Choc Horror

‘ONE hundred staff at the Bank of Scotland’s offices in Edinburgh were evacuated after a hold up – by a chocolate Santa.

The offending article was picked up by an X-ray machine in the post room and string on its …

Oliver’s Army

‘HENRY Ford may have thought that history was bunk, but TV producers can’t get enough of it at the moment with tonight’s documentary about Oliver Cromwell providing a backdrop to the BBC’s costume drama about King Charles II.

"Restoration! Restoration!

Girl On Girl Power

‘REMEMBER the Spice Girls? Five wannabes who cannot accept that their 15 minutes of fame is almost over.

Another Kiss And Mel story

As Victoria Beckham gets Top Of The Pop viewers to vote for which of her two potential …

Idol Threats

‘ALL is not well in the Pop Idol house, which on Saturday night lost its youngest occupant Roxanne Cooper when her version of Let It Be failed to impress the public.

”Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps

Rugger Buggers

‘ONE can only imagine what the response from the papers would be if – and it is a very big ‘if’ – England ever won the football World Cup.

The boot of God

Rugby union’s appeal may not stretch much …

The Famous Fifteen

‘LIKE you, we’ve been wondering who’ll play Jonny Wilkinson in a soon-to-be-made TV biopic about the all-kicking wonder.

Robinson, Dallaglio and Wilkinson commiserate with George Smith and his soggy meringues

Since Jonny plays his club rugby in Newcastle, and Tony …

One Way Or Another

‘AFTER Tony Blair’s professed admiration for the glam rock screams of The Darkness, other Labour musos are opening up their own record collections.

”I’ll have a cup of tea and tell you of my dreaming”

The Independent says that a …

Georgia On Our Mind

‘THE people of Georgia are a hard crowd to please. Losing to England, the eventual winners of the rugby World Cup, is no shame for many but to proud Georgians it placed the tin lid on a box full of …

The Bewitching Hour

‘BETWEEN 7:30 and 8:30 something odd happens to Channel 4.

‘I’m Randy’

It’s as if the broadcaster’s old programmers have wrestled free of their shackles and been allowed to produce some informative and, dare it not be said, entertaining television. …

A Girl Thing

‘PAPIA Adhikary might be little more innocent than most.

But it was her misfortune to meet and be wooed by her future husband at a typing school in North Calcutta.

Best make that her future wife because the woman to …

Best Of Ruck

‘AS if any of you need reminding, Saturday marks England’s chance to be world champions at rugby union.

‘It’s 11 against 11, 90 minutes…’

Sadly, the Mirror supposes that many of its readers have not a clue about the sport …

Heart Attack

‘IT appears that just about everyone knew about the Prime Minister’s heart problems before he did.

The Bushes come out in sympathy for the Prime Minister

President Clinton recently told reporters that he had known about the condition for years, …

Any Storm In A Port

‘MANY miles from Istanbul in the north Lincolnshire town of Immingham, life goes on as normal.

‘Any other business?’

Or not quite as normal because the town’s self-styled ‘man of the people’ Michael Perrin has been banned from holding public …

Murder Most Foul

‘ONE can only imagine the feeling of betrayal on the faces of the two suicide bombers when they find that the cold-blooded murder of 27 people is as repugnant to Allah as it is to the rest of us.

Turkey

Crowe’s Feat

‘AMID all yesterday’s placards calling for the banning of the bomb, freedom for Tooting and the return of Grant Mitchell to EastEnders, was one that simply said ‘F**K O*F’.

The ugly side of Russell Crowe

Aimed at nothing and everything, …

Sun Downer

‘OF course, whether you march or not, the truth is we are all going to die anyhow.

‘Give the Big C the Big E’

We know this because the Mail makes it its job to tell us. The only thing …

No Idol Threats

‘TRACEY Emin, Damien Hirst and other enfants terribles of the British art world must be pea green with envy.

‘Down with generic tin foil statues!’

The Mail’s pictures of the 25ft effigy of George Bush, erected then dramatically pulled down …

Mummy Knows Best

‘THE Claddagh Gold Locket might be a timeless token of love, but flesh and bones age even faster than all but the finest nine-carat gold.

Demi Moore – The Prototype

Demi Moore tried to rewind the clock with a surgeon’s …

Locket Or Lose It

‘IF Day-vid Beckham really wants to woo Posh once more, he could do far worse than buying her The Claddagh Gold Locket.

‘Two lockets and a pint of chicken’s blood please, mate’

This trinket, as the Enquirer explains, stands for …

Slap Dash

”BECKS BLOWS UP! – Over Posh’s American hunk,’ screams the headline in this week’s National Enquirer.

The remodelled Becks was okay, but something had clearly gone wrong with Posh

And therein lies the stuff of fantasies. Of course, the headline …

Victory Is Ours

‘IT was touch and go for a while but now England are guaranteed victory in the Rugby World Cup.

‘Cheer up! There’s always the Close Harmony Singing Championships’

News in the Mail is that David Beckham is backing England for …

The Wedding Planner

‘IF the Americans knew where Britain actually was, they could come over here and make TV programmes pointing out how absurd we are – but they seem to be labouring under the impression that we are all a lot smarter …

See You Later

‘IT’S lucky that the incident happened in the US and not over here.

Given the slowness of delivery and the crippling strikes, any alligator found in the UK mail might have perished en route.

But the incident was in the …

Hitting The Right Note

‘IT would be the ultimate Christmas present – a fiendishly difficult jigsaw puzzle that leaves anyone who completes it £1,200 richer.

‘Let’s see them try to stick pieces of ash together’

A year ago, 12-year-olds Rachel Aumann and Maisie Balley …

Tony & Mr Simpson

‘WITH journalists, comedy terrorists and peace-loving pensioners all breaching security at Royal residences in recent weeks, it was only a matter of time before they were joined by a cartoon character.

‘And that’s what we call the Boston Tea Party’