TO the Crewe and Nantwich by–election and Labour Party candidate Tasmin Dunwoody is using her blog to answer the question: “Who is Edward Timpson?”

You mean the Conservative candidate?

Answer: All we know about him is he waffles lots, wants to cut the funding going to our schools, has no idea how to tackle crime and lives in a BIG mansion house on the other side of Tarporley.

It’s class war, as declared by Tamsin Dunwoody. Is she related to Moyra Tamsin Dunwoody-Kneafsey, granddaughter to former government whip Baroness Phillips, daughter to Labour MP Gwyneth Dunwoody, whose death has brought about the by-election?

It would seem so. But she’s now plain old Tamsin Dunwoody, Moyra and the hyphen-Kneafsey lost on route from her Welsh home.

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THE London Evening Standard’s Paul Waugh asks Kate Hoey, the former Labour sports minister and still Labour member of parliament for Vauxhall, now operating as Boris Johnson’s Commissioner for Sport, how she voted in the London mayoral elections.

Boris or Ken?

Her reply:

“Er…when was the election…I can’t remember!”

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KATE Hoey writes:

Dear Member of Vauxhall Labour Party,
The Members of this Party are its lifeblood and so I wanted you to be the first to know that I have now agreed to be the Mayor of London’s Commissioner for Sport.
I have been asked to develop the London legacy plan for sport arising from the unique opportunity that the 2012 Olympics gives us, and to help increase grass roots sport participation and access to sporting opportunities across London.

Read the rest of it here…

SAYS JACQUI Smith, the Home Secretary: “Under my own guidelines, had I been caught in possession over 18 I should have been charged.”

Smith has admitted to having smoked cannabis a “few times”, but assures a caller to the radio show she’s talking on that it was “a lengthy period ago”.

Although what with the schizophrenic properties of weed, she cannot be certain when it was exactly, and neither can she.

(Picture: Beau Bo D’Or Website)

Smith made a note of it somewhere, and passed over the file to a data management company for safe keeping, but they’ve mislaid it and now there is a lack of proof about whatever it was she was saying earlier.

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ALISTAIR Darling has a hole in his Budget - music video:

Spotter

WELCOME to Junior PM, the show in which Gordon Brown takes on the guise of Sir Alan Sugar in The Apprentice and looks for a new protégé.

Indeed, the Mail says Hazel Blears, the shrill Communities Secretary, has been “told that the scheme would make the Prime Minister ‘more popular than Alan Sugar’”.

That’s the dream. Gordon has been learning to fold his arms “like he means it” and begins sentences with hard-faced observations such as “My motto is…”, “I’m a go getter…” and “If anyone stands in my way I will stomp on their throat”. But Brown’s Sugar Scowl makes him look just glum.

But it’s a ten-part plan, and the first target will be to make Brown more popular than David Cameron, or Andrew Lloyd Webber, the fidgety host of TV talent show I’d Do Anything.

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CHERIE Blair has a new book out.

Speaking for Myself, her follow up to Speaking For My Husband, Speaking For Suicide and Bingo! is being read by the columnists.

Those Cherie Blair recommendations in full:

Fergus Shanahan (SUN): “Revenge of the grasping Mrs B”

(Picture: Beau Bo D’Or Website)

Daily Star phone poll: “IS CHERIE A MONEY GRABBING WITCH?”

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AFTER the news that CCTV images have made no difference to levels of crime in the UK, the Sun says our boys in near-black blue are to given taser guns.

Says Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary: “I can envisage a day when they could be routinely issued to all police officers.”

Anorak can envisage the day when CCTVs cameras are all linked by invisible lasers, which when broken trigger a blast of debilitating heat.

The only way to avoid being burnt alive is to carry a deflector, a small chip embedded into every identity card.

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A PICTURE of Cherie Blair and the headline “I came back from Balmoral pregnant”.

And nine moths later baby Leo was born, the child with the wingnut ears, stuttering speech patterns and carefully arranged hair.

We journey back with Cherie, via the Sun, to 1999, and Cherie is packing for a trip to the royal house.

Says she: “This year I had not packed by contraceptive equipment, out of sheer embarrassment.”

Contraceptives are usually afforded the qualifier “device”, and Cherie’s use of “equipment” conjures images of a kit, one that possibly features a picture of Pope John Paul II, a Claire Short ringtone and a full length mirror.

Fast forward now to the eve of Cherie’s 45th birthday and there is one “shadow on my immediate horizon: My period. Where was it?”

