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Reviews | Anorak - Part 675

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We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.

Tarted Up

‘THE only good thing about Kate Lawler being in the Big Brother house was that she couldn’t talk to OK! magazine. But now the ”blonde, beautiful, confident, funny” Kate is on the outside once more, and she’s giving an interview to OK! because it’s her ”favourite magazine in the world”.

New pictures show Kate wooing the female vote

So, Kate, how does it feel to be the first female winner of Big Brother? ”I feel totally freaked out!” she squeals. ”It’s absolutely unreal.” And why did you apply for Big Brother in the first place? As it transpires, it wasn’t for the chance to be violently ill in front of a TV audience of millions. Nor was it the opportunity to break the record for the number of times the phrase ”Oh my God” can be uttered in a 15-minute period. ”It was almost as if the whole of Britain felt they had to audition,” claims Her Blondeness.

And indeed, all of Britain did audition, except for the 59.85 million people who didn’t. Kate was warned by the psychotherapist that appearing on Big Brother could ruin her life, and that the show ”was like a pantomime and we’d all be cast as characters”.

Kate was assured by her BB chaperone: ”You’ll probably be cast as the pretty girl.” ”I thought that was sweet,” says Kate, ”but I wondered if she meant I’d be the house tart.” And so it came to pass. ”I flirted with Spencer because I fancied him,” she reveals. ”I flirted with Alex because I thought he was fit, but I didn’t fancy him. I never flirted with Jonny, I didn’t fancy him.”

But it didn’t stop her snogging him for the votes.

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Named And Shamed

‘IN another hymn to blondeness, OK! also interviews Kerry Katona this week. It wasn’t so long ago that Kerry was telling the magazine’s readers all about the heartbreak she suffered when a lapdancer told the tabloids about her stag-night fling with Bryan Westlife, aka Mr Kerry Katona. But the pair have obviously kissed and made up, as Kerry is now expecting their second child.

Where little Corby was created

”Is it true both babies were conceived in the same hotel?” asks OK!. ”Yes, both times it’s been at the Conrad International London, in Chelsea,” grins Kerry. Will Kerry and Bryan do a Posh and Becks and name their child after the place of conception – Conrad if it’s a boy, and Chelsea if it’s a girl?

They may be pretty awful names, but they’re nothing compared with the monikers Geri Halliwell had as a youngster. As OK! notes, the artist formerly known as Ginger turned 30 last week, ”yet she’s already packed enough into her life to satisfy a 70 year old”. Not wanting to think about how Geri might satisfy a 70-year-old, we move on to read that ”most people’s reaction to Geri turning 30” – apart from supreme indifference, of course – ”will be one of suspicion”.

”The singer’s age has long been a topic of debate, earning her the nickname Old Spice,” OK! writes. But members of her own family had much worse nicknames for her than that. Poor Geri was ”branded Caquitas (little poo) and La enana (dwarf) as a child by her Spanish aunts”.

But now that Geri is all grown up, we’re pleased to report that the adjective ”little” no longer applies.

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


The Golden RULERs

‘OK! itself has come up with a clever nickname for ”the most desirable men on the planet”. ”They’re roguish, unattached, loaded, eligible romeos – or ‘R.U.L.E.Rs” and they are ”the charismatic cads who are impossible to tame”.

The new RULERS pick their queens

Their numbers include Hugh Grant, George Clooney and Tim Jeffries, men whose ”magnetic charm” means ”they are never short of a beautiful woman to take to the season’s hottest party or premiere, and the women they are linked to are as plentiful as the invites that land on their gold-trimmed doormats”.

But somehow onto this list of ”serial ladykillers” have crept the likes of Mick Hucknall, Gary Lucy and Michael Greco. ”They are the men all fathers fear,” claims OK!. And the men that all women laugh at.

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Going The Gay Way

‘BRITNEY Spears might have an image so clean that it squeaks, but this week the Enquirer smears that image with whipped cream and encourages it to jelly-wrestle with one of America’s top porn stars.

