Royal Family | Anorak - Part 30

Royal Family Category

The Royal Family, the House of Windsor, in the news and on a horse

Princess Diana’s Circle Of Tears Drops

THE Circle Of Tears, the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain, is sinking.

Bob Munroe, billed in the Mail as an “engineering expert”, says the fountain should be rebuilt from scratch.

“It’s a disaster,” says he. “Hundreds of litres of water [tears] are leaking away every day and as a result it’s causing subsidence and making the paths rise and buckle.”

This rebuild would mean more expense, which seems fitting for the woman who is now centre stage in £10million inquest into her death.

And where there is Diana there is opinion. A spokesman for the Royal Parks Agency says: “The fountain is not an engineering disaster. It is not sinking, subsiding or leaking hundreds of litres of water a day.”

This one could run and run. Look out for a Daily Express (“Is Diana crying?) and Prince Philip with a sledgehammer…

Posted: 4th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (8)

Power Corrupts: Royal Family Warned On Global Warming

lights.jpgTHE rapture of the Al Goreans has touched the Bishop of Norwich, the Rt Rev Graham James.

Addressing a congregation at St Mary Magdalene Church, Norfolk (the Royal Family in attendance), the Bishop says: “Some people, I have noticed around here, turn their houses into minor ecological disaster zones.”

The Queen’s Sandringham estate was, as the Telegraph notes on its front page, lit up by half a mile of fairy lights.

Whether aimed at the Windsors or not, the Bishop’s point is noted. And we commend to his attention another story in the Telegraph: “London’s £1.3m big bang to welcome in 2008.”

The picture is of the London Eye Ferris Wheel lit up like a massive halo. Of course, this is a picture from last year. And in the spirit of Recycling we urge all revelers along London’s South bank to party like it’s 1999 and thrill to the River of Fire.

Anorak will be handing out pictures of that event (blink and you miss it), and encouraging party goers to nod in appreciation (breathing, whooping, and cheering only add to global warming).

It’s what the Bishop would want…

The Queen Mother is be exhumed and her remains scatterd by a sapling in London’s Green Park, Prince Charles ears are to be fitted with solar panels and  Prince William encouraged to breathe only when absolutely necessary

Posted: 31st, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Royal Family | Comment (1)

Princess Diana Is Now A Joke

CAN we laugh at Princess Diana, in public. Did we laugh at Madeleine McCann?

I once heard Jerry Sadowitz deliver a fake news bulletin: “Here is the news – Princess Diana put her hair in a bun and her **** in a toaster”.

Now this on the BBC:

Can we laugh? Is there a time frame for these things?

Posted: 28th, December 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)

Prince Edward Names Baby

edward-baby.jpgEDWARD Wessex and his blonde Sophie cradle their knockout newborn son and show him off to the world. “Beaming Sophie” (Express) and “delighted” Eddie (Mail) could not be happier.

All that remains is to choose a name. Viscount Severn will open doors, but bookmakers tell the Mail the “most likely” choice is Archie at 8-1. The Express agrees and says it’s James at 3-1.


The top 10 candidates are as follows:

1. Mohammed
2. RJH Public Relations
3. Mini-Series
4. Mazher Mahmood
5. My Edward’s Not Gay
6. Rover
7. Ardent
8. Edward Formerly-Known-As-Prince
9. Joker
10. Jules

Posted: 21st, December 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Princess Diana Warns Camilla

diana-car.jpgTHE Princess Diana inquest moves on and on and on, and the Express has a front-page headline: “CHARLES PLANS TO MURDER ME – Seen for the first time, Diana’s anguished letter naming her husband in car ‘accident’ death plot”.

Readers are drawn towards “Diana’s distinctive large, rounded hand”. The news gets more and more intriguing, and readers wonder how Diana managed to conceal this apparent deformity from view for so long. Answers to the usual address.

But the Royals are good at keeping secrets. Only last week we learned that Prince Philip, far from being a man who had made Diana “fear for her life” (Express) was “Dearest Pa”, a nice old boy she could turn to for advice.

