WELCOME to Junior PM, the show in which Gordon Brown takes on the guise of Sir Alan Sugar in The Apprentice and looks for a new protégé.

Indeed, the Mail says Hazel Blears, the shrill Communities Secretary, has been “told that the scheme would make the Prime Minister ‘more popular than Alan Sugar’”.

That’s the dream. Gordon has been learning to fold his arms “like he means it” and begins sentences with hard-faced observations such as “My motto is…”, “I’m a go getter…” and “If anyone stands in my way I will stomp on their throat”. But Brown’s Sugar Scowl makes him look just glum.

But it’s a ten-part plan, and the first target will be to make Brown more popular than David Cameron, or Andrew Lloyd Webber, the fidgety host of TV talent show I’d Do Anything.

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A PICTURE of Cherie Blair and the headline “I came back from Balmoral pregnant”.

And nine moths later baby Leo was born, the child with the wingnut ears, stuttering speech patterns and carefully arranged hair.

We journey back with Cherie, via the Sun, to 1999, and Cherie is packing for a trip to the royal house.

Says she: “This year I had not packed by contraceptive equipment, out of sheer embarrassment.”

Contraceptives are usually afforded the qualifier “device”, and Cherie’s use of “equipment” conjures images of a kit, one that possibly features a picture of Pope John Paul II, a Claire Short ringtone and a full length mirror.

Fast forward now to the eve of Cherie’s 45th birthday and there is one “shadow on my immediate horizon: My period. Where was it?”

Iraq?

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CHERIE Blair’s autobiography is being serialised in the Sun - “the mum of four finally breaks her silence about life in Downing Street.”

The deafening sound of Cherie’s silence? Finally…

Says Cherie: “Tony used to say in terms of ability that Gordon was way ahead of everyone.

“The irony is, if they’d only worked as closely as originally agreed, Gordon’s chance would have come sooner.”

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GORDON Brown’s big tent has a soundtrack. It’s the Arctic Monkeys on his iPod. It’s the theme song to Ben 10.

Or is it the last post? Watching Gordon Brown is painful. You just hope the tears hurry up and come and we can all move on.

SAYS political nodding head Steve Richards Independet column on Labour’s drubbing in the local elections:

It can be summarised in three words: “Brown is a disaster”

There’s only one word for that: magic darts…

SAYS Kevin Maguire in the Mirror: “Cocky David Cameron has privately conceded that he’s not as popular as he’d like us to think.”

Says the Mirror’s deputy political editor, Jason Beattie one page on:

“Gordon Brown was yesterday warned by Cabinet colleagues his core voters were being won over by David Cameron.

“One senior minister said former Labour supporters were not just ‘flirting’ with the Tory leader but climbing into bed with him.”

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THE Daily Mail’s front-page headline says it all: “RUBBISH TAX WILL BE DUMPED.”

It’s a decent pun on Gordon Brown’s tax on household waste. And the pay-as-you-throw tax will be dumped.

The Mail has the scoop.

Or as the BBC puts it:

Trials of a scheme to tax householders who throw away too much rubbish are to forge ahead, Downing Street has said.

The Mail, of course, didn’t say which rubbish tax Brown would dump, only that he will…

Picture: Poldraw 

AN up and at ‘em wake up call from the new improved Daily Sport: “DON’T VOTE! GET LAID!”

For those of you not up with Americanisms, those of you who like your Sport to focus on association football and not soccer, “laid” is explained as: “Don’t bother voting! Get our leg over instead!”

Today Britons go to the polls and select which retired dentists, overgrown schoolboys and patty canvassers they want to sit on the 4,023 council seats up for grabs. Or not.

The Sun’s George Pasco-Watson prefers voting to sex and thinks Gordon Brown “faces a beating”, a “hammering”. This is “Judgement Day”. (Picture: Beau Bo D’Or Website)

The Mirror’s Bob Roberts hears Sunder Katwala, general secretary of the Fabian Society, a “key Labour thinktank”, accuse Brown of “neurotic under-confidence”.

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REALLY: “We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to prevent coastal erosion on the east coast of Yorkshire“.

Source

Says The Croydonian: “As opposed to the west coast of Yorkshire, of course.”

