IT was Craig Brown who brought to the world Prince Harry’s Ode To Pomp: “When I marry, It’ll be in fancy dress - And I’ll come as Rudolf Hess.”

Of course that was satire. When he marries, Prince Harry will take on the full weight of the occasion with a sartorial display of dark baseball cap, new sneakers and a T-shirt bearing the legend “FCUK Marriage”.

But such a time will have to wait as the Mail brings news that Harry and “miserable” Davy have split.

It is reported that Davy “needs space” to “carve out her own identity”.

A “friend close to Chelsy” tells The Mail on Sunday: “This is not an over-for-good situation. Chelsy and Harry both love each other very much.”

A senior Palace aide confirms: “The relationship is over. It has simply run its course. Harry will be carrying on his Army career and Chelsy will continue her studies.”

And while Chelsy whittles, we happen up the Mail’s second Prince Harry feature: “Send me to Afghanistan or I’ll quit Army.”

“Harry has said he is at rock bottom,” a close friend says. “He is upset, angry and frustrated and feels completely redundant. He is basically doing nothing…He has said he is a troop leader without a troop.”

Harry is not some inedible ornament with a passion for dressing up in military garb. Says the source: “The MoD are going to have to figure something out. If they don’t, Harry has said he will think about pursuing his charity work and go back to Africa. He is desperate to do something that will give him a sense of purpose.”

But Harry is not alone. He might not have Chelsy, but if wants a sounding post he could consult with other men of his family and consider golfing, talking to plants and finding a use for Prince Edward…

WILL it be rugby union or football? The English national game is a matter of no small importance.

Rugby has its plusses: England win; and England should never lose to Germany on penalties, chiefly because Jonny Wilkinson is allowed to take all spot kicks.

On the negatives, you can’t play rugby easily, and certainly not against a Waiters XV on a Mediterranean beach, nor on the school playground, where less the tackling and more the falling mouth-first onto the crumbling tarmac is liable to hurt.

Which way to go? We could toss for it. But better yet let’s see which way our greatest scoring icon falls. What will Prince Harry do?

Harry, that Wilkinson among men, is, as the Telegraph reports, expected to join thousands of England fans at Saturday’s World Cup final.

So rugby it is.

However, as the Telegraph notes: “But speculation was growing yesterday over whether his South African-based girlfriend, Chelsy Davy, will be with him.”

If rugby is to surpass football as the sport of choice, it is imperative the girlfriend takes her rightful place at her rugger mad boyfriend’s side.

As the paper notes: “Last Saturday — Miss Davy’s 22nd birthday — rugby-mad Prince Harry was in Paris for the England team’s nail-biting victory over the World Cup hosts.”

Once absence looks like an accident, twice sounds the death knell for rugby’s lofty ambitions.

The very real fear is that should South Africa-based Chelsy not journey to Paris, rugby will never full replace football as the nation’s No. 1 sport, and be seen as an incidental matter, a game played by boys who grew up unable to control a football, or their girlfriends…

PRINCE Harry never did make it to Iraq.

The plan to send Harry to the frontline and equip our finest boys and girls with red frightwigs - so seducing the reward-eager enemy from their foxholes and making them more easy to slaughter - never materialised. Read the plan here.

And so it is that the Army remains bogged down in Iraq and Afghansitan. And Harry is eating spaghetti bolognese in Leeds.

But now a report in the News of the World that if Harry will not go to the War on Terror, the War on Terror will go to Harry.

As the paper notes, Chelsy Davy, Harry’s blonde, is studying for a law degree at Leeds University.

She is residing in a £55-a-week student home. Chelsy is sharing with three “pals” in “the rundown” Hyde Park area.

And as the paper says: “Two years ago cops swooped on a nearby property following the 7/7 London terror attacks.”

Can this be it? Is it no mere chance that Harry has been despatched to the provinces?

How long before the people of Leeds are all sporting red wigs and with the rallying cry “I am Harry”, sparing Leeds from the grasping hand of Muslim extremism?

DID Princess Diana ever wear black and white stripes?

While the Sun’s researcher looks through the archives, the paper produces a picture of Chelsy Davy and Kate Middleton in such a mode.

The girls are dating Prince Harry and Prince William, respectively and exclusively, and are “in lines to the throne”.

Chelsy is an bandeau dress and in the Mahiki club, London. Kate is in a knitted dress in a trade fair in West London.

The Sun wonders “What’s black and white and red all over”. It supplies no answer, leading readers to guess between a) a penguin in a penguin suit, b) Jonathan Ross’s newspaper column, and c) Michael Jackson.

The Mirror, however, focuses less on the dress and more on Chelsy’s face. This is “Chelsy Dazey” leaving the aforesaid club at 2.30am.

She jumps into a black cap with grey seats and red piping…