Now writes Diana: “I’m sitting here at my desk today in October, longing for someone to hug me and encourage me to keep strong and hold my head high. This particular phase in my life is the most dangerous. My husband is planning ‘an accident’ in my car, break failure and serious head injury in order to make it clear for him to marry Tiggy [Legge-Bourke, the nanny]. Camilla is nothing but a decoy.”

How more right could Diana have been? Spooky.

Perhaps now Camilla will take more care, choosing to wear her seat belt while hurtling through the streets of Paris with her playboy lover…

Posted: 20th, December 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (3)

Nine Looks At Queen Elizabeth’s Bruise

queen-elizabeth-bruise.jpgHER Majesty the Queen has a bruise on her neck.

The Express features the blemish on its front page. “Mystery of the Queen’s bruise,” it announces. Inside: “How did one get a bruise?”

DAILY EXPRESS: “’PHILIP IN PLOT TO KILL QUEEN’” – Mohammed Al Fayed says the Queen has been targeted by SPECTRE. “That man from Oncle,” he knows, says Mr Fayed. “Give him call”









Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (4)

Prince Edward Is Reproduced

prince-edward.jpgIT is Prince Edward on the Daily Mail’s front page.

Hard to spot, admittedly, with no baseball cap and not being dressed up as a root vegetable for a game of knockabout fun on It’s A Knockout, but that is the The Weed In Tweed alright, the royal who makes living filming his immediate family members and their homes.

The news is that not only has Eddie been spotted but that he is now reproduced. He and his wife Sophie Essex have given birth to boy, a second child.

Stood by a hospital and drawing on hi experience in theatre, Eddie says the new child is “cute and cuddly”.

The image would only be improved upon were Eddie to be delivering his tribute to mother and baby while clutching a teddy, preferably one of his own…

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Pa For The Course: Testing Princess Diana And Prince Philip

diana-philip.jpgWHAT excitement on hearing that Prince Philip’s letters to Princess Diana have been made public at the inquest into her death.

Philip is famously Greek, and Diana was partial to a foreign gentleman. Might more be revealed than anyone could have dared think?

“Thank you for taking the time to respond to my letter,” writes Philip in fluent English. “I hope this means we can continue to make use of this form of communication since there appears to be very little other opportunity to exchange views.”

Philip’s letters are typed. Diana’s letters all begin “Dearest Pa” and are all handwritten.

Experts will cue up to comment on that. But we wonder if there is not something odd about calling your in-laws mum and dad, pa or ma? If they are your mother, what does that make your spouse – your brother, your sister? Should such name calling be encouraged?

“DEAREST PA,” says the Mail’s front-page headline. “Revealed: Intimate letters between Diana and Philip.”

It all depends on how you read these missives. The Mail sees a bond in the edited letters. The Express reads the same letters and asks: “Did Philip want Diana dead?”

In years to come one imagines that question forming the basis of an A-level exam, students invited to quote the set texts: Daily Express 1997-2007; Paul Burrell Volumes I to XI and Philips Letters – The Who The Hell Are You? collection.

Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (10)

Walk (About) On: Her Majesty The Queen Calms Down

queen-elizabeth-liverpool.jpgWE live in an age where every high street from Land’s End to John O’Groats looks the same, and the spice of regional difference is lost in the cloying custard of conformity… or something.

Even local accents are under threat, as “Estuary English” has now been noted as far north as Scotland.

So it’s good to learn that there’s one place where you can still hear an old-fashioned Liverpool or London accent. And it won’t surprise you to learn that the place in question is that bastion of tradition, Buckingham Palace.

“SCOUSE OF WINDSOR,” declares the Sun, below a picture of HRH The Queen, with a speech bubble bearing the royal legend: “Calm down, calm down.”

The story relates to an interview (“approved by the palace”) with Angela Kelly. In case that name is unfamiliar, you might know her better by her official title: Personal Assistant, Adviser and Curator to Her Majesty The Queen (Jewellery, Insignias and Wardrobe).