Iraq?

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CHERIE Blair’s autobiography is being serialised in the Sun - “the mum of four finally breaks her silence about life in Downing Street.”

The deafening sound of Cherie’s silence? Finally…

Says Cherie: “Tony used to say in terms of ability that Gordon was way ahead of everyone.

“The irony is, if they’d only worked as closely as originally agreed, Gordon’s chance would have come sooner.”

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SAYS political nodding head Steve Richards Independet column on Labour’s drubbing in the local elections:

It can be summarised in three words: “Brown is a disaster”

There’s only one word for that: magic darts…

SAYS Kevin Maguire in the Mirror: “Cocky David Cameron has privately conceded that he’s not as popular as he’d like us to think.”

Says the Mirror’s deputy political editor, Jason Beattie one page on:

“Gordon Brown was yesterday warned by Cabinet colleagues his core voters were being won over by David Cameron.

“One senior minister said former Labour supporters were not just ‘flirting’ with the Tory leader but climbing into bed with him.”

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IT looks like being clean fight in the Crewe and Nantwich by-election as Miss Great Britain Gemma Garrett steps into a swimming pool in her immaculate smalls.

“I am really looking forward to meeting all the voters there and to showing them the power of beauty,” says the Beauties for Britain Party representative, who may care to add the caveat: “weather permitting.”

There’s Garrett in the Mail, her tiara-topped bust alongside a picture of Tamsin Dunwoody, daughter to Gwyneth Dunwoody, who held the contested seat until her recent death.

Belfast’s Miss Dunwoody is blonde, so stands comparison with Xanthus Miss Garrett, who went to school in London and lives in Wales.

Up against her is the Tory’s Edward Timpson (brunette), who, as the Mail says, lives 15 miles from Crewe.

The contest is already “dirty”, says the Mail, as accusations fly as to which candidate is the most local.

Anorak has plotted a graph of the agonists localness, taking into account each of their movements since birth and now delivers the mean distance from Town Hall for each contestant.

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Schrodinger’s Pig - an open letter to the Labout Party:

 Perhaps you’ve forgotten us. We are the tax paying, voting people. Remember the folks who put the X in the box in 1997, and waited with you, fingers and toes crossed, for the results to come in? The ones who sang to D:REAM as Michael Portillo was slumping, shell shocked into the background. We are the ones you said you’d listen to, and would work for. The plan was that you’d go in there, make them behave. Take away the power ball, and give it back to us. We made sure you got the job.

THE Daily Mail’s front-page headline says it all: “RUBBISH TAX WILL BE DUMPED.”

It’s a decent pun on Gordon Brown’s tax on household waste. And the pay-as-you-throw tax will be dumped.

The Mail has the scoop.

Or as the BBC puts it:

Trials of a scheme to tax householders who throw away too much rubbish are to forge ahead, Downing Street has said.

The Mail, of course, didn’t say which rubbish tax Brown would dump, only that he will…

Picture: Poldraw 

TONY and Cherie Blair have purchased the former home of the late actor Sir John Gielgud.

The South Pavilion in Wotton Underwood, Buckinghamshire, is the Blairs’ sixth residence.

A Mr Mark Rimell, a director of country house sales for Strutt and Parker, which marketed the property after Sir John’s death there in May 2000, tells the Mail on Sunday:

“When I first viewed the property, Sir John Gielgud’s Oscar was still sitting on the windowsill in the bathroom.

“The house even had its own stage, but overall it was looking somewhat tired.”

It’s a fitting sixth home for the Blairs, especially since Mr Rimmell says the home suffers from a lack of privacy: “You can be standing in one of the public rooms of Wotton House and get a clear view of the whole garden and some of the interior of South Pavilion.”

What good a pile if the plebs can’t see the common man of the people standing in it? It’s what socialism is all about.

But what will the Blairs do with the house when they’re not in residence? Will it pay for itself?

The smart money is on Blair Towers, the New Labour theme park with:

John Prescott Croquet Lawn

John Prescott Merry Go Round - drive a peddle-powered jag around a desk and see if you can catch woman dressed as a leather KitKat

Cherie Blair Supermarket Sweep & Grabber

Jo Moore’s Burial Mound - a roller-coaster ride shaped like the Twin Towers…

* Gain free entry into the Blair holiday village by being Cliff Richard.

And many more…

Picture: Beau Bo D’Or Website