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Royal Family | Anorak - Part 29

Royal Family Category

The Royal Family, the House of Windsor, in the news and on a horse

Prince William, Mr Benn And Kate’s New Princess Diana

mr-wills-mr-benn.jpgPRINCE William and Kate Middleton are cooling things orf.

The News of the World reports that “he wants to put their love on hold while he concentrates on his military training”.

Having worked in the City, the Army, the Peace Corps and as an impresario, Wills is now learning to fly with the RAF.

Wills is not unlike Mr Benn, the children’s TV character who pops into a costumiers and by the process of magic gets in character and lives the dream for a while before moving on to the next adventure.

After the RAF, Wills will try his luck as a clown, a Prince Edward look-alike and a butler.

But before that he’s got the jets and with it the lifestyle of a single man as he agrees a “SECRET PACT” in which he and Kate will have little contact over the next year.

This will get Kate ready for a life married to a taciturn royal, as she adopts the Diana position.

A source says: “William has told Kate if they can survive this long stint apart then he’ll propose to her.”

She should watch the Telegraph’s Court Circular page for further updates, or, and Wills is ever the modern royal, the fax machine…

Posted: 24th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (7)


The Trials Of Paul Burrell And Princess Diana

burrell-book.jpgPAUL Burrell is in the newspapers.

“Burrell is recalled by judge,” says the Sun’s front page.

“NOW TELL THE TRUTH, BURRELL,” commands the Express on its cover.

The Diana inquest coroner, Lord Justice Scott Baker, has written to Burrell’s solicitor, asking him to return to London from Florida to explain himself and tell the truth.

The Express says that if found guilty of perjury could face up to 10 years in jail. “If” and “could” in the same line. Finally the Diana inquest is making progress.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 23rd, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Diana Another Day: MI6 C Section Sensation

diana-bond.jpgKILLED by SPECTRE under orders from Cock Robin and the man with The Grassy Knoll, we can reveal that Princess Diana was not murdered by MI6.

This was an idea touched upon in the book Paul Burrell: What Roger Moore Told Me. And now the Sun hears it confirmed by former “master spy” Sir Richard Dearlove.

The Sun listens in as Sir Richard addresses the Princess Diana inquiry.

Brace yourselves for a “fascinating insight into the working of the intelligence service”.

Come closer. Closer. Know that Sir Richard’s code name was “C” for…“Chief”. The Times leads with news that ten MI6 members have bene requested to appear at the inquest, the list thought to feature Chief Secretary Intelligence (CSI), District Organisational Zone Yemen head (DOZY) and Tim.

The paper says C was director of operations command of the “James Bond organisation” when Diana died. The James Bond thing is a myth.

C says there was no plot to kill Diana (D), listen to Diana nor become romantically entwined with Diana an an ocean liner (P&O), a plane (BA) or on a moving train (RMT)…

Posted: 21st, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Definitely Maybe Princess Diana Was Murdered

murder.jpgFOLLOWING Al Fayed’s “He Duns It” show at the High Court, it is the turn of Dodi Fayed’s “US assistant” Melissa Henning to take the stand.

(Yes, yes, we’ll get to you in a minute. Patience. Everyone will get their say.)

Via the Mirror, Di-ana-rakians hear Ms Hennigns say how Dodi Fayed “‘deeply believed a Royal Family plot to kill her was possibility.”

Believe, Possible. Maybe…

Posted: 20th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (10)


Mohamed Al Fayed’s Off The Cuff Remarks

alfayed.jpgMOHAMED al Fayed is on the cover of the nation’s newspapers. Mohamed al Fayed has been speaking about all things Princess Diana and Dodi. Mohammed al Fayed, he says lots.

For reasons unexplained, Mr Fayed has chosen the moment of his greatest attraction to dispense with his usual outfit of skin-tight double-breasted suit and vomit-‘n’-cuff shirts, those stripy shirts with white collar and cuffs he has made his own. Fayed appears in a dark blue suit with large check pattern, and a similarly designed shirt over a blue turtleneck top.