More than a girl…

”Britney Spears has a passion for porn – especially lesbian love!” it announces, adding that pop’s most famous virgin has befriended a top X-rated actress. ”Britney isn’t the goody-two-shoes everybody thinks she is,” says a source. ”She loves to watch porn and has her own personal collection of hot sex videos.” A pal adds: ”She and her friends watch it together and she is absolutely fascinated.”

Insiders say that Britney has become close to porn star Jenna Jameson – but not close enough for some people. ”There’s a definite attraction between them,” says Jenna’s fiancé, Jay Sterling, optimistically. Could it be that, having had her heart broken by a callous male, Britney is considering swapping sides? The Enquirer notes that after her break-up with Justin Timberlake, Britney attended a party thrown by porn producers, where such cinematic offerings as Where The Boys Aren’t, She Town and Blonde On Blonde were screened.

Psychotherapist and sex expert Dr Judy Kuriansky tells the Enquirer: ”I think it would be perfectly natural for her to be curious about lesbian sexual adventures because she’s a very sensual young woman who attracts both male and female fans.” And Jay says that if Britney’s music career flops, she could certainly make it in the porn industry. ”Sterling says his bride-to-be would love to perform in a movie and even has a name for the project – Britney Loves Jenna.”

Stand by for news of the release – and the sound of box-office records shattering.

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Pretty Nasty Woman

‘IF Julia Roberts had such warm feelings for her new husband’s ex-wife as Britney has for Jenna, Danny Moder would probably think he was the luckiest man on earth. But, as the Enquirer reveals, the Pretty Woman is still doing her best to hurt poor Vera, judging that stealing her husband and marrying him in a very public ceremony didn’t quite plunge the knife in deep enough.

”Watch out, honey. Your husband’s next”

”Julia Roberts has been caught in a bizarre wedding lie,” says the Enquirer. She ”fibbed with a completely straight face” and told reporters she and Danny would spend their honeymoon in London, Paris and Greece, when the truth is that they never left the States. The newlyweds were too busy to have a proper honeymoon; Julia had press junkets to attend for her latest film, while cameraman Danny had to shoot a new Burger King commercial.

But ”sources say Julia’s lie was meant to make Danny’s ex-wife Vera jealous!” ”Julia completely made up all the stories about going to Europe with Danny on their honeymoon,” reveals a ”Moder family insider”. ”Julia knew Vera would be watching, that she wouldn’t want to miss all the coverage. So Julia wanted to make her envious by telling the world about all the wonderful places they went together. Julia wanted to make her and Danny’s life seem as blissful as possible – as the ultimate revenge against Vera for dragging out the divorce proceedings with Danny.”

But Vera need not have been jealous. Paris is full of French people, Greece is swarming with inebriated British teenagers and, as for London, who’d be mad enough to want to go there in the summer?

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

‘THE news on Jenna Jameson and Britney Spears has no doubt cheered men up considerably, but the Enquirer’s report on Pamela Anderson could bring them back down to earth again. ”Baywatch babe could go bald and may lose her bodacious boobs,” is the magazine’s headline, illustrated with a picture of how Pammy might look without her trademark bleached locks.

”My hair’s blowing off”

”Infected with liver-destroying hepatitis C and terrified of dying, Pamela Anderson is set to undergo debilitating drug treatment that will cause her to lose her hair,” it writes. ”The blonde bombshell is so fearful for her health, says a friend, she’s thinking about having her breast implants removed.” ”Pam wants to make a completely new, fresh start,” explains the pal. ”She’s so scared, she wants to remove anything artificial from her body.”

Which means that the next time we see an article on Ms Anderson in the Enquirer, it won’t be accompanied by any pictures at all. ‘

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Named And Shamed

‘IN another hymn to blondeness, OK! also interviews Kerry Katona this week. It wasn’t so long ago that Kerry was telling the magazine’s readers all about the heartbreak she suffered when a lapdancer told the tabloids about her stag-night fling with Bryan Westlife, aka Mr Kerry Katona.

Where little Corby was created

But the pair have obviously kissed and made up, as Kerry is now expecting their second child.

”Is it true both babies were conceived in the same hotel?” asks OK!. ”Yes, both times it’s been at the Conrad International London, in Chelsea,” grins Kerry. Will Kerry and Bryan do a Posh and Becks and name their child after the place of conception – Conrad if it’s a boy, and Chelsea if it’s a girl?

