A Damp Squid

‘FANS of FIVE as we are, we direct your gaze to the TV programme title of the year: Killer Squid Attack.

‘Will you still love me in the morning, Vicky?’

Those who have arrived back from Greece will wonder why …

Purr-fect Love

‘AS we are on the subject of failing relationships, we can also report that Abi Titmuss has moved out of John Leslie’s £1.5m home and back into her modest nurse’s flat.

Abi and her parasite

That’s the word in the …

J-Lo Gets The Bullet

‘ONE couple whose relationship is certainly in crisis is Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez.

Ben is acting crazy

The Sun catches the two together on a trip to buy a gun in Savannah, Georgia, where Ben owns a £10m ranch …

No Sex For Becks

‘FOR just 20 English pounds, you could be the proud owner of a T-shirt bearing the slogan, “Bored of the Beckhams”, courtesy of website www.boredofthebeckhams.com.

Day-vid can’t stand to be away from Vicky for 90 minutes every week – plus

Later Ron

‘“DEAR Maggie…”

‘Who are you and why am I here?’

It’s sounds like the opening line to a Bob Dylan song. But more likely those two words were what Ronald Regan wrote so many times.

How deep Ronald Reagan’s special …

Wrist Action

‘IF the finger power of children playing video games right now were harnessed, it would produce enough energy to heat and light the entire African continent for a year.

Scientists found that Gavin ran all the way to school every

Going Bananas

‘ILLEGAL immigrants are on David Blunkett’s mind. The baking hot weather and now the Telegraph’s story that bananas are growing in south–east London are signs that Britain is changing under their nefarious influence.

One in the eye for the cheats

Brawl For One

‘TWO reasons for Arsenal to celebrate – Ruud Van Nistelrooy’s last minute penalty miss that gave the Gunners a share of the points at Old Trafford and the sacking of Glenn Hoddle by their North London rivals.

Sky TV pictures

Off The Menu

‘MANY celebrity diets involve a clandestine visit to our medical pals Nip ‘n’ Tick. But in those inter-surgery moment, our stars like to keep their weight down by dieting.

Demi models the unopenable ‘Demi Cookie Jar and Wrist-o-ciser’

Today, the …

Carved Up

‘OPRAH Winfrey is half the woman she was. The missing half can be seen congealing in a bucket outside the offices of Doctors Nip ‘n’ Tuck, our friends with a scalpel.

Oprah spots dessert

And, boy, do they ever work …

Billy Bob’s Yer Uncle

‘WANT to live in the lap of luxury or at least wiggle your arse in it? Then you should do as many girls have done and learn to lap dance.

Bum face

It’s the fast track route to meeting the …

Kill Phil

‘LISA, being the sane, rational person that she is, has decided that the best way to get baby Louise back is to kill Phil. This couple have nothing on Jonathan and Jennifer Hart – when they meet, it really is …

Girls At Large

‘THOSE who are about to be hit by Hurricane Isabel should brace themselves and hang onto something heavy. And the Sun has spotted just the things.

The woman who ate Girls Aloud

Step forward, if you can, Sarah, Nicola, Cheryl, …

Breaking Wind

‘EXCUSE the interference, but writing this while standing in the eye of hurricane Isabel is a tricky thing.

Ever the professional, snapper Jim Bulb took this picture as he was blown away

It’s not the storm that’s causing the turbulence …

Lord Archer Is Dead

‘LORD Archer is dead. In his place is a humble man called plain old Jeffrey.

RIP Lord Archer – 1066-2212

Jeffrey has never won gold in the Olympic Games. He wasn’t the first man to serve Krug and shepherd’s pie …

Bouncing Czechs

‘WHEN Jitka Bouchalova asked her then boyfriend Tomas Kaspar’s for sperm he was all too willing to oblige. She had told him that doctors at a local clinic needed a sample of his sperm to determine what contraception was best …

Fools Gold

‘NEXT to South Africans, Australians are the best are telling us how wonderful life is back home Down Under. Down there, the sun always shines, the beer’s always cold and there’s always a fresh shrimp on the barbie.

‘We’re saving

Stamp Of Greatness

‘ONCE upon a time, not so long ago, the royal family was happy to hob-nob with fascist dictators. Leading figures could be found taking tea with Der Führer, or sharing a latte with Il Duce. Didn’t do them any harm, …

Too Much Of A Good Thing

‘“WE are now eating 28 million eggs a day,” says Mark Williams, the chief executive of the excitingly-named British Egg Industry Council. “It’s phenomenal, I have never known it like this.”

‘My son was in that film’

Phenomenal indeed. And …

Lowering the Tone

‘WE INTERRUPT this message for an important message. Our great and super leader Tony has made the following announcement, reported in the pages of the Independent, under the headline: “Blair: I will abandon presidential leadership”.

Blair will never be President

A Sad Day For Sport

‘RUPERT Murdoch’s Sun likes to protect its investments, but today’s leading news leaves a rather sour taste in the mouth.

Sussex celebrate the death of Sol Campbell’s father

“Sol’s Hell,” screams the Sun’s headline. And the story? It’s not that …

Punching Drunks

‘Frustration can be relieved in many ways. And thanks to a 28-year-old Chinese man from Chengdu there is new one. The chap is offering himself up as a human punch-bag.

This unnamed entrepreneur charges 50 yuan (about £4) for a …

Fire At Will

‘EVER wise to the ways of the street, we have noticed the development of a new trend. This movement involves hurling things at celebrities.

Do you mind if Vanessa Feltz comes to join you?

Take the Mirror’s story that in …

In The Dog House

‘WHAT do you call 244 dogs, 16 exotic birds, five cats, two kittens, one rabbit and a chinchilla? Well, until yesterday, if you were Alan and Rosalind Gregson you’d have called them family.

‘They said I was special’

But the …

Operation Harvest

‘WHAT was a lone terrorist or at most a small cell of operatives has become in the Mail’s eyes “The Illegal Land Army”.

‘Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb…’

Cunningly disguised as humble radish pickers – although this Army can blend in with …