In all papers, Mr Fayed is pictured raising his hand to the air like Topol’s impish wife asking him off the bloody roof get, or else looking like a very small man pleading with the much taller sweetshop owner to help him reach the top shelf.

The news:

DOILY MIRROR (front page): “HORRIBILIS”

“Charles wanted Di dead to wed Camilla,” and baked in a pie with all the poor blackbirds, innit, like Robert Kilroy-Silk, Elvis, Anthea Turner and Lee Harvey Oswald?

“Philip’s a Nazi..go back to Germany!” – He like Ken Hitler to that fuggign Klaus Barbie woman. That Osama bin Laden and Philip have never been seen in same room at same time. Shock. Is truth!

DOILY MAIL: “Al Fayed tells inquest Prince Philip’s a racist Nazi called Frankenstein, Camilla is a crocodile and royals are a ‘Dracula family’.” Still he insists.. I’M NOT MAD”.

THE SUN: “IS HE OFF HIS FAYED?”

THE STAR: “VAMPIRE ROYALS KILLED DI”

DOILY ESPRESS: “’Prince Philip and Blair ordered murder. And the Queen, he adds, bought off Burrell”

It’s all just so fanciful that , given how implausible life can be – see the tabloids every day – there remains the chance that Mr Fayed is hitting upon some kind of truth.

If you can spot it – and if the agents from SPECTRE don’t get you first – let us know what the truth is…

Posted: 19th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (9)


Mohammed AL Fayed On Princess Diana, Philip Frankenstein And Reptilian Royals

MR Al-Fayed is at the High Court.

Says he: “It’s time to send him back to Germany from where he comes. You want to know his original name? It ends with Frankenstein.”

We check the facts. Prince Philippos of Greece was born…

“She told me that she knew Prince Philip and Prince Charles were trying to get rid of her.” The Roayls? “”That Dracula family.” And Camilla “his crocodile wife”. Someone call David Icke.

Still checking…

“Diana told me on the telephone that she was pregnant. I’m the only person they told. They told me they were engaged and would announce their engagement on Monday morning. She would speak to her sons when she returned from Paris.”

Shall we check that, too?

“You want me to get the proof but I am facing a steel wall from the security services. I have been fighting for 10 years to be where we are.”

Still checking…

Mr Al Fayed has a theory. Anything could have happened. Although not that his son died because he was not wearing a seat belt, in a car driven well in excess of the speed limit, by a driver who had nearly three times the permitted amount of alcohol in his blood. That is utter madnsss…

Posted: 18th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comments (10)


Paul Burrell ‘Lied’ Over Princess Diana

the-rock1.jpgPAUL Burrell: “I lied to Di inquest.” It is time for Paul Burrell to break his silence.

The Sun has seen a video. It’s an exclusive. The Telegraph has seen it too.

Before Burrell: Royal Lies can hit the shelves, Burrell is on a video. The Sun says it was “uncovered”, but declines to say how.

For the tape, Burrell is, as is alleged, heard to, say: “I told the truth as far as I could — but I didn’t tell the whole truth. Perjury is not a nice thing to have to contemplate.”

Burrell: My Perjury – In this week’s instalment Burrell recalls how he and Diana’s lover Atticus Finch never believed Tom Robinson guilty of rape and made his stand accordingly…

He goes on: “I was very naughty and I made a couple of red herrings, and I couldn’t help doing it. I know you shouldn’t play with justice and I know it’s illegal and I realise how serious it is. Maybe I didn’t tell the whole truth.”

Burrell: My Whole Truth will be Paul Burrell’s fifteenth book on his time with Princess Diana and her quest to win the X Factor…

Says Burrell: “Do you honestly think I am actually going to sit there in a court of law and tip out my guts and tell them? That’s what he wanted me to do — the judge — to actually tell them what I know, all the secrets. No! You know me better than that.”

