Walker’s World

‘YEARS ago, Anna Walker was one of Sky’s most high-profile TV presenters, even fronting her own adventure travel series called Walker’s World.

‘Have I told you that Catherine Zeta Jones is my best friend?’

These days, her claim on the …

Turkey’s Brass Neck

‘TONIGHT and for one night only England play Liechtenstein at Old Trafford.

Beckham gets in practice for his crucixion

The minnows of European football are one defensive slip away from being mighty, challenging and surprisingly better than the average nth-rate …

The Wrong Joint

‘MARIJUANA allegedly plays havoc with your short-term memory. Marijuana allegedly plays havoc with your short-term memory.

This is, of course, only relevant if you have actually inhaled it in some way.

For two teenage girls from Minnesota, USA, the drug …

Let The Games Begin

‘WHERE The Games: Live fails is that the contestants are not good enough at sport to hold our interest (like in Superstars) and not bright enough to be Krypton Factor types.

Brian Apsely, 26, from Harrogate

The show would be …

Hard Lines

‘THE Express has tracked down the last remaining public football pitch in the British Isles and to its dismay found that the surface is unplayable.

Nothing that 400 tons of concrete wouldn’t sort out

Sure, there is the customary layer …

Yorkshire Pudding

‘UNLESS you are a tub, being called ‘tubby’ is not a desirable thing. So you’d expect ‘tubby’ Michelle to be upset.

Michelle mistook the microphone for an ice-cream cone

She probably is, but no more than usual since she is …

Bambi Must Die

‘IF only everyone understood Tony Blair and George Bush, there would be no need for guns and Shock and Awe campaigns.

Property of the US Government

If the masses saw the truth, the evil folks’ weapons of hate could be …

Star Chamber

‘ANYONE would have thought that the United States was a crime-free Arcadia judging by the enthusiasm of us Brits for stealing policing and judicial policies from the other side of the Atlantic.

Iain Duncan Smith and Oliver Letwin announce their

No Nudes Is Bad News

‘WHEN you think of Southend, you think of high art. You don’t? Well, you should do.

Especially for Southend theatregoers, Glynis Barber’s breast

The Essex seaside resort was one of the first names on the list to sign up a …

Making A Mocha-ry

‘ETON’S first tuckshop, as our well-heeled readers will of course know, was called School Stores and sold ‘sock’, which is Etonian slang for tuck, which is English public school slang for food.

‘Grande skinny latte, wet and with wings’

Tuck …

Alec, Alec, Alec

‘THE picture on the back page of the Mail says it all. It shows the England cricket team smiling broadly in celebration at their victory in the fifth Test against South Africa.

‘And now for Turkey’

On the shoulders of …

My Little Pony

‘PALLE Brinch loves ponies. He also loves his nine-year-old daughter.

So Brinch, a Dane, conspired to unite his two passions and invited a Shetland pony to come and live with him and his kin. Trouble is that he lived in …

Nail In The Coughin’

‘ONE person who, one imagines, will not be back to celebrate the fifth anniversary of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? is Major Charles Ingram, but the three contestants who won the jackpot without the aid of strategic coughing will …

Ono – Not Again

‘NEWS from Hollywood is that Gwyneth Paltrow is to play Yoko Ono in an upcoming biopic of the Japanese chanteuse and artiste.

‘Imagine there’s no Coldplay…’

In readiness for her role, Gwyneth is dating the lead singer of a popular …

Butting Out

‘WHEREAS scientists used to invent new modes of transport and explanations for why you fancy your mum, they now put their minds to more challenging pursuits.

‘Got any Ford Fiestas?’

After the recent discovery of a drug that makes fat …

Carb Trouble

‘VICTIMS are everywhere.

Gail Porter (ACTUAL SIZE)

Claire Sweeney is a victim. Our Claire is a victim of the intolerable strain put on high profile, talented women who want it all. And by celebrity osmosis, it’s affected Claire, too.

She, …

Boxing Match

‘WHEN David Blaine chose London as the venue for his latest stunt – spending 44 days without food in a glass box – he should have done his homework.

‘First one to knock him off wins’

For, instead of gawping …

Turning Back Time

‘AGE catches up with us all eventually – and this morning we learn that it has overtaken even the Iron Lady.

‘Ah, it seems I’ll be 65 again tomorrow’

In an interview with the Times, Sir Bernard Ingham paints a …

Old Cock And Bull

‘IT was one of the great remaining mysteries of the 20th Century – what on earth happened to heavy drinking Lancashire folk singer Barry Halpin?

At home in St Helens

A well-known character in the pubs and clubs of north-west …

Uma’s Sex Strike

‘AS Ben and Jen and Kev and Chris come into land in the world of wedded bliss and Tom and Penny are stuck in a permanent holding pattern, another couple is preparing for take-off.

Almost virginal

The National Enquirer reports …

Knock On Wood

‘FROM one wooden actor to another and the news that Kevin Costner is also about to follow the well-trodden path to the altar.

Kevin was voted as having the whitest shirt at Cannes this year

In his case, it is …

Penny Drops For Cruz

‘WITH two failed marriages behind him, Tom Cruise has apparently abandoned hope in favour of expectation and decided that he will never marry again.

Getting married is a risky business for Tom

Tom’s two divorces from Mimi Rogers and then …

Farmed Out

‘LOOK it’s… it’s… it’s.. (looks at page) Verity Rushworth!

Good luck – whoever you are

And so it is.

The legend of Emmerdale is languishing on the front of a boat in Mallorca with her boyfriend Alex, who’s “gorgeous” and …

Penny For Them

‘WHEN at around the mid-point of OK!’s audience with Penelope Cruz, it asks, “Do you ever get sick of the questions regarding your private life?”, we wonder how well the interview is going.

Penny was keen to keep her massive

Stella Vision

‘FROM two thousand feet up the small party of coloured dots and dimples assembled outside the entrance to Mound Stuart House, Scotland, could be there as part of a fire drill.

As seen from space

One other explanation is that …