Something To Judge By

‘JUDGE are a famously odd breed. And news from France that one of their number has been seen masturbating in court doesn’t surprise us in the least.

A magistrate, whose name is not mentioned in despatches, has been spotted pleasuring …

Wheels On Fire

‘TELEVISION loves broadcasting annual general meetings, those yearly events when the film industry gives its Oscars, music its Grammys and stuntmen set each other on fire and give each other punches in the head.

‘Can you smell burning?’

The third …

Not The Bee’s Knees

‘WHILE women dash out to have Ulrika implants sewn inside their stomachs (just as they had Jennifer Lopez buttock replacement therapy to make them look like a Renault Megane in trousers), they should consider Demi Moore.

Demi plans to turn

Tummy Trouble

‘IF Ulrika Jonsson turned her men into a race of some sort, it would dwarf the London Marathon and be second only to the Olympic Games in terms of the numbers involved.

Ulrika poses with this year’s winner of the

The Kennel Club

‘THE Princess Diana whodunit is turning into something of a whodunher this morning as the Sun reveals that she had nine men on the go at one time.

The shocking truth about Diana’s Number 1

According to Paul Burrell, nine …

The Worm That Turned…500

‘‘WHO wants to live forever?’ asked Freddie Mercury – who, no sooner was the question out of his mouth, keeled over and died.

‘You’d be miserable too if you had to eat nothing but mud for 500 years, mate’

If …

Open Forum

‘DO you remember John Major? Grey bloke, used to be Prime Minister, liked peas. No?

John made Edwina’s head spin

Well anyway, he’s back in the news this morning and behaving in a very un-Tory manner – he’s attacking Labour …

Beyond Our Ken?

‘GEORGE Galloway, erstwhile MP for Baghdad East, was expelled from the Labour party yesterday for allegedly inciting Arab armies to fight against the US-led coalition in Iraq.

Laugh and the world laughs at you

The decision to throw Galloway out …

Family (Mis)fortunes

‘IF there’s a soap award going for Most Dysfunctional Family, then close all bets now for you’re going to be hard pressed to beat the Barlows.

‘Mind who you call boring!’

There’s dad Ken (affairs too many to mention; fathered …

Pills And Thrills

‘ONE day on from Arsenal’s pain in the Ukraine and the papers are awash with how great English football is.

Rio hears his offer on a new house has been accepted

The Star leads with news of Chelsea’s Champions’ League …

Hunting Victoria

‘NEXT Monday, there is a programme on BBC1 called Looking For Victoria, in which Prunella Scales takes the role of our longest-reigning and determinedly unamused monarch opposite her real-life husband Timothy West.

‘We’ll count to 10 and then come after

In The Frame

‘WISHING to keep alive the memory of a great day out, many of us take pictures with a camera.

And it’s the same for idiots and villains as it is for the rest of us, a truth confirmed by reports …

A Hard Luck Story

‘OUR national tendency to seek escape from everyday life through drugs and drink might just be explained by our native spirit of discovery.

Take one day, preferably before class

With few places left in which to stick a flag, and …

Green, Green Grass Of Home

‘SINCE we are moving ever closer to America, it’s high time we adopted that favoured Yankee cheer, ‘We’re number one!’.

Just say no

So pom-poms all round today as the Mail breaks the terrific news that we are number one …

Tumbling Tots

‘ANY mother knows that raising a child is very much like rearing a dog.

Free child with every Big Mac and regular cola

And readers of the Mail today learn that the similarities extend beyond obedience training and making them …

Bless!

‘WHEN you are 14 and the daughter of Sir Bob Geldof, you are entitled to be angry. Indeed, you would be failing your generation and your genes if you weren’t.

Susannah models the There’s Something About Mary look

So, we …

Pulling Rank

‘THE revelations that there are racists in the police force can hardly come as such a surprise.

Basic Police Training – Module 4.3

What large organisation can boast that it is truly colour blind when even the Council For Racial …

The House

‘FORGET Big Brother. Forget Pop Idol and Fame Academy, Wife Swap and The Salon.

‘Go back to your constituencies and prepare for government!’

The reality hit of the summer has been putting 163 men and women (but mostly men) in …

Picture Perfect

‘NO compendium of multi-talented women would be complete without Martine McCutcheon, singer, actress and Renaissance woman.

And so was Martine

Like Caprice, Martine has just finished shooting a film, called Love Actually, opposite Hugh Grant and Emma Thompson.

Not so …

No Flies On Caprice

‘THE word ‘multi-talented’ could have been coined for Penny Lancaster, but in this week’s issue of Hello! it is an epithet applied to Caprice.

So was Caprice

And with good reason for Caprice is not just a model and one …

Overexposure

‘AS befits her position as one of the world’s top photographers, Penny Lancaster has been seeing a lot of the camera recently.

Penny was training to be an Olympic swimmer

But if OK! caught her by surprise dressed only in …

Chambers Of Horrors

‘IT will take something of a miracle for Arsenal to qualify for the next stage of the Champions League.

‘Who’s been a bad boy, then?’

All the papers lead with the news that the Gunners last night lost 2-1 to …

Got Wood

‘LADDA Satiya, 66, felt very ill after ingesting poisonous mushrooms – a foolish thing to do, but she did it.

Feeling dizzy and breathless, the Malaysian woman sought help.

So, as anyone would, she contacted her local abbot, Pra Boonsong, …

Oil Be Damned

‘DISAPPOINTMENT comes in many forms. But finding out the Dallas which Channel 4 are showing today at 1pm is not the Ewing family saga but a movie from 1950 is right up their with the best of them.

‘Who called

Slice Of Life

‘JO thinks peace in Northern Ireland is long overdue. “We all want to see the Good Friday agreement back on track,” says the 24-year-old from London.

There’s no place for fried eggs on Page 3

“It just goes to show …