Burrell: My Integrity is a work based on Princess Diana’s time working undercover at a garden centre in East Grinstead…

“Do you honestly think I’ve told everything I know? Of course I haven’t,” he goes on. “Do you honestly think I am actually going to sit there in a court of law and tip out my guts and tell them? That’s what he wanted me to do — the judge — to actually tell them what I know, all the secrets. No! You know me better than that.”

Burrell: My Guts is the story of one man who can stomach no more…

Says Burrell: “They don’t get it in Britain. They think I’m living off the death of the Princess and off her name. I don’t have a Princess Diana doll that I am selling throughout America. I would make a fortune. But I don’t do that. So I get tarred and feathered for things I haven’t done. My brand isn’t in Britain, I will never be forgotten in Britain.”

Burrell: What A Doll reveals a different secret with each pull of the string…

Says Burrell: “Quite frankly, Britain can f*** off. I don’t want to go back to Britain. The crunch will be when the Queen dies and Charles becomes King and ‘She’ becomes Queen. At that time I will be very happy to give back my British passport. It’s either that or to chain myself to the railings of Buckingham Palace.”

Burrell: My Suffrage – the story the Queen Mother’s romance with the Pankhurst girls

“Greedy Burrell” goes on: “That’s why I am here (in the US) indefinitely. I was here today to close a deal with my jewellery — royal jewellery I designed myself, just diamonds. I keep adding to my licensing programme. I don’t have to think about Britain any more. Britain’s a tiny little place.”

Burrell: The UK Is Shrinking – A Global Warming Crisis is available in hardback…

Posted: 18th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)


HooRAH Henry, Prince William’s Oasis Is Shattered

prince-william.jpgPRINCE William and Prince Harry are RAHS.

This, as Grazia magazine tells us, means they are “Royals And Heiresses”. They are HooRAH Henrys. No big departure for HooRAY Henrys (Rich And Young), but on such details are the reputations of magazines made.

Wills and Harry Baseball Cap are also “the new Noel and Liam”, believed not to be Irish footballer of yore Liam Brady and resurgent TV personality Noel Edmonds, rather Liam and Noel Gallagher, popular singers and champions of wrapping up in a chill wind. (“Hoods and Anoraks on, kids!” is their catchphrase.)

No sign of a scarf and woolly hat for Wills on the Mail’s front page, but he is sat before 14 bottles of alcopops and two pints of lager.

Can it be that having dabbled in the City, the Armed Forces and as a peacenik, Wills is now learning to be a hellraising rock ‘n’ roll star?

William and the clubber slashed with a bottle,” comes the headline. And we wonder some more.

“Our future king on a boys’ night out. An hour later in the same nightclub, a reveller is slashed with a broken bottle.”

Are the two things linked? “ROYAL EXCLUSIVE,” announces the Star on its front page. “WILLS GLASS ATTACK HORROR.”

Wills is on a “larger and vodka bender”. He is “caught up in a vicious attack”. There is a “bloodbath”.

To the Barracuda club in Newquay, Cornwall.

I WAS BOTTLED AT PRINCE WILLIAMS £1-A-DRINK PUB.” So says the Mirror’s front-page headline, which makes it seem as though Wills is drinking for research purposes, having opened a nice little boozer on the south coast.

But look out! Dan O’Callaghan has “just spotted Wills” and his. Dan is having a row with two men. A broken bottle is introduced to his face. And 25 stitches later (35 stitches, says the Mail) he is speaking to the Mirror.

“I watched Wills down £1 drinks… then thugs did THIS to my face,” says the headline, a neat surmising of the night’s events.

Are the two events linked? Did looking at Wills earn Dan a bottling, or glassing as the Star has it, exclusively?

In what way are the two things connected? We need to know. This one could run and run…

Posted: 14th, February 2008 | In: Grazia, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Fears Over Sienna Miller, The New Princess Diana

sienna-miller.jpgTO a courtroom in West London. Professional girlfriend Sienna Miller is addressing the gathered.

