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Reviews | Anorak - Part 669

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We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.

Casting Her Spell

‘FROM time to time we like to see what Sophie Wessex and her husband Eddie are up to.

‘Breathe…breathe…breathe’

News is that Eddie is up to getting his wife pregnant, while Sophie is up to being pregnant.

Other than that there is much navel gazing and breathing of air, the Prince’s twin passions.

On Saturday last, Sophie undid the front door and ‘dazzled’ onlookers by turning up at the opening of a dyslexia centre in Surrey.

Staff were stunned because they believed the invitation had been sent to Jordan. But what with one letter looking so much like another, the crowd got Sophie instead.

Eddie was nowhere to be seen. So let’s not tempt fate and talk about him…

Posted: 17th, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Kitten Fight

‘BIG bosomed Hot Stars columnist Kerry Katona has a lot to get off her oversized chest this week and not even her husband can escape her acid tongue.

Bryan McFadden

First off, however, it is David Beckham and his beautiful wife Victoria who feels the sharpness of the former Atomic Kitten’s claws.

Our Kerry lambastes poor old Dave for getting Dolce & Gabbana to bring his shopping out to the car to save him going into ths shop.

‘I think he’s been married to Posh Spice for too long and he wants to get himself a real bird – a good old, down-to-earth Northerner,’ says the good old, down-to-earth Northerner.

‘His behaviour was just ridiculous.’

Next in the firing line is Caprice, who is ‘quite boring’ and will be ‘crap at acting’.

And finally it is the turn of Calum Best, who ‘will turn up to the opening of an envelope’, is ‘arrogant’ and not all that good-looking, to get a mauling.

Calum has apparently been complaining that he can’t find a proper girlfriend because they all think he’s a tart – which he is.

‘I don’t think there’s a man in the world who has all those women hanging around him who doesn’t take them home and give them one!’

Certainly not Kerry’s husband, Bryan McPadding – and it looks as if Kerry still hasn’t forgiven him for sleeping with a lapdancer on his stag night.

McPudding may look to most of the world like Anna Nicole Smith with a thyroid problem, but Kerry thinks he looks like her.

Man breasts he may have, but please…

Posted: 14th, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


The English Armada

‘WHEN the Spanish Armada set sail for England in 1588, little could they have realised the terrible revenge England would wreak four centuries later.

‘Are you the ugly one who used to be in EastEnders?’

An armada of our own left these shores a couple of weeks ago, destination ‘the upmarket, cosmopolitan resort where the Spanish royal family keep their yacht’, Puerto Banus.

The cargo? Former soap stars like Dean Gaffney and Chris Bisson; Jordan, the world’s largest importer of silicone; and hosts Tony Truman and girlfriend Charlie Brooks.

‘Naturally such a host of celebrities attracted attention,’ OK! observes, ‘and Dean Gaffney was even asked to present an award for a local radio station’s Beach Babe Of the Week.’

An upmarket and cosmopolitan Beach Babe Of the Week competition, we assume.

But they were only the latest of a long line of British celebrities to head for the resort.

‘In the past few weeks, TV presenter Jeff Brazier has been spotted out and about in what has been dubbed Spain’s St Tropez,’ OK! assures us, ‘as have Rachel Stevens and Jeremy Edwards and the girls from Liberty X, as well as Nell McAndrew with her fiance Paul Hardcastle.

‘Tracy Shaw is looking to buy a property in the area, where boxer Prince Naseem Hamed already has a house, as have Kevin Kennedy and Beverley Callard – best known for their roles in Coronation Street.’

Oh, King Philip II – had you known then what you know now…

Posted: 14th, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


The Glamour, The Glamour

‘WHY anyone would pass up the chance to spend their holidays in Puerto Banus is beyond us, but Wimbledon footballer Mark Williams and topless model Leilani opted for Cyprus instead.

‘What shall we watch tonight, Mark?’

Or rather OK! opted to send them to the glamorous Paphos Amathus Beach Hotel as part of a promotion it is doing with Argo Holidays.

And what’s good enough for Mark and Leilani is good enough for OK! readers, as long as they can scrape together at least £835 per person and book before July 23.

