Reality Bites

‘WE are working on the ultimate reality TV show and can’t decide between Britain’s Worst Dressed Celebrity Driver and Bone Idle, in which contestants compete to see who can sit on their backside and do nothing for longest.

Why human

Too Many Cooks?

‘THE Telegraph brings a heartwarming story of a bunch of Welsh lads who have scrimped and saved for the holiday of a lifetime in Australia for the rugby “World Cup”.

Coach Steve Hansen realised he’d have to go right back

Joy Of Text

‘TALKING of txt mssgs, we are pleased to see that something good has come out of the craze that is swpng the ntn.

The Priory is now taking reservations by text

The Guardian reports that two British climbers were rescued …

Home Help

‘THE Tories unveiled their latest ground-breaking policy at Blackpool yesterday, as fun-loving conference delegates and morbid onlookers heard the news that “parents will be given the right to set up their own schools”.

Tory Boy grows up

And next to …

Hitting The Right Note

‘THERE used to be an advert for the Sun along the lines of ‘Where do they get their stories from?’

After she was evicted, Sarah was forced to sleep in the car

So consider this little tale from the paper’s …

Firing Blanks

‘WHILE football was busy shooting itself in the foot, illusionist Derren Brown was one bad guess away from blowing his brains out – live on Channel 4.

‘Are there caps in it?’

Or was he? The Star reports that the …

Sex, Drugs & Football

‘IF football is the new rock ‘n’ roll, then we should not be surprised about the sex and the drugs that follow in its wake.

Rio blames it on himself

After days in which the alleged gang rape of a …

Back From The Dead

‘DIRTY Den rose up from his watery grave last week, slipped his black leather jacket back on and sauntered back into Albert Square.

‘Ugh! You smell of dead fish and pondweed’

“’Ello Princess,” he growled as the stepped out of …

Not The Beckhams

‘EVERY time Louise Redknapp is interviewed on one of her many doomed attempts to relaunch a career as a solo singer, she is at pains to stress that she and husband Jamie are nothing like the Beckhams.

‘Who does this

All The Breast

”WITH her silicone-enhanced breasts, long blonde hair and penchant for kiss-and-tells,’ says OK! ‘it’s easy to categorise Alicia Douvall as your average egocentric airhead on the make.’

Alicia’s breasts were worth a fortune at Scrabble

And, in this case (as …

Bog Off, Marsh

‘THE progression from wannabe to has-been is often a very quick one and it is a transition that Kym Marsh seems to be making with barely a backwards glance.

Kym was always ready for breast-feeding

It seems like it was …

Owen Stuffed

‘NORMALLY, a week before an important England game, we are all invited to rub a cut-out of captain David Beckham’s foot/groin/thigh* (*delete as appropriate) to try to speed his recovery.

Will he or won’t he?

But this morning it is …

Brand Spanking New

‘AUSSIE brothels are said to be recruiting extra S&M specialists and stocking up on whips during the Rugby World Cup to cater for the needs of posh English fans.

Robbie Swan, a spokesman for The Eros Association, Australia’s adult entertainment …

Turning The Air Blue

‘THE best thing about the Frank Skinner show, which returns to our screens at 10.30 (ITV1) tonight, is that there is no David Baddiel. The worst thing is that, even after so many years, Frank thinks he can sing.

And

Text Maniacs

‘WHAT do you do when real life becomes so strange that it moves beyond the scope of satire? Answer: Report it straight.

Just say no

So, in a spirit of public service, we bring you the news that the Priory …

Bedford Fans

‘WHAT substance were the makers of those 118 118 ads consuming when they thought up the idea of featuring two 1970s-style cross-country runners in a directory enquiries commercial?

It’s 118 of one, 118 of the other

Whatever it was, we …

Final Tap

‘THE Government is rent asunder by Robin Cook’s diary revelations, David Blunkett is poised to give the go-ahead to a new generation of super-prisons, and the Middle East is a barrel of gunpowder awaiting a spark.

The Rattlebone Inn has

Spot The Difference

‘WHILE Arnold Schwarzenegger is combing the papers for a woman he hasn’t groped, he will come across pictures of one he most certainly has.

‘No, I can check my own breasts – thank you very much, Mr Governor’

The Sun …

The Gropevine

‘ARNOLD Schwarzenegger has probably got too much on his plate at the moment (as he defends himself against allegations that he is a serial groper) to cast an eye over the British tabloids.

The future governor of California

However, if …

Trial By Media

‘IF yesterday’s News Of The World was appearing for the defence of the footballers accused of gang raping a 17-year-old girl, this morning’s papers are outlining the prosecution case.

Nicholas Meikle claims the girl was a willing participant

Through them, …

Fame And Fortune

‘POP Idol may have a few weeks left to go, but Fame Academy comes to an end tonight with Alex, Ali and Carolynne battling it out for the dubious distinction of becoming the new David Sneddon.

It’s your choice

Alex …

Trouble & Strife

‘COR blimey, guv’nor – Madonna’s love affair with London is apparently on the wane and she is reneging on her promise to spend half of each year over here.

Madonna chained herself to a pole in protest

So says National …

Sin City

‘WHAT Britney Spears’ erstwhile neighbours would make of some of the shenanigans the Hollywood glitterati get up to we shudder to think.

‘Til death or a Canadian model do us part

The Enquirer, for instance, has a picture of Gwyneth …

Virgin Berth

‘WE send our best wishes to the 2,656 residents of the historic Louisiana town of Kentwood, famous as the birthplace of one Britney Spears.

Britney gets ready for a night out at the rodeo

The place, we are sure, has …

Cheer Up, Peter Reid

‘SINCE when has a football club like Leeds United ever cared what its fans thought, far less held off from sacking a manager because of pressure from the terraces?

Keeping the seat warm?

We have little doubt that the Mail …