Thumbs Down

‘THE greatest moment of Channel 4’s The Games, apart from Bobby Davro’s bellyflop from the high-board, has to be a conversation between the aforementioned Davro and chef Jean-Christophe Novelli.Yesterday, the pair had a heated conversation about the pressures of fame …

Slax Lovin’ Criminals

‘ATTENTION! You are under arrest!

‘Trust me – I’m middle class’

Yes, you, the people reading this in your leather-upholstered office chairs and your luxury caravans. You, the stout citizens of Middle England. You, the so-called “respectable middle classes”.

Turns …

The Boys Who Didn’t Cry Wolf

‘TONY Blair hasn’t yet been accused of ordering a hit on Robin Cook’s friend Anna Lindh.

Captain blames agressive sardines for boat damage

And there was more good news for the beleaguered PM yesterday, when he was cleared of all …

Access All Areas

‘THE security in this country is a joke. Well, that must be the conclusion reached by Carole Caplin, anyway.

Carole’s Bristol flats

It turns out that Cherie Blair’s “lifestyle guru” is in possession of a swipecard which allows her access …

Seconder Rates

‘WAS it because they called him “Wingnut”? Did the girls make fun of his woggle? Until some butler tells all, we can only guess why Prince Charles has it in for Scouts and Girl Guides.

Oggi Off

The Sun says …

Blind Tasting

‘THANKS to researchers, and the Star, we learn that those worldly Glaswegians buy more Indian meals from supermarkets than people of any other region, and that Geordies prefer Italian pizzas and pastas.

‘Put those lights out!’

Residents of Nottingham eat …

Throwing The Fit

‘WE live in dark times.

‘Smudge my lipstick and I’ll break your neck’

The world is a more violent place than it was years ago, when doors could be left open and Germans would knock before parachuting down your chimney. …

Merry Men

‘DID you know that Hernan Crespo’s dream when he was a lad was to be a binman? Yes, it’s true. It’s one of the many useful football facts that the Sun likes to trot out in place of sports reporting. …

Lazy Birds

‘BIRDS have notoriously small brains. In their defence, they can only know what they have been taught – and a flock of Northern Bald Ibis had no idea where south was.

Having been born and reared at the Konrad Lorenz …

Hospital Porter

‘SUDDENLY they’re dropping like flies. First of all it was Gail Porter’s turn to pull out of Channel 4’s The Games with a recurrence of the hamstring injury she incurred in training.

Gail gets ready on the high board

“I …

Moon Shine

‘IT is unfair on all the talented girls out there to pick one glamorous type to feature on these esteemed pages but Lucy Pinder has been catching our eye of late.

Hollywood or bust!

Indeed, she’s nearly taken it out …

Wood You Believe It?

‘KNOWING as we do that wood floats, we are less surprised than we might be to read the caption in today’s Sun.

The couple were getting bored waiting for the Elvis impersonator

The picture of a sun-dappled swimming pool is …

Spot On

‘IF you want to get ahead in Hollywood get a black head. And if you want to go A-list, get a white head with blonde hair growing out of it…and squeeze it until it hurts.

Meg has started washing her

In The Dark

‘LEEDS has been voted the favourite UK city by readers of Conde Nast Traveller – ‘arguably the most discerning travellers in the land’.

Leeds, City Of Lights

‘Visitors found that they could enjoy such shopping meccas as the upmarket department …

Stockholm Syndrome

‘IF you wondered why Tony Blair has been dragging his feet on the euro referendum, it’s not just because he knows he has no chance of winning it.

Anna Lindh, who died this morning

He will also be mindful of …

Bin Laden: The Movie

‘TODAY is the second anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon – and to commemorate the date Osama Bin Laden has released a special video.

Is THIS Lord Lucan?

The short film was aired on …

Roon At The Top

‘OF all the hype and bilge written about England’s prosaic football team the story that is increasingly hard to deny is that Wayne Rooney is, in football parlance, a bit special.

Wayne has the world at his feet

The face …

Deja Vu

‘THERE’S not much in it between watching EastEnders or David Blaine in his box for sheer boredom and repetition at the moment. The big story is that Lisa is back in Walford, turning up at Kate and Phil’s wedding to …

The Chic Of It

‘IF you are in London on a Tuesday night and have nothing better to do, may we suggest you sashay down to Chelsea and make for the K Bar?

‘I could murder a stick of celery, Poppy’ ‘Me too, Chloe’

Welsh Rarebit

‘ANNA Walker wasn’t the only person out at the Venice Film Festival working, Hello! was also there taking pictures of all the stars.

‘Hi, is George in please?’

And that means pictures of Anna’s friend, Catherine, sitting in a chair, …

Walker’s World

‘YEARS ago, Anna Walker was one of Sky’s most high-profile TV presenters, even fronting her own adventure travel series called Walker’s World.

‘Have I told you that Catherine Zeta Jones is my best friend?’

These days, her claim on the …

Turkey’s Brass Neck

‘TONIGHT and for one night only England play Liechtenstein at Old Trafford.

Beckham gets in practice for his crucixion

The minnows of European football are one defensive slip away from being mighty, challenging and surprisingly better than the average nth-rate …

The Wrong Joint

‘MARIJUANA allegedly plays havoc with your short-term memory. Marijuana allegedly plays havoc with your short-term memory.

This is, of course, only relevant if you have actually inhaled it in some way.

For two teenage girls from Minnesota, USA, the drug …

Let The Games Begin

‘WHERE The Games: Live fails is that the contestants are not good enough at sport to hold our interest (like in Superstars) and not bright enough to be Krypton Factor types.

Brian Apsely, 26, from Harrogate

The show would be …

Hard Lines

‘THE Express has tracked down the last remaining public football pitch in the British Isles and to its dismay found that the surface is unplayable.

Nothing that 400 tons of concrete wouldn’t sort out

Sure, there is the customary layer …