All Mark and Leilani had to do was tell OK’ ‘what life’s like for a couple under the spotlight…’

Fame doesn’t come much bigger than for a Nationwide footballer and Page 3 girl – and it has been great for the couple to get away and relax without the risk of being mobbed.

Back home, life is of course very different and they can hardly set foot outside their house without being, er, very occasionally recognised.

So what do they do for fun together, OK! wonders.

‘We go down to Wimbledon Village a lot and just amble round, going for coffees and stuff,’ says Leilani.

‘We go to the cinema loads. Halfway through the month we always realise that we’ve watched all the films that are out and there’s nothing left to see, so we’ll get loads of DVDs and go back to the flat to watch them.

‘And we can watch MTV for hours.’

Oh the glamour of the celebrity lifestyle…’

Posted: 14th, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Age Before Beauty

‘IT is funny how the older, less lithe of the two parties in a celebrity age-gap romance is so often the more famous of the two. Why is that?

An imperfect match

There’s Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones, Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart and Demi Moore and her ‘toy boy’ lover Ashton Kutcher.

And isn’t it also odd that the younger lover is always in showbusiness?

One day we’ll get to the bottom of why this is so, but for now let’s look at the National Enquirer and see how Ashton and Demi are getting along.

While she is having ‘major doubts’ about their relationship, he is, apparently, keen to marry the star and have a baby. Wonder why?

In any case, it’s hard to see Demi sacrificing her expensively constructed frame for motherhood. Sources say that Demi is already worried that Ashton is spotting signs of ageing when the two are in bed.

In any case, she has three children already – Rumer, 14, Scout, 12, and Tallulah, 9 – by former husband Bruce Willis.

Which gets us thinking that when 25-year-old Ashton is 27, Rumer will of legal age and able to date her mother’s by-then-former beau in the guise of an up-and-coming actress.

And so it will go on and on, until, one day, cryogenics becomes viable and the showbiz merry-go-round can begin all over again…

Posted: 11th, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Frankie Says Grow Up

‘THE pay-off for being a 17-year-old who looks about 12 is that you can remember scripts better than actual pre-teens and thus beat them to the best TV jobs.

‘I’d like to thank my paediatrician, Mrs Holby in third grade, the bogey man for not getting me…’

It works for Malcolm In The Middle star Frankie Muniz, who reportedly earns $2.3m per season for the TV show.

And now he’s about to earn a further $5m starring in Agent Cody Banks 2.

‘I remember thinking to myself, when I get my first million, that should be enough – I’m done,’ says Frankie.

‘Now I’m waiting for my first £100 million and when that happens I’ll see how I feel.’

Probably about as excited and confused as any other 40-year-old who discovers hair growing on his face for the first time.

Posted: 11th, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Family Bondage

‘LET’S just hope that Frankie is wise enough to seek the advice from other teen stars, like Dana Plato (Diff’rent Strokes’ Kimberly Drummond), Melissa Sue Anderson (Mary Ingalls in Little House on the Prairie) and ‘squeaky-clean Family Ties cutie’ Tina Yothers.

Once upon a time not even butter would melt in Tina’s mouth

In a news story that is truly hard to swallow, the former star of the 1980s hit TV show is to play porn queen Lind Lovelace in a new stage show.

The show, Lovelace: The Musical, is the brainchild of writer Jeffrey Bowman. And he thinks that Tina’s tonsils are up to the job of playing the Deep Throat star.

‘Tina can really sing, as well as act,’ he says. ‘I’m lucky to have her in the show.’

Tina is equally gushing. ‘There’s a definite shock value in this,’ says Tina to the Enquirer. ‘But I am an adult now…I’m not little Jennifer Keaton!’

And she’s also the best method actor in the business…

Posted: 11th, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


The White Ties That Bind

‘WE just got an invitation through the mail. So we’re puttin’ on our top hat, tyin’ up our white ties, brushin’ off our tails.

‘Isn’t it funny…’

Oh, Elton John’s white tie and tiara ball will be such a hoot. There’ll be music, Ritz crackers with those delightful black fish egg paste on top and everyone will be there.

