The Notting Hill Mob

‘AMONG the many modules in such topics as Heavy Sarcasm and Looking Out of Car Window (Levels I and II), Hendon police college offers a course in Carnival.

PC Johns was taken over by the music

The Government hopes to …

Damn Spot

‘JENNIFER Aniston has a spot.

Thank you. This award for Acne Scar of The Year means so much to me

Not a spot on a talk show or a late night confessional about women who are really men, but a …

Jelly Cat

‘FOR those who want to know what Tammy Morris looks like, the Enquirer a photograph. Tammy, the dancer who claims to have wooed and won Ben Affleck for one night, has the ubiquitous Jennifer Aniston-style locks, a nose more aqualine …

Ben’s A Sap

‘IF Ben Affleck were a porn star he’d be a natural.

When is a tree not a tree?

Getting and giving wood, as the Americans have it, would be an easy thing for the most wooden movie star since Pinocchio. …

Overstepping The Mark

‘ENGLAND are probably just in the ascendancy after the first day of the fourth Test against South Africa, but the papers know the position should be a lot better.

A Pat on the head

The Mail makes no bones about …

Wagging Tails

‘ENGLAND will undoubtedly be the more disappointed side after the first day’s play of the fourth Test, having had South Africa on the rack at 142-7.Once again, their inability to polish off the tail has cost them dear and allowed …

Leg Work

‘IT’S not quite the search for the Loch Ness Monster, the lost continent of Atlantis or the wreck of the Titanic, but divers at Universal Studios theme park in Florida have a quest of their own – a false leg. …

Yanking Our Chain

‘WHEN Americans do sitcom, they set it in a lawyer’s office, in a fashion magazine or in a radio station and populate it with good-looking and successful (if somewhat neurotic) characters.

Say ‘No Cheese’

When Brits do sitcom, they set …

Cereal Offenders

‘SINCE we all want out little loves to be individuals, special, to stand out from the rest, here’s some advice, courtesy of the Times.

Vanessa at aged 10

Before Bianca and Jack go to school, feed them up on fizzy …

House of God

‘”WARNING: church can make you ill.”

Dear Anorak, my wife doesn’t understand me and my kids are a pain…’

That’s the headline in today’s Times. And it can be added to what we already know: church can make you pregnant; …

When Scientists Attack

‘IN the sport of politics a nickname can help you climb a little higher up the greasy pole.

‘I will probably be found dead in the woods”

‘Red Ken’ Livingstone, ‘Iron Lady’ Margaret Thatcher and Ronald ‘The Gipper’ Reagan have …

Jam Today

‘WHAT Michelle’s thoughts are about Bank Holiday traffic we don’t know, but we do know that the country is about to grind to a halt as holidaymakers head for the coast.

Last year we stayed in a Renault Megan

How? …

Lucy’s Triumph

‘TWO weeks ago, Lucy Pinder was just another 19-year-old who had sneaked off to Bournemouth beach in search of a suntan.

Give us a wave

But that Thursday afternoon Lucy got much more than a suntan – she got a …

Price Of Fame

‘CELEBRITY comes at a price and Big Brother fruitcake Nush Nowak is today paying for her 15 minutes of fame with 18 months of agony.

Nush and a friend

That’s how long it will be before the hippy chick can …

Unwanted Gest

‘LIZA Minnelli knows more than most about weddings – she has been down the aisle (and back up it again in a hurry) on four occasions now.

Two wise heads

And she is happy to share her thoughts on the …

Heiress And Graces

‘SWEDISH weddings are like buses – and not just because in Ulrika’s case as many people have been on the bride as have been on the average London Routemaster.

And we get Princess Anne!

No, you wait all year for …

A Low-Key Affair

‘WHEN Ulrika Jonsson first announced details of her wedding to dating show reject Lance Gerrard-Wright, she assured us all that it would be a low-key affair.

‘I’ll give you a fiver for a job lot’

“I should imagine it will …

Being Frank

‘IT’S unlike the Telegraph to be hyperbolic but its headline – “Beckham gets the party going” – suggests more than it delivers.

Beckham Jnr – on his way to Chelsea?

England’s victory over Croatia last night by three goals to …

What A Bore!

‘RESCUERS had to break into a bank to free a toddler who got locked inside the vault of the Washington Mutual Bank in Redwood, California, and would have been stuck there until morning.

No-one realised that Daniella Sanchez, aged two, …

Games For A Laugh

‘BRITAIN’S Olympic 2012 bid has taken another blow, and this time from Ken Livingstone, one its main supporters.

‘I believe I can fly’

The farce of the World Athletic Championships, which were moved from London to Paris after the Government …

Class TV

‘TELEVISION loves confrontation and the Channel 4 series Masters and Servants gives it to us in spades.

‘Your wife’s head, sir’

This is not adult-orientated broadcasting of the type that used to earn a red triangle, but a show in …

Save Our Hyphen

‘WE send out an S.O.S to English users everywhere. Grammar Vegans are endangering our language through their under-use of the hyphen.

‘I’d kill for a fag’

Just as animal rights enthusiasts are going to wipe out all mink, smoking rabbits …

Drugs Don’t Work?

”IF you’re not on drugs, you soon will be.”

Take three times a day before meals

The NHS are trying out a few new mottos and that’s the current hot favourite, although “You don’t have to be mad to work …

Dropping The Aitch

‘AS with the ever-widening poverty gap, there is evidence of increased daylight between the brightest and the densest school pupils.

‘I don’t know what you’ve got to laugh about, ginger’

While the Telegraph brings news that GCSE pass rates have …

The Common Touch

‘PRINCE Harry is a toff. His grandmother’s Queen, he plays polo and he’s as thick as pigshit – all essential ingredients of the toff’s make-up.

A damned nice looking filly

But he’s a toff with the common touch, according to …