They may be pretty awful names, but they’re nothing compared with the monikers Geri Halliwell had as a youngster. As OK! notes, the artist formerly known as Ginger turned 30 last week, ”yet she’s already packed enough into her life to satisfy a 70 year old”.

Not wanting to think about how Geri might satisfy a 70-year-old, we move on to read that ”most people’s reaction to Geri turning 30” – apart from supreme indifference, of course – ”will be one of suspicion”. ”The singer’s age has long been a topic of debate, earning her the nickname Old Spice,” OK! writes.

But members of her own family had much worse nicknames for her than that. Poor Geri was ”branded Caquitas (little poo) and La enana (dwarf) as a child by her Spanish aunts”. But now that Geri is all grown up, we’re pleased to report that the adjective ”little” no longer applies.

Posted: 12th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Pretty Nasty Woman

‘IF Julia Roberts had such warm feelings for her new husband’s ex-wife as Britney has for Jenna, Danny Moder would probably think he was the luckiest man on earth.

”Watch out, honey. Your husband’s next”

But, as the Enquirer reveals, the Pretty Woman is still doing her best to hurt poor Vera, judging that stealing her husband and marrying him in a very public ceremony didn’t quite plunge the knife in deep enough.

”Julia Roberts has been caught in a bizarre wedding lie,” says the Enquirer.

She ”fibbed with a completely straight face” and told reporters she and Danny would spend their honeymoon in London, Paris and Greece, when the truth is that they never left the States.

The newlyweds were too busy to have a proper honeymoon; Julia had press junkets to attend for her latest film, while cameraman Danny had to shoot a new Burger King commercial.

But ”sources say Julia’s lie was meant to make Danny’s ex-wife Vera jealous!”

”Julia completely made up all the stories about going to Europe with Danny on their honeymoon,” reveals a ”Moder family insider”.

”Julia knew Vera would be watching, that she wouldn’t want to miss all the coverage. So Julia wanted to make her envious by telling the world about all the wonderful places they went together.

”Julia wanted to make her and Danny’s life seem as blissful as possible – as the ultimate revenge against Vera for dragging out the divorce proceedings with Danny.”

But Vera need not have been jealous. Paris is full of French people, Greece is swarming with inebriated British teenagers and, as for London, who’d be mad enough to want to go there in the summer?

Posted: 8th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Spending A Penny

‘THE show may be finished, but the tills are just starting to ring for the Big Brother housemates. This week’s OK! cover star is moaning model Alex Sibley.

They thought the shower was bad – the bath was even worse

”Though he lost to Jonny and Kate, no one can call Alex a loser,” writes OK! Would a loser ever appear in a magazine like this?

Alex’s ”world exclusive” interview is accompanied by ”amazing pictures”, in which readers can discern a hip pocket bulging with what we assume is an enormous wad of cash.

Inside, Alex embarks on a detailed discussion about urination, a topic we very much doubt has been previously canvassed by OK! He says he tried in vain to encourage his fellow housemates to aim for the bowl when visiting the toilet.

”The fellas were peeing on the seat and, four days later, Alison came out disgusted – there was urine all over the seat. No one had listened to me!” But worse was to come.

”Then they came up with peeing in the shower,” he recalls with a shudder. ”People were saying: ‘Why bother going to the toilet first when you can just pee in the shower?”’

But as it turns out, Alex was friends with one of the worst offenders in this particular area. ”Kate was shown footage of Sandy doing a very long pee into the kitchen bin – she and Sophie unknowingly cleaned it out. Did you know that?” OK! asks. Alex confirms that he has been shown the incident.

”He peed in the bin on the morning of his escape,” he says. And it’s lucky for Sandy that he got out of there when he did – who knows what Alex would have done to him if he discovered such a disgusting act of unhygienic treachery?

Posted: 6th, August 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Marketing Spencer

‘EVEN by OK!’s standards, this is a particularly vapid interview. But then, Spencer Smith is a man who shot into the celebrity stratosphere by doing nothing more than test the bounds of personal hygiene on our television screens for a couple of weeks.

