Jake Of All Trades

‘AFTER Davina, Anthea and Vanessa, we give you Claudia. If you want to get into this showbiz world, you girls had best have a name that sounds like a venereal disease.

‘If you’re out there, Jake, please come home –

Third Class

‘IT might be marginally outside the catchment area, but little Leo Blair could be on his way to school in Slovakia.

‘If you want to come to this university, tick the box marked ‘yes”

There he will be able to …

Off Yer Shopping Trolley

‘FEW things are more satisfying that watching a couple have a really good row in public. It makes you feel so much better about your own relationship – and makes for great cabaret.

Shopaholic Vicky shows Day-vid what to do

Track And Field

‘CONGRATULATIONS to Freddie the tortoise who has taken up our challenge to see if he can move quicker than an ambulance responding to an emergency call with his customary gusto.

Apparently, Freddie was the wrong kind of tortoise

So far …

Great Balls Of Fire

‘NOT all men are uncontrollable sexual beats. Not all. Some, like Svetin Gulisija, a 26-year-old from Seget in Croatia, get tired from time to time. But his wife knows her rights and came, as usual, to demand satisfaction from her …

Funny Boneheads

‘LOOKING at other people and laughing at them is all part of what it is to be a television viewer. Look at those idiots, you say from your sofa. What a bunch of losers.

‘Everyone is soooo stupid’

Tonight is …

Worth Every Penny

‘ACCORDING to the broadsheet newspapers, their readers spend most of their spare time holding dinner parties at which the guests talk of nothing but house prices and school fees.

‘Anorak College made me what I am today’ – T. Blair

Unhappy Meal

‘WE love babies, but we couldn’t eat a whole one. That’s a funny old joke isn’t it?

Anorak’s range of meat-free breasts are just like the real thing

But don’t say things like that at the Rendezvous restaurant in Aberystwyth. …

You Can’t Get The Staff

‘ANOTHER day, another case of alleged bullying. This time it concerns Dr Edward Haughey, who lives at Corby Castle, and is described by the Telegraph as “one of Britain’s richest men”.

The master loved the feel of a hot iron

Lucky Stars

‘A GREAT night for British club football in the Champions League saw Manchester United thump Panathinaikos 5-0, Chelsea beat Sparta Prague 1-0 and Glasgow Rangers come from behind to win 2-1 against VFB Stuttgart.

‘Anyone seen Joe Cole?’

All the …

Family Affairs

‘FAMILY is as important today as it ever was.

Blaine is not the only right tit on display

We gush with pride as the Sun spots sisters Charlie and Casey Banwell flashing their chests at David Blaine as he sits …

Death Race 2003

‘HAD Romeo Beckham cut his head open in a British shop, the store manager would have thrown him out for staining the carpet and he’d by have lost seven pints of blood waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

‘Last one

Romeo is Bleeding

‘WILL Brooklyn and Romeo Beckham follow dad into football and mum’s knickers, or will they follow mum into the department store? Or can all the family talents be combined into one super Beckham hybrid?

‘See, I told you they would

Space Nazis

‘BE afraid. Where once forces unknown to us made simple crop circles, things have taken a turn to the right, and for the worse. Alien Nazis are among us. A huge 65-feet wide swastika-shaped crop circle has been found in …

Oliver’s Army

‘ONCE upon a time, Mr And Mrs Oliver had a tongue. They called it Jamie. Jamie learnt to move and contorted himself into fantastic forms. “Pukka,” said one. “Wicked,” said another.

Jamie checked all his staff for loyalty

And then …

Sleep Of The Just

‘HAVE you ever wondered what your sleeping position reveals about your personality? No, neither have we. But some people have got nothing better to do with their time than researching this sort of thing.

‘Offside!’

Professor Chris Idzikowski is, the …

TV Hell

‘BULLYING may be on the way out in the police and the armed forces, where teddy bears and big huggy cards with lovely rhymes are compulsory for new recruits. But in the harsh world of regional TV news, it’s a …

Cutting Edge

‘THEY say that every cloud has a silver lining, and they may just be right.

If we promise no more war, will you keep your knickers on?

In protest at the political climate following 9/11, Yoko Ono recreated her 1964 …

Uncle Joe

‘DOES Joe Cole have hidden depths? We ask in light of the Mirror’s news that the slack-jawed player was offered by Chelsea chairman Roman Abramovich to Spartak Moscow on a year’s loan.

The twelfth man

The Cold War might be …

A Toast To John

‘INSPIRED by our antics, the Star brings news of Roger Kirby.

‘I’d rather stew in me own fat first’

Followers of our work will recall how not so long ago we purchased the very guitar Tony Blair first played with …

The Day The Music Died

‘TO paraphrase Don McLean, the day the music died for Joseph and Elaine Wright was the day their neighbours took delivery of an upright piano.

Time to face the music

The Scarborough couple, described as “music lovers” in the Mail, …

A Blyton On Children

‘HAVING moulded the 1980s youth into a conical bra and ripped boob tube, Madonna is now looking to shape the children of the 21st Century in her new image.

Madonna models this year’s Golliwog

And the Express says she’s doing …

Gathering Nuts

”THE streets were dirty. There was hair and spit and bird poo. There were unmentionable things.’ The words of Mark McGowan, who has just completed his journey to the doors of Number 10 Downing Street – pushing a monkey nut …

Heart (And Legs) Of Oak

‘WHOEVER told Nikki Sanderson, Coronation Street crimper Candice, that she had nice legs has a lot to answer for.

Squirrels beware!

Because the 19-year-old slips into a £143 mini dress by Plein Sud Jeans and does her impression of two …

Atomic Kitten Gets Catty

‘OUCH! Anorak’s favourite celebrity columnist, the aerodynamically inefficient Kerry Katona, has sharpened her claws this week and isn’t scared to use them.

‘Didn’t I meet you on Brian’s stag night?’

MIAOW! Mariah Carey gets a broadside from the former Atomic …