WHAT odds on there being a Chanelle Hayes sex tape? And what odds it being released/ found/ stolen by builders in the run up to Big Brother?

The odds would be slimmer than Victoria Beckham in a rake factory.

So here is the Chanelle Hayes sex tape, as broadcast by the Daily Star. Or not.

The video has sent the internet into “meltdown”. We shall have to make do with a few stills form it that the Star managed to grab.

And we see Chanelle having it off with – shock of shocks - Danny De Vito.

The Star, somewhat cruelly, says the other party is a puppet being used to promote a new telly show called Fur TV.

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BIG Brother is almost upon us, and with the Star’s summer news agenda.

“BIG BRO BATTLE OF THE ASBOS,” screams the paper’s foremost headline. “Sex and violence as 16 chavs go in.”

Can it be that Big Brother is now a holding baby for chavs, CCTV in colour?

Says one insider: “With so many people waiting to burst through those doors at Elstree TV Studios, it’ll be like the January sales at Next!”

BY now you are wondering what happened to Bez, the gibbering, vibrating dancer from the Happy Mondays band who won Celebrity Big Brother.

News in the Mirror is that he’s bankrupt.

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IF CHANELLE Hayes has proved on thing it is that Andy Warhol was wrong when he said: “In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.”

Ok, maybe not wrong, just not specific enough. When the future begins was not detailed, but it cannot come soon enough.

Know that, Big Brother alumnus Chanelle has been famous for almost a year.

Star readers can recognise her by her first name alone – a nominal fame that even the singer Cher (born Cherilyn) manufactured – and by the curve of her backside (again something Cher was forced to make up).

Both name and bum feature on the paper’s front page. And there’s a headline promise that Chanelle is “back in the BB house”.

In the house, Chanelle poses in her knickers and bra. Some would say there is little mystery with Chanelle, with it all hanging out. But no. There is much debate at Anorak Towers as to whether Chanelle removes her clothes to reveal her knickers and bra combo or walks about naked pulling on her undies when a camera approaches?

Answers on a chicken fillet to the usual address.

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BIG news in the world of popular music as Chanelle Hayes, Big Brother alumni, releases her debut single, a track called I Want It.

It features the line:

“I’ve got something that you’d like to know,
I’m a sexy lady,
Drive your crazy
Make your bedroom mo-ho”

No doubt that Chanelle would drive us crazy, stark raving mad, even. To test the theory Anorak has secured our resident Lithuanian coffee maker, Aras, to a pair of headphones and will force him to listen to Chanelle morning noon and night for seven days.

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JADE GOODY has been involved in a “nightclub brawl”, or a “nasty catfight”.

A spokesperson for Jade later insisted “she had NOT been asked to leave the club”. Sun readers learn that “Jade was a victim of an unprovoked attack by another girl. She tried to defend herself and was not asked to leave.”

The Sun has the scoop; its news following the front-page thoughts of Omar Bakri and musings on McCartney and Mills.

It all adds up to the Sun’s nostalgia special. Very soon the paper will be published by a rheumy-eyed robot pressing F9 on the keyboard and creating an organ from bits of editions past…

“BIG BROTHER GOES NUDE,” announces the Star’s front-page headline.

“Housemates forced to appear totally NAKED!” It’s “BARE BRUV.”

The Star goes on to talk of a “love loft” in which housemates can “get jiggy”.

Fans of the show – one and all - will recall the chicken coop, the pen in which good layers were harvested and bred.

In one series the birds contracted a disease and had to be contained.

Big Brother 9 - it’s TV bird flu…

In “CHANELLE” I need a man and it could be YOU”, Big Brother starlet Chanelle Hayes advertises herself on the Star’s front page.

To win Chanelle, readers are invited to answer not one, not two, but three questions.

Anorak put the questions to the typing pool and accounts team, and now features the top answers for each.

Can you do better? Answers go towards a GCSE in Big Brother Studies:

Q1. My perfume’s called Mwah!. If you were a perfume what would you be called and why?

A. Forgotten. One squirt of Forgotten and you struggle to remember whatshername from Big Brother. Also available in a men’s fragrance and room deodoriser.

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“BIG BROTHER SHOCK PLAN WILL SAVE SHOW – Amazing twist to make new series most outrageous EVER”

Big Brother 9 will be more outrageous and shocking than Big Brother 8, which was more shocking than Big Brother 7, and so on.

The big twist is that wannabes who wanted to be on Big Brother 7 will be afforded the chance to be on Big Brother 9.

These failed Big Brother 7 applicants were the holders of Golden Tickets, bits of foil secreted inside special packet so KitKats.

The Star is upset by this and says “there are zillions of young men and women out there you would captivate viewers”.

No understatement there. And to prove how talented the UK is there are pictures of one “Snoozie” Susie Verrico bending over in her stockings and Danielle wearing a bikini.

It is an outrage that more of the zillions are not being allowed their chance to wear a short skirt and look back cheekily over their shoulders.

Readers offended by the bending of the Big Brother rules can stomp around and say how its “unbe-f*****g-lievable”, “so unfair” and have a hissy fit.

