Royal Family Category
The Royal Family, the House of Windsor, in the news and on a horse
“Kiss Me Kate will be elegant, tasteful and British to the core. It’ll be brewed to 5%, pale in colour and, we’re sure it’ll be the ideal way to toast the couple’s future happiness.”
1. We now know that there is a Chairman of the village shop Committee. He’s called Guy Bagnett
2. Camilla is gearing up for Prince William’s wedding to Kate Middleton by learning how to work a wooden spinning wheel. Yep, like in the fairytales. This might not bode well for Kate should her future step-mother-in-law give her a spinning wheel for a wedding fit and leave a few sharp edges on which fingers may be pricked. (Who needs a battered white Fiat Uno when you’ve a spinning wheel?)
A MEMBER of the Stephen Friedman Gallery measures a life size wax model of Prince William by the artist Jennifer Rubell on show in London. The statue is complete with a replica of his fiancee’s sapphire and diamond engagement ring attached to its forearm, will allow royal fans to pose as would-be Kate Middletons… (If you see Fergie…)
TOP news is that should anyone poke Camilla with a stick – and she look like she’s not enjoying it – the Diplomatic Protection Squad will zap the perp with a Taser blast. What could possibly go wrong?
“Like a Royal Wedding, intercourse with a loved one is an unforgettable occasion.”
The condoms are brought to you buy “the world’s leading supplier of heritage prophylactics“.
KATE Middleton’s lessons in being unemployed Royal are progressing well. She’s already given up he job, thus putting on an equal footing with Prince Edward. And she’s not getting classes in history form TV history pundit Andrew Roberts. This is how journalism works:
The Independent Spoof:
Mindful that not everyone knows the proud history of the Royal Family, aides have asked pint-sized historian Andrew Roberts to talk the bride-to-be through the history of the House of Windsor. Talbot Church (aka Terence Blaker), Dec 15
The historian Andrew Roberts is to give Kate a lesson in the history of the House of Windsor. ‘Mainly German and not terribly bright’ should do it, I would have thought. Jan 1, Rod Liddle
The Independent Outrage:
It has been revealed that a far right-winger who blames concentration camps victims for their own deaths is giving history lessons to Britain’s future Queen, Kate Middleton. Rod Liddle discloses in passing here that Andrew Roberts is “tutoring” her in the run-up to the royal wedding. To find out just who this “historian” is, read my expose of him here. Johann Hari, January 10, 2011
Andrew Roberts has not been invited to give constitutional history or other lessons to Miss Middleton. There are no plans to approach Andrew Roberts. David Allen Green, Jan 11
A certain chilliness has entered relations between the palace and leading historian Andrew Roberts. When Roberts was asked to help Kate Middleton with her royal history, it was on the strict understanding that the arrangement would remain confidential. Within days The Spectator got wind that “historian Andrew Roberts is to give Kate a lesson in the history of the House of Windsor”. Amid hurried denials from Clarence House, future coaching lessons with Roberts are now said to be “on hold”. Talbot Church, Jan 12
BIG news iss that Kate Middleton has quit her job working for the family’s party firm to “throw herself full time into planning her wedding”.
The future Queen stepped down from her role at Party Pieces just before Christmas, royal aides confirmed today. One said: “She has handed over her work to colleagues and is now preparing for her future life.”
WHAT news from Denmark, land of Johnny Jensen, bacon and one bag of wool? Well, Crown Princess Mary (born Mary Elizabeth Donaldson in Australia) and Crown Prince Frederik of Denmark (born Frederik Andre Henrik Christian) are showing off their twins outside the Rigshospitalet hospital in Copenhagen. They’ve had a boy and a girl.
Kate Middleton is under no pressure whatsoever…
News is that the knobs will be in open-topped carriages as they pass by Parliament Square, Whitehall, Horse Guards Parade and The Mall.
