to Ben Kay!”

And yesterday England’s rugby union team were …

Bootleg Beetles

‘THEY have got a new, and interesting door policy at Berlin’s Sage Club – clubbers who arrive for the weekly Housebug Party have to eat a crispy fried beetle before they are allowed in.

According to the club’s management, the …

Loft Cause

‘GIVEN the ubiquity of American-made sitcoms – at least the good ones – on Channel 4, the roots of Bedsitcom are founded in quicksand.

”And I’m not in it”

The producers have decided against setting the entire thing in an …

Howard’s Way

‘ALL this talk of overweight children, drugs and greed provides a neat link to the country that pretty much invented the unholy trinity: America.

Rebel with a cause?

Thinking big has long been the American way and the Telegraph learns …

Thighs The Limit

‘HUMBUGS all round to the staff at Peterborough’s Orton Centre where a disabled 12-year-old girl has been told she can’t bring her wheelchair into Santa’s Grotto in case it damages the floor.

”And get that spotty kid out of my