The Sun hears Miller recall the moment when Otis Ferry, son to Bryan Ferry, snatched the keys from two photographers’ cars “to stop them chasing his brother Isaac – who she was then dating – last year”.

Why did he do this? Says the Sun: “Ferry told cops he feared they would die like Princess Diana.”

Young Otis is not sent down, nor up, as his name demands, but cleared of criminal damage.

Sienna Miller survives to be blonde another day…

Posted: 12th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Princes On Wheels: Harry and Wills Do Africa

prince_harry_and_william.jpgMONEY is no object for Prince Harry and Prince William.

Young Baseball Cap and Wills can do as they please, go where they like and empty the hotel mini bar – nuts, Pringles, the lot! – with not a care.

As is the way of the very rich, they enjoy experiencing poverty, spending their spare time digging wells in South America, hugging orphans in Lesotho and binge drinking.

Now the Mail reports that Harry and Wills are planning a trip to Africa. They will make the 1,000 miles journey through the dark continent on motorbikes.

The middle classes take coaches and trains, the rich take private jets, and the super rich go it the hard way.

Says the Mail: “They have the added advantage of local knowledge from Prince Harry’s on-off girlfriend Chelsy.”

Who knew Chelsy was a bush tracker? Apologies all round for believing Chelsy found watering holes and a places to lay her head within the pages of Abercrombie and Kent’s Africa brochure.

So now there’s nothing to stop Harry Baseball Cap and Wills from embarking on their adventure. And as soon as the sponsorship forms have gone out, and the locals formed into orderly crowds lining the roads and waving, the sooner the lads can be on their merry way…

Posted: 11th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Life Below The Stairwell: Sarah Ferguson Is Matthew Parris

sarah-ferguson.jpgSARAH Ferguson has been “slumming it” in a £40-a-night bed-and-breakfast.

“What’s this?” you say. We knew Her Majesty is a good landlady and requires little by way of market-based rent from her lodgers but only breakfast? Surely, Liz can stretch to a light sponge and a jar of tea?

It turns out that Ferguson has taken part in a project to see how the other half live, walking about some of the county’s deprived estates and shopping with “low-income mothers” in Hull.

One may expert that Fergie took along her daughters in a bid to show them that life is not all taffeta and horses, but with EastEnders and Ski Sunday on the telly, they probably know that already. So she didn’t.

Although they can check out life below the concrete stairwell because Fergie went equipped with an ITV camera crew.

Fergie In Action 

Says Fergie: “This show is from the heart and is a progression from my 11 years with Weight Watchers.”

You see, the underclass are fat, and not in good way, but full of jelly roll, murder burgers and addictives.

Fergie is conducting a social experiment. She has got “footie fit”, able to run the length of football pitch without being out of breath. And not on a horse, but actually running, in hells, skirts hitched up and everything.

It is all not unlike the 1980s programme World in Action” – For the Benefit of Mr. Parris.

Back in Thatcher’s Britain, then Tory MP Matthew Parris tried living for a week in Newcastle upon Tyne on the £26.80 which was at the time a single unemployed man’s supplementary benefit.

He failed miserably. But as Parris writes in his newspaper column: “A couple of months later I was famous, and I never really looked back, quitting politics the following year for television and journalism. That programme made me.”

His is a success story, and one Fergie is keen to repeat. Chuck in some science on junk food, a look at property hot spots to go with the football and the realism, and Fergie could be the ubiquitous face of TV for years to come…

Posted: 6th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)


Royal Air Force: Princes Andrew And Eddie Venture Forth

prince-andrew.jpgTHE tabloid rule dictates that pictures of Prince Andrew should feature him with head rolled back and teeth bared in a bray.

Wherever possible, a four iron or putter should be inserted between said teeth.

The putter is out of shot, but the Mail captures Andrew in the mode as he prepares to board a flight to America. For his tour of the former colonies, Andrew will have at his service a 12-seater plane, available at a cost to the British taxpayer of £100,000.

Says his spokesman: “Given the number of engagements this is the only way of doing it.”

