CAN it be that Princess Charlene of Monaco thinks Prince Albert not enough for her? Allegations abound that the Princess is doing a Diana with a rugby player. This one’s called Byron Kelleher, a 36-year-old former All Black.
PRINCE Harry continues his trip to the US of A with a visit to the cheer leading display in the American football indoor training centre, at the US Air Force Academy base in Colorado Springs, USA, during the Warrior Games.
Spot the Blue Blood
PRINCE Harry is in the USA. The focus is on the girls cooing for the guys and his work with the Halo Trust, the world’s biggest demining organisation. The United States is not a signatory to the 1997 international Mine Ban Treaty. It reserves the right to deploy “smart mines” that can deactivate or self-destruct. Mines are ok, so long as you blow people’s legs off with sensitivity and thought.
THE tree amigos, the House of Windsor’s A-team, Brand Royal that is Duchess Kate, Prince Harry Baseball Cap and Wills made a visit to the Harry Potter film set during their visit to Warner Bros studios in Leavesden, Herts, where the movies were produced. Looking at Harry it is obvious that he could play Ron Weasley, the third wheel in the Hermione Granger / Harry Potter love triangle. One can imagine the Queen looking over the pictures and wondering if the Royal baby will be ginger, like Harry or, say, James Hewitt. But who needs magick when you have PR, lawyers and compliance..?
KENNY Everett’s busty distraction Cleo Rocos has a book out. One section deals with the time she met Princess Diana. Over bellinis, Shy Di would refer to people as “that randy old Taurean” or “Typical Sagittarian, always dancing on the table with a bottle of vodka down his trousers.”
Everett, Rocos and Di then went back to Kenny’s penthouse to watch The Golden Girls. Mercury popped over. The foursome ad libbed their version of the show. Everett was Blanche, Diana was Dorothy, Mercury was Sophie and Rocos was Rose.
HOW the media works: the paper have been at the Cheltenham Festival. If Pippa Middleton is not in the stalls, the journalists turn their eyes to any other female Royal. They spot Zara Phillips.
The Telegraph’s Andrew Hough reports:
She may be the Queen’s grand-daughter but that did not stop security guards at Cheltenham Festival from blocking Zara Phillips access to the parade ring.
The Daily Mail’s Ruth Styles and Louise Eccles report:
She might be the Queen’s granddaughter, but that does not always guarantee the royal treatment. Zara Phillips was blocked from leaving the parade ring at Cheltenham yesterday by a security guard.
WHEN her Majesty The Queen puts down her copy of Majesty – ‘The Quality Royal Magazine’ – (an ITV documentary reveals that Liz subscribes to the organ that records her own life. Whenever Phil asks her how her day went she can just toss the mag over to him and say,’There. Take a look’) she can look at her face on coins and bank notes. (Her Majesty is thought to favour the 10pence piece because it has no crow’s feet.) It’s all pretty samey – unless she see what this artist has down to her likeness on the Australian five dollar note.
USWeekly says Duchess Kate’s baby will be called Elizabeth Diana Carole. They’ll name the child after Prince William’s granny. Middle names will be nods to the couple’s mothers.
The brains at the US glossy maust have spent moments working that out. The only good thing is that initials, EDC, will give Lizzy-DC a name for her signature Eau De Cologne. But other than that it’s low on thrills. Still, we know it’s a girl. And, according to OK!’s cover, “Having a girl would make Diana happy.”
CRESSIDA Bonas, Prince Harry’s latest flame, appears in an OK! magazine feature. The mag wants us to look beyond the “long glossy hair, flawless kin and sparkling smile” to see the woman of substance beneath the perfection. In a section headed “Beauty And Brains”, OK! notes:
“And Cressida has worked hard too, studying dance at the University of Leeds. She’s also modelled for Burberry and has experience as a ski instructor.”
IS Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, having a dinosaur? When Sandra Cook, 67, gave Kate a teddy bear in Grimsby, the Duchess said: “Thank you, I’ll give that to my d…”
Daughter. Sandra Cook thought so. Kate never finished the word. Sandra pressed her.
“No, we don’t know,” said Kate. “We’re not telling.”
THE Duchess of Cambridge sits next to a dummy of the Ship’s Mate at the Skipper’s Table on display during her tour of the National Fishing Heritage Centre, Grimsby.
