Nationwide Terror Probe Nets Hundreds Of PM Irritants
COUNTER-TERRORISM POLICE today rounded up hundreds of Britons suspected of membership in organizations described as “irritating” to Prime Minister Gordon Brown. The exact number was not released, but police officials said that many more are expected, “depending on the Prime Minister’s mood this morning.”
“Our sole purpose is to keep citizens safe from the threat of international terrorism,” said Thomas Ayckroyd, a spokesman for the Home Office. “While these detainees may all be British citizens, they were clearly engaged in treasonous acts designed to destabilize Her Majesty’s government by embarrassing, irritating, or otherwise inconveniencing the Prime Minister.”
The latest arrests appeared to be a result of the 28 November arrest of MP Damian Green, the Tory shadow immigration minister who was detained without charge by counter-terror police after he embarrassed the PM by revealing in Parliament that thousands of illegal immigrants had been cleared by the government to work as security guards. According to Home Office officials, Green finally cracked and revealed names of fellow plotters after 15 hours of intense interrogation that included waterboarding, genital electrodes, and forced viewing of one of Brown’s environmental speeches.
Among those arrested in yesterday’s nationwide manhunt were Sybil Johnson, 83, of 12 Downing Street, Westminster, and her pet terrier Puddles, 7. Counter-terrorism experts describe the duo, who until their arrest lived next door to Brown, as “constantly yapping thorns in the Prime Minister’s side, depriving him of sleep and blocking his driveway with their rubbish bins.” Puddles is also suspected as the mastermind behind the successful 23 November plot to soil Brown’s shoes with strategically-placed curbside dog droppings. Johnson remains in custody, and police say Puddles has been remanded to the custody of the US for imprisonment at its controversial ‘Yipmo’ canine terrorist detention kennel.
Also arrested in the sweep was Julian St. Julian, the exclusive Notting Hill hairdresser whom security officials say is responsible for Brown’s painfully embarrassing haircut. Those privy to his interrogation say the 31-year old stylist at first denied culpability for the widely derided coiffure, repeatedly maintaining that it was “avant-garde” and “accentuated his cheekbones.” After hours of cross-examination by Home Office psychological experts, however, St. Julian eventually confessed.
“Yes! I admit it! It’s ghastly and ridiculous! And it did it on purpose!” shouted St. Julian on a videotape released by the government.
“I did it, and I’m glad I did it! Ha ha haha!!” he added, laughing maniacally. “I charged him £160, and he left a £40 tip!”
Home Office officials say that St. Julian also implicated the Prime Minister’s tailor, who has reportedly fled the country and and applied for asylum in Khazakhstan. Attorneys for St. Julian say they will appeal his scheduled deportation, saying that the confession was coerced by depriving him of gels and conditioners.
For his part, the PM denied any prior knowledge or involvement of the latest round of arrests.
“It’s an absurd question,” he said in remarks outside his residence. “We all need let the police do their job to keep Britain safe from the threat of terrorism and embarrassment. And if you ask me that again, you’re going straight on my list.”
Ayckroyd said the recent arrests were “the tip of the iceberg” of a growing conspiracy of home-grown sleeper cells throughout Britain, containing elements openly contemptuous of Brown. He appealed to citizens to report to terror police any “suspicious mockery or political delinquency.”
Who is ultimately behind the plot is so far unknown, but Ayckroyd said the Terror Police have a solid lead.
“We have received tips from several reliable sources about the identity of the terror mastermind responsible for exposing the Prime Minister to these vicious and savage acts of embarrassment,” said the spokesman. “We don’t know his name, but can confirm that his initials are G.B.”
Posted: 4th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians Comments (14) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink
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December 9th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
This is probably very funny but since we kicked the Limeys out of our country we have sadly stopped learning of England, you know, America studies winners! Enjoy the evil Master of Disaster who shall now wreak havok on all that you cherish, you will never be the same when Iowahawk finishes with you and makes off with with your money and your wife
December 5th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Nice work Iowahawk! Help out brit friends out! Sounds like they need it!
December 5th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
can someone tell me what this sign says, it was a gift from tony blair after he left office
December 5th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Iowahawk - not your best stuff. Don’t let the side down.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Iowahawk RULES!
December 5th, 2008 at 6:58 am
Has any country ever been blessed with such friends as the UK? As an American, I cannot express deeply enough my heartfelt respect and admiration for my UK brethren. Sure, your food could make a maggot puke, your weather sucks, and the best of your nation’s comedy talent moved to LA when Cleese left decades ago, but I would share a foxhole with the lot of you, any day.
And indeed, as an American, I can say that you bastards are one of the few nations with the testicular fortitude to slug it out with us when the going gets tough. And you did it, time and again, and are even now giving hell to the Taliban, close enough that we can gag from your stink. You, sirs, are a magnificent set of assholes, and I am proud to call you my friends.
To celebrate our alliance, we Americans gladly lend you the talents of Iowahawk, a national treasure right up there with Coca-Cola and Internet porn. Consider it reparations for the ass-kicking we gave you starting in 1776 and again in 1812. Truly, the only foes that have ever been worthy of our bullets have came from the UK, and I am thankful that we are now shooting at the same scum.
-Shamus
December 4th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
Percy, you have an ‘l’ in Anakor,this cannot beeeeeeeeeeeee.
Woof and woof and woof to you and yours
December 4th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Anolrak is all goodness & grace…many thanks …it has kept me on the straight & narrow. June sweetpea…you must be so relieved to be out of the MM missive madness. Me & my dog wish you all the best or the festive season of goodwill.
December 4th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Percy, sweetest, alas and alack I cannot.
Aronka has earmarked me as the resident dog hag,and I no longer moderate.
He has hired some professional mods, bless them.
I shall be Pet Section in due course, and away from the miasma of the MM threads, oh tis bliss!
I shall email Arokna on your behalf and I’m sure he or his new henchmen shall oblige your request
December 4th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
June dearest …be a love and remove my post …you would not want to see me imprisoned for impersonating a politician would you?….maybe you would. Let me put this another way…please remove my post and I promise never to impersonate you.
December 4th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Please excuse me,as I’m an American and may not be au courant with colloquial speech in the UK, but “PM Irritants” does refer to “Pre-Menstrual”, doesn’t it?
December 4th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
I used to post on a site where I was constantly being given grief by someone calling himself Damian Green, a most annoying and obnoxious fellow . Surely it could not be one & the same, or could it? Anyway I dealt with this prat in a most original way, I used my pychic intuition to guess his login name ( not Damian Green…too obvious) & password to this particular site, changed his password and name and started posting under his new name.
It worked so wonderfully well that I never heard a peep from the creep again.
Maybe Mr. Brown can take note, though he does not need my pychic intuition, he can just call in P.C. Plod to go through the nations internet accounts and weed out any unwanted wordsmiths an troublemakers.
I’m expecting a knock at the door anytime soon….the kettles on constantly in case.
December 4th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Treasonous is a wonderful word, sounds much more divisive than treachery which sounds like a sport.
So were these home-grown disenfranchised irritants or migrant extremist gay hair-dressers?
December 4th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Treasonous? Mr Ayckroyd! shame on you, the word is treachery….
Well done Puddles Johnson of No 12 ,Downing Street