The paper reports that, according to Angela, the Queen is “a dead ringer for a Scouser”. And Angela should know, as she hails from the ‘Pool herself.

“I love the Queen and everything about her,” says the 55-year-old mother of three. “I adore her, then so does everyone.”

We do indeed. But what about this Scouse business?

“The Queen has a wicked sense of humour, and is a great mimic,” reveals Angela.

Well, we all know that – she’s always mimicking that bored-looking woman in a hat. You know, the one with the catchphrase, “And what do you do, then?”

But there’s more…

“She can do all the accents,” says Angela admiringly. “Including mine.”

The paper reminds us that this is “not the first time details of the Queen’s love of mimicking accents has come to light”. A few years ago Princess Michael of Kent told how the Queen “likes to put on a Cockney accent”.

Stalk On 

All perfectly splendid, of course, but isn’t there a danger that all this accent-hopping might encourage her loyal subjects to become a trifle over-familiar?

Not as long as Angela is around. The paper reassures us that the personable PA “knows her place”.

“I would never overstep the mark and I remain in awe of the Queen,” she vows.

Angela allows herself a moment of melancholy, as is said to be traditional among Scousers. “If I died tomorrow,” she reflects, “my girls have been trained to make sure that the Queen’s life carries on smoothly without me.”

In the meantime, though, there is much to look forward to. “I hope the Queen and I grow old together,” she says simply.

And so say all of us. The thought of Her Majesty having to master a Polish accent at her advanced age is quite unacceptable.

This royal story is now officially finished, and you may sit down if you wish.

Posted: 10th, December 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Prince Harry Stops Smoking And Seeks New Job

princeharry.jpgON the sober field of beige that is the Royal Family, stands Prince Harry, the flame-haired champion of drinking (hoorah!), puffing (hooray!) and groping (he’s behind you!).But now comes news in the Mirror that Harry Baseball Cap has given up the evil weed (that one too, we’d wager). News is that Harry, a 20-a-day man in the prime, has stopped smoking.

It could be argued that with Harry’s hands employed twirling his smoke, they are less likely to cause him to problems.

Indeed, had only his father Charles spent his idle moments smoking he might have embarked on hobbies more enduring and edifying than befriending begonias and being fascinated by tampons.

Now Prince Harry is a non-smoker. No, it’s worse than that – he’s a reformed smoker. As the Mirror says: “Now he’s said to have conquered his addiction, Harry’s next job will be to work on his South African girlfriend – Chelsy Davy, 22, who is known to be fiond of a crafty drag.”

Of almost girlfriend. The Mail says Harry is “desperate to win her back”.

And keen to do something with his hands…

Posted: 3rd, December 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Respect Due: Would You Curtsey To Camilla Or Bono?

americanroyalty.jpgTHE Mail has a question: “Would you CURTSEY to Camilla?”

“Cherie wouldn’t. Sarah Brown graciously did. But by bending the knee to royalty, the PM’s wife sparked a furious debate…”

We would have it that the question was thrown open and the nodding heads lined up by the Mail invited to say who they would show deference to.

Ingrid Tarrant says “YES” she would curtsey to Camilla, should Camilla ever be in her local Surrey butcher’s say, or wine bar. But would she extend the same courtesy to Bob Geldof, Anthea Turner or Jordan?

Maeve Haren, Rosie Millard, Melanie McDonagh, Margaret Cook and Victoria Coren all says “NO”. They are all writers by trade or, heaven help us, journalists.

Would any of them prefer to appear with the rich and the celebrated rather then the merely royal? Sarah Brown genuflects for Camilla; Gordon Brown bends at the knee of the Arctic Monkeys.

The hereditaries are barred from the House of Lords, replaced by Lord Hucknell of Manchester, Lord Bono of G8 and Lady Fiona Phillips. It is not a class thing, as Cherie Blair might well have supposed, rather one of respect. And who do you respect, Camilla or the new Queen of the celebrity jungle, or American royalty..?

