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The Royal Family, the House of Windsor, in the news and on a horse

The Queen Brings Sarkozy To Elevated Heels

french-president-heels.jpgHER Majesty is meeting with M. Sarkozy:

All this is dressed up in glowing terms as, “a new Franco-British brotherhood,” with Nick telling us that we ought to get together as “we have the same enemies throughout the world.” Not quite right is that.

He forgot to count the French.

Source 

Posted: 26th, March 2008 | In: Politicians, Royal Family | Comments (2)


John McCain Calls Up Prince William To Iraq

prince-harry-mccain.pngSAYS John McCain: “I regret that Harry’s service was short-circuited by the unnecessary publication of his presence in Afghanistan.”

John McCain is talking about Prince Harry, leader of the Ronald McDonald Army.

“His willingness and his eagerness to serve provides an inspiration to other young men and women to serve the cause of freedom in Afghanistan.

“All of us Americans and British are proud of him. Americans admire the Royal Family. I respect and admire the Royal Family and I think those two young princes are very good role models.

“I would like to see Prince William serve if it is possible.”

Just as soon as Wills gets back from Baghdad, we’ll pass on the message from his would-be commander in chief…

D’oh!

Picture: via Jay

Posted: 21st, March 2008 | In: Politicians, Royal Family | Comment


Paul Burrell Is Attached To An Icon

paul-burrell-windsor.jpgPAUL Burrell is the Rock, appearing in furniture shop in Memphis, Tennessee.

The Sun sees him. He sees the Sun: “This is what happens when you are attached to an icon. You get followed wherever you go and people take your picture. That’s why I’ve come to live in America — the greatest country in the world because that doesn’t happen in America.”

Britney Spears nods. The Paul Burrell revelations keep on coming.

Says Burrell: “I tell it as it is, I tell it straight — that’s who I am, I can’t change who I am. I tell it as it is and some people don’t like that but I am telling the truth, just the truth.”

If people don’t want to hear that the late Prince Margaret told him in confidence that he was the son she always wanted, and truly had, then so be it. If they don’t want to hear that the Queen Mother would blush at the mention of Omar Sharif and carry in her pocket a picture of Dodi Fayed, then that it is not his problem. And if he did look at Diana’s notebook and see that she had written his name ‘King Paul’ and encircled it in a crown, then the truth does out.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 13th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Prince Harry Reloaded In Lego

lego-prince-harry.pngIT’S “Rambo royal Prince Harry”.

War changes you. That much is certain. Gone are Prince Harry Baseball Cap’s twinkling eyes, his ruddy complexion and his toothsome grin.

In its place are the alloyed features of a warrior. Eyes are black pits, windows on an inner hell. Unblinking. Staring. Not there. The skin is yellow, jaundiced by his time on the frontline.

Harry seems no longer a man. He is a shell. Hollow.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 12th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)


New Pictures Of Prince Harry In Afghanistan

prince-harry-afghanistan.jpgPRINCE Harry has been waging the War On Terror. Tally-ban.

The plans is simple. Read it here: Prince Harry Leads The Ronald McDonald Army To Victory in Iraq…

All part of the plan, of course. Harry arrives. The Army stick red wigs on their own heads and atop each passing camel. The enemy charges about firing at everything. And they are picked off.

We win. Ronald McDonald gets a foothold in Iraq. And all is right with the world.

Hurrah!

Tally-ban!

Posted: 10th, March 2008 | In: Photojournalism, Royal Family | Comment


Prince Harry And The Media

A SOLIDER is said to have tried to sell pictures of Prince Harry in Afghanistan to The Sun. The paper declined to publish them until Harry was on his way home:

British media, including The Observer, agreed not to report Harry’s deployment throughout his time in Afghanistan. ‘Obviously people in theatre knew about it, and it was extremely unlikely that no one would attempt to try to leak stuff. There were never any guarantees,’ said one source. ‘But all in all it went pretty well.’

Troops serving alongside Harry were warned not to tell their families at home about the royal in their midst. Harry himself later admitted that there had been a couple of occasions when the deal might not have held without behind-the-scenes help from the British media in alerting officials to potential leaks.

One soldier. One. A united army. A united media. Things mgiht not be so bad…

Posted: 9th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Royal Family | Comment


Paul Burrell: A Life In Books

the-rock11.jpgIN “Burrell: I Won’t Come Back To Face The Music”, Express readers get a new insight into Paul Burrell latest tome.

In this work, Paul Burrell “faces a police investigation into allegations of perjury”.

And: “Now he could become the subject of a Scotland Yard investigation when the inquest ends next month.”