SIMON Carr on Gordon Brown’s formidable strength: 

They are amazing, in their way. Admirable, even. The sheer intestinal fortitude it must take to appear in public after all that international humiliation. And then to come back and be humiliated at home. How to go through all that humiliation without being humbled! What a package of qualities you need for public life at this highest level. Of course, lunacy helps and, yesterday, Gordon Brown displayed the strength of 10 lunatics. It is his greatest asset.

Source

PRESIDENT George Bush is to make an appearance on Deal Or No Deal, that game show where contestants use the wonder of guessing to win money.

The Bush episode features Capt. Joseph Kobes, as he attempts to win enough cash to pay off his parents’ home.

Kobes is an American hero, a Purple Heart and Bronze Star recipient who has served in Iraq three times - all three Gulf Wars wars, right George!.

Deal or No Deal is all about peering into the future, and guessology.

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GORDON Brown is in the US. So too is the Pope, Tony Blair’s special envoy.

A coincidence? The Guardian says the Pope’s visit is “threatening to overshadow Brown’s trip.

There is a risk that Americans who didn’t know who Brown was before his visit will be none the wiser by the time he heads home.

In any case, Tony Blair’s the President of England, right? Roll the tape:

GORDON Brown is talking on the local radio in Oxford.

The Sun tunes in. It hears and that the PM can’t get the theme song for children’s TV show Ben 10 out of his head.

No, not Ben No.10. Gordon Brown would not stoop to dog whistle politics, tapping into listeners’ subconscious.

This is Ben 10, the character created by a company called Man of Action. This is Ben 10 who finds a device that gives him the ability to transform into a variety of life forms, each with their own unique powers. He can be all things to all people.

This is Ben 10, who encounters Kevin, a sociopath with flicky hair who eventually morphs into a hideous amalgam of Ben’s original ten forms. Kevin teams up with the yellowy Vilgax, and together they try to do down Ben 10.

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GOD save Franz Herzog von Bayern new King of England and Scotland.

The Telegraph reports that should Gordon Brown repeal the 1701 Act of Settlement, something he is considering, the 74-year-old German will sit on the throne.

Brown sees the undoing of the Act as a way of “healing a historic injustice by ending the prohibition against Catholics taking the throne”.

No Act and Franz Herzog von Bayern, the current Duke of Bavaria, becomes the rightful heir to the British Crown under the Stuart line.

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“IMMIGRANTS,” screams the Express, calling the country’s assorted Poles, Australians and more to attention, “NO BROWN WANTS MORE.”

When Anorak mocked up Gordon Brown as Oliver Twist, we meant it in jest.

But he can’t have any more. There aren’t any more. Everyone’s already here. To get more immigrants, the immigrants will have to go away and come back again. Perhaps British Airways could put them in bags to Milan and save on costs?

But Gordon Brown wants more. He says the number of job vacancies has now increased to 675,000 and businesses can benefit from being able to “recruit more widely”.

The Express presses ‘1’ on the speed dial and contacts Sir Andrew Green, the chairman of Migrationwatch UK.

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JUST when you thought school could not get any worse, the Mirror announces: “FREE SCHOOL MEAL FOR EVERY PUPIL.”

Says Labour MP Sharon Hodgson said: “This is just the type of big bold thinking we need to secure a fourth term. In many schools, children roam the streets at lunchtimes, which is often bad news for local residents and good news for the chippy or burger bars.”

Vote Labour and say “No” to lunchtime trade. That’s the small business vote secured.

Ms Hodgson goes on: “It’s just over a century since the School Meals Act in 1906, which aimed to ensure children were not too hungry to concentrate.”

It’s 1906 and all that. No central heating in those halcyon days of rumbaba and rickets. Turn off the generator. Make it cold and so improve the students’ powers of concentration

“We now need to ensure that not only does no child go hungry but their food is healthy. All children get a desk, pencils and pens and a teacher. They should also get lunch, it’s as fundamental as that.”

What about desks sprayed with a Vitamin Varnish, quills plucked from organic hens, pencils fashioned from carrot sticks and a teacher who brings in an apple a day for her class?

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