You don’t believe us? Well, take a look at OK!, which spots the myriad of faces – some famous; some soon to be – that went up to Elton and David Furnish’s house for some dancin’ in their tails.

Rather than give you a list of who was there, we ask you to take out your Anorak celebrity phone book and just tick off who was not.

No sign of Dale Winton. Cilla Black, Nell McAndrew, Jessie Wallace, One True Voice, Claire Sweeney, Anthea Turner and Vanessa Feltz were all not there.

No, that’s not Cilla, that ginger vision is Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess with the muchness.

Everyone else was there, including Naomi Campbell’s mum Valerie, Coronation Street’s Helen Worth, Stephen Gately and friend Andrew Cowles, Nick Faldo and Lulu.

For added glitter to go with all that stardust, the Beckhams parachuted in from 30,000 feet to say they were there.

But something went awry in the translation into Day-vid’s now native Spanish, and he turned up in a silver suit while she wore a full-length corset designed for someone more full length than she is.

But since you were all there, we won’t, as OK! does, bore you with the details.

Posted: 9th, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Say It Again, Samms

‘WHAT do you get if you cross Anne Diamond with a liposuction needle? Why, Emma Samms.

The aliens should have kept her

Emma divides her time between Los Angeles and London, travelling between the two in her narrow boat, the one she keeps moored in the West Country.

Many of you will not have realised that Emma, the former star of Dynasty, has been playing a dying patient obsessed with Art Malik in the BBC’s Holby City series.

Those who live outside nursing homes and actual hospital wards will not watch Holby City, so Emma resorts to type and talks about what it was like snogging Jeff Colby.

She says that John James, who played drippy Jeff, was ‘gorgeous’ and then regales us with the story that their first day of filming together called for them to spend the day in bed making out.

The two people in the world that have not already heard that story can pass onto the nest Samms’ anecdote, the one about Joan Collins, who looked ‘unbelievably gorgeous’ without make-up.

The only new thing in Emma’s life of any note is the £165 top by See, which one supposes is a design house. This she shows off in the rear of her narrow boat.

It rivals her other sensational news: ‘I love being a mum.’ At which point OK! dives into the water and swims like mad…

Posted: 9th, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


The Bottle Of Becks

‘WITH David and Victoria out of town, the country has to make do with the woman who wants to be Becks: Tamara Beckwith.

Insert soldiers

This week, the painted boiled egg was in Home House to talk up a range of fashion that no-one has heard of and fewer people wear.

Becks invites her friends along, and finds herself in deep and meaningful conversation with Normandie Keith, a woman who sounds very much like the man who used to smuggle fags on the Calais-Dover run.

No words were exchanged between the pair, and all we know is that Normandie wore a pair of ‘pants and looked fabulous’.

To put this event in its truest context, the boiled egg tells us that ‘Meg Matthews arrived’.

Since Ms Matthews seems to arrive at most things, it is somewhat to the event’s detriment that the boiled egg calls her appearance ‘an added bonus’.

Becks than air-kissed the entire design team and said her goodbyes.

Posted: 9th, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Lance A Little?

‘IMAGINE Magnus Magnusson winning Mastermind by answering all the questions before the contestant in the famous chair had had a chance to open his or her mouth.

Imagine Cilla Black taking a shine to Blind Date contestant No.3 – ‘our Brian from Solihull’ – and deciding to accompany him on a weekend in Copenhagen.

Or imagine Chris Tarrant writing himself a cheque for a million pounds after answering the 15 questions on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

It’s not easy to envisage any of the above scenarios – but then none of the people mentioned is Ulrika Jonsson.

Only the Swedish former weather presenter could have hosted a dating show called Mr Right and managed to beat off the 15 young suitors to claim the man as her own.

And this week she finds herself on the front cover of Hello! with the man in question – former Duke Of York’s equerry and all-round stuffed shirt Lance Gerrard-Wright.

The two are getting married next month at Ulrika’s £1m Swedish hideaway on the tiny island of Varmdo, near Stockholm.

‘His first marriage and her second will be a small, family affair at a quiet seafront location,’ says Hello! (which has clearly already scoped out the area for the best vantage point).