THE PDC World Championship of darts is proud to support Prince Harry. Prince Baseball Cap was with former England rugby player Will Greenwood at Alexandra Palace, London. This is one of the few palaces granny doesn’t own, but giving the austerity measures and lack of security about her Kensington pile she will contemplate a move for grimy north London once the smell of cheese nachos has expired.
Meanwhile, the conversation turns to whether or not spotting Prince Harry in public qualifies it as an actual sport? We say it does. It’s a sport if you want it to be one.
SO. There they were, the Earl and Countess of Wessex – the Weed In Tweed and the former topless stunna. You can wait an entire year to see Eddie. And then, as if by magic, he’s there. It was the Christmas Day service at St Mary Magdalene Church, on the royal estate at Sandringham in Norfolk. Sophie Wessex wore a small plum duff on her head, which due to the hot lights of the photographers flashbulbs, began to slide. But no worries. Eddie, armed with his trademark silver spoon, would step in to avert disaster…
IT our joy to announce that Mr Mike Tindall (of the Swollen Face Tindalls) is engaged to Zara Phillips (of the Windsor-Munsters, Hello! magazine and an equestrian champion riding WG Grace’s Watersports Videos to much glory) are to be married. There is much joy. (Prince William and Kate Middleton will be recycling gifts and leftovers.)
PRINCE William and Kate Middleton arrived together for a Christmas Spectacular and Reception in aid of Teenager Cancer Trust at the Thursford Collection, Thursford, Norfolk. A cue, then, for the BBC news’s mawkish, whispering, creepy Nicholas Witchell to front a report into how Princess Diana was linked to the same charity, wore her hair in a bun, had a school friend called Kate and was a great friend and cause of comfort to sufferers of ingrown toenails.
PRINCE Charles passed the day with the Royal investitures. Chief among them was actress Sophie Okonedo, now Sophie Okonedo OBE. When Charles gave it to her, she dropped it. Then she picked it up. It’s what passes for drama when Charles isn’t doing an impression of Bugsy Malone in his big car…
The other big thread is that the Rolls Royce carrying the hypocrite Prince Charles and his lady wife Camilla was attacked. (Did anti-warming campaign Charles having the car’s heating on while the window was wound down to take in the atmosphere?)
Had the Queen been in the car, we’d have cared. The country would have been split. Condemnation would be rife and moods foreboding. But Charles and Camilla do not excite much sympathy, do they?
HERE’S a video of Prince Charles and his fragrant wife Camilla being attacked by student fees protesters as they motor down Regent Street – their street – in central London.
Charles and Camilla are making their serene way to the theater, where they will watch the Royal Variety Show. (They missed Corrie live – and failed to see Molly (based on Camilla) telling her lover’s wife Sally (Diana) that she’d been shagging Kevin (Charles). Still, good night out – memorable, even…
STUDENTS outwitted Prince Charles and the police. This is a job akin to finding your arse with both hands. But, still, good to see that the students are brighter than the future head of state and the people who keep the streets safe.
Richard North adds:
ONE would like to think that those who attempted to trash Charlie’s car last night were protesting against his green idiocy. We can all dream, but that one would be more of a fantasy. Several things do emerge from the incident, however – not least that so unprepared was the Prince that he had to be warned to wind up his window to stop attackers throwing things inside the car.
Coronation Street Live Activists Try To Free Camilla And Charles From Night At Royal Variety Show: Photos
THE anti-Royal Variety Performance campaigners were not enough to save Prince Charles and Camilla from an evening spent with the N-Dubz, Mark Owen and comedy’s very own Mr Johnny Boden, Michael McIntyre. Says a spokesman for the masked activist network:
“We knew Coronation Street Live was on and that Camilla was a big fan. To see her hermetically sealed inside that mobile fish tank was a scandal and an outrage. We tried and tried to bust her out but it was no use. The glass was just too tough. Sorry, ma’am.”
“Never again. Please.”