But surely, we could find a cheaper solution. Why not send both Andrew and his brother Edward on the trip and so cut down on the expense of a plane?

Each can be passed off as Prince Andrew, or at a push Princess Anne, to the Americans, who should not spot the difference, especially if Eddie can be persuaded to travel everywhere with a golf club tucked under his arm and Andrew takes to wearing a jester’s hat…

Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)


LA Calls For Britney Spears Personal Safety Zone

spears-police.jpgSAYS Los Angeles City Councilman Dennis Zine: “I don’t want a repeat of what happened to Princess Diana with a celebrity in Los Angeles.”

What happened to Princess Diana with a celebrity in LA? Does Paul Burrell know? Will the controversy never end?

Mr Zine goes on: “We had to have 12 officers escort [Spears] to the hospital that if not for paparazzi would have been used to prevent crime somewhere else.”

The argument for the escort is to protect the public from “dangers posed by the horde of celebrity photographers pursuing the pop star”. Zine says paparazzi are increasingly endangering celebrities and bystanders with their aggressive behavior and car pursuits. The city needs 12 officers in cars and helicopters to calm the situation.

Of course, if so many police are available to protect Britney Spears and Angelinos from photographers, might it mean that they were not too busy protecting them from murderers, thieves and processing criminals? Or are snappers the sink of all humanity?

“It is a major issue we have to address. We are in a celebrity town,” says Zine. “Celebrities have a right to live in peace and freedom.”

Police Chief William J. Bratton sheds light on the matter by saying Spears is “certainly in great need of assistance”. Such is the celebrity police.

The solution put forward by Zine is not for more crime, meaning less available officers, rather for a minimum “personal safety zone” around individuals targeted by the media. He suggests a zone of clear space in order to protect public safety on streets, sidewalks and at access points to emergency care facilities and private businesses and homes.

It is a cracking idea. We look forward to it being implemented, and Spears walking down a street in the centre of a protective mobile police cordon*.

“Nothing to see here, folks”, say the cops, their keen eyes looking not in at the celebrity in their midst, rather out, scouring the scene for photographers and other nefarious forces…

* Police officers are encouraged to get an agent and enunciate.

Posted: 2nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family | Comment


Feel The Burn With Sarah Ferguson

hell.jpg“THE Duchess of York nearly burnt her house down yesterday after leaving a scented candle alight in a toilet.”

So reports the Sun in story that could only be more blessed with Anorak’s pet irritants had Fergie been distracted from her housework by the sight of Noel Edmonds’ conversations with God on Deal Or No Deal.

It is a little known truth that the fires of hell are infused with the scent of roses, David Beckham Instinct and lavender. This is something even the good folks at the Westboro Baptist Church believe to awful to reveal to sinners. (Their Heath Ledger tribute can be read here.)

Hell may also feature Fergie dressed in a Laura Ashley-print Leotard inviting you to measure her waist and then guess her weight, for eternity…

Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Toff Shop: Kate Moss And Princess Beatrice Go Shopping

beatrice-fergie.jpgWE no longer keep up with the Royal Family, but seek to be their betters.

A survey of what Anorak’s typing pool knows of Her Majesty reveals that she keeps breakfast cereals in Tupperware boxes, enjoys Kirsty’s Home Videos on the telly and manages racing pigeons.

The Queen is, of course, so afar above us that she has no need to care. While OK! celebrities plump the cushions and wear suits shiny enough to shave in, Royals slum it in cords and Wellington boots.

Thoughts turn to such matters as we read in the Star that Princess Beatrice is to go shopping with Kate Moss. The shopping spree will happen in New York, where many Britons head in search of a bargain.

The royal PR campaign to make the Family seem normal continues unabated, not derailed by Prince Edward’s business failings, Prince Harry’s non-combatant Army role and Prince Andrew’s golf tour.

Says a source: “Shopping with style icon Kate is a dream come true…She is already excited about mixing vintage, second hand stuff with High Street labels and designer gear.”