It will also be ‘away from the paparazzi and in keeping with Ulrika’s new low-key image after a turbulent relationship history’.

This would be the low-key image that saw her release an autobiography in which not only did she reveal her affair with the England football coach but also accused a well-known TV presenter of raping her.

But what of Lance? The ex-Army major managed to get turned down by not one but two girls on the TV show, but the great thing about Ulrika is that she can speak several different languages but doesn’t know the word for ‘no’ in any of them.

She describes their courtship as ‘a bit like when you slow-cook a chicken, nice and tender, rather than frying it quickly and spitting it out because it is tough and awful’.

Which of the many fried meals Ulrika has had she is referring to we don’t know, but Hello! certainly knows of the Swede’s partiality to poultry.

‘In retrospect,’ it says, ‘it was perhaps inevitable that the good-looking charmer with old-fashioned manners and Action Man reputation and the gregarious blonde with the hard-earned wisdom should be drawn to each other.’

‘Gregarious’ may be a kind euphemism for a woman who has spent longer staring at ceilings than Michaelangelo, but what of her fiance’s ‘Action Man reputation’?

Could it be that the only lance this major possesses is under First Name in his passport?

Posted: 9th, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Laws Of Nature

‘THE presence of Tara Palmer-Tomkinson guarantees a party, in much the same way as a party guarantees the presence of Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.

Tara comes over all shy

It is one of those immutable laws of showbusiness – as fixed and as constant as the laws that govern the universe.

Tara could no more miss a party than the sun could start to revolve around the moon or Anthea Turner could keep her hands off another woman’s husband.

So it is with no surprise that we bump into TP-T in the pages of Hello! both at the Charlie’s Angels premiere and at Sir David Frost’s annual summer party.

Such is Tara’s status as a social butterfly that she can flutter between the two events – but which invitation do you accept if you are invited to both?

Well, the premiere boasted such luminaries of stage and screen as Lady Victoria Hervey, Nell McAndrew and Melinda Messenger, not to mention the ubiquitous Kidd sisters.

Frost’s party, on the other hand, could call on The Two Ronnies, Bruce Forsyth, Chris Tarrant and William Hague. Oh, and Barry Norman was there with daughter Samantha.

It’s your call…

Posted: 9th, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

‘IS it just us or does Rod Stewart’s estranged wife Rachel Hunter look like she was created by a computer programme with a slight bug in the software?

Rachel has made a Rod for her own back

The ‘curvaceous’ 34-year-old New Zealander somehow manages to look even more fake than the CGI surfing sequence in the most recent Bond film.

But as she models sensual lingerie and spray-on swimwear for Hello! this week, all talk is not about her looks but about her private life.

The magazine recalls how she filed for divorce from Rod last month only to withdraw her petition three days later.

‘Prenuptial jitters are about as traditional as the wedding cake, but getting cold feet on the way to the divorce court is bound to raise a few eyebrows,’ says Hello!

Hello! says that until Rachel speaks out about her change of heart, rumours about her motives will remain just that.

Meanwhile, Rachel is ‘getting on with juggling being a busy mum and developing her modelling and acting work.’

And a computer engineer by the name of Stuart is working late into the night trying to identify where he went wrong…

Posted: 9th, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Hands Off Cameron!

‘DREW Barrymore isn’t the only one who has her eyes on Cameron Diaz. So does Justin Timberlake’s mum.

Cameron checks her boobs are still there

The singer recently took his new girlfriend home to meet his mother, Lynn, and the Enquirer says the two hit it off immediately.

‘Cameron charmed everybody – especially Lynn – and that sealed the deal,’ a source close to the couple tells the Enquirer.

‘Cameron went right to the top of the list of women that Justin’s mom thinks would be a perfect match for her son.’

That is one explanation. Another is that Mrs Timberlake also has designs on Cameron’s body parts.

The Enquirer spotted the two at Justin’s show at LA’s Staples Center.

‘Cameron sat right next to Lynn the entire time,’ says the Enquirer. ‘They laughed and hugged. Lynn even held Cammie’s hand.’

Or was it Lucy’s hand? Or maybe even Drew’s hand..?