ON their way one mile up the road to watch the Royal Variety Performance green activist Prince Charles and Camilla’s big car and convoy is attacked by students. Any idea for a caption?
Theses apples catchers are owned by Hungarian-born Miami legend “Baron” Joseph de Bicske Dobronyim aka Sepy, whose previous claim to fame is that his home was used a backdrop for scene in the 1972 film Deep Throat.
LAST time we saw Sultan Qaboos bin Said of Oman, he was giving Queen Elizabeth 2 a golden egg, we thought her haul was pretty good. But then the Wikileaks cables were leaked and we learnt that in 2008 Qaboos toured the Mediterranean on a yacht with a 700-strong entourage. Liz stuffed up. She got Prince William’s wedding gift but lost out on the free honeymoon. Kicks up the Qaboos all round…
Independent Uses Two Pages To Says Nation Could ‘Not Care Less’ About Prince William And Kate Middleton
The full report cover most of page 6. Again readers are reminded:
“William and Kate getting married? Indifferent nation couldn’t care less.”
WIKILEAKS has not only managed to local Prince Andrew but made him appear to be newsworthy. The story goes that Tatiana Gfoeller, Washington’s ambassador to Kyrgyzstan, spotted Airmiles Andy at a brunch.
Indeed, readers. Shock of shocks that American cultural imperialism now includes brunch in Kyrgyzstan. (Toss out the yak butter and horse milk surprise and make mine a tall stack of pancakes with syrup and a banana smoothie.)
The ambassador says Randy Andy spoke “cockily” to a gathering of eating British and Canadian businessmen and “verged on the rude“.
Again, a shock. Andrew was only nearly rude. He didn’t look at the women’s chests the entire time. Blame it on jet lag.
One cables says that – ready for this? – Prince Andrew goes hunting!
Jordanian King Abdullah II is a close friend of UAE Armed Forces Chief of Staff Muhammad bin Zayid Al-Nahyan (MbZ). The two frequently hunt — in Morocco and Tanzania — joined, more often than not, by England’s Prince Andrew.
Hunting for women? Hope so. Andrew has worked tirelessly to gain a reputation as a gadabout womaniser. Charles hunts. Andrew shags. Edward is not gay. Anne has tweed knickers. It’s just the way it is.
So. Andrew is rude. But over at the Telegraph, towards the top of the story, we learn that the Duke treated her with “with cordiality and respect”. This fact seems to have escaped the Guardian. Might it be that in the rush for transparency and the quest for freedom of information different new organs see what they want to see? And then there is the issue of actually taking these cables at face value and not questioning if they could have been manipulated in the chain between leaker and publisher? Is Wikileaks just Popbitch for politics?
The edited cable, as reported in the Guardian, goes:
“Rude language à la British … [Andrew] turned to the general issue of promoting British economic interests abroad. He railed at British anticorruption investigators, who had had the ‘idiocy’ of almost scuttling the al-Yamama deal with Saudi Arabia.”
Gfoeller is super smart and able to speak six languages. In that extract she speaks two at once. You want clever – you can’t handle clever, mon brave.
Half a day on from Wikileaks’ latest barrage and there’s still no update on one of the juiciest stories that we were promised details on. The Guardian, who has had access to all the leaks, is still keeping mum about some inappropriate remarks made by a member of the British Royal Family.
Although he has plenty of rivals in the foot in mouth league tables in the house of Windsor it is widely predicted that the Royal being referred to is in fact Prince Andrew – or Airmiles Andy as he is known these days thanks to his love of the old foreign jaunt.
Andy has plenty of form in this area too previously taking the US govt to task for not listening to British views on Iraq – a move which breaks royal protocol over what dukes can and can’t say about foreign governments.
So what do you think he has done now? Had a go at the Americans over Afghanistan? Suggested that a few of our former colonies, like the US and Ireland, might be better off being ruled by HM govt? Come on Wikikleaks and The Guardian, let’s have it.