Tip-Top Success

‘DUSTIN Hoffman has more talent in the tip of his finger than most of Hollywood have in their entire bodies.

Half the man he used to be

So we are shocked and saddened to hear that a recent accident caused …

Blown Away

‘OK, you can start eating now. We said you can start eating. Jee-sus, is Lara Flynn Boyle deaf or what? YOU CAN START EATING NOW!!!

You alright in there, Lara?

It’s no good, she can’t hear us. She’s on the …

Be Our Gest

‘AFTER Dr Atkins and his dieting kin, we bring you the Gest Diet, as induced by David Gest.

David forgets to put his trousers on…again

This one’s an easy enough diet, although you might die from lack of sustenance. But …

Phil Fingers Dennis

‘IT’S not often one feels sorry for Phil Mitchell, but waking up to find a naked fat nanny in your bed has got to be pretty distressing.

Barry, Janine and Natalie enjoy a rousing game of piggy in the middle

From Bad To Worse

‘WEST Ham manager Glenn Roeder yesterday hinted that he would quit the crisis-hit club if striker Jermain Defoe is sold to Manchester United.

Didn’t he used to work with Graham Taylor?

”I will do everything I possibly can to keep …

Aisle Be Damned

‘WE all knew far more than we ever wanted to know about John Leslie and Abi Titmuss days ago, but the Express is determined to flog the couple’s story to within an inch of its life.

Join ugly sisters John

Trial Separation

‘IT has long been said that any two people on the planet can be connected in six steps – the so-called six degrees of separation.

”And I’ve had that Kevin Bacon”

And now scientists have proved that that really is …

De Gargantuis

‘SOME of the most famous – and infamous – works of literature have been written while the author is behind bars.

The one on the right’s as guilty as sin

One thinks of John Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress, of Oscar Wilde’s …

A Zee And Many Zeros

‘THE inescapable truth is that apart from this site – although occasionally this site too – the Internet is a sink of human depravity and porn.

”Last one into the sofa shop’s not a geek”

But people keen to explain …

Love Potion

‘THANKS to the living cool that is science, we have learned that everything can be expressed in the form of an equation.

”What’s the recipe for lasting love, Cher?” ”My pretending you’re someone else”

For instance, we know the code …

Train Spotted

‘ARE you ready for extreme trainspotting? In this version of the popular sport, daredevil spotters have to collect numbers while the train is actually moving at full pelt between stations.

Neville, Brian and Janet were surprised that they had been

US And Them

‘AMERICAN politics is much more exciting than politics over here, as the race for Governor of California proves.

God bless America

Not only is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s name on the ballot sheet to replace incumbent Gray Davies, but so are the …

Hammer Time

‘A WEEK ago, Paul Merson predicted that West Ham would walk away with the Division One title.

Defoe can’t wait to get that shirt off

In fact, he said the side were so much better than any of the other …

Partial Recall

‘IMAGINE if the US President was a former Hollywood actor of little discernible talent who read his lines like a perfunctory robot and had a nice winter tan.

The bodybuilder politic

You need not stretch the mind too far, as …

Never Too Young

‘THEY believe in starting them young Down Under – as the case of the Aussie dad who brought his eight-month-old baby son with him on an armed robbery proves.

The masked man held up a fast-food restaurant in Perth before …

Carrying His Bat

‘MARK Nicholas is labouring in the belief that Nasser Hussain has somehow wronged England.

Nasser protects himself against the brickbats thrown at him

Writing in the Telegraph, Channel 4′s pouting cricket presenter says that ‘the bravest thing Hussain could have …

Any Old Irons

‘BEFORE we get to the serious stuff, here’s a question for you. After Chelsea, which football club has spent the most money on new players this summer?

Harry Redknapp claims to have found a surviving West Ham player

The answer …

Real Love

‘DAVID Beckham hasn’t even got to Spain but he’s apparently homesick already, telling the papers that he misses his family, pie, mash and jellied eels – but not necessarily in that order.

”Nice hair-do. Shame about the wife”

Real’s new …

Hello Buoys!

‘IF Abi Titmuss is making the most of her 15 minutes of fame, Lucy Pinder is determined to do likewise with her 15 seconds in the sun.

Lucy is quite a handful

The Star has been besieged with text messages …

The Nurse’s Tale

‘A YEAR ago, Abi Titmuss was thrust into the limelight when, in a slightly bizarre game of musical beds, she happened to be in John Leslie’s when the storm over his sex life broke.

Tomorrow, Abi tells all about a

Trigger Happy

‘JUST think how great it will be when cloning becomes the norm.

”You look exactly like I did when I was your age”

George Bush can sit on the American throne forever, Tony and Cherie can keep their Cabinet stocked …

Drop Dead, Mr Chips

‘FOCUSING on American life is something we should do more often, given that what passes for normal there will soon be exported over here.

Miss Glossop’s third year maths class

And so to the Telegraph’s news that a professor who …

Hasta La White House, Baby

‘WATCHING Ronald Reagan in the 1980s, many of us believed that poor Ronnie thought he was not really in the White House at all, but merely on set.

”And my wife is played by Jane Fonda…”

His entire term of …

Sketch Booked

‘ON their hen nights, soon-to-be brides are traditionally meant to make the most of their last night of freedom by jumping on every bloke they meet.

‘So, Contestant No.1, why do you want to sleep with me?’

However, by that …

Game, Lysette And Match

‘POOR Lysette Anthony. Lysette who? Lysette Anthony – you know, the one who used to be Two Up, Three Down or Three Up, Two Down or whatever combination it was.

‘Do I get a place on the cover now?’

Poor …