HOW does the media respond to news that Queen Elizabeth 2 is unwell? Her Majesty has been at the King Edward VII Hospital, London, where Kate Middleton went for morning sickness treatment. The Daily Mail leads with “DON’T MAKE A FUSS” – new of the Queen’s “stoicism” – the Times leads with two coppers stood by a door (one of them is 7ft 2in PC Anthony Wallyn) and the Sun finds a pun withy “Her Majesty The Queasy”.
WHEN Prince Harry went to Lesotho, he met with Prince Seeiso at the Kananelo Centre for the Deaf, in the Maseru district of Lesotho. Harry danced, and in any language we knew what he meant. Extempore dancing is to most of us a hellish ordeal. At dos, Anorak heads to the middle of the dance floor in the hope that everyone dancing around him will act like those whirling anchovy shoals in wildlife documentaries, swirling about and making the centre invisible. It never works. The music changes; people slump off; an overexcited woman commands just one more dance. The band strikes up Wake Me Up Before You GoGo, by Wham! Game Harry then went to St. Bernadette School for the Visually Impaired. It was all for charity. At one point someone drew a picture of Prince William on the black baord, and everyone laughed:
DID you know that Prince Harry’s new girlfriend, Cressida Bonas, had a nickname in school? The Mirror says she was known as “Bon-arse” by her friends. The Mirror informs its learned readers that it’s combination of the “French word for good and her surname”. The rets of you who didn’t go to a “Posh” school like Stowe, could not hope to think of nickname for a gel called BONAS. CRESSIDA BONAS…
YOU’RE only ever really Royal if you’ve gone topless, like Sophie Wessex, Kate Middleton and Prince Harry. Young Harry Baseball Cap is, of course, dating Cressida Bonas. (Yep, he has been seen kissing BONAS in public.) She’s a willowy blonde toff who does spot of modelling and stuff. She has yet to pose topless. Her mother, Lady Mary Curzon, however, has. (Photo on Page 2.) In 1967, she appeared in Birds Of Britain by John E. Green. The blurb told us:
“She has been a debutante. Also she has been a model. Also she has been salesgirl over Christmas in Harrods department store. Also she has escorted tourists around the sights of London. None of these activities was motivated by gain, since she comes from an extremely rich family. Her father is Earl Howe, and a near relation was that magnificent proconsul of whom a contemporary rhyme only half-maliciously ran – ‘My name in George Nathaniel Curzon. I am a most superior person.’ She owns a fluffy white pekinese named Consuelo, and lives, reasonably enough, just off Curzon Street.”
IN your jealous Gummidge face Hilary Mantel. How dare she say Kate Middleton, our Duchess of Cambridge, our dewey-soft rose, is nothing more than a waving vagina on a plastic stick. Simon Balch has been on the phone to the Franklin Mint. He brings joyous news that they who have created a doll more in keeping with the real Kate, the topless stunna and would-be bikini model:
TOM Parker-Bowles – ”my stepfather is Prince Charles, a lovely and glorious man” – who is profiled thus by Craig McLean in the Times:
Rather than accept his posh-bashing lot — tarred and feathered as another workshy double-barrelled waster — Parker Bowles secured a job as food writer on Tatler…
You can’t beat hard graft to stop them calling you a ponce…
PRINCE Harry’s is dating Cressida BONAS. * (Her name must forever be capitalised.) La Bonas’s mother is Lady Mary Curzon, a siren of the Swinging Sixties with five children by three of her four husbands. She might be the Carol Jackson of high society.
PRINCE Harry has been on the slopes with Cressida Bonas. The <em >Sun sees Harry “cuddle” the 24-year-old Bonas in Verbier, Switzerland. He was not naked. She was not dressed in a bikini. These photos are safe and patriotic. Harry is “smitten” with Bonas. He has been “hauling Cressida on to his lap and giving her a passionate kiss”
All papers resist the urge to declare: “Prince Harry kisses Bonas.” That’s the kind of respect he deserves.
AWARD-winning author Hilary Mantel says the Royal Family pick a brood mare the same way a Scientology star picks a wife. They like an easy-wipe surface. Whilst Mantel was comparing Kate Middleton to a dead-eyed mannequin, the pregnant Duchess of Cambridge, for it is she, was getting back to work after her Caribbean getaway. At Hope House, she waved, looked interested, waved, shook hands, waved, waved some more and then left to a magical faraway land where the paparazzi don’t exist and everything tastes of furniture polish.