Straight Talking

‘“LOVE is all you need.” So sang the Beatles and so says the slogan for Sandals’ couples holidays in the Caribbean – except in the latter case it isn’t true.

Soon to be known as Thongs

You also need to …

Here Be Monsters

‘LLOYD Scott, the former fireman who completed one of the world’s slowest ever marathons when he trudged round London in a 200lb diving suit, is at it again.

Blair’s popularity takes a dive

While 1,200 runners from 14 countries lined …

A Tall Order

‘ANOTHER couple who have slipped off the cover of the National Enquirer in recent weeks is Demi Moore and toyboy Ashton Kutcher.

‘You’re tall enough to be my son’

But don’t read anything into that apart from the fact that …

Making Up

‘WITH Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez hogging the headlines when it comes to marriage break-ups (and that before they even made it to the altar), we ask ‘Where is Julia Roberts?’

‘Come and taste me – I’m all earthy’

Only …

Friends Of Dorothy

‘WE are loath to give any more coverage to Madonna’s snog with Britney Spears at the MTV Video Music Awards because it will only encourage others to follow suit.

‘Has anyone noticed yet?’

Before long, Victoria Beckham will be locking …

Sword Play

‘IF Lord Byron were alive today, he would never be off the front page of the tabloid papers. While the Daily Mail and Express would grow ever more outraged by his behaviour, the red-tops would delight in recording his latest …

Infamy, Infamy

‘IT must have been some kind of guarded ‘sorry’ for his team’s behaviour last Sunday by Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger because only one paper seems to have heard it.

Wenger shows his players what to do next time they are

Drunken Fuel!

‘WE’VE all woken up in the morning wondering why we had that last drink, but probably with not as much cause as an unidentified Ethiopian man who was taken to hospital after drinking petrol.

Staff at the petrol station in …

Old Stagers

‘COME some time in the future we will bemoan the absence of the stars of yesteryear. Where are the Monkhouses, the Tarbucks, the Forsyths? Bring back Cilla Black.

Putting the Des in desire

But by then, maybe, we will have …

Relight My Fire

‘THE Beckhams’ sex life might be as dry as a martini at the Sahara Hilton during a Vermouth drought, but not everyone is struggling to get their end away.

Perving at glow worms will make you go blind

In fact, …

Video Drone

‘WHAT did ex-Blue Peter presenter John Leslie do when he first heard that he was not going to faces charges relating to sex allegations made against him?

‘What do mean you’ve got Anthea Turner to play Ulrika?!’

He pressed ‘record’ …

Oh Canadas

‘ONE is a 5ft 10in blonde with blue eyes, bee-sting lips, a career as a catwalk model behind her and a promising future as one of Spain’s leading actresses in front of her.

‘That’s life,’ says Esther

The other is …

Veni, vidi, aesculus hippocastanumci

‘IT’S not just soldiers and scientists looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Hans Blix displays shocking new find

The Times says that the hunt is very much on to find the right sort of conker for this year’s World Conker …

Quarter Masters

‘IF Saddam Hussein has two weapons of mass destruction and it takes three men working at 100% efficiency 45 minutes to prime and load them, how long before we are all dead? Show workings.

If you can read this, you

Dead Men Do Talk

‘FINALLY Dr David Kelly can be laid to rest. Lord Hutton has still to sum up and deliver his conclusions but, with Iraq invaded, Kelly dead and Alistair Campbell gone, what matter what he says? The damage has been done. …

Boogie Knights

‘IN hindsight, it’s amazing that no-one thought to do a modern version of Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales before now – there is more sex, innuendo and fart jokes in the 23 stories than in the whole of the Carry On series. …

What’s That, Skip?

‘EAT your heart out, Skippy. A farmer who was lying unconscious in a field after being hit by a falling branch has a partially blind kangaroo to thank for saving his life after it managed to raise the alarm.

Lulu, …

In The Dock

‘THE Guardian’s back page reads like a module at maths GCSE. The case of Arsenal has thrown up so many numbers that you need a calculator and help from an adult to work things out.

‘What, me?’

Helpfully the paper …

On Track

‘GREAT news for commuters. The Independent has been listening to Peter Field, the new rail director at Transport for London, and his hopes that within a decade over-crowding on London’s trains will be at “third world levels”.

The 9.15 to

Two Plus Two

‘JOHN Prescott does nothing by halves. Rather he does them by multiples of two.

You can never have too much of a good thing

He has the famous two fingers, the beautiful and glamorous two Jags and has fathered two …

Tongue Tide

‘TONGUE was on the menu at Clarence House last night as Jamie Oliver took his rag-tag bag of trainee chefs to cook for Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles.

Jamie accidentally flash fries his own tongue

The Telegraph has a …

Health Warning

‘ONE imagines that no-one (with the possible exception of Bugs Bunny) knows better than Jordan how to eat a carrot.

Wash, eat, discard

But just in case she has forgotten, the Department of Health have circulated a step-by-step guide to …

Idol Boast

‘NURIA Bermudez may be known as the Spanish Jordan, but there is only one Jordan – Katie Price.

‘And here’s one I made earlier’

And she is back where she belongs this morning, flashing her oversized breasts at the Sun …

Elle Hath No Fury…

‘IN his battle with the Beckhams for domination of the tabloid front pages, Frank Bruno finds himself this morning where he has been for much of his career – on the canvas.

Nuria found herself stuck in the hotel lift

Cat Flap

‘IT’S no wonder EastEnders is trailing Coronation Street in the ratings when the best storyline they can come up with is the mystery of Shirley’s missing cat.

‘What do you mean you haven’t got any spud guns’

As anyone who’s …