Picture: 14 

Posted: 27th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Princess Diana Could Have Been Pregnant, Maybe

diana.jpg“DIANA – She could have been pregnant expert tells jury.”

The Daily Express brings news on its front page of Princess Diana. Inside and: “Doctor admits: Diana may have been newly pregnant.”

Diana fans will enjoy the word “admits”. In the white heat of the inquest Dr Robert Chapman is left with no choice other then to admit that had Diana been in the very early stages of pregnancy there would have been no way of his knowing.

Dr Chapman is the home office pathologist who conducted Diana’s post-mortem.

Now at last there is value to be found in the £10million inquest. This is progress.

“Princess Diana was not pregnant when she died and was only enjoying a ‘friendship” with Dodi Fayed,” the Mail hears Diana’s driver Colin Tebbutt say on the record.

But, Mr Tebbutt, we put it to you that COULD have been pregnant. Admit that, at least. We all of us must.

Dr Chapman says he did not see any “indication when examining Diana’s uterus and ovaries” of the princess’s pregnancy.

As the Telegraph front page says: “DIANA INQUEST – ‘NO SIGN SHE WAS PREGNANT’.”

But that Diana could have been one, two or three weeks pregnant has been established. Now the case can finally move on and we can find out if Diana COULD have been planning to wear brown in town, COULD have been set for a bout of adult acne and COULD have been a natural brunette…

Posted: 27th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (8)

Jam Today: Prince Charles And Camilla Get Stood Up

charles-camilla-meal.jpgPRINCE Charles and his flavoursome wife Camilla are at table.

Many other guests at the banquet of Commonwealth Prime Ministers are not in evidence. The room is less busy than the Wembley conference hall booked for the Stave McClaren Appreciation Society.

There is no sign of Gordon Brown and his wife Sarah. When they do arrive, as the Express notes, “They told him they got caught up in a traffic jam of official cars.”

Prince Charles is pictured smiling broadly. The Express says “Charles’ popularity is on the wane”. The no-show is evidence of a “snub”. Charles smiles.

The paper senses opposition to his marriage to Camilla. This is why leaders decided not to attend. Some claim to be “too tired”, as the Mail notes.

And Charles smiles. Why?

For starters, with less diners there is more food to around. And with less travel, the meal produces a smaller carbon footprint, Mr Brown’s motorcade, notwithstanding.

And then there is the chatter. As the small talk dries after 10 or 15 minutes, Charles can make a ready quip about the availability of seats, their being no need to book ahead and his wife’s aftershave…

Posted: 26th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment

Princess Beatrice: An ‘Unusual’ Royal Euphermism

SAY the Mail: “Princess Perfect: How Beatrice is turning into a most unusual young royal.”

Answers to the usual adress as to what “unusual” means… 

Posted: 25th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Her Majesty Queen Does A Diana: Portrait Unveiled

queen-portrait.jpgHER Majesty the Queen is in Uganda.

There she has been offered a portrait of she and Prince Philip, as painted by one Joackim Onyangeo Nedalo. He has travelled from his native Kenya to present Her Majesty with his work, which took him three months to complete.

Mr Nedalo will be delighted to know that “his picture was drawn to her attention as she drove past in her bullet-proof Range Rover”.

No time to stop as Her Majesty heads for what the Times calls a “Diana moment”.

No, she’s not shopping, romancing a soldier or placing her hair in a bun. The Queen is shaking the hand of an ill man. As the Times notes: “Stephen Wakodo is HIV positive. Yesterday he shook hands with the Queen in Uganda. The occasion was a first for both of them.”

Mr Wakodo has not shaken hands with the Queen before, nor with Diana, who is pictured pressing the flesh of HIV patient Shane Snape back in 1987.

There are many firsts in this event – the Queen has never “knowingly” met an HIV sufferer before; never before met an HIV patient while wearing a lime green dress; never before met Mr Wakodo.