Posted: 7th, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Demi’s God

‘ONLY a fortnight ago, we related how Demi Moore was thinking of going under the knife again – to have eyes fitted in the back of her head.

Surgeons worried that Demi’s hair was a bit heavy

Apparently, that was the only way she could keep tabs on toyboy Ashton Kutcher’s constant philandering.

But now the Enquirer tells us that the two have only got eyes for each other – and 25-year-old Ashton has even asked 40-year-old Demi to marry him.

‘Demi said she didn’t want to respond with just what her heart is telling her, she wants to think all this through,’ an insider tells the Enquirer.

But another source tells the magazine that Demi does want Ashton all to herself.

‘She is very much in love with Ashton and wants to marry him eventually,’ the (‘very reliable’) source says.

And it is a view confirmed by Britney Spears elsewhere in the magazine, after she recently bumped into the couple in the Bahamas.

‘She’s stunningly beautiful and looks my age,’ says the 21-year-old singer.

And not surprisingly given that most of Demi’s body parts are so new they are still under warranty.

Posted: 7th, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Body Swapping

‘DEMI Moore’s penchant for cosmetic surgery seems to have rubbed off on her co-stars in the Charlie’s Angels sequel.

Drew was glad to have had her spare tyre removed

Apparently, Drew Barrymore has gone ga-ga over the bodies of the other two Angels – Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu.

She told the magazine that she loves ‘Lucy’s tushie and Cameron’s boobs, adding, ‘not that I don’t love Cameron’s butt and Lucy’s boobs’.

And it is reciprocated by the others, with Cameron gushing: ‘Lucy has great boobs. They’re so firm. And I wish I had Drew’s flesh. It’s so even and firm and voluptuous.’

All of which could start a new craze in Hollywood – cosmetic transplants.

Drew and Cameron will clearly have to fight over Lucy’s boobs, Drew’s skin will be grafted onto Cameron’s body, with Drew getting Cameron’s bum in return.

And Lucy, who couldn’t decide what part of her co-stars she liked most (‘I’m not that specific’), can get her hands (or the hands of one of her co-stars) on any left-overs.

Posted: 7th, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Crimes Of Passion

”IF it now falls to me to start a fight, to cut out the cancer of bent and twisted journalism in our country with the simple sword of truth and the trusty shield of traditional British fair play, so be it,’ said Jonathan Aitken, who now speaks with Hello!, the magazine that gives it to your straight.

A great swordsman

Joining Jonathan in his ongoing crusade to rid British life of fraud, deceit and downright lying is his new wife, the lovely Elizabeth Harris.

The magazine tells us the facts, including the truth that Elizabeth has been married before, to the late actor Richard Harris, whom she divorced before he departed stage right for good.

She was not married to Harris on the day of her wedding to Aitken, as that would be a crime.

What would it be? Yes, Mr Aitken, it would indeed be bigamy, and that is one of the many wrongs that Jonathan will not stand for.

It is, of course, not to be confused with adultery which, although a crime against God, is so much a part of traditional fair play that Jonathan was impelled to indulge in it when married to Lolicia.

He even sired a child by his mistress, Soraya Khashoggi.

The child is called Petrina, keeping another tradition going, this time the one that dictates that all women in Jonathan’s life have appalling names.

Although neither Soraya nor Petrina were at the do, despite both being invited, Lolicia was there.

‘Jonathan was a big part of my life,’ says she. ‘I loved him and I really want him to be happy. Elizabeth is looking after him beautifully – much better than me. I was a wildcat.’

As opposed to Jonathan, who is something of a stray dog.

Posted: 2nd, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Speed Freak

‘GIVEN the average toff’s liking for drugs and booze, an article about the Earl Of March And Kinrara and his love of the ‘Festival of Speed’ causes an eyebrow to pop up.

Charlie’s hooked on speed

But it nothing so brazen, and the Earl is just a fan of the cars and other vehicles that hare around his track at Goodwood House and its 11,000-acre estate.

Fittingly enough, the Earl, known as Charles March hereon in, is seen seated in a car. But he’s soon out, wearing a suit and standing beneath a tree.

