Phil Goes Down

‘IT looks like Mr Potato Head is going to be having porridge for his Christmas dinner as he’s still languishing in Walford nick, getting progressively worse at acting – if that was humanly possible.

”Hey, you’ve held me in the

Nativity Play

‘SARAH Lou and Todd are really getting into the spirit of Christmas. Unfortunately they’re not tucking into turkey and lashing out on presents: Sarah Lou is pregnant and penniless.

”Have you nicked my Busted CD?”

If she chooses to keep …

Souled Out

‘SELLING your soul is not as easy as you might have thought.

A Dutchman, who is offering a ”soul in good condition with no serious damage” on eBay, has so far not received a single bid.

The man from the …

Turkish Shower

‘IT’S not often you see pictures of footballers sitting on the bench beneath umbrellas.

”I just need a lighter for a full house”

The Guardian shot of the Chelsea substitutes and coaching staff at the club’s game against Besiktas is …

You’re Having A Laugh

‘FOR a country that prides itself on its sense of humour, we don’t half produce a lot of rubbish comedy shows. Or in fact we don’t produce a lot of rubbish comedy shows – we produce very few shows and …

Having A Ball

‘GIVEN the heritage of the Australian people, the chances of retrieving the rugby ball Jonny Wilkinson struck between the posts to win the day for England are slim.

”Analyse that!”

The Times tells us that there were five balls used …

Holly Go Dearly

‘BEING collectively blessed with a GCSE in geography, we know that it often “rains” and is “wet”. We know that at other times the “sun” shines and it is “hot”.

An expensive piece of Holly

And when there is “thunder” …

A Class Act

”’WERE teachers better in your day?” asks the Times beneath a story about how half of all primary school lessons are sub-standard.

”Hmmm. Which end do I use?”

You can send your answer via email to the Times, who will …

Punch Drunk

‘ONE man who won’t be driving down Britain’s first toll road in a hurry is that wild man of rock, Blue’s Lee Ryan.

Sophie Amogpokpa after viciously headbutting Cheryl Tweedy’s fist

Lee is currently serving an 18-month driving ban after …

For Whom The Road Tolls

‘A COUPLE of days ago, we observed that if it wasn’t for the unsung army of undercover journalists performing vital service in all walks of public life, the country would fall apart.

The Wapping Expressway

Well, today we again salute …

Crash! Bang! Wallop!

‘AT first glance, it might appear that England rugby’s kicking machine Jonny Wilkinson and Black Sabbath bat-eater Ozzy Osbourne have little in common.

Jonny’s all smiles after hearing that Daniel Hyde is all right

But the tabloids make strange bed-fellows …

On The Bandwagon

‘ENGLAND are “On Top Of The World”, says the Telegraph – with a barely concealed dig at those often ungallant but battling losers Down Under it.

”Just don’t pass it to Ben Kay!”

And yesterday England’s rugby union team were …

Bootleg Beetles

‘THEY have got a new, and interesting door policy at Berlin’s Sage Club – clubbers who arrive for the weekly Housebug Party have to eat a crispy fried beetle before they are allowed in.

According to the club’s management, the …

Loft Cause

‘GIVEN the ubiquity of American-made sitcoms – at least the good ones – on Channel 4, the roots of Bedsitcom are founded in quicksand.

”And I’m not in it”

The producers have decided against setting the entire thing in an …

Howard’s Way

‘ALL this talk of overweight children, drugs and greed provides a neat link to the country that pretty much invented the unholy trinity: America.

Rebel with a cause?

Thinking big has long been the American way and the Telegraph learns …

Thighs The Limit

‘HUMBUGS all round to the staff at Peterborough’s Orton Centre where a disabled 12-year-old girl has been told she can’t bring her wheelchair into Santa’s Grotto in case it damages the floor.

”And get that spotty kid out of my

Carry Me Home

‘COMMISERATATIONS to the people on the bus behind yesterday’s Sweet Chariot service from Marble Arch.

The bus queue at Marble Arch was getting longer by the minute

The one-mile journey that should have taken just an hour was held up …

Church Choir

‘STEVEN Johnson, cheating – and now ex – boyfriend of Charlotte Church is preparing to sell intimate details of his sex life with the 17-year-old Voice Of An Angel.

Fallen Angel

It won’t be the first time – he demanded …

Mo Down

‘IN this new-found surge of patriotism and love for all things English, let us raise a glass or two to the nation’s most popular soap opera.

Marks out of 10?

No, not The Royal Family, but EastEnders, that everyday story …

Forever England

‘LET’S face it – most tabloid journalists wouldn’t know a drop kick from a rolling maul…and for most of the year they probably couldn’t give a ruck.

Fans gather around some old bloke’s column

But one thing they don’t need …

Shane On You!

‘IT is nice to have the chance this week to get to know our fellow Hot Stars readers a bit better, courtesy of the magazine’s 2003 poll.

”They call me Mr Sex”

And what a confused, mixed-up, Will Young-loving bunch …

Two Out Of Three

‘WHAT did Meatloaf say? Two out of three ain’t bad.

Jade didn’t know about the underwater cameras in the Maldives

So when OK! announces that it has got pictures of Jade Goody’s ”hot new body”, we shouldn’t be disappointed to …

A Torch Carrier

‘THERE was a time when David and Victoria would barely utter a word unless it was into the tape recorder of the omnipresent OK! journalist.

”You look like you’ve swallowed a cockatoo”

In those bygone days, Britain’s favourite celebrity magazine …

Fergie’s Petty Hates

‘SIR Alex Ferguson may be back at work after what is being described as a surgical procedure on his heart, but he retains the same place in the country’s heart as he always did.

Leicester branch of Ashley Cole fan

Footing The Bill

‘SADLY, the one thing Grayson Perry forgot to bare on his big night were his toes.

Another of Jimmy Choo’s victims

Perhaps he is ashamed of his feet? Perhaps he is one of the non-beautiful people for whom the words …