It is also the first time Her Majesty has been alikened to Diana, of whom portraits are in ready supply…

Posted: 23rd, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment

Zara Phillips Outrages Daily Mail’s Blue Stockings With Black Bra

zara_philips_and_gold_medals.jpgFOR those of you unable to attend the Red Cross Ball in London the Mail has a picture on its Page 3 of young Zara Philips and a “generous among of flesh”.

The paper’s readers will shocked and dismayed to see that the young royal has chosen to wear a Roberto Cavalli dress “tied at the midriff with a black ribbon… cut so low it gave fellow revellers at the Honky Tonk Blues themed event more than a glimpse of her cleavage and black bra”.

Letters of complaint, with supportive artwork, should be addressed to the usual address in a secure brown paper envelope…

Posted: 23rd, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment

Princess Diana’s Five Lovers: A Play

“DIANA: FIVE LOVERS NAMED,” says the Mail’s front-page headline.

“THE FIVE LOVERS” is not the title of the latest book on the life of the celebrity Princess – “afterwards deified” –an attempt to give her life a classical Seutonian bent.

It is, rather, a look at some of the lovers Diana experienced during her lifetime.
Interestingly only one of the five has written a book on the Princess. James Hewitt, (“Cavalry Man!”) has penned Moving On, which opens: “I had started a new life. My army career was over after seventeen years and I was now running the Eversfield Manor Equitation Centre in Devon.”


He also wrote Love and War, a book that features the Princess Diana quote on its cover page: “Yes, I adored him. Yes, I was in love with him.”

Readers may imagine those words to have been directed at Hewitt, but they could just as easily be applied to James Gilbey (Squidgy”), Oliver Hoare (“Art dealer”), Will Carling (“rugby star”) and Barry Mannakee, (“Bodyguard”).


Diana’s former private secretary Michael Gibbons tells the inquest into his former employer’s death that he detected “disapproval” from within the royal circles.

Gibbons has yet to pen a book on his thoughts, but Diana: A Gentleman Caller and Diana: Quick – The Window! a bedroom farce in five acts cannot be too long in the offing…

Posted: 22nd, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (19)

Keeping Up The Moss Posse: Princess Beatrice Joins The Establishment

kate_moss.jpgRAISED on starry histories of It’s A Royal Knockout and the history of Annabelle’s nightclub, Princess Beatrice is now ready to emerge as a royal in her own reckoning.

In “Bea’s night out”, the flame-haired princess arrives for a “royal birthday bash”. At 9pm, the Mail spots Beatrice arrive at Soho’s Cocoon eatery. It is the occasion of cousin Peter ‘Pete’ Phillips’ 30th birthday.

Here are the young royals eating at a table that can be hired by anyone. They then repair to club Volstead, a venue run by the same company that owns the restaurant. Perhaps the royals have done a TwoFor pub-club deal?

In this “exclusive members” club, the motto is “sobriety has its place”. And here are today’s royals. Here’s William turning to Prince Harry, and, as reported by the Sun, saying: “You’re now the official royal gooseberry.” An insider says the group “fell about laughing”, marvelling at Wills’ clever way with words, since we all know Harry as the royal strawberry.

But there are no shots of drinks and tales of drugs and excess. So Bea goes looking. It is 1pm and she is heading to Shoreditch in East London.

It is the occasion of one Davina Taylor’s party. Taylor is notably a friend to Kate Moss, and Sienna Miller, Jade Jagger and Kelly Osbourne. And Naomi Campbell. They are the nation’s celebrity establishment.

And Bea’s eyes grow wide. And wider yet. Does he hang out with this new establishment with their drugs, dances and debauchery? Or with the old Establishment, who are so anti-Establishment they eat in a restaurant and dance in public?

Decisions. Decisions…

Posted: 19th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)

HRH And Prince Philip: Nine Facts About A Royal Marriage

queen-philip.jpgBUCKINGHAM Palace has revealed 60 facts to mark the diamond wedding anniversary of the Queen and Duke of Edinburgh.

