KATE Middleton is behind the wheel of a blue Audi. To her side is an armed protection officer. This allows the Daily Express to talk about Princess Katherine’s death. The default position is to feel sorry for Kate. She’s the poor commoner tossed to the Windsor-Munsters. Her life will never be her own. Sure, she gets to be Queen and have tribes of people hang on her every word, but can she shop for knickers in privacy, go to the gym or throw up in her handbag in Faliraki.
The Express delivers the sombre news:
Since her engagement, Kate, 28, is entitled to protection at taxpayers’ expense and she now faces a lifetime of having a detective shadowing her every move.
KATE Middleton and Prince William’s bun tossing event at Abingdon County Hall Museum, Oxfordshire, hangs in the balance. The BBC has the headline of the day:
Royal wedding bun throw in Abingdon in doubt
Building work means that civic leaders might not get on to the roof to throw 4,000 cakes and buns.
Says Nigel Warner, clerk of Abingdon Town Council:
“It is something we cannot guarantee due to the repairs. The building is having a top to tail restoration with a new roof, new electrics, so at some points next year it will be very hard to get to the roof to throw the buns.”
What bout custard pies? Or fire extinguishers? Cometh the hour…
KATE Middleton’s father Michael will not be paying for her wedding to Prince William. So much for tradition. But this is not to say that the Middletons are not full of idea as to how best the thing should go. The family’s The Partypieces website, owned by Michael and Carole Middleton parent’s of Kate Middleton, has some great offers, especially on the non-eco plastic items and killer Chinese lanterns.
A general view of The Partypieces website, the company owned by Michael and Carole Middleton parent's of Kate Middleton.
But there is an “eco” section, on which you can find tips on how to create a do greener than Prince Charles’ Aston Martin and Air Miles stamps:
How about getting creative and with the help of your child making your own – this will give the party a personal touch and is a fun way of using pictures from old cards or even leaves and flowers from the garden. But without a doubt the greenest invitation of all is one that saves on stamps and trees.
…how about a paper tablecloth, suitable for recycling, or an old sheet that can be washed –
A few essentials for your hen party to do list – something to make your hen party stand out from the crowd-you don’t have to go full fancy dress but at least get everyone to wear head boppers, pink leis or feather boas.
Can Prince Edward come along?
Dress up the bride in embarrassing accessories- a learner plate is an iconic must! Organise some drinks and nibbles whilst you get ready. Don’t forget the dares – once your bride has had some bubbly get her to celebrate her final days of singledom with some girlie fun!!
For him there’s a club in Bournemouth, and a camp…
IF Kate Middleton was hoping to get away from comparisons to Princess Diana she’d best launch a pro-landmine charity fast. After the ring – William gave her Diana’s old engagement ring; the one his philandering father gave dead old mum – Princess Katherine, as she will be known, has been on a visit to Westminster Abbey.
KATE Middleton and Prince William are to be married and Anorak has licked its finger and pushed into the media orifice. Here are the best and worst of the media’s nodding heads and experts. Enjoy:
Each and every one us will be deeply affected by the looming royal marriage… – Peter Oborne, Daily Telegraph
Without British Airways there would be no Kate Middleton, so it seems proper payback that the national carrier will be a leading beneficiary of her marriage to Prince William. Untold thousands will fly with BA to London from across the globe for the holy wedlock of Prince William and the lovely Kate some time next spring or summer. And many, many more will fly out of Britain to escape it. – Matthew Norman, Independent
For Kate and William, their engagement has profound national significance. They will help form our collective imagination. They are now part of what we are as a nation, how we define ourselves as individuals. – Peter Oborne, Daily Telegraph
As somebody whose business it is to study the human heart… – Bel Mooney, Daily Mail
PRINCE William and Kate Middleton are engaged and an industry is born. Will they be William and Kate? Willate? Killiam? Kills? Is Kate the new Diana. Or is she her own woman, one who loves landmines – just loves them? There is much to decide as the brand is developed.
