Off Massage

‘IS the Mail proud to be British? We only ask because, unlike the Express, it doesn’t boast of the fact on its masthead.

‘Today, children, we’re going to learn Astanga yoga’

And unlike the Express it makes no mention of …

Square Bashing

‘THE year is 2012. The place is London. And the first visitors to the city are stepping off the train at Europe Station to watch the Olympic Games.

Napoleon’s Column

The stadium may only be half finished, the cross-London rail …

Loyalty, Honesty, Fairness

‘HOLD the back page! Gary Neville, the slightly less slack-jawed half of football’s Neville brothers, is talking to the Times about his decision to support a fellow professional “found guilty without trial”.

One in the eye for English football

Oh, …

It’s A Steal

‘BELGIAN firm Crime Control is offering to test shops’ security systems by sending out professional thieves to break in and explain how they did it.

The Leuven-based company says its thieves are never caught, but return all of the stolen …

Miner Achievement

‘MICHAEL Portillo will never become Prime Minster of this fair land because of one simple truth. No, it’s not because he’s a Tory. And it’s not because he’s called Michael, like Barrymore and Jackson. It’s because his name ends in …

Bring It On

‘BY now you should have formalised some answer to the question we posed earlier: ‘What next for the Fame Academy Stars?’

Send in the clown

You can post in your entries to the usual address, but be warned that we …

Ryders On The Storm

‘ANOTHER woman who has suffered is Kym Marsh. And she’s all the better for her struggles – stronger, cleaner, slimmer, with nicer shinier hair and to-die-for shoes.

‘I’m all right, Jack’

And Kym is now confident enough to ‘set the …

Eat Your Heart Out

‘BEFORE we move onto the first of our glimpses at glamour, ask yourself this question, as Hello! asks its readers: ‘What next for the Fame Academy stars?’

Sophie was never a very good bra model

That is a big question. …

DBC Finlay’s Casebook

‘DRUGS have been responsible for many of the country’s ills, but without them we would very likely not have had some great music written and some interesting children’s television produced.

Dirty But Clean

And now thanks to narcotics we have …

Gastro-Enteritis

‘THE link between booze and crime is well documented. On September 10 last month reports of noise and rowdy behaviour exceeded 10,000.

In the olden days, beer used to be served in vessels like this

And the chief culprits were …

Seconds Out

‘IF you have not been sprayed with graffiti, mugged, verbally assaulted, sold an illegal drug or been approached by a kerb crawler in the past two seconds you can consider yourself fortunate.

‘Has Celine Dion been singing again?’

The Independent …

Camera Shy

‘WE are glad to see that Penny Lancaster’s career is going so well.

Penny takes a light reading

Rod Stewart’s blonde girlfriend describes herself as a photographer and it is true to say that the 31-year-old is never far away …

The BDS Diet

‘IF you really want to lose weight, stop cheating! No, not on your partner (which is, as we have seen, a good way to fight the flab), but on yourself.

‘Still think I’ll be Prime Minister one day?’

The Star …

Hell’s Angels

‘GOD, as we well know, moves in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform.

Beyonce shows off the benefits of The Good Sex Diet

Thus, he is quite happy for Beyonce Knowles to shake her booty on stage in a pair …

Tracy Stays Mum

‘AND so it came to pass that the slut lay down with the anoraked freak and lo! a baby was born unto them. Although similarities between the Virgin Mary and Tracy are few and far between, the miracle of Tracy’s …

Action Replay

‘UEFA are likely to take a rather more objective view of a video of the half-time scrap between the English and Turkish players than have the tabloids over here.

Handbags and bad lads

Otherwise, they will have already decided that …

New Elvis Record

‘NORWEGIAN Elvis impersonator Kjell Henning Bjoernestad has regained his world record by singing Elvis songs for over 40 hours.

Known to his fans as Kjell Elvis, Bjoernestad sang 786 songs in 40 hours, 8 minutes and 1 second – the …

The Becks Files

‘AS if David and Victoria Beckham hadn’t had enough publicity over the past few years, tonight sees the first part of a three-part documentary called The Posh And Becks Years.

‘Is there anybody out there?’

Its stated aim is to …

Whining And Dining

‘“OF course we paid the bill and didn’t make a stink, but what is up with this?”

Petrus diners hear about Oddbins’ 2-for-1 deal on Jacob’s Creek

This is the lament of Sandra Mitchell, who dined with her husband at …

Getting Fruity

‘HERE try this, it’s a 2003 Times, with an undertone of sulphur and just a hint of sour grapes. We think you’ll like it.

‘Mmmm. I’m sensing Bulgarian moonshine’

Yes, it’s time once again for the annual pillorying of Jilly …

Softly, Softly

‘JUST when it looked like the Quiet Man had found his voice and was ready to take on the world, Iain Duncan Smith finds himself engaged in a life-or-death political battle over “sleaze”.

Still laughing at the idea of the

Split Genes

‘IF Catherine Zeta Jones had tried the Martine McCutcheon diet after giving birth, the chances are that her husband would have collapsed with the exertion.

Richard Burton only managed four divorces

There are certain disadvantages to being married to a …

Sexercise Regime

‘HOW does Martine McCutcheon keep so slim?’ is one of those questions. Like ‘What is the secret of Anthea Turner’s enduring popularity?’ and ‘What made Hale & Pace so funny?’

Martine couldn’t work out how to get her butterfly bikini

Kour Blimey!

‘BY rights, this morning’s story that Anna Kournikova has hung up her tennis racket and tight adidas shorts and retired from the sport belongs on the back pages.

Doctors never got to the bottom of Anna’s injury problems

After all, …

Different Klass

‘COMPLETING our buxom trio this week is Myleene Klass, better known as the one from Hear’Say who used to flash her cleavage at any waiting lens.

Thanks for the mammaries

These days, however, Myleene is a different person – not …