Liar Liar

‘TONY Blair should be careful – the CIA, Pentagon and FBI are apparently considering using brain scans to tell whether a person is lying or not.

FBI locate Bush’s brain in a Texas bar

The Guardian explains that it takes …

Kippers’ Ties

‘IF only George and Barbara Bush had not let young George Dubya and brother Jeb move out of home, how different the world might be.

If George and Barbara Bush had only let the boys have a TV in their

Bush Whacked

‘IN his spare time, US Secretary of State Colin Powell and his wife Alma apparently like to educate young girls in Washington about the virtues of sexual abstinence.

Go Tony

It is a pity that he didn’t teach President Bush …

What The Doctor Ordered

‘SUCH is the power of the Atkins Diet that by the time you have finished reading this your writer will be ten pounds lighter.

‘I stink therefore I am thin’

So light will I be that my fingers will actually …

Mad (Public) House

‘OFFICIALDOM has gone MAD. And that’s official! Just listen to what the Sun says it discovered only the other say.

‘The banana was yellow’

In Officialdom Gone Mad Part 1, readers learn of a headline-grabbing “racism swoop on pub landlady’s …

Oranges Not The Only Fruit

‘CLEARLY we all want a copper for Christmas. At the very least they will serve to carry our bags and employ their truncheons and pepper spray to beat a clear path through the crowds of shoppers.

‘I think of myself

Can You Beat It?

‘SO egalitarian is Tony Blair that in consultation with his Home Secretary, David Blunkett, he’s giving you the chance to live like him.

Buy now and get a free teddy

The lifestyle guru will have to wait, as will the …

Putting the FA in Farce

‘ALAN Smith is used to incompetence – he is surrounded by it on the pitch at Elland Road and has seen it at close quarters in the Leeds United boardroom.

Coming or going?

But proving that it is a big …

Putting the FA in Farce

‘ALAN Smith is used to incompetence – he is surrounded by it on the pitch at Elland Road and has seen it at close quarters in the Leeds United boardroom.

Coming or going?

But proving that it is a big …

Peas In Our Time

‘THE Royal Family have done a very good job of turning themselves into an international laughing stock, but the Germans almost had the last laugh more than 60 years ago.

‘Now take your time. You say Prince Charles opened you

Tripping The Light Fantastic

‘GIVEN that most of the country’s top minds are engaged in working out how many pints they can have before they start seeing Kylie’s arse in duplicate, it is little wonder that Britain is no longer at the forefront of …

Cheeky Girl

‘THIS weekend is the last chance for all but one Frenchman to witness that great British institution – Kylie’s bottom.

The Russian judge surprises everyone when he gives a 0.8

The owner of the buttocks in question may be Australian, …

You’ve Been Ad

‘WHAT do you think of when we say the words “Gary Lineker”?

After Cheese and Owen and Salt and Linkers, Walkers seek inspiration for a new flavour crisp

Some will think of goals and see Gary scampering up the pitch …

Heart Of Darkness

‘MANY of the greatest artists have produced their finest works from the very pits of despair.

‘Help me if you can, I’m feeling down…’

While losing his crown as Parliamentarian of the Year to Michael Howard is not in itself …

Identity Crisis

‘THE picture of Michael Howard admiring his presentation plate for Parliamentarian of the Year is certainly a “good omen”.

‘A lot of blood, sweat and tears have gone into me getting this award’

It’s pretty clear that rumours as to …

A Happy Dog Tail

‘GERMAN police dog Falk has been sacked after catching more rabbits than criminals. Dog handler Bianca Mauermann, 29, from Dresden said the one-year-old dog was just too nice to work for the police – instead of sniffing for criminals or …

New News

‘ALEXANDER Armstrong, one half of the comedy duo Armstrong & Miller, takes over from Jimmy Carr in the Have I Got News For You hot seat tonight.

‘Well, I can’t be the compere and be a team member every week

Go To Blazes

‘GIVEN the many hours Hollywood stars have put in at charity fundraisers to collect money to fight AIDS and the like, isn’t it about time that we started doing something for them?

‘Don’t worry, mum. Dad wasn’t famous’

And in …

Sex Please, I’m Britney

‘BRITNEY Spears may have come across all coy when asked what her new single Touch Of My Hand is about, but she is, in the eyes of the Enquirer, ‘sex-crazed’ and ‘out of control’.

Britney was just very bad at

Not A Leg To Stand On

‘WE’RE not sure just how many pairs of legs Michael Jackson bought when he underwent his total face and body reconstruction a few years ago, but it looks as if he’s running low.

The hinge had gone in Demi’s left

Over The Hill

‘RICHARD Hill!! Yes, folks, THE Richard Hill. You’ll all know who he is because ever since injury stopped him from playing the papers have been talking about Hill being the key to England’s chances of lifting the Rugby World Cup. …

Gorilla-gram

‘DONNA Air and her zoo-owner boyfriend Damian Aspinall intend to place baby daughter Freya in the care of a gorilla to introduce her to the animals.

She will be put into the gorilla enclosure at Howletts Zoo near Canterbury, Kent, …

Daisy, Daisy

‘DAISY Donovan is the funniest woman on TV right now.

Louise Theroux

We can say that with great confidence since Daisy Donovan is the only woman who consistently appears on terrestrial TV as a comic performer.

Sadly, Daisy is also …

Guinness Is Good For You

‘WHEN Madonna is down the Rub-a-dub-dub with ‘er other ‘alf, she no doubt likes to put away a few pints of that English drink, Guinness.

Cold remedy

So she will be cheered to read in this morning’s Mail that a …

A Dog’s Dinner

‘HOLLY Valance may be so homesick that she has to pretend she is in Australia by posing in a bikini even in the middle of winter, but Madonna is a true Cockney sparrow.

The Beaufort Hunt’s new uniform raised a