Text Maniacs

‘WHAT do you do when real life becomes so strange that it moves beyond the scope of satire? Answer: Report it straight.

Just say no

So, in a spirit of public service, we bring you the news that the Priory …

Bedford Fans

‘WHAT substance were the makers of those 118 118 ads consuming when they thought up the idea of featuring two 1970s-style cross-country runners in a directory enquiries commercial?

It’s 118 of one, 118 of the other

Whatever it was, we …

Final Tap

‘THE Government is rent asunder by Robin Cook’s diary revelations, David Blunkett is poised to give the go-ahead to a new generation of super-prisons, and the Middle East is a barrel of gunpowder awaiting a spark.

The Rattlebone Inn has

Spot The Difference

‘WHILE Arnold Schwarzenegger is combing the papers for a woman he hasn’t groped, he will come across pictures of one he most certainly has.

‘No, I can check my own breasts – thank you very much, Mr Governor’

The Sun …

The Gropevine

‘ARNOLD Schwarzenegger has probably got too much on his plate at the moment (as he defends himself against allegations that he is a serial groper) to cast an eye over the British tabloids.

The future governor of California

However, if …

Trial By Media

‘IF yesterday’s News Of The World was appearing for the defence of the footballers accused of gang raping a 17-year-old girl, this morning’s papers are outlining the prosecution case.

Nicholas Meikle claims the girl was a willing participant

Through them, …

Fame And Fortune

‘POP Idol may have a few weeks left to go, but Fame Academy comes to an end tonight with Alex, Ali and Carolynne battling it out for the dubious distinction of becoming the new David Sneddon.

It’s your choice

Alex …

Trouble & Strife

‘COR blimey, guv’nor – Madonna’s love affair with London is apparently on the wane and she is reneging on her promise to spend half of each year over here.

Madonna chained herself to a pole in protest

So says National …

Sin City

‘WHAT Britney Spears’ erstwhile neighbours would make of some of the shenanigans the Hollywood glitterati get up to we shudder to think.

‘Til death or a Canadian model do us part

The Enquirer, for instance, has a picture of Gwyneth …

Virgin Berth

‘WE send our best wishes to the 2,656 residents of the historic Louisiana town of Kentwood, famous as the birthplace of one Britney Spears.

Britney gets ready for a night out at the rodeo

The place, we are sure, has …

Cheer Up, Peter Reid

‘SINCE when has a football club like Leeds United ever cared what its fans thought, far less held off from sacking a manager because of pressure from the terraces?

Keeping the seat warm?

We have little doubt that the Mail …

Loser In Love

‘KENYAN Alfonse Mumbo, a 38-year-old former barber from Kajulu Wath Orego, near Kisumu, wanted to give his wife ‘a free hand to go after other men” – so he took up a blade and severed his own testicles and penis. …

Girlfriend In A Coma

‘KATY celebrated her 17th birthday last week by slipping into a sugar-induced diabetic coma. Well, better that than yet another ‘surprise’ party organised in The Rovers.

What does Steve see in Karen?

Tommy had taken to locking his “little girl” …

Sense Of Uma

‘BRITNEY Spears was slated as the guest on tonight’s Jonathan Ross show, but the man who put the W back in Fridays has definitely traded up with the delectable Uma Thurman and Quentin Tarantino coming in to talk about their …

All’s Well That Ends Well

‘THE Times reports that under new proposals to be announced today, pupils will be allowed to re-sit their A-level examinations “as often as they like”.

‘For 50% of your total marks, who’s this funny looking bloke?’

Great news for exam …

Dirty Minds

‘ANOTHER type of story that appears with monotonous regularity is the latest scientific ‘proof’ that men are different to women.

‘Have you seen the remote control?’

This has the added bonus of allowing the paper’s columnists to offer their own …

Fighting Talk

‘SOME stories seem to appear every year with the inevitability of the seasons.

‘Who are you calling a stereotype?’

So we are pleased to report that the controversial columnist Julie Burchill is once again being accused of anti-Irish racism.

This …

Sand Castles In The Air

‘AFTER three months of inspections and a cost of £200m, the inspectors charged with tracking down Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction have found nothing.

Inspectors found enough weapons-grade potatoes to load several spud guns

Well, they’ve found a lot …

Not Named, But Shamed

‘EVEN Matthew Wright would be hard pressed to blurt out by accident the names of the eight footballers at the centre of the gang rape allegations.

Scene of the alleged crime

But it is surely only a matter of time …

The Predator

‘IT is hard to think of a person less suitable for public office than Arnold Schwarzenegger, but then it is hard to think of a constituency who more deserves him than California.

Anna denied that she led Arnie on

Yesterday, …

Chelsea Basted

‘THERE was a time when we tried to convince ourselves that the Premiership was the best league in Europe – a claim that stretched credibility every time our clubs travelled abroad.

A crying shame

Manchester United may have won the …

Grassed Up

‘DESPERATE times call for desperate measures, and so it was that an Austrian man decided to hold up a bank and thereby pay off his debts.

So the criminal disguised himself as a woman and walked into the Attnang-Puchheim branch …

Gone For A Burton

‘TONY Blair is alive and well and living in a remote part of France with his six children, wife and a few ducks.

John Burton Race

He’s calling himself John Burton Race, a two-star Michelin chef. But that simple name …

Monet For Old Rope

‘DO you like pictures? Hey, wait! Come back! Not THOSE kind of pictures! We are speaking here of art. You know, paintings.

‘Know what it is yet?’

There’s a nice one over there, with a pond full of water lilies. …

Sauce For The Goose

‘“CHILD, 2, survives 19 days on ketchup and pasta” announces the Independent. To which the response of most of us will be: “Yeah? So?”

Take two of these three times a day, normally after meals

When Anorak’s staff were growing …