We have unearthed nine more:

1. Philip once brought out his own fragrance. “Gaff” came in a spear-shaped bottle. Other fragrances mooted were “Patience” by Prince Charles, “Green” by Prince Andrew, “Stable” by Princess Anne and “Knockout” by Prince Edward

2. HRH and Philip’s favourite song is They Can’t Take That Away From Me by Edmund Hockridge

3. The Queen’s favourite question is “What do you do”. This is followed by “And you are?”, “Pleased to meet you?”, “What exactly do you do?” and “Are you one of Eddie’s friends?”

4. Her Majesty’s favourite joke was when the Mirror’s journalist posed as a butler and she replaced her normal breakfast packet of salt ‘n’ vinegar Monster Munch with Tupperware boxes of cereals. Philip’s finds anything by Hale & Pace “funny ha-ha”

5. The Queen’s top five Corgis ever are: Pickles, Onion, Salt, Vinegar and Yorkie

6. Philip is £5 up in the bet to see how many Royal marriages he and Liz can out last

7. Of the 2,500 presents HRH and Phil received from well-wishers on the occasion of their marriage, just 24 are left, the rest passed on to visiting statesmen and Princess Michael of Kent

8. HRH is a frequent caller to Windsor Magic FM’s late night talk show That’s Windsor Magic

9. Liz and Philip plan to renew their vows and feature in a 24-page photo special in Hello! magazine, but only if David Beckham and Victoria are able to attend

Posted: 18th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (8)

Prince Andrew In Near Jet Horror

“ANDREW in jet scare,” says the Mirror, ever watchful of the goings and goings again of Prince Andrew.

But the news is not so bad as it seems, and Andrew HAS managed to catch a jet to a private engagement in Edinburgh.

The Mirror mentions something about landing gear problems, but Andrew managed to get through…

Posted: 14th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Prince Harry: Good Egg, Bad Egg, Curate’s Egg

harry-chelsy.jpgPrince Harry – A discussion…

LET’S have a heated debate!

And today’s subject, courtesy of the Daily McCann (formerly Daily Diana, formerly Daily Express) is… “ISN’T IT ABOUT TIME PRINCE HARRY STOPPED FEELING SORRY FOR HIMSELF?”

Yes, says Simon Edge. Harry is stupid, gullible and has a revolting circle of friends. “Those are not my words,” says Edge, “but those of Mark Boland, the royal PR advisor who massaged the public.”

Oh, sorry, there’s more…

“…massaged the public into acceptance of the Duchess of Cornwall.”

Anyway, Simon reckons Harry is a thoroughly bad egg, or “roistering yob” as he puts it.

Meanwhile Jenny Selway, in the pro-Harry corner, says much the same, making free use of phrases such as “obnoxious” and “Hooray Henry”.

But she thinks we should spare a thought for the misguided prince on the grounds that (a) he’s nice to kids in a caring charity work way, and (b) he is vulnerable and needs his mum.

According to Jenny, men in their late teens and early twenties “phone to ask the questions they’d feel too silly to ask anyone else, they phone to touch base, they phone to ask how to boil an egg. Who does Harry phone?”

Well, call us old-fashioned, but how many men over the age of ten phone their mothers for this kind of hand-holding?

As for the egg question, we suggest Harry phones his dad. Likely answer: “Ask the chap who squeezes your toothpaste onto the brush – he should be able to get cook to rustle you up an egg or two.”

Posted: 13th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (18)

Princess Diana Inquest: A Whitewash

diana_princess_of_wales.jpgNEWS of the Princess Diana Inquest. It is Day 3665 AD (After Diana. And the Express shows no sign of tiring.

“DIANA INQUEST: IT’S A FARCE,” says the Express on its front page. “The truth stays hidden as key French experts dodge giving evidence to coroner.”

(Today, the Express’ Princess Diana-ometer is smiling, but her eyes belie an inner upset. Her earrings are diamond and pearl. Her teeth are a brilliant and white. The weather will be cloudy with scattered showers.)