To complete the common look, and burnish Bea’s street cred, the Windsor is said to have asked Kate for security advice. “Kate has recommended two female protection officers who she knows well.”

They’ll be the ones in classic black..

Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Prince Edward Soldiers On

PRINCE Edward’s son is unwell.

James Wessex is scooped up and rushed to hospital. At Great Ormond Street, mum, Sophie Wessex, waits for news.

Says a palace spokeswoman in the Mirror: “James suffered a minor allergic reaction. It’s not lifethreatening and not serious.”

Phew!

“Edward continued with his royal duties yesterday, despite his son’s condition.”

Phew!!

“The spokeswoman said the prince’s diary had not been altered because of the hospital visit.”

Phew-eee!!!

Posted: 26th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Goths And Pet Lover Banned From Bus

goths-lead.jpgYOU wait ages for a bus story and then three come along at once. See here and here. This is tale of the Goth who walks his girlfriend on a leash.

And when he’s not taking her for a walkies, Dani Graves is taking Tasha Maltby on the bus. Readers may expect to see a picture of Miss Maltby with her head pushed out an open window, her tongue lolled out as the bus hurtles along.

But Tasha, 19, and her fiance, Dani, 25, have not been allowed to get on the bus in Dewsbury, West Yorkshire. They claim the driver told them: “We don’t let freaks and dogs like you on.”

Paul Adcock, operations director of Arriva Yorkshire, responds: “Arriva takes any allegation of discrimination very seriously and have interviewed the driver regarding Mr Graves’ claims.

“Our primary concern is passenger safety and while the couple are very welcome to travel on our buses, we are asking that Miss Maltby remove her dog lead before boarding the bus.

“It could be dangerous for the couple and other passengers if a driver had to brake sharply while Miss Maltby was wearing the lead. We are writing to Mr Graves to apologise for any distress caused by the way this matter was handled.”

No pun intended…

Posted: 23rd, January 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comments (4)


Paul Burell’s New Look

burrell.jpgA VISIT to the Paul Burrell’s official website (Burrell: Diana and My Website) reveals the message: “Temporarily closed, for updates and a new look… come back soon.”

A new book? No, a new look? Didn’t he give the dresses back?

Posted: 21st, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Buckingham Palace Snubs Kiwis

SIR Edmind Hillarey is dead. And our dear Royals: “Buckingham Palace has decided not to send a member of the royal family to Sir Edmund Hillary’s funeral in what will be seen as a snub to one of the country’s greatest legends.”

Are they saying that Prince Edward is too busy?

Posted: 20th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)


Royals Flee On The Queen’s Flight

prince-william-at-airforce-training1.jpgPRINCE William is leaning to fly planes. He is not the only Royal flyer. The Prince of Wales, The Duke of York and The Earl of Wessex can all fly a plane. It is the cause of much excitement on the cover of Hello! magazine.

Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother once took the controls of the de Havilland Comet I jet. She told us: “I am delighted to tell you that today I took over as first pilot of a Comet aircraft. We exceeded a reading of 0.8 Mach at 40,000 ft. What the passengers thought, I really wouldn’t like to say! Elizabeth R., Hon. Air Commodore, 600 Squadron.”

King George VI, King Edward VIII, the Duke of Gloucester and the Duke of Kent all learnt to fly in the 1920s and 1930s.

Either the Royals like to get away from it all, or else they are preparing for an evacuation. Hence, the Queen’s Flight, literally.

Come the revolution, the Windsors will be many thousands of feet up in the air, each in a separate aircraft lest they all perish as one and Sarah Ferguson is the last remaining member of their tribe and proclaimed Queen…

Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Hello!, Royal Family | Comment (1)


Princess Of Tides: Streisand At Diana’s Mousetrap

mousetrap1.jpgTHE Princess Diana Inquest is vying with the Mousetrap to be the longest running show in town.

“It’s the cleverest murder mystery of the British theatre!” – Telegraph

“A truly entertaining classic thriller” – Sunday Times

“A fuggin’ murderous Royal night out” – Daily Express

Whodunnit? Was it the copper, Sergeant Trotter, played in the Express by Paul Condon, the former Metropolitan police commissioner, Britain’s top copper at the time of Diana’s death?

Michael Mansfield, QC for Mohammed Al Fayed, puts it to Mr Condon that he was up to no good. He puts it to Mr Condon that he was part of a “criminal conspiracy”.

Condon says that is a “blatant lie”. And: “But I find the suggestion, even though I respect your right to raise it, as totally abhorrent, offensive, and would actually mean that I am a murderer or, in essence, part of a murderous conspiracy”.

The audience gasps. A body stirs. “I’m mad and my husband agrees,” says Diana, who could be dressed in a Newcastle United replica kit with “I’m mad me,” inked on the back.

“He wants me treated in a home.”

A Ms Barbra Streisand listens. She is in conversation with Diana in 1992 at the film premier of the film the . The comments were overheard by Diana’s “interior designer pal” Roberto Devorik.

Says Devorik: “It’s my belief the man she loved until she closed her eyes was the Prince of Wales.”

Intermission…

Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Paul Burrell: Diana And The ‘Pitiful Charade’

the-rock.jpgPAUL Burrell is at the Princess Diana inquest. He has in his possession a “last secret”.

What happens next leads to the “humiliation of Burrell” (Express) and a “FLOP SECRET” (Sun).

It was high time Burrell broke his silence. He owes it to Diana. And now he is ready.

The court waits. The room is alive with speculation. Would this be the moment Burrell reveals how the Queen Mother made a pass at him and when rebuffed threatened to reveal how Diana had asked for his hand in marriage and had worked incognito as a Lenny Henry lookalike for two years?…

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 16th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Princess Diana’s Is The Media’s Whore

prostitute.jpgNO easy thing to breathe new life into the Princess Diana legend.

But her mother Frances Shand Kydd has made good fist at it by calling her daughter a “WHORE”.

Kydd, who looks like Michael Caine in drag, gives rise to the front-page headlines: “YOU WHORE DIANA” (Sun), “DIANA YOU ARE A WHORE” (Express), “THE DAY DIANA’S MOTHER CALLED HER A WHORE (Mail) and “DIANA WAS A WHORE” (Star).

The shock may have affected the papers’ ability to pun and make light of news. But it can be hoped that this development has opened up new and exciting avenues for Diana and her official merchandisers.

Look out for the Diana’ Telephone Kiosk Calling Card (embossed and bearing the legend “By Royal Appointment”), the Diana Doll (with realistic tilting head) and the Diana: No Hire Love, a 500-page study on Diana’s knicker drawer by Paul Burrell…

Posted: 15th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Sarkozy And Bruni Pay Queen’s Bed And Board

sarkozy-bruni.jpgPRESIDENT Nicolas Sarkozy of France is to visit Her Majesty the Queen on his first State Visit to the United Kingdom since becoming President of the French Republic.

The State Visit will begin on 26 March 2008 at Windsor Castle and will last until 28 March 2008.

And the Sun’s Fergus Shanahan reports that “snooty courtiers” (are there any other kind?) want separate rooms for Sarkozy and his leggy lover Carla Bruni. This, we are told, is because they are unmarried.

Perhaps a compromise can be reached and two single beds be divided by a bedside table, or a member of the household cavalry?

But, hold on, five pages earlier, the same paper reports: “Sarkozy has wed his Carla.” Surely now the President and his wife can share a double bed and not have to meet in secret by the big tree…?

Posted: 15th, January 2008 | In: Politicians, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Paul Burrell Rocks Up

the-rock.jpgVACUUM the carpet and dust off your Man At Diana dress, Paul Burrell is arrived in town.

There’s Burrell on the covers of the Mail and Express. He’s appearing at the Princess Diana Inquest.

“Diana’s ‘rock’ faces a grilling…will he drop a bombshell?” asks the paper. Or will he save it for his next book?
A world waits…

Posted: 14th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)