Spencer lets another one rip

”He’s been christened the best-loved housemate never to win Big Brother,” claims OK! Now, ”due to constant requests from fans and readers alike” – rather than any desire to cash in before his ephemeral fame starts to wither and die – Spencer has ”invited OK! to his home town of St Ives in Cambridgeshire for a world exclusive interview”, denying all those eager hacks in countries around the globe the interview of the year.

In it, the lad known as Spanky reveals that he is as devoid of opinions as he is of personality. He reckons the Big Brother experience ”hasn’t really affected me all that much” and that ”life as the UK’s newest heart-throb” is ”quite exciting but can be a bit tiring”.

Now that he is no longer a part of the show, his interest in it was waned considerably. When asked which one of his former housemates he wanted to win, he replied: ”I don’t really care any more”.

But, thankfully, things have livened up a little for Spencer since he was turfed out of the house. He has turned down an offer to feature on an ironing board cover, ”where I’d be photographed in a pair of boxers that disappear when the iron gets hot” and is toying with the idea of starring in a TV show in which he takes ”sexy famous birds fishing”.

There is one point on which Spencer does have an opinion, however – his best moments in the house. ”The compilation that Davina showed of me constantly farting and burping, I was chuffed with that,” he says. Naturally – who wouldn’t be?’

Posted: 30th, July 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


All Style, No Substance

‘SPENCER Smith challenges the defining doctrine of OK! magazine: ”Being a celebrity is all about looking good”. He proves that sometimes, it can be about hilarious bodily emissions as well.

Brooklyn’s hospital gown was designed by Baby Gap

But after OK!’s uncharacteristic detour to Cambridgeshire, Posh Spice is on hand, as always, to steer the magazine back onto a more customary course.

”Expectant mums, it seems, can go one of two ways,” proclaims OK! ”Either they look pale and interesting – or, to put it in a less flattering way, jaded, sick and tired – or they look positively glowing with health.”

Of course, OK! has no interest in those unattractive pregnant lumps on the verge of nervous exhaustion, and fortunately for them, Victoria Beckham slips easily into the latter category of mums-to-be.

”Carrying that extra bit of weight, with her skin rosy and her hair brightened with blonde highlights, she looks fabulous, despite her baby’s imminent arrival,” it approves. ”Not one to experiment with wild fashion-for-the-sake-of-it outfits, Victoria sticks to what suits her, even when she’s nearly eight months pregnant.”

But two Beckhams are better than one, giving the magazine the opportunity to take a retrospective look at Victoria and husband David, ”the country’s biggest style icons”.

”As individuals they were stylish, but together they became a fashion force to be reckoned with,” writes OK!, remembering the glory days of David’s ”adventurous” sarong, bandanna and mohican, Victoria’s fake lip ring and ”sultry” hair extensions, and the pair’s matching diamond crucifixes.

We can hardly wait for the impending birth, when Victoria will wear a delightful backless hospital gown in light green by her favourite designer, Maria Grachvogel, while Becks dons a matching bandanna and surgical mask.

Posted: 30th, July 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Unhappy Families

‘JORDAN is looking jaded, sick and tired – and she’s not even pregnant any more. The poor man’s Posh is photographed with the poor girl’s Becks – Dwight Yorke – as they register the birth of their baby son, Harvey.

One for the family album

Dwight, who failed to follow David Beckham’s example either on the pitch at Old Trafford or in the maternity ward, is in for more of OK!’s stinging opprobrium this week. The snaps of the trio are billed on the cover as the ”first ever pictures as a family”, but inside, the family is far from happy.

”Dwight Yorke has not been the most consistent of men when it comes to his new baby son,” writes OK! Glamour model Jordan ”claims he was unfaithful to her during their stormy relationship and was not there for her when she fell pregnant”, lending credence to Dwight’s assertions that Harvey was not his.

”Then, when little Harvey was born – several months after they broke up – Dwight turned up late at the hospital then refused to cut the umbilical cord,” OK! continues. ”Weeks later, to top it all, he is said to have remarked that the little boy could not be his because he is ‘too white’.”

There were rumours he was going to do a Steve Bing and insist on DNA testing to prove he was Harvey’s father, but now Dwight seems to have accepted that he did indeed sire Harvey.