The Express says this latest injustice will “outrage those who believe the French authorities are sabotaging the £10million inquest”.

The very real danger is that the inquest will be inconclusive.

“Do you believe the Diana inquiry will be a whitewash?” asks the Express in its phone poll, words more loaded than Prince Philip’s pheasant gun. Yes? No?

Diana tilts her head to one side and smiles as best she is able…

Posted: 12th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Prince Harry And Chelsy Split: Situations Vacant

IT was Craig Brown who brought to the world Prince Harry’s Ode To Pomp: “When I marry, It’ll be in fancy dress – And I’ll come as Rudolf Hess.”

Of course that was satire. When he marries, Prince Harry will take on the full weight of the occasion with a sartorial display of dark baseball cap, new sneakers and a T-shirt bearing the legend “FCUK Marriage”.

But such a time will have to wait as the Mail brings news that Harry and “miserable” Davy have split.

It is reported that Davy “needs space” to “carve out her own identity”.

A “friend close to Chelsy” tells The Mail on Sunday: “This is not an over-for-good situation. Chelsy and Harry both love each other very much.”

A senior Palace aide confirms: “The relationship is over. It has simply run its course. Harry will be carrying on his Army career and Chelsy will continue her studies.”

And while Chelsy whittles, we happen up the Mail’s second Prince Harry feature: “Send me to Afghanistan or I’ll quit Army.”

“Harry has said he is at rock bottom,” a close friend says. “He is upset, angry and frustrated and feels completely redundant. He is basically doing nothing…He has said he is a troop leader without a troop.”

Harry is not some inedible ornament with a passion for dressing up in military garb. Says the source: “The MoD are going to have to figure something out. If they don’t, Harry has said he will think about pursuing his charity work and go back to Africa. He is desperate to do something that will give him a sense of purpose.”

But Harry is not alone. He might not have Chelsy, but if wants a sounding post he could consult with other men of his family and consider golfing, talking to plants and finding a use for Prince Edward…

Posted: 11th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Princess Diana: Romuald Rat Found At Work

“DIANA FARCE,” announces the Sun. “Jury is told cops can’t find paparazzi witness.” And: “Sun finds snapper at TV station in an HOUR.”

Less a farce than the very best investigative journalism, the paper tracking down French cameraman Romuald Rat to the TV station where he works. In France.

As the Express puts it: “A bid to force the paparazzi to give evidence…has been rebuffed by France.” It could “derail the hearing”.

Might the inquest into Diana’s death prove inconclusive? After so much conjecture, official reporting and made-for-TV filming will we never know why Diana died?

As the Mail announces: “Seatbelts ‘would have saved the lives of Diana and Dodi’.”

“Clunck-click-click-click-click-flash every trip” as the advert advises…

Posted: 7th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Princess Diana Pin-Ups And Paul Burrell’s Four Poster

“ROYAL rat’s new life in the sun,” says the Express, a fact illustrated by pictures of Paul Burrell and the equally shy Princess Diana.

“DIANA she was betrayed by Burrell,” states the caption beneath today’s Diana-omter (outlook sunny with a slight tilt of the head).

Burrell, author of Burrell: Diana & Me; Diana: Me & Diana and Burrell: Burrell is, as reported, in Florida. He is staying at his “little palace in the sun”, a compact and bijou residence as befitting a former servant. The place features five bedrooms, “several bathrooms” and a “state-of-the-art kitchen”.

“Friends say he admits pinching himself when he wakes in his four-poster to make sure he’s not dreaming.” He then turns in his bed of princesses to face his wife, the lovely Maria, and realises that he isn’t.

But life is good. And Burrell’s fortune is not in Diana memorabilia, rather in “teapots, rugs and wines”. The collection is named Royal Butler Collection, or The Dregs as below staffers call it.

Says Burrell: “I have been very careful not to exploit of abuse my position.”

Read about that in Burrell: My Secrets, Burrell: A Sense Of Senselessness and Burrell: Collected Histories & Thimbles.

Posted: 5th, November 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (10)