Just Beat It

‘EVER noticed how the police are getting younger? Granted, you have to remove their white hoods to see their faces first, but it’s true, isn’t it?

The Bullring has never seen policing like it’

That’s for another time. But for …

Present Tents

‘WHEN Frank Bruno was taken to Goodmayes Hospital in Essex, he was lucky to get in when he did.

Charles tries the town’s air freshener

The Mirror explains that if Frank were sectioned in the weeks to come he might …

Being Frank

‘“YOU could say this is the greatest fight of my life.” So says Frank Bruno, boxer, panto dame and Renaissance man, if you know what I mean, ‘arry.

‘Behind You!’

And we do know what he means, since a pun …

My Genes Are Too Tight

‘FOR years, fat people have insisted that it is not their fault that they have more rolls than Vanessa Feltz on baking day.

This island race

Now, it seems that they may have a point after scientists discovered that some …

Bashing The Bishop

‘WE are used to arguments along the lines of “My god is bigger than your god”, but now we have to listen to arguments such as “My god dresses better than your god”.

‘Have you got anything in pink?’

Yesterday, …

Robin Hoodlum

‘SCOTLAND loves its heroes, especially the ones who gave their treacherous English neighbours a black eye – Rob Roy, William Wallace, Robert The Bruce, David Sneddon…

‘I’m as Scots as Rod Stewart’

So you can only imagine that they might …

The Skinny From Skinner

‘WHITNEY Houston is a drug addict. As revelations ago, that is up there with the news that George W Bush can’t watch TV and chew pretzels at the same time.

‘Yes, but I never inhaled’

But it is also the …

Marriage Wrecker

‘UMA Thurman may no longer be an ugly duckling, but it does appear that she is a single woman again after he split from womanising husband Ethan Hawke.

Nicole’s ghost look was beyond pale

But if the Enquirer is to …

Shag-A-Geek Week

‘IT is almost obligatory for Hollywood sex symbols to confess to being teased at school because of their looks – either they were too tall, too goofy, too spotty or just too weird.

An ugly duckling out of water

The …

Fine and Dandy

‘FOR all the sport that is on the back pages this morning, they may as well be the court circular – except the court in this case would be a judicial one.

‘See you at White Hart Highbury’

So let …

House Of Horrors

‘HOUSE OF Horrors sounds like just the sort of thing for Halloween TV (for the few of you who are not out chucking eggs and flour over your neighbours).

Messers Bodgit and Leggit at work

But – surprise, surprise – …

Boy, Oh Girl!

‘YESTERDAY, the Mirror announced that Sir Paul McCartney and his wife Heather Mills had given birth to a baby boy.

‘She’s got her father’s penis’

This morning, the papers apologises that this news was only half right – Heather had …

Chest Expander

‘TALKING about the Middle East brings us to Jordan and the news, also in the Sun, that the busty model is planning to design her own range of undies.

Jordan was shocked to see that her new breasts still had

Peace In Our Time

‘TONY Blair has apparently called a war council – no, don’t panic, we’re not invading anywhere this week – to plan how to deal with the Tories’ new leader-in-waiting Michael Howard.

‘I call the left one Yasser’

And well he …

The Silence Of The Lemmings

‘“SCIENTISTS have solved one of the world’s great mysteries,” writes the Times on its front page.

‘It was the only way anyone would notice us’

And immediately we get to thinking what it is. Have boffins discovered why Catherine Zeta …

FORE play

‘THE rules of golf are simple. 1) Do not allow women or ethnic minorities into the clubhouse unless they are a) cleaning or b) serving gin.

Let this be a warning to all

2) If other competitors can’t see you, …

The Knight’s Time

‘JUST one day after Iain Major Hague was hooked off the Tory stage, the Times spots Margaret Thatcher at large.

Shhh!

If this were the Labour Party in action, you’d be unable to stop yourself from suspecting that the sight …

Excess Baggage

‘AN aeroplane pilot in Egypt caused a three-hour delay on a flight to Dubai when he refused to take off because he said one of his passengers was too fat.

There were angry scenes on the EgyptAir flight after the …

Rio’s Sabbatical

‘POOR, old Rio Ferdinand. The Telegraph says that the Football Association have taken a tough line on the player, charging him with misconduct for missing a drugs test.

‘What’s the Caribbean like at this time of year?’

Or have they? …

Saving Chris Ryan

‘REMEMBER that bit in the movie Top Gun when you weren’t sure if you were watching another training run by Maverick and Goose or an actual bona fide dogfight?

Bravo Minus Two Zero

Tonight Chris Ryan creates a similar scenario …

A New Craze Is Porn

‘A NEW craze is sweeping Germany – porno karaoke.

The X-rated shows, in which blue movies are loaded into a projector and contestants (normally a man and a woman) have to provide the soundtrack, are said to be sweeping the …

You Do Ron Ron

‘IT’S been a tense time waiting to see what badgers would do next, but now they’ve made their move.

‘I wish he’d stop badgering me’

Badger enthusiasts, like former Welsh Secretary Ron Davies, are struggling to explain why one of …

Eurovision Song Contest

‘HEY, what’s that sound? Everybody look what’s going down.

‘I am the resurrection and I am the life’

Well, not everybody need bother, just the Independent, which has cocked an ear to the wind and followed the sound right to …

Howard’s Way Ahead

‘“HOW sad!” laments the woman in the Austin cartoon on the front page of today’s Guardian. “Just when everyone knew who he was.”

‘I told you I’d win a vote of confidence’

The “he” is Iain Duncan Smith, whose ousting …

A Touch Of Frost

‘JAMIE Oliver’s tongue may not fit in his mouth, but it made its way quite happily up the Royal posterior yesterday as the naked chef received an MBE from the Queen.

‘Going once, going twice…’

But the rest of the …