”On a recent trip to a register office near Jordan’s East Sussex home, Dwight tagged along to put his name on Harvey’s birth certificate,” writes OK!. ”Jordan was only too happy to show off the document as they walked out, probably in a defiant gesture towards those who questioned the identity of Harvey’s father.”

If only, for Harvey’s sake, it was the identity of his mother that was in question.

Posted: 30th, July 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Mel’s Hell

”I HAVE never been talented at dating. But now that I am out and about again, four years after having had a child, I’m a walking disaster area at the ripe old age of 38.

Martin was only too happy to take Mel under his wing

‘Bits of me are not quite what they used to be. My boobs have all the dignity of a pair of flip-flops. And, to my horror, I recently discovered…’

Er, excuse us interrupting, but is this the right room for the Kabbalah reading group? Next door? Oh, terribly sorry… And with that we tip-toe out, closing the door quietly behind us.

For we have just mistakenly intruded upon one of Hello!’s sidelines – its counselling service for distressed folk from the world of celebrity.

In church basements up and down the country, small groups huddle around clutching polystyrene cups of instant coffee and let it all hang out.

Take Melanie Cable-Alexander, the tragic lady we just heard pouring out her heart. Once she was Lord Snowden’s lady, and bore him a son. Now, she has ‘flapping’ upper underarms, teeth that are ‘losing their grip’ and a ‘yawning gap in the front of my mouth’.

Yet thanks to Hello!, she’s getting her life together, and she even has a new man, Martin.

Admittedly, she met him in Streatham, but the good news is that Melanie wasn’t walking the streets at the time.

They met at a ‘supper party’ – although what kind of supper isn’t specified. (Something out of a tin, probably – ever such fun!)

He’s called Martin and they met for their first date at Fortnum and Mason, where Martin ‘had been invited to spend an evening shopping’ – well, it was better than the offer of a free fitting at Specsavers.

Needless to say it all went horribly wrong, with Melanie’s new dentures popping out, and various other humiliations, but they got on like a house on fire and all was well in the end.

But we can’t stand around talking about Melanie all night: it’s time to get spiritual…

Posted: 25th, July 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Kabbalah, Kabbalah, Ka-blah-blah-blah

”KABBALAH, a mystical branch of Judaism, is filling a spiritual gap for a growing number of A-list celebrities,’ reports Hello!

‘Everything I believe has come from the Kabbalah’

And opening the door to the Kabbalah group we find Naomi Campbell, Madonna, Jerry Hall, Mick Jagger, Courtney Love, Barbra Streisand and Liz Taylor, all with pieces of red string tied around their wrists.

This, of course, is to ward off the ‘evil eye’, and the spiritual celebs swear by it.

Madonna has been into in for years, we are told, ‘and even went to the Kabbalah Centre in Los Angles to ask advice on the best day to deliver her first child’.

You’d have thought that Guy would have knocked that sort of thing out of her silly head, but here she is, sneaking off to the community hall while he’s down the Crown with his mates from the council estate.

And why not, when even well-balanced women like Roseanne Barr endorse the creed?

‘Everything I believe has come from the Kabbalah,’ says the woman who believed the final series of Roseanne to be funny.

Small wonder, then, that with Monica Lewinsky and Sandra Bernhard on board, Hello! insists that Kabbalah could turn out to be more than just another celebrity fad’.

Posted: 25th, July 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Laugh ‘Til He Cries

‘THERE’S no nice way of putting this, so we won’t try. Jamie Oliver spent 29 grand on a pair of David Beckham’s boots at the auction during Posh ‘n’ Becks’ World Cup party.

Poisoned by his own fish pie

He bought them as a good luck charm to hang on the wall of his new restaurant, but he couldn’t resist putting them on for a kick-about with his friends.

Then disaster struck. ‘I hit the ball on a volley,’ explains James, ‘and now I have the same thing as David.’

What, a silly voice and a terrible haircut? No, stupid: a damaged metatarsal.

‘Jamie still thinks the boots are great,’ says his agent. Then again, he thinks saying ‘pukka’ is great, and calling his baby Poppy Honey is great.

