WHAT did Prince Philip says to a Polish research scientist as he toured Cambridge’s Medical Research Council’s Laboratory of Molecular Biology (LMB)?

a) “Watch out for the Germans”

b) “Liz’s plumbing’s gone bit leaky”

c) “Is their where Eddie got his kids?”

d) “Did you come here to pick raspberries?”

Yes. It was ‘d’.

The answer was not reported. But we always wonder if the Prince’s apparent off-the-cuff gaffes are not in actual fact well-rehearsed lines he’s says to deflect our attention from something else, such as the incessant farting…

Photo: Queen Elizabeth II, and The Duke of Edinburgh arrive by guided bus at the Medical Research Council in Cambridge. Date: 23/05/2013

CAN it be that Princess Charlene of Monaco thinks Prince Albert not enough for her? Allegations abound that the Princess is doing a Diana with a rugby player. This one’s called Byron Kelleher, a 36-year-old former All Black.

When we last saw the rushing bride, she had survived the gayest wedding this side of Elton John’s Ken and Barbie honeymoon tea set and was honeymooning ten miles away from her husband.

MSN NZ reports on reports in Spanish newspapers, which it oddly decides not to name:

“Rumours about a relationship between the two have erupted,” the article said. Kelleher attended the royal couple’s wedding in 2011 and spent time with them on Italy’s Amalfi coast last year. ABC reported that Kelleher, who was described as an “intimate friend” of Charlene, was at the princess’s side at a recent tennis tournament in Monte Carlo.

An intimate friend? Isn’t that a euphemism for a tampon? It;s not Diana. It’s Charles and Camilla!

PRINCE Harry continues his trip to the US of A with a visit to the cheer leading display in the American football indoor training centre, at the US Air Force Academy base in Colorado Springs, USA, during the Warrior Games.

Nice Tackle!

Go Long!

Spot the Blue Blood

KENNY Everett’s busty distraction Cleo Rocos has a book out. One section deals with the time she met Princess Diana. Over bellinis, Shy Di would refer to people as “that randy old Taurean” or “Typical Sagittarian, always dancing on the table  with a bottle of vodka  down his trousers.”

Everett, Rocos and Di then went back to Kenny’s penthouse to watch The Golden Girls. Mercury popped over. The foursome ad libbed their version of the show. Everett was Blanche, Diana was Dorothy, Mercury was Sophie and Rocos was Rose.

Talk moved to a night out at a gay club. Everett and Mercury dressed Diana in an army jacket, aviator sunglasses and a black cap, LadyBoy Di and the gang headed to the Vauxhall Tavern in South London. Says Rocos:

“When we walked in … we felt she was obviously Princess Diana and would be discovered at any minute. But people just seemed to blank her. She sort of disappeared. But she loved it. She did look like a beautiful young man. She was always a very fit girl, so they might have thought, ‘There’s a nice young man with pert buttocks.’”

Diana ordered a white wine and a beer at the bar. She soon after left, the group taking a taxi to drop her off at Kensington Palace.

There’s a film in it, surely. The Prince and the Pauper has a new sequel. In the Princess and the Torpor / Athletic Supporter / Queen for a Night, the young Princess heads to the gay bar, where she is seduced by a theatrical prince dressed in tweed as Backstairs Billy spins the platters and Queen sing along…

FACES of the day: Statues of Queen Elizabeth II and the Duke of Edinburgh in Fifield, Berkshire. Suzanne Ellis and her partner Ben Bennett built 12-foot high the two giant busts are come complete with wrinkles and  green hair made from a combination of grasses, plants and flowers.  Skin tones are by The Only Way Is Wessex:

HOW the media works: the paper have been at the Cheltenham Festival. If Pippa Middleton is not in the stalls, the journalists turn their eyes to any other female Royal. They spot Zara Phillips.

The Telegraph’s Andrew Hough reports:

She may be the Queen’s grand-daughter but that did not stop security guards at Cheltenham Festival from blocking Zara Phillips access to the parade ring.

The Daily Mail’s Ruth Styles and Louise Eccles report:

She might be the Queen’s granddaughter, but that does not always guarantee the royal treatment. Zara Phillips was blocked from leaving the parade ring at Cheltenham yesterday by a security guard.

Bit similar, no?

