No Idol Threats

‘TRACEY Emin, Damien Hirst and other enfants terribles of the British art world must be pea green with envy.

‘Down with generic tin foil statues!’

The Mail’s pictures of the 25ft effigy of George Bush, erected then dramatically pulled down …

Mummy Knows Best

‘THE Claddagh Gold Locket might be a timeless token of love, but flesh and bones age even faster than all but the finest nine-carat gold.

Demi Moore – The Prototype

Demi Moore tried to rewind the clock with a surgeon’s …

Locket Or Lose It

‘IF Day-vid Beckham really wants to woo Posh once more, he could do far worse than buying her The Claddagh Gold Locket.

‘Two lockets and a pint of chicken’s blood please, mate’

This trinket, as the Enquirer explains, stands for …

Slap Dash

”BECKS BLOWS UP! – Over Posh’s American hunk,’ screams the headline in this week’s National Enquirer.

The remodelled Becks was okay, but something had clearly gone wrong with Posh

And therein lies the stuff of fantasies. Of course, the headline …

Victory Is Ours

‘IT was touch and go for a while but now England are guaranteed victory in the Rugby World Cup.

‘Cheer up! There’s always the Close Harmony Singing Championships’

News in the Mail is that David Beckham is backing England for …

The Wedding Planner

‘IF the Americans knew where Britain actually was, they could come over here and make TV programmes pointing out how absurd we are – but they seem to be labouring under the impression that we are all a lot smarter …

See You Later

‘IT’S lucky that the incident happened in the US and not over here.

Given the slowness of delivery and the crippling strikes, any alligator found in the UK mail might have perished en route.

But the incident was in the …

Hitting The Right Note

‘IT would be the ultimate Christmas present – a fiendishly difficult jigsaw puzzle that leaves anyone who completes it £1,200 richer.

‘Let’s see them try to stick pieces of ash together’

A year ago, 12-year-olds Rachel Aumann and Maisie Balley …

Tony & Mr Simpson

‘WITH journalists, comedy terrorists and peace-loving pensioners all breaching security at Royal residences in recent weeks, it was only a matter of time before they were joined by a cartoon character.

‘And that’s what we call the Boston Tea Party’

Singing The Same Song

‘IMAGINE President Bush as Keith Harris and Tony Blair as Orville. [As John Lennon said, it isn't hard to do.] Clear your throat and prepare to sing along.

‘She’s only bloody gone and swiped my wallet’

‘I wish I could …

Mo-mentous Occasion

‘GREAT news it is that Kacey Ainsworth is pregnant again.

And soon there’ll be an even littler Mo

This is a happy day, and it is only right and proper that this news makes it to the front page of …

Saving Face

‘WITH George Smith, Paul Burrell and now Ryan Parry at large, the butler might not have done it, but for a few quid he’ll tell you who did.

‘They’ll never recognise me now!’

Knowing that, it would be wiser if …

Changing The Guard

‘WHEN Christopher Robin went down with Alice, all he saw were the guards. Yesterday, readers of the Mirror got to see the inside of Buckingham Palace.

‘Queen’s beroom? Up the stairs and second on the left’

The Mail affords its …

Bride Of Frankenstein

‘THIS week saw possibly the greatest soap wedding in history as Roy Cropper made Tracy Luv a not-so-honest woman.

The happy couple

Ceiran, who they’d dragged off the street to be a witness, could hardly contain himself. “It’s the first …

An Ordinary Jo

‘WE trust you have all cast your votes for the first semi-final of Hello!’s coveted elegant woman of the year title.

Joanna had to take the news lying down

If not, you only have until 9pm on Monday November 24 …

Taking A Back Seat

‘OVER the years, Australia has exported such cultural gems as Rolf Harris, Men At Work, Kevin ‘Bloody’ Wilson, Neighbours and Jono Coleman.

Kylie’s buttocks in happier days

But even they pale into insignificance next to the two perfectly-formed buttocks that …

Going Down Under

‘AS if Australia didn’t have enough excitement at the moment what with the international Pommy-bashing spectacular that is the Rugby World Cup, they have just had a visit from the Hilton sisters.

‘You’ve got something on your lip, Paris’

Yes, …

A Gulf In Class

‘IF George Bush can teach Tony Blair anything more, it is that any defeat of England in Sunday’s rugby World Cup final should be swiftly followed by an all-out ‘shock and awe’ attack on Australia. That would, as the president …

Blue Moon

‘MOONING is no longer a custom peculiar to the British.

Over in Brazil, Fergal Thomas has been arrested for forgoing the obligatory Rio thong and baring his full backside to the people of that fair city.

Coming onto the stage …

In A Sunshine State

‘AS any protestor against God FM shock-jocks Bush and Blair will tell you, “no-one” in Britain wants George Bush to be here. No-one is a pretty definite number.

”Shall I get fries with the burger?”

But we have found at …

Sandwich Course

‘SUCH is the security surrounding President Bush’s trip that we are not even privy to what he will have for dinner, let alone the identity of his pre-dinner snacks.

Education Secretary Charles Clarke – before and after lunch

Suffice it …

On The Trail Of Trailblazer

‘IT is a safe bet that President Bush knows little about the Rugby World Cup – a safe bet because President Bush knows little and because World Cups traditionally take place on American soil with only American participants.

”What time

Hospital Pass

‘WHEN Lord Nelson was ordered to halt bombardment of the Danish fleet in the middle of the Battle of Copenhagen, he deliberately put his eyeglass to his blind eye and thereby claimed never to have seen the command.

CENSORED

Had …

Another Country

‘YOU’LL have to forgive the people of Maresfield if they don’t come out in force to march against President Bush’s stay at Buckingham Palace.

Jordan tried to fit in with rural life

The locals of the East Sussex village are …

Spousal Abuse

‘WHILE Britney and Jacko show signs of being divorced from reality, some just want a divorce from their spouse.

Chamber of horrors

The Express casts an eye at the divorce petition posted up by Amanda Holden yesterday and sees that, …