Greasy Poll

‘MOST politicians probably feel like paedophiles most of the time.

‘People say I must be batty to want this job’

Not only do they spend an inordinate amount of time hanging round schools and kissing babies, but they are about …

Keeping Up

‘NOT for no reason is Suranne Jones known as the knicker model’s knicker model.

Also available for work with bras

Ostensibly an actress on Coronation Street, where she plays Karen McDonald – who, by sheer coincidence, sews knickers for money …

Horses For Courses

‘WHEREAS the famous pay their way in life, able to afford the niceties from the own bank accounts, the mere celebs look for the freebie.

‘Who had rice?’

Whether it be an old sock, a cinema ticket or a drink …

Better Latte Than Never

‘IT’S hard to put all of Donna Air’s achievements in one short passage but OK! is brave enough to give it a shot.

‘And a fried slice for table two’

“Donna wears cashmere cardigan, £149; jeans, £35, by Per Una; …

England See Red

‘SAMOA managed to raise their game for their Rugby World Cup match against England but failed to find the same heights the next week against South Africa.

Wales are no soft touch

How England must be hoping that Wales do …

I’m On The Train

‘LEAVES on the line. The wrong kind of snow. Lazy staff who can’t be bothered to work so they’re striking instead. All excuses for trains not running on time. And now for a new one from America: hand stuck down …

Clever Trevor

‘WHO needs reality television when you have the news?

‘Is ‘Dirty’ Den Watts the new Saddam Hussein?’

Tonight, Trevor McDonald, the poster boy of reality news, goes to Iraq in Sir Trevor Goes Back to Baghdad (ITV 8pm).

So nice …

Just Beat It

‘EVER noticed how the police are getting younger? Granted, you have to remove their white hoods to see their faces first, but it’s true, isn’t it?

The Bullring has never seen policing like it’

That’s for another time. But for …

Present Tents

‘WHEN Frank Bruno was taken to Goodmayes Hospital in Essex, he was lucky to get in when he did.

Charles tries the town’s air freshener

The Mirror explains that if Frank were sectioned in the weeks to come he might …

Being Frank

‘“YOU could say this is the greatest fight of my life.” So says Frank Bruno, boxer, panto dame and Renaissance man, if you know what I mean, ‘arry.

‘Behind You!’

And we do know what he means, since a pun …

My Genes Are Too Tight

‘FOR years, fat people have insisted that it is not their fault that they have more rolls than Vanessa Feltz on baking day.

This island race

Now, it seems that they may have a point after scientists discovered that some …

Bashing The Bishop

‘WE are used to arguments along the lines of “My god is bigger than your god”, but now we have to listen to arguments such as “My god dresses better than your god”.

‘Have you got anything in pink?’

Yesterday, …

Robin Hoodlum

‘SCOTLAND loves its heroes, especially the ones who gave their treacherous English neighbours a black eye – Rob Roy, William Wallace, Robert The Bruce, David Sneddon…

‘I’m as Scots as Rod Stewart’

So you can only imagine that they might …

The Skinny From Skinner

‘WHITNEY Houston is a drug addict. As revelations ago, that is up there with the news that George W Bush can’t watch TV and chew pretzels at the same time.

‘Yes, but I never inhaled’

But it is also the …

Marriage Wrecker

‘UMA Thurman may no longer be an ugly duckling, but it does appear that she is a single woman again after he split from womanising husband Ethan Hawke.

Nicole’s ghost look was beyond pale

But if the Enquirer is to …

Shag-A-Geek Week

‘IT is almost obligatory for Hollywood sex symbols to confess to being teased at school because of their looks – either they were too tall, too goofy, too spotty or just too weird.

An ugly duckling out of water

The …

Fine and Dandy

‘FOR all the sport that is on the back pages this morning, they may as well be the court circular – except the court in this case would be a judicial one.

‘See you at White Hart Highbury’

So let …

House Of Horrors

‘HOUSE OF Horrors sounds like just the sort of thing for Halloween TV (for the few of you who are not out chucking eggs and flour over your neighbours).

Messers Bodgit and Leggit at work

But – surprise, surprise – …

Boy, Oh Girl!

‘YESTERDAY, the Mirror announced that Sir Paul McCartney and his wife Heather Mills had given birth to a baby boy.

‘She’s got her father’s penis’

This morning, the papers apologises that this news was only half right – Heather had …

Chest Expander

‘TALKING about the Middle East brings us to Jordan and the news, also in the Sun, that the busty model is planning to design her own range of undies.

Jordan was shocked to see that her new breasts still had

Peace In Our Time

‘TONY Blair has apparently called a war council – no, don’t panic, we’re not invading anywhere this week – to plan how to deal with the Tories’ new leader-in-waiting Michael Howard.

‘I call the left one Yasser’

And well he …

The Silence Of The Lemmings

‘“SCIENTISTS have solved one of the world’s great mysteries,” writes the Times on its front page.

‘It was the only way anyone would notice us’

And immediately we get to thinking what it is. Have boffins discovered why Catherine Zeta …

FORE play

‘THE rules of golf are simple. 1) Do not allow women or ethnic minorities into the clubhouse unless they are a) cleaning or b) serving gin.

Let this be a warning to all

2) If other competitors can’t see you, …

The Knight’s Time

‘JUST one day after Iain Major Hague was hooked off the Tory stage, the Times spots Margaret Thatcher at large.

Shhh!

If this were the Labour Party in action, you’d be unable to stop yourself from suspecting that the sight …

Excess Baggage

‘AN aeroplane pilot in Egypt caused a three-hour delay on a flight to Dubai when he refused to take off because he said one of his passengers was too fat.

There were angry scenes on the EgyptAir flight after the …