Back to Hough, who writes:

“The Princess Royal’s daughter was left unimpressed by the actions of overzealous security who appeared not to recognise her on the opening day of the [Cheltenham Festival].”

The guard is revealed to be “unnamed“. He is that unimportant to the story. He is merely an “overzealous” man who can’t recognise Royalty when it’s looking him in the face. But what difference does it make if he recognises her? His job is to stop anyone from walking across the parade ground while the horse are there.

The 31 year-old, accompanied by her husband, Mike Tindall, the former England rugby captain, was prevented from crossing the parade ring after one race. Dressed in a cream coat and purple hat with a pair of feathers, the Olympic Silver medallist at last year’s London games was seen in animated discussion with the guard, who refused to budge.

She was eventually let through…

Hough then solicited the thoughts of a Cheltenham Festival spokesman:

“After each race we have a line of security guards in the middle of the parade ring, whose job it is to stop people walking from one side to the other in front of the winning and placed horses who are about to walk in. That is what happened in this case. We would support the actions of the stewards 100 per cent. He was doing his job and looking after the safety of the public, which at that point she is a member of.”

Huzzah!

But this is how journalism works. So, one day after that, the Daily Mail writes:

Just 24 hours earlier, she was photographed having a row with a security guard, who failed to recognise her and tried to block her from crossing the parade ring while the horses passed.

No. He did recognise her. He recognised he as a member of the public. And he didn’t try to stop her from breaking the rules. He succeeded.

The Independent duly reports:

Together with her husband, the former England rugby player Mike Tindall, she could not persuade the guard to let them pass – but they were later allowed through and seemed to laugh off the incident at the chilly race meeting.

Or as the Mail says:

The guard appeared to have no idea who Miss Phillips was but, after some cross words from the royal, quickly let her pass.

Such are the facts…

Note:

It is illegal under the Crimes (Currency) Act 1981 to deliberately deface or destroy Australian banknotes and coins without the consent of the Reserve Bank or Treasury. The legislation covers all Australian banknotes, both present and past, paper and polymer.

EXTRACT FROM CRIMES (CURRENCY) ACT 1981

Defacing or destroying current coins or current paper money

16. A person shall not, without the consent, in writing, of an authorised person, intentionally deface, disfigure, mutilate or destroy any coin or paper money that is lawfully current in Australia.

Penalty:

in the case of a person, not being a body corporate – $5,000 or imprisonment for two years, or both; or
in the case of a person, being a body corporate – $10,000.

The anonymous artist remains anonymous…

USWeekly says Duchess Kate’s baby will be called Elizabeth Diana Carole. They’ll name the child after Prince William’s granny. Middle names will be nods to the couple’s mothers.

The brains at the US glossy maust have spent moments working that out. The only good thing is that initials, EDC, will give Lizzy-DC a name for her signature Eau De Cologne. But other than that it’s low on thrills. Still, we know it’s a girl. And, according to OK!’s cover, “Having a girl would make Diana happy.”

That should be would have made Diana happy, right? Well, not if you believe Diana lives at the fabled Sixth Floor of the Harvey Nichols Department store (spoilers: she does).

Spotter: HL

CRESSIDA Bonas, Prince Harry’s latest flame, appears in an OK! magazine feature. The mag wants us to look beyond the “long glossy hair, flawless kin and sparkling smile” to see the woman of substance beneath the perfection. In a section headed “Beauty And Brains”, OK! notes:

“And Cressida has worked hard too, studying dance at the University of Leeds. She’s also modelled for Burberry and has experience as a ski instructor.”

Before that she worked in Greggs piping jam into doughnuts, picked vegetables in Norfolk, worked in a Dundee call centre and taught herself to click her own fingers at a Cafe Rouge….

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IS Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, having a dinosaur? When Sandra Cook, 67, gave Kate a teddy bear in Grimsby, the Duchess said: “Thank you, I’ll give that to my d…”

Daughter. Sandra Cook thought so. Kate never finished the word. Sandra pressed her.

“No, we don’t know,” said Kate. “We’re not telling.”

What was she doing to say? We consulted a few experts:

David Icke: “Dumeril’s Monitor: In Buckingham Palace, Dumeril’s monitors commonly feed on insects, snails, crabs, frogs, fish and children.”

Barbara Woodhouse’s daughter: “Dog. Dogs love ripping the crap out of teddy bears.”