A swift walk into the wardrobe and the Earl is now seated on a gold-painted chair in the middle of large, bare room.

He gets about does our Earl. He’s a real speed freak. And like all speed freaks, he got plenty to say for himself.

He talks at length about his passion for cars, how he has helped restore the house to its former glory and how it is a heavy burden to be custodian to your ancestors’ heritage.

And before you know it he’s gone. Speed does that to a person…

Posted: 2nd, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Children In Crisis

‘OH happy day! How we’ve waited and waited and now after too long a gap Tania Bryer is back to tell us about her fantastic life.

The epitome of good grooming

This week’s event tops the lot, as the woman whose bray makes a horse blush shared a few words with Sarah Ferguson at the launch of Sarah’s latest book, Moments.

The book of photographs taken by the Duchess was to be the fulcrum of the chatter, but the show was shamelessly stolen by Tania, who indulged in a severe case of handbags with the hostess.

Sarah’s bag has a picture of her daughters emblazoned on the front, in the manner of one of those ‘WANTED: Dead Or Alive’ T-shirts you get at fun fairs.

Tania’s bag has a picture of her daughter.

And the really uncanny thing is that Sarah’s book is being sold in aid of a charity called – get this – Children in Crisis.

Might as well pop the cash in Tania’s bag and be done with it…

Posted: 2nd, July 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Moore In The Raw

‘DO you know why Demi Moore is ”looking better than ever”? Doctors Nip ‘n’ Tuck have had a hand and a few stitches in the anti-ageing process.

”Did Bruce make you feel this alive, Demi?”

But the real reason is that she is one of the many to have taken up the ”hottest new diet”.

This diet is so hot that it has led to Demi losing 15lbs and given her all the energy she needs to survive the rigours of lipo, rhino and, for those troublesome imperfections, brillo.

And the key word is ”raw”. ”Raw food in Demi’s secret to staying young forever,” says an unnamed source.

To help us see this truth, the Enquirer raids Demi’s attic and produces a picture of a woman with generous hips and ”cottage cheese” thighs.

The difference is marked. It’s chalk and cottage cheese.

But thanks to ”raw-food guru” Juliano Brotman we can now all eat and live like Demi.

”Elephants and gorillas never eat protein in their lives. They just eat leaves and water,” says Brotman. In his unpolluted, protein free mind, this news should make us ”stop obsessing about protein”.

So if you want to look like an elephant or a gorilla you can. And if want to look like Demi, you can lose the trunk and excess hair at a decent cosmetic surgery.

Posted: 30th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Turning The Other Cheek

‘IF you really want to be famous, you should apply now while stocks last for the new Anorak Eazy Ass. This simple padded backside slips into the gusset of even the skimpiest thong to give you the J-Lo cleavage you’ve always craved.

Putting the ass in class

The original J-Lo Back’N’Pack is modelled by the diva in this week’s Enquirer.

But Ben Affleck, Jenn’s husband to be Mark III, is sick of people obsessing over the backside of his fiancée. He wants J-Lo to tidy up her image and show the real her.

So her manager Benny Medina has been sacked. He was, apparently, responsible for creating an image of the singer that was way off base.

Ben wants us to know that ”in the physical sense, she is extremely chaste”. He reminds us that Jenn has only ever had five boyfriends.

So Ben is setting about changing Jenn’s image. Following Medina out the door and down the rose-petal strewn driveway are Jenn’s publicist Alan Nierob and her agent Patrick Whitesell.

And the amazing thing is that Jen has agreed to Ben’s demands. ”She’s telling friends she’ll do whatever it takes to get him to the altar,” says a source.

She’s putting her past behind her. And thank to Anorak technology, so can you…

Posted: 30th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


New Faces

‘ONE man who is finding it hard to change his image, if not his face, is Michael Jackson.

Do you know this man who was out with Michael Jackson?

The Enquirer says that Jacko has got so few friends to play with that he recently paid his driver to go out with him in Las Vegas.

”First Michael called Celine Dion, then Siegfried and Roy and then Gladys Knight, but they were all busy,” says a source. ”So as a last resort, he asked for the driver who’d been taking him around town.”