But in the meanwhile, what say the papers? Which paper is the most patriotic? Let’s see:
Independent: leads with the economic ruin of Ireland
You can hide and tidy to ignore it but the wedding chatter – the debate between flag waving Royalists and outraged Republicans – will not go away.
i (the little Indy’s front page): “Kate says: I Will”
PRINCE William and Kate Middleton’s impending marriage is summed up by Royal biographer Penny Junor. You see, Kate is not like Princess Diana, who currently lives on the fabled Sixth Floor of London’s Harvey Nicole department store.
Sure, Kate is wearing Diana’s ring and the papers are full of pictures and words comparing her to the celebrity princess. But… Well, here’s Penny making sense of it all:
Charles’s marriage to Diana in 1981 was widely viewed as a fairytale. This wedding will be the genuine article…
KATE Middleton is to marry Prince William. He’s put his mum’s ring on her finger. But there is trouble afoot. The One Show – the BBC’s early evening ball of loosen ends – says Kate Middleton is to marry Prince Andrew.
KATE Middleton and Prince William are to be married and the papers and news media are falling over themselves to cobble together the story to fill the need. But it’s hats off to the Daily Express for pressing f9 on the keyboard and conjuring up:
WHEN Kate Middleton marries into the Royal Family she will be following in Diana’s footsteps but does she have the potential to be the next People’s Princess?
God we hope so. But the Express must be hoping more than all of us. Fingers crossed for that paper’s survival that Katie doesn’t put on her seatbelt, has extra-marital sex and sticks her hair in a bun and her **** in a toaster.
PRINCE William and Kate Middleton are engaged and an industry is born. Will they be William and Kate? Willate? Killiam? There is much to decide as the brand is developed. But the merchandise is already hitting the shops. We’ve compiled a gallery of things you can already buy with Wills and Kate’s faces on:
KATE Middleton and Prince William and Princess Diana: There are three of them in this marriage. Wills have given Kate his mum’s engagement ring. The 18-carat white gold ring containing an oval blue sapphire surrounded by a cluster of 14 small diamonds was the one Prince Charles gave Diana in 1981. Says Wills:
“It was my way of making sure my mother didn’t miss out on today and the excitement and the fact that we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together.”
REMEMBRANCE Day: To your poppies, ladies. The Sunday ceremony at the Cenotaph, Whitehall, London is now all about who has the biggest poppy. Cherie Blair wore a squirting one that coats the unsuspecting sniffer in a serum of Teflon and the smell of wet wafer and washed cash. Sophie Wessex opted for a flower pot on her head…
HER Majesty The Queen’s Facebook site will hook up Buckingham Palace with the online community. The social network just climbed. The page will feature Royal events, ceremonies and the wonderful Court Circular. Prince Harry’s pink knickers will not get an airing…much…
PRINCE Harry was climbing a net over a pair of large guns during the launch of The Soldier Challenge 2011 at the Imperial War Museum, London. Harry – who at one staged offered the watching press out with beckoning finger of hope – looks so much like his dad Prince Charles that any myth of the James Hewitt gene can be dispelled. TV survivalist Bear Grylls resisted any urge to slaughter Harry, hollow him out and turn him into a cup…
THE Duchess of Cornwall was inspecting the ceremonial uniform of the mounted band of the Household Cavalry regiment today. The woman who made Prince Charles dream of being her tampon then proceeded to inspect a bevy of shiny helmets. Later, Camilla examined a saddle at close quarters. It’s easy, isn’t. Whatever Camilla does makes her seem smutty and, well, likeable.
She’s a bawdy tossback to an age when the Royal Family felt little need to be faithful. Produce a heir in an arranged marriage and shag everyone else at will. Camilla is thre blueblood that Diana pretended not to be.
CATS are now ordered and kept in buckets, or ‘small bins’ as Mary Bale and her acolytes might call them. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, was at Battersea Dogs’ and Cats’ Home to see the new cattery which offers refuge to up to 90 lost and abandoned cats and kittens. When found the cats appear to be stored in a bucket. How many cats can you get in a bargain bucket? That question to you, the owner of Shanghai Fried Chicken…
NOW that Queen Elizabeth II and Qatar’s Emir Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa al-Thani have had a chat is it safe to say that Harrods will restore the shops royal warrants – those flashy endorsements from the Queen, Duke of Edinburgh, the late Queen Mother and the Prince of Wales the former owner Mohamed Al Fayed had taken down and burnt? The Qatari Royal family own Harrods now, realised, correctly, that when abroad it’s always good to take your own tea-time favourites, or else buy a big shop to put them in ready for your arrival.
While the shopping is debated, get a load of those outfits. We’ve got a fine collection of photos of the meeting and the dinner, at which the Emir and Her Majesty vie with the military, the Duke of Edinburgh and the Emir’s wife Sheikha Mozah bint Nasser Al Missned (yep, bint) to see who can win the prize for the most outrageous, over-the-top outfit. Lady Gaga? She’s not fit to call herself a blueblood…
Britain's Queen Elizabeth II (2nd right) and the Duke of Edinburgh with Qatar's Emir Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa al-Thani (right) and his wife Sheikha Mozah bint Nasser Al Missned before a banquet held during their state visit at Windsor Castle.
PRINCE William and Katie Middleton were at a wedding. We got offered the photos. We thought Wills and middle-class had eloped and dunnit. But then we saw the photos, read the banns and learnt that Harry Mead and Rosie Bradford had married in the village of Northleach, Gloucestershire, Prince William and Kate Middleton had attended. Yeah Katie was doing the going home party bags and Wills was on security. Still, next time, eh…
THE President of Chile, Mr Sebastian Pinera, was given a rock star’s welcome at Downing Street, enjoying a ‘clap in‘ by Downing Street staff, a privilege normally only afforded to incoming British Prime Minister. Pinera then gave David Cameron a rock from the bottom of the San Jose mine, from where 33 minsters were rescued.
Chile has lots of rocks. It also has lots of copper and gold, the extraction of which was the driver for that mine being built. But now the rock might be worth more than the shiny stuff.
Pinera later gave a rock to Her Majesty The Queen at Buckingham Palace. Both Cameron and Liz’s rocks were small. This makes them look more precious. Stick the rock in a cardboard box with a bit of velvet and a certificate and – bish-bosh! – job done. Chile can palm these out at £50 a time and be rich.
QUEEN Elizabeth II pressed the button that released the bottle of white wine (there’s a recession on and saving must be made when launching a 92,000-tonne floating hotel) that smashed into the hull of Cunard’s newest cruise ship, the Queen Elizabeth in Southampton.
Jimmy Savile was there, too. No gold lamé tracksuit. Jimmy’s a patriot. He would not upstage the Queen. (And him related to The Duchess, and all.)
We also spotted: Sir Ben Kingsley, Carol Vorderman, Judith Chalmers, Esther Ranzen and former Coronation Street actress Liz Dawn; all of whom could play the Queen art various stages of her life…
Queen Elizabeth II views a portrait commissioned by Cunard, of herself in The Queen's Room, aboard Cunard's newest cruise ship , prior to Her Majesty naming the cruise ship, the Queen Elizabeth in Southampton.
THE Duck Of Devonshire is selling some of his stuff in the Chatsworth Attic sale. There are 20,000 objects in over 1,000 lots, ranging in value from £15 (a canvas pram) to £200,000 (a 16th century George II carved white marble fireplace). Some of this stuff is amazing, like the bookcase with the secret door through which the Prince of Wales (soon to be George IV) would move into an adjoining bedroom to meet his mistress. The Whore Door could be yours.
We’ve picked out the picks of the lots on offer at Sotherby’s this October. Fancy a crown? Take a look…