Being Spoonfed By The Nannying BBC
SAYS Stephen Pollard: “If the BBC was given charge of a three star Michelin restaurant, it would puree all the food and feed it to its customers through straws.”
‘TV & Radio’
Reality TV celebrities never die - they just relocate to Love Island, Pop
Idol and the X-Factor with Simon Cowell. Big Brother 8, Celebrity Big
Brother, Big Brother 2007 - all manner of Big Brother makes a new celebrity
on Channel 4.
Idol and the X-Factor with Simon Cowell. Big Brother 8, Celebrity Big
Brother, Big Brother 2007 - all manner of Big Brother makes a new celebrity
on Channel 4.
Reality TV made celebrities of Shilpa Shetty, Jade Goody, Girls Aloud, this
year’s American Idol and . Davina McCall shouts, Dermot O’Leary interviews,
the housemates threaten to have sex on air and famous careers in porn and
reality TV.
Madonna Wants Us To Jump And F*** For Planet Earth
WHEN Madonna stood on the Live 8 pulpit and told us, “If you want to save the planet I want you to start jumping up and down. Come on motherf*****”, we jumped.
We have now jumped 54,982 times. If we stop jumping the planet will die.
Anorak set about petitioning World Wildlife Fund to approve a cull of all carbon exhaling creatures that cannot jump, such as elephants, babies and Peter Crouch.
Now Madonna has issued another withering cry. In a concert broadcast over the BBC, the popstar tells us: “You guys are going to have to start f***ing it up out there ‘cos I need to feel some love.”
Jumping and fucking it up at once is no easy thing, not least of all for anyone who has trouble patting their had and rubbing their tummies at the same time.
BBC Pun Of The Day: Great Tits And Global Warming
THIS is the most popular story on the BBC website right now: “Great tits cope well with warming”
Gordon Brown Says A Briton Invented The iPod
GORDON Brown’s big tent has a soundtrack. It’s the Arctic Monkeys on his iPod. It’s the theme song to Ben 10.
Or is it the last post? Watching Gordon Brown is painful. You just hope the tears hurry up and come and we can all move on.
We Woz Robbied: Williams And Ant ‘n’ Dec’s TV Fix
ANT (left) and Dec (right) are holding a small statuette (centre).
They are the happy winners of a British Comedy Award for their Saturday night show Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway. It’s 2005, and the Peoples’ Choice Award – voted by you, the People – is theirs.
But they haven’t won, not really. It’s just that Robbie Williams wants to present them with an award so ITV have fixed the vote to ensure they win and that Williams enlivens another televised showbiz AGM.
It’s the Star’s front-page news: “ANT ‘N’ DEC TV AWARD FIXED – Show is fiddled to keep Robbie Williams happy.”
The Apprentice: Alan Sugar’s Robotic Fingers And Booster Seat
NEWS is that Sir Alan Sugar may use his pointy finger to make himself appear taller.
The Apprentice reject Jenny Celerier tells Virgin Radio host Christian O’Connell: “I did notice when he got on to his chair he did a sort of little jump to get on to it.”
When pressed on the subject of child booster seats, Ms Clerier mused: “I’m saying he might do.”
Sir Alan stands at 5ft 6ins, but with his finger extended in “You’re fired” mode, he elongates to 5ft 10ins.
Coronation Street Does Josef Fritzl
MATTHEW Crompton WILL film Coronation Street’s “shocking CELLAR storyline”, says the Sun.
TV “bosses” have decided to KEEP the story “despite Austrian devil dad Josef Fritzl’s dungeon hitting the headlines”.
Good job Corrie’s storyline didn’t before Fritzl’s crimes came to light, and the show thus forced to answer some awkward question.
Crompton, who plays bookmaker Dan Mason, could do worse than ask Elisabeth Fritzl for her advice as he gets into character…
Hot Air: Richard Littlejohn V Polly Tonybee
RICHARD Littlejohn versue “pet” Polly Tonybee on the BBC.
Is there a third way?
Can You Hear Me Mr Hoon, A Sad Man Tonight
NEW Labour is undone. Old Labour is undone.
Can you hear me Mr Hoon?
Labour in all its guises is undone. And Mr Geoff Hoon, the Labour Party’s Chief Whip, is talking with Mr Dimbleby of the BBC.
Can you hear me Mr Hoon?
Cue the sar-car-sm:
I’d Do Anything: Lloyd-Webber’s Finger Prongs And Jessie’s Third Person
GOODBYE Keisha. Or so long, farewell, cheery-o, Keisha, as the Olivers would sing it.
After more flirtations with disaster than Peter Stringfellow’s thong, Keisha was finally introduced to the wrong side of the stage door.
Having sung a song against Niamh (3-1 to leave this weekend), Andrew Lloyd Webber made his choice: “Thank goodness I can get rid of one of you losers.”
Only joking. Said Lloyd–Webber: “First, I’m going to say this is a complete and utter travesty, neither of you should be in the bottom two, it’s completely wrong…I’ve been put into a situation that I have never wanted to be in. For the first time on a television show, I am angry.”
You won’t like AGW when he’s angry. It’s hard to like him when he’s mute. He’s taken to doing something peculiar with his fingers. When down to the final two he uses the digits as a two-pronged fork to stab at the agonists.
Being stagy types, you’d expect one of them to offer a mock recoil and fall to the boards with an “Alas, poor Webber, I knew him” or, given the losers’ future career options in panto, a grizzly “The apple is poisoned”.
Amanda Holden On Simon Cowell And Her Kidzzz
SAYS Amanda Holden, Britain’s Got Talent’s lachrymose, avalable-looking office girl-in-residence of Simon Cowell:
“I love Simon but he really isn’t interested in anyone except himself. I can chat to Piers about my family but Simon’s happiest talking about work.
“I tell him about Lexi and he honestly could not be less interezzzzted…”