He date went ahead, with Jacko and his new best pal sharing a $400 meal at the Four Seasons Hotel. The unnamed companion was then being given $500 for his time.

If you want to go out with Jackson, send us a letter explaining why and your price. This offer is only open to those over the age of 18.

Posted: 30th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Bobby Dazzler

‘ONE imagines the competition around the world for the first interview with Jade Goody after the birth of her son Bobby was intense.

”Me a pig? Pull the udder one”

Goody, after all, is a huge star in the Far East, where her wit and wisdom are admired by teenagers and parents alike; she’s a massive hit across Europe; and is even bigger in Africa than Nelson Mandela and Cameron Stout combined.

But OK! fought off rival bids to secure the world exclusive rights to an interview with the former Big Brother contestant and boyfriend Jeff Brazier and photos of them with ”adorable” baby, Bobby Jack Brazier.

We learn that Jade and Jeff didn’t know what sex Bobby was before he came out.

”We didn’t even look to see what sex he was,” Jade admits. ”We were just like ‘It’s a baby!”’

What exactly they were expecting we dread to think, but it wasn’t a piglet.

Both admit to being hurt by a tabloid picture of a pig, purporting to be a spitting image of the baby, as they were by comments about the baby’s initials, BJ.

”Kate Lawler said something on RI:SE,” says Jeff (although that is the televisual equivalent of the proverbial tree falling in a forest when no-one is around to hear it).

”When someone attacks your baby you become the most protective person in the world. I suppose when she has a baby, she will understand.”

Indeed – and we’re sure that OK! will once again win the battle to secure the worldwide exclusive pictures of the little tacker.

But back to Jade and we learn that Bobby is not only the name of her son, but is also her dream.

”I’d love to be on The Bill just to wear a uniform,” she says (when asked to describe her ideal job).

In other words, Jade’s greatest ambition in life is to become a pig. We wish her every success…

Posted: 30th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


On The Side Of The Angels

‘WOMEN of the world, rip off your aprons, go and buy a push-up bra and organise yourself into crime-fighting trios – Charlie’s Angels is the feminist vision of the future.

”When shall we three meet again?”

So says one third of the big screen’s sexiest crime-busting team – Cameron Diaz.

”The Angels are out there going ‘By the way, this is who you should be and this is where women are going to end up,” Cameron tells OK!

”I think we’re holding up a mirror to women and saying this is who you are, this is what you’re capable of and this is what you’re doing at the present time.”

Of course, when most people look in the mirror, they don’t see the face of Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore or Lucy Liu looking back at them.

And when they try a high-kick, they spend the next six months in hospital trying to repair a shattered hip and torn groin.

Added to which, there is the small matter of the Angels’ boss being a man, but Cameron still sees her character as a good role model for young girls.

”I feel really good about the sort of image we’re putting out there,” she says, ”and I feel confident that we’re giving them something that is completely reasonable and achievable.”

So what are you waiting for, lay-deez? There are crimes to be solved, baddies to be beaten up, bikinis to be worn…

Posted: 30th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment


Pop, The Weasel

‘WE are sad to see that Anorak’s favourite columnist Joanna Taylor is now on permanent holiday and her place in Hot Stars has been filled (and then some) by Kerry Katona.

Kerry and pair of tits

Kerry certainly has the front for the job, but whether she will be able to rival Joanna’s forthright views, not to mention her wit and charm, we will have to wait and see.

But the former Atomic Kitten makes a great start this week with her views on Brookside (”I find it really boring”), Harry Potter (”I don’t buy the books, I just go to watch the film with Bryan”) and Lee Ryan (”He just looks a little silly”).

She also gets to tell us how excited husband Bryan McPudding is to have been named Celebrity Dad Of The Year, ”especially because he beat David Beckham, Tony Blair and Jamie Oliver”.

”He’s just so much fun with the kids, so playful, and both Molly and Lilly Sue are Daddy’s girls,” explains Kerry (who reminds us that she was Celebrity Mum Of The Year in 2002).

And so is Amy Barker, the lapdancer whom Bryan slept with while Kerry was at home nursing baby Molly…

Posted: 30th, June 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment