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Kabbalah, Kabbalah, Ka-blah-blah-blah
”KABBALAH, a mystical branch of Judaism, is filling a spiritual gap for a growing number of A-list celebrities,’ reports Hello!
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| ‘Everything I believe has come from the Kabbalah’ |
And opening the door to the Kabbalah group we find Naomi Campbell, Madonna, Jerry Hall, Mick Jagger, Courtney Love, Barbra Streisand and Liz Taylor, all with pieces of red string tied around their wrists.
This, of course, is to ward off the ‘evil eye’, and the spiritual celebs swear by it.
Madonna has been into in for years, we are told, ‘and even went to the Kabbalah Centre in Los Angles to ask advice on the best day to deliver her first child’.
You’d have thought that Guy would have knocked that sort of thing out of her silly head, but here she is, sneaking off to the community hall while he’s down the Crown with his mates from the council estate.
And why not, when even well-balanced women like Roseanne Barr endorse the creed?
‘Everything I believe has come from the Kabbalah,’ says the woman who believed the final series of Roseanne to be funny.
Small wonder, then, that with Monica Lewinsky and Sandra Bernhard on board, Hello! insists that Kabbalah could turn out to be more than just another celebrity fad’.
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Laugh ‘Til He Cries
‘THERE’S no nice way of putting this, so we won’t try. Jamie Oliver spent 29 grand on a pair of David Beckham’s boots at the auction during Posh ‘n’ Becks’ World Cup party.
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| Poisoned by his own fish pie |
He bought them as a good luck charm to hang on the wall of his new restaurant, but he couldn’t resist putting them on for a kick-about with his friends.
Then disaster struck. ‘I hit the ball on a volley,’ explains James, ‘and now I have the same thing as David.’
What, a silly voice and a terrible haircut? No, stupid: a damaged metatarsal.
‘Jamie still thinks the boots are great,’ says his agent. Then again, he thinks saying ‘pukka’ is great, and calling his baby Poppy Honey is great.
As that Oscar Wilde geezer said, you’d have to have a heart of stone not to laugh.
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The Honeymoon Is Over
‘THEY haven’t even swept up the confetti, yet ‘trouble is already brewing in paradise’ for Julia Roberts and her new husband Danny Moder.
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| The Moders were sick of waiting for the happy couple to emerge from the bedroom |
‘The ink isn’t dry on the wedding license and Julia and Danny are already squabbling!’ an insider tells the Enquirer. ‘And to no one’s surprise, Danny’s family is in the middle of the new battle between the newlyweds, which began on their wedding night!’
It all started with guests complaining about the way they were treated during the nuptial celebrations at Julia’s New Mexico ranch.
‘Some Moder family members groused that they were put up in Spartan accommodations,’ says the Enquirer.
As if being segregated from their women and made to sleep in barracks wasn’t bad enough, the male Moders were forced to drill for hours on a makeshift battleground before they were allowed a piece of wedding cake.
Meanwhile, a youngster with a dose of hayfever brought on by Julia’s wedding bouquet was abandoned on a rocky hillside.
‘Julia’s been in tears more than once over the reaction of Danny’s family, who made it known they weren’t happy about the hospitality and accommodations,’ says the source. ‘And Julia was in a rage at the ingratitude.’
When she and Danny kissed and made up, the relatives were no more impressed.
‘No one seemed to have given any thought to what we would do during the days while Julia and Danny were inside the house, either asleep or holed up in their bedroom making love,’ says a family friend.
Didn’t it occur to anyone to take covert photographs of them to sell at a vast profit to the Enquirer?
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Dizzy Blonde
‘THERE will be no wedding bells for Britney Spears just yet, but the sound of ambulance sirens could soon be ringing in her ears.
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| Britney regretted having that last piece of lemon meringue pie |
The pop star’s split with boyfriend Justin Timberlake ‘has led to serious health problems that caused her to collapse after a recent concert!’
It was a case of who ate all the lemon meringue pies as ‘heartbroken Britney turned to food for comfort and wound up more depressed than ever when she packed a whopping 16 pounds’ on.
A source informs the Enquirer that, when she was dumped by her boyband beau, ‘Britney flew back to her family home in Louisiana and stuffed her face with fried chicken and Cajun rice, and to top if off she ate several slices of her favourite lemon meringue pie.
‘After a few months of gorging herself with food to ease the pain of heartbreak she put on 16 pounds.’
The swollen starlet then swung to the other extreme, embarking on a diet of raw vegetables to shed her newly acquired flab.
Inevitably, the ‘disastrous health regimen finally caught up with her’ and after one East Coast gig she ‘blacked out, slumped over in her seat motionless, looking like a rag doll’.
‘Britney’s concerts usually last two hours and she dances and prances around onstage most of the time,’ says the source.
But after the gig in question, Britney ‘complained of being dizzy and feeling light-headed’ before she passed out.
Diet aside, it’s no surprise – two hours of lip-synching can do that to a girl.
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Making A Killing
‘NOT content with focusing on the world’s most famous celebrities, this week the Enquirer takes a look at the more infamous ones as well.