Hugh Hefner: “Daddy. Daddy’s girls love their teddies.”

Prince Philip: “Disappointment. Eddie has a vast collection of gonks and Barbie action figures. He’s looking to form new interests. Teddies just might be it.”

Prince Harry: “Dick. It’s what she calls Willy.”

Royal Insider: “Diamonds Polisher. Kate has three full-time diamond buffers. One is approaching her sixth birthday.”

THE Duchess of Cambridge sits next to a dummy of the Ship’s Mate at the Skipper’s Table on display during her tour of the National Fishing Heritage Centre, Grimsby.

HOW does the media respond to news that Queen Elizabeth 2 is unwell? Her Majesty has been at the King Edward VII Hospital, London, where Kate Middleton went for morning sickness treatment. The Daily Mail leads with “DON’T MAKE A FUSS” – new of the Queen’s “stoicism” – the Times leads with two coppers stood by a door (one of them is 7ft 2in PC Anthony Wallyn) and the Sun finds a pun withy “Her Majesty The Queasy”.

It must be discomforting to know that a dicky tum-tum is the stuff of nationwide debate.

Still, if you will eat swans burgers…

Photo: Presenter Ann Macmillan of CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) beams outside the King Edward VII Hospital in London, where Queen Elizabeth II is continuing her recovery after being admitted with symptoms of gastroenteritis.

YOU’RE only ever really Royal if you’ve gone topless, like Sophie Wessex, Kate Middleton and Prince Harry. Young Harry Baseball Cap is, of course, dating Cressida Bonas. (Yep, he has been seen kissing BONAS in public.) She’s a willowy blonde toff who does spot of modelling and stuff. She has yet to pose topless. Her mother, Lady Mary Curzon, however, has. (Photo on Page 2.) In 1967, she appeared in Birds Of Britain by John E. Green. The blurb told us:

“She has been a debutante. Also she has been a model. Also she has been  salesgirl over Christmas in Harrods department store. Also she has escorted tourists around the sights of London. None of these activities was motivated by gain, since she comes from an extremely rich family. Her father is Earl Howe, and a near relation was that magnificent proconsul of whom a contemporary rhyme only half-maliciously ran – ‘My name in George Nathaniel Curzon. I am a most superior person.’ She owns a fluffy white pekinese named Consuelo, and lives, reasonably enough, just off Curzon Street.”

Do swing by:

IN your jealous Gummidge face Hilary Mantel. How dare she say Kate Middleton, our Duchess of Cambridge, our dewey-soft rose, is nothing more than a waving vagina on a plastic stick. Simon Balch has been on the phone to the Franklin Mint. He brings joyous news that they who have created a doll more in keeping with the real Kate, the topless stunna and would-be bikini model:

TOM Parker-Bowles –  ”my stepfather is Prince Charles, a lovely and glorious man” – who is profiled thus by Craig McLean in the Times:

Rather than accept his posh-bashing lot — tarred and feathered as another workshy double-barrelled waster — Parker Bowles secured a job as food writer on Tatler…

You can’t beat hard graft to stop them calling you a ponce…

Her Ladyship once appeared in the book Birds Of Britain by John E. Green. Published in 1967, the book featured Curzon and other stars, such as Pattie Boyd, Sandie Shaw, Charlotte Rampling, Susannah York, Sue Cornwallis, Ingrid Boulting, Lady Eliot, Edina Ronay, Rory Davis, Julie Christie, Sarah Miles, Susan Hampshire, Lane and Victoria Ornsby-Gore, Jane Asher, Marianne Faithfull, Lulu, Juliet Harmer, The Jay Twins, Jane Barry (Birkin), Chrissie Shrimpton, Viviane Ventura, Venetia Cuninghame, Lady Jacqueline Rufus-Isaacs, Cilla Black and Dusty Springfield. (What, no Twiggy?!)

Curzon was pictured with lots of bared skin and drenched in oil, a reference her father’s racing career.

Request: any reader got his book?

All papers resist the urge to declare: “Prince Harry kisses Bonas.” That’s the kind of respect he deserves.

A spotter says:

“It was clear they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. One minute they were sat at the table with Andrew, Fergie and their daughters, the next they were acting like teenagers in a darkened cinema.”

Says one onlooker: “Until we see her knockers, it’s hard to tell if she’ll ever be a true Royal…”

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