Belly Aches

‘TONY Blair must be kicking himself this morning that he never thought of flying to Iraq for a chow down with the troops.

‘Ready when you are’

If he is, he should take care not to kick too hard lest …

Cold Turkey

‘NOT since Richard Nixon landed in Vietnam in 1969 has a serving American president visited an active war zone.

Private Bud worked hard to get the peas in the right place

Knowing what happened in that campaign and what misfortune …

Live And Plugged

‘THE BBC couldn’t really ask for a much better line-up as they launch the All New Top Of The Pops tonight with an exclusive showing of Michael Jackson’s latest video – and it isn’t the one of him on the …

The Flaccid Blue Line

‘HUNDREDS of Danish policemen are being given free lessons on how to improve their sex lives because the stress of the job is affecting their performance in the sack.

In the New Year, 500 policemen in southern Jutland will get …

England Forgets

‘BAD luck those of you who thought the Jonny Wilkinson’s bandwagon would keep on rolling.

Who he?

Not even a week after the rugby World Cup was won the Telegraph’s lead sports page has but one thing on its mind: …

Cheque Mate

‘AUTHORITIES in the US are looking for a 35-year-old man called Mike Mikitka in connection with several recent bank robberies, warning the public that he may be dangerous.

However, it’s certainly not his brainpower that will overwhelm those who come …

A Land Of Plenty

‘DID you see how bonzer a time Jonny Wilkinson had in Australia recently? Sure, he was called boring and Pom-bashed and mashed, but did you see the rain?

A rock

That was pure golden rain. And if you’d been there …

Costa Packet

‘MORE foreign news now as the Guardian reveals that more of us choose Spain as a holiday destination than anywhere else.

One of only 15 wild haggis left in Scotland

Iraq and Afghanistan fail to make it onto the Top …

Family Thais

‘AFTER having Jeb and George the former US President George Bush Snr and wife Barbara must have prayed for better things to come. They got Neil.

‘And this is Neil on holiday in Bangkok’

The Telegraph introduces the world at …

Massacre Of The Innocent

‘ONCE more the Queen fought back the temptation to give full throat to whatever feelings she holds and read the lines Tony Blair wanted her to in what is still called The Queen’s Speech.

‘And my Government will strike down

What A Choker!

‘IF you spend £10m on a choker, you would definitely expect it to do what it says it does on the tin – or, in this case, the 18 carat white gold.

A rare gem – and the necklace is

Driving Miss Jessie

‘AS a copper, you know you may have taken one too many sickies when even the police start questioning your commitment to the job.

‘And it’s got three different speeds…’

That’s why PC Dave Morgan, fiancé of EastEnder Jessie Wallace, …

Coming Soon…

‘THE average young woman in Britain is £4,500 in debt, according to newly-released statistics – and the problem is only going to get worse.

Alternatively, buy 400 Rabbits

The Mirror suggests that 100% of 18-28 year olds now owe substantial …

Willy Won’t He

‘A MAN who showed off his newly pierced penis to residents of an old folks’ home did not break the law, prosecutors in Italy have ruled.

They threw out a case brought by managers of the residential home in Trento …

The Whip Hand

‘YOU have to feel sorry for the Queen – she spent Monday night in Edinburgh watching the likes of Busted, Westlife and Luciano Pavarotti at the Royal Variety Performance when she would far rather have been catching up on events …

Gunners’ Glory

‘THE debate here at Anorak Towers is intense. How long will Jonny Wilkinson occupy a spot on the back page?

Watch out, watch out…

Already, if the Telegraph is any guide, his name is on the slide.

Today he is …

Debs Do Paris

‘WITH the Paris Haute Couture Crillon Ball just moments away, Hello! takes a look at ‘seven of the world’s luckiest young women’ who will walk out that night.

‘Style, Costanza. You’ve either got it or you haven’t!’

Costanza della Gherardesca …

Modest Ambition

‘SOMEONE else who could be having a Christmas turkey one day is Andy Scott-Lee.

Andy Scott-Lee – where is he now?

For those who don’t know, Andy is the brother of Lisa Scott-Lee and the boyfriend of Liberty X’s Michelle …

Crowe’s Nest

‘DO you know what Russell Crowe’s “greatest adventure“ is? Go on, have a guess.

‘Can I read my poem now?’

Russell might not like what you say and beat you to within an inch of your life, but that’s just …

Down The Tuba

‘LIKE us you will have noticed that the tuba is not as prominent as it once was. So too the bassoon.

A bunch of bassoons

But with Estelle Morris, the arts minister, on the case, both instruments will rise once …

The Riyadh Thing

‘HAVING just seen how it doesn’t do as it says on the collection tin, the Independent points its readers’ attention to a tin of another sort.

‘Do you want a Big Mec and Haj fries with that?’

This one is …

Beggars’ Belief

”HIYA! Any chance you can spare just a wee minute of your time to talk about social issues?’ (Smile.)

‘Do you think asylum seekers shoul be a) shot, b) hanged, c) made to play cricket?’

Hmmm, I’m in a hurry …

GI Janes

‘IF you have pounds, prepare to shed them now – there’s a new diet in town.

‘And it was then that I discovered the GI Diet’

Other fad diets – the high-protein, low-carb Atkins diet, the high-sex McCutcheon diet and …

Thong For Guy

‘IT’S not only Pop Idol contestants who have to take the brickbats with the bouquets; the judges don’t get off completely either.

G-strung Durch Technik

And this morning it is Simon Cowell, spotted on a beach in Bermuda, who gets …

True Idols

‘WHEN England’s 30 victorious rugby players returned to Britain early yesterday morning having won the World Cup, they were welcomed home a crowd of some 8,000 people.

‘And my next song is by The Wonder Stuff. It’s called The Size