As that Oscar Wilde geezer said, you’d have to have a heart of stone not to laugh.

Posted: 25th, July 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


The Honeymoon Is Over

‘THEY haven’t even swept up the confetti, yet ‘trouble is already brewing in paradise’ for Julia Roberts and her new husband Danny Moder.

The Moders were sick of waiting for the happy couple to emerge from the bedroom

‘The ink isn’t dry on the wedding license and Julia and Danny are already squabbling!’ an insider tells the Enquirer. ‘And to no one’s surprise, Danny’s family is in the middle of the new battle between the newlyweds, which began on their wedding night!’

It all started with guests complaining about the way they were treated during the nuptial celebrations at Julia’s New Mexico ranch.

‘Some Moder family members groused that they were put up in Spartan accommodations,’ says the Enquirer.

As if being segregated from their women and made to sleep in barracks wasn’t bad enough, the male Moders were forced to drill for hours on a makeshift battleground before they were allowed a piece of wedding cake.

Meanwhile, a youngster with a dose of hayfever brought on by Julia’s wedding bouquet was abandoned on a rocky hillside.

‘Julia’s been in tears more than once over the reaction of Danny’s family, who made it known they weren’t happy about the hospitality and accommodations,’ says the source. ‘And Julia was in a rage at the ingratitude.’

When she and Danny kissed and made up, the relatives were no more impressed.

‘No one seemed to have given any thought to what we would do during the days while Julia and Danny were inside the house, either asleep or holed up in their bedroom making love,’ says a family friend.

Didn’t it occur to anyone to take covert photographs of them to sell at a vast profit to the Enquirer?

Posted: 25th, July 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Dizzy Blonde

‘THERE will be no wedding bells for Britney Spears just yet, but the sound of ambulance sirens could soon be ringing in her ears.

Britney regretted having that last piece of lemon meringue pie

The pop star’s split with boyfriend Justin Timberlake ‘has led to serious health problems that caused her to collapse after a recent concert!’

It was a case of who ate all the lemon meringue pies as ‘heartbroken Britney turned to food for comfort and wound up more depressed than ever when she packed a whopping 16 pounds’ on.

A source informs the Enquirer that, when she was dumped by her boyband beau, ‘Britney flew back to her family home in Louisiana and stuffed her face with fried chicken and Cajun rice, and to top if off she ate several slices of her favourite lemon meringue pie.

‘After a few months of gorging herself with food to ease the pain of heartbreak she put on 16 pounds.’

The swollen starlet then swung to the other extreme, embarking on a diet of raw vegetables to shed her newly acquired flab.

Inevitably, the ‘disastrous health regimen finally caught up with her’ and after one East Coast gig she ‘blacked out, slumped over in her seat motionless, looking like a rag doll’.

‘Britney’s concerts usually last two hours and she dances and prances around onstage most of the time,’ says the source.

But after the gig in question, Britney ‘complained of being dizzy and feeling light-headed’ before she passed out.

Diet aside, it’s no surprise – two hours of lip-synching can do that to a girl.

Posted: 25th, July 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Making A Killing

‘NOT content with focusing on the world’s most famous celebrities, this week the Enquirer takes a look at the more infamous ones as well.

Beverley Allitt was delighted at her new doll

‘A Colorado sculptor is marketing a new line of dolls modelled after the most brutal serial killers in history – and he’s making a killing,’ it writes.

Understandably, the ‘outrageous toys’ have incurred the wrath of victim support groups.

‘It’s disgusting blood money,’ Andy Kahn, a spokesman for a Houston-based group, tells the magazine. ‘From a crime victim’s perspective, it’s nauseating.’

Even toymaker David Johnson, who sells the dolls online for $29.95 each, admits: ‘It’s a pretty shameful thing to do. But I’ve always wanted to make a living as a working artist, and this is the only way I’ve been able to do it.’

The dolls ‘include such monsters as coed killer Ted Bundy’ – complete with historically accurate flares – ‘homosexual cannibal murderer Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy, the ‘Killer Clown’, in his sick ‘Pogo the Clown’ costume’.