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| Beverley Allitt was delighted at her new doll |
‘A Colorado sculptor is marketing a new line of dolls modelled after the most brutal serial killers in history – and he’s making a killing,’ it writes.
Understandably, the ‘outrageous toys’ have incurred the wrath of victim support groups.
‘It’s disgusting blood money,’ Andy Kahn, a spokesman for a Houston-based group, tells the magazine. ‘From a crime victim’s perspective, it’s nauseating.’
Even toymaker David Johnson, who sells the dolls online for $29.95 each, admits: ‘It’s a pretty shameful thing to do. But I’ve always wanted to make a living as a working artist, and this is the only way I’ve been able to do it.’
The dolls ‘include such monsters as coed killer Ted Bundy’ – complete with historically accurate flares – ‘homosexual cannibal murderer Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy, the ‘Killer Clown’, in his sick ‘Pogo the Clown’ costume’.
Johnson has a few more dolls in the pipeline, including Charles Manson, Lizzie Borden (axe sold separately) and, perhaps a little ambitiously given that his identity has always remained a mystery, Jack the Ripper.
Accessories such as the electric chair (batteries not included) will also be available soon.
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Household Names
‘IT’S midnight on day nine hundred and twenty-seven in OK!’s tribute to Big Brother.
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| The original Dwight dwelling |
Housemates Elton and David are sitting in Woodside, a sprawling mansion on the outskirts of Windsor. David is wearing Elton’s red hair. Elton is wearing a smile.
David has asked Elton to show him pictures of the house where he grew up in Pinner, Middlesex. Elton produces a photograph of a ‘modest’ white and red painted house. There is a burgundy saloon car in the driveway and a bus stop outside…
It’s 1.17am, and Geraldine Estelle Halliwell is watching videos of herself performing It’s Rainin’ Men in the lounge of her £3.7 million mansion in Middle Green, Berkshire.
She’s also looking at a brochure of her new house, a £3million place in the Notting Hill area of London. The house is surrounded by a seven-foot wall, a moat and twelve crocodiles…
It’s now 2am and 15 seconds: Chris Evans and his much younger wife Billie are talking about schools at their Tudor pile in leafy Surrey. Chris is showing Billie a photo of his old house in Warrington. It’s got stone claddin’ and a door made from wood. The windows are glass…
It’s now 6.22am, and David and Victoria are already up in the house. David was born in Leytonstone in 1975, and Victoria grew up in the ‘picture-perfect’ surroundings of Goffs Oak, Hertfordshire.
The couple are talkin’ in the lounge of their £3.5 million seven-bedroom Grade II listed house in Sawbridgeworth, Hertfordshire. Victoria has eaten two Twiglets, a packet of Pickled Onion Monster Munch and seven boiled eggs. David has drunk eight glasses of water…
It’s now 9.15 and seven seconds. Liz Hurley is reading Forbes magazine…(continue forever)’
PJ Drama
‘BUT Vicky and David are worried. Hot on their heels in the hunt for fame are PJ, Jade, Spencer, Alex, Kate, Tim and Jonny. The magnificent seven are thrilling the planet with their hilarious antics and cracked-whip humour.
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| PJ convinces Jade to take a dip in the hot tub |
But before we go to the house, let’s look in on one former inmate, the man we all call PJ Ellis.
Pig Jumper is seen on the OK! cover promising to give us the first, last and middle words on life in the Big Brother house. So, Pig Jumper, why did you go on the show?
‘Well, I’m from Birmingham and I wanted to see how the other half live.’ Pig Jumper, what happened between you and Jade? ‘I deny full sex,’ says he. ‘I did kiss her a lot longer than I thought I had, as I assumed it was just a peck on the lips… I let myself down.’
Pig Jumper, do you fancy Jade? ‘I was messing about with Jade. I don’t fancy her. I was drunk and we had a snog.’ And so it goes on, until readers finally arrive at Jade.
There’s Jade taking her clothes off as she loses another round of a betting game. And there’s Jade lying on the grass; Jade being hosed down by two studly men (Jonny and Pig Jumper), and fireman Jonny deftly directing a water hose down Jade’s pants.
‘Give us a break, Jade’, says OK! ‘She is such an exhibitionist!’ And look, there’s another shot of her with her top off. Pah! And another… another… another…
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Larks And Spencer
‘IT’S clear to us all that they do not make stars like they used to. And providing us with a breath of fresh air is that hero of old, Spencer Smith.
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| ‘Oi, Kate, not in front of the cameras!’ |
It’s great to sees Spencer back by popular demand, to fill in a few pages on the cheap. And OK! has a few more questions to ask.
‘Rumour has it that an ‘X-rated’ incident between you [that’s Spencer and Kate, dear reader] escaped the cameras’ glare ’ poses OK!. Spencer says that Big Brother might not see everything that goes on, and that is all he’s going to say.
But turn the page and it’s not Kate, it’s… Well, you know who’s there… It’s now day 2,407,894, and surely time to say goodnight. Roll cameras… ‘