The dozen who can affect the most sense of self-righteous outrage can then be parachuted - still ranting - in to the house and thus help make BB9 as big a hit as BB8, BB7, BB6…

“YES, it’s a mad world we live in but that’s how we live our lives,” says OK!’s woman of the moment as she shows us around her “new pastel pink St Alban’s house that she recently bought with her fiance – and her ex-therapist – Steve McKeown.”

Anorak wonders at the rights and wrongs of shacking up with one’s former therapist. In a moment of heated debate, or row, the therapist may not argue back but just take notes and so inflame the situation. He may then present you with a bill, and a week later submit a full report on your mental wellbeing.

Steve dresses in a Hawaiian shit with matching shorts, sunglasses, a straw hat and with one foot resting on a plastic (?) crab. He is in the lounge of - you might not have guessed it - Michelle Bass’s home.

The intention seems to be to affect an air of ease and fun, but Steve succeeds only in looking unhinged and on the verge of doing something untoward with the pink electric guitar (not plugged in) he is strumming.

Michelle is in a bikini, string dress and a huge plastic garland. She is holding a tambourine.

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BIG Brother Kate Lawler wants £20,000 to run the London Marathon in her underwear.

Says Lawler: “If I raise the money by April 13, I will definitely run the 26 miles in just my underwear.” As opposed to wearing what, a rhino suit?

The message is clear. If you want to see Kate running through London dressed in a vest and hot pants, hand over the cash.

And if you want to see Kate Lawler running through London in a vest and hot pants, don’t give her any money…

WHO is John Loughton. Or to put it another way, as the Star does: “WHO THE HELL’S HE?”

While the Stars headline writer does an imitation of Mohammed Al Fayed, the paper’s Big Brother expects discover - yes, you’ve guessed it - that Louhgton is the latest winner of Big Brother.

The Star takes the question to the streets, asking “Who’s The Hell’s He?” of eight everyday persons. Two think Loughton is a comic; one thinks he’s a magician; four have no idea who is; and Laura “knew who he was - eventiually”.

Says Jim Whatshisname: “The test will be if anyone says: ‘You’re John from Big Brother. If that happens, I’ll let you know.”

Although the odds on him meeting a Daily Star hack, or Laura, are slimmer than Jade Goody’s Indian fan club…

BIG Brother is on the telly. It is. Is! Is! Is!

Somone who knows someone who knows someone told us. Is!

But the contestants think everyone is watching.

As the Sun’s Ally Ross puts it: “We see Hollyoaks, they see Hollywood.”

Indeed..

“BB’S SO BAD EVEN JADE WON’T DO IT.”

BB is Big Brother and Jade is Jade Goody, aka Jade Baddie, Jade Hoodie.

Says Jade Goody on Big Brother: “Sorry, but the show is over.”

Why Jade should be sorry is not enlarged upon. She goes on: “It’s just over. I’m done with it.”

Jade seems to have been watching one of those EastEnders episodes when a Mitchell turns to his prone victim and says “It’s over when I say it’s over.”

Jade’s proclamation struggles for newspaper space in the Star with other shock news:

“Iain Duncan Smith says ‘I wouldn’t waste my time being prime minister!”

“Sarah Ferguson: Become Queen? No Way!”

“Michael Barrymore: I Would Rather Crawl Over Broken Glass Than Present The 10’clock News!”

And many more…

TO the House of Lords Communications Committee in the company of the Independent.

Rebekah Wade, the Sun’s editor, the Ginger Ninga, is giving evidence in the matter of media ownerships. Her boss is Rupert Murdoch.

Says Wade: “He can’t understand why I devote so many pages to Big Brother.”

Looking in today’s paper, we can find no mention of Big Brother, aside from a line on the satellite TV listings page.

No coincidence, surely..?

“CELEBRITY Big Brother has been “AXED”, announces the Star’s front-page news, the paper choosing to lead with a story about a show no-one knows is on.

“Plug pulled on ratings flop.”

Look out for tomorrow’s news “EXCLUSIVE”: “SAVE Big Brother”; “Big Brother Who Cares?”; and “Big Brother In Sex Roasting Shame!”

“BIG Brother signs up Jade again,” says the Sun.

But – wait a mo – this Jade is not Jade Hoody but Jade Eden.

She is one of the housemates who have, as the Mirror notes, “excelled in the world of sport, arts, music and politics”.

Two of the contestants list their talent as “circus act”. One, Liam, has a talent for “business”. Jade’s talent is that she is a “beauty queen”.

Where is the real talent, you cry?

Where is the callow youth who can find a public toilet?
Where is the young woman who can play tennis and date Cliff Richard?
Where is the musician who can play the spoons - both sorts?
Where is the writer of the UK’s first Pet soap opera?
Where is the UK’s new Dame Vera Lynn?

“CELEB BIG BRO CRISIS.”

The Daily Star’s Tabloid New Generator comes up with a story. News is that the new Big Brother series is in “meltdown”. (See Big Brother in chaos.)

This year’s show is called Celebrity Hijack. It features a dozen agonists, “who each have an exceptional talent”. As do we all.

The talent is cajoled by Big Brothers, celebrities of the caliber of Joan Rivers, Christine Hamilton and John McCririck.

The front-page “fear” is that the celebrities will be more entertaining than the contestants.

But such things are best left unplanned.

Indeed, the Star’s headline generator may care to invert the headline and fret about the celebrities being as unentertaining as the contestants…