Johnson has a few more dolls in the pipeline, including Charles Manson, Lizzie Borden (axe sold separately) and, perhaps a little ambitiously given that his identity has always remained a mystery, Jack the Ripper.

Accessories such as the electric chair (batteries not included) will also be available soon.

Posted: 25th, July 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


PJ Drama

‘BUT Vicky and David are worried. Hot on their heels in the hunt for fame are PJ, Jade, Spencer, Alex, Kate, Tim and Jonny. The magnificent seven are thrilling the planet with their hilarious antics and cracked-whip humour.

PJ convinces Jade to take a dip in the hot tub

But before we go to the house, let’s look in on one former inmate, the man we all call PJ Ellis.

Pig Jumper is seen on the OK! cover promising to give us the first, last and middle words on life in the Big Brother house. So, Pig Jumper, why did you go on the show?

‘Well, I’m from Birmingham and I wanted to see how the other half live.’ Pig Jumper, what happened between you and Jade? ‘I deny full sex,’ says he. ‘I did kiss her a lot longer than I thought I had, as I assumed it was just a peck on the lips… I let myself down.’

Pig Jumper, do you fancy Jade? ‘I was messing about with Jade. I don’t fancy her. I was drunk and we had a snog.’ And so it goes on, until readers finally arrive at Jade.

There’s Jade taking her clothes off as she loses another round of a betting game. And there’s Jade lying on the grass; Jade being hosed down by two studly men (Jonny and Pig Jumper), and fireman Jonny deftly directing a water hose down Jade’s pants.

‘Give us a break, Jade’, says OK! ‘She is such an exhibitionist!’ And look, there’s another shot of her with her top off. Pah! And another… another… another…

Posted: 24th, July 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Larks And Spencer

‘IT’S clear to us all that they do not make stars like they used to. And providing us with a breath of fresh air is that hero of old, Spencer Smith.

‘Oi, Kate, not in front of the cameras!’

It’s great to sees Spencer back by popular demand, to fill in a few pages on the cheap. And OK! has a few more questions to ask.

‘Rumour has it that an ‘X-rated’ incident between you [that’s Spencer and Kate, dear reader] escaped the cameras’ glare…’ poses OK!. Spencer says that Big Brother might not see everything that goes on, and that is all he’s going to say.

But turn the page and it’s not Kate, it’s… Well, you know who’s there… It’s now day 2,407,894, and surely time to say goodnight. Roll cameras… ‘

Posted: 24th, July 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment


Household Names

‘IT’S midnight on day nine hundred and twenty-seven in OK!’s tribute to Big Brother.

The original Dwight dwelling

Housemates Elton and David are sitting in Woodside, a sprawling mansion on the outskirts of Windsor. David is wearing Elton’s red hair. Elton is wearing a smile.

David has asked Elton to show him pictures of the house where he grew up in Pinner, Middlesex. Elton produces a photograph of a ‘modest’ white and red painted house. There is a burgundy saloon car in the driveway and a bus stop outside…

It’s 1.17am, and Geraldine Estelle Halliwell is watching videos of herself performing It’s Rainin’ Men in the lounge of her £3.7 million mansion in Middle Green, Berkshire.

She’s also looking at a brochure of her new house, a £3million place in the Notting Hill area of London. The house is surrounded by a seven-foot wall, a moat and twelve crocodiles…

It’s now 2am and 15 seconds: Chris Evans and his much younger wife Billie are talking about schools at their Tudor pile in leafy Surrey. Chris is showing Billie a photo of his old house in Warrington. It’s got stone claddin’ and a door made from wood. The windows are glass…

It’s now 6.22am, and David and Victoria are already up in the house. David was born in Leytonstone in 1975, and Victoria grew up in the ‘picture-perfect’ surroundings of Goffs Oak, Hertfordshire.

The couple are talkin’ in the lounge of their £3.5 million seven-bedroom Grade II listed house in Sawbridgeworth, Hertfordshire. Victoria has eaten two Twiglets, a packet of Pickled Onion Monster Munch and seven boiled eggs. David has drunk eight glasses of water…

It’s now 9.15 and seven seconds. Liz Hurley is reading Forbes magazine…(continue forever)’

Posted: 24th, July 2002 | In: Reviews | Comment