“WILL DIANA’S ROCK END UP IN THE DOCK?” asks the Mirror. In Burrell: My Dock Hell you will learn that Burrell “faces arrest the next time he sets foot in Britain after refusing to return to be questioned about whether he lied at her inquest”.

Did Diana really listen to Terry Wogan in the morning? Did Diana once hide in a chest freezer for seven full minutes? Did Diana cough twice on June 15 1995 in a signal that only Burrell knew the meaning of? Now read on…

“WANTED,” says the Sun’s front page headline. “PAUL BURRELL aka ‘THE BOTTLER’.”

“He could now be extradited to face perjury charges.”

Read Burrell: Dark Forces in all papers…

Posted: 7th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Prince Harry Is In Chelsea In Chelsy, And Vice Versa

“HARRY’S BACK IN CHELSEA,” say the Sun’s front-page headline.

Adolescent innuendo for our “HOMECOMING HERO”? Our just our twisted minds working on a headline illustrated by a picture of Harry (Tally-ban!) and his lover Chelsy Davy (Tally-beau!).

And the news that Harry is back in Chelsea, “partying with pals”.

But the Sun so loves a pun (“hostilities between them are over”) and a literary nudge and wink (“They spent their first three days together ‘catching up’”) that you start looking for a joke in every line.

Better, then, to turn to the Mail and learn the facts that “Harry’s back on party duty”.

No joking, subtlety or snide malice there…

Posted: 6th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Death Cult: Prince Harry Is ‘Expendable’ To Americans

OUR American allies are discussing Prince Harry and the War on Terror:

‘Good Morning America’ co-host Chris Cuomo joked on Monday’s show that Britain’s Prince Harry “has been over in Afghanistan fighting because he’s expendable.” Fellow host Robin Roberts appeared somewhat shocked by the comment and sputtered, “What did you say?” Cuomo, who was previewing an ABC special on the royals, didn’t back off his assertion and reiterated, “It’s true. The reason that Harry is allowed to be in Afghanistan is because he’s not the heir to the throne. William’s not allowed to be there.”

Do we know that William is not there?

How Americans love to imagine leaders being killed. The Barack Obama Death Cult is in full swing…

The Barack Obama Death Cult
The Barack Obama Death Cult II

Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)


Princess Diana: The Summer Wine Years

compo-diana.jpg“DIANA WORE WIG TO MEET LOVER IN CLUB.”

Finally the truth is out.

The Star says Princess Diana wore a wig to meet her former lover Hasnat Khan in Ronnie Scott’s Jazz Club, London. Had the wig not been topped by a discreet crown, Mr Hasnat might not have recognised her.

But we have seen Diana is disguise. And in our new book Diana: I Was Compo, Anorak explores how Diana played the part of lovable rogue Compo in TV’s Last Of The Summer Wine for three seasons…

Princess Diana 

Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Princess Diana, Hasnat Khan And Al Fayed’s Protection Money

di-khan.pngIT’S 3839 AD (After Diana) and there is news of the princess’s love life, as ever there was and will be.

“Diana dumped me for Dodi, says Hasnet,” says the Express on its front page.

For purposes of recognition, Diana wears a black dress and pearl-drop earrings. At first look, she appears alive, waiting for the photographer to reload his film and give her a break from being the country’s celebrity princess. But no break comes.

(Anorak readers can read Diana: The Cover Girl Years, a book in which a selection of the only people never to have met Diana comment on her hairstyles over the past ten years.)

Today’s Diana news also features on the Mail’s foremost page, where Diana is dressed in a white shroud-like robe. To her side is Dr Hasnat Khan, the man she dumped because she was “dazzled by the Fayed family fortune”.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Prince Harry Wants To Be Like Everyone Else

RECESS Monkey says that Prince Harry would like to be treated just like everyone else save for:

…primogeniture, corporation tax, inheritance tax, capital gains tax and wildlife protection laws.

Tim responds:

Primogeniture means that it’s his older brother who will inherit. So, fair enough, he might be against it. The corporation, inheritance and CGT issues: well, they’re all to do with the Duchy of Cornwall. Which, as a result of the primogeniture issue won’t go to Harry, but to, umm, his older brother.

As for assassinating wildlife, that’s what the aristocracy is for, isn’t it

Tally-ban!

Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Money, Royal Family | Comment


Prince Harry Earns His Promotion To Bikini Blast

prince-william-harry1.jpgONE man’s pay packet is the nation’s front-page news as the Mirror leads with: “£11 RISE FOR HARRY.”

Young Prince Harry Baseball Cap has been promoted to the rank of Lieutenant and seen his wages rocket by £11 a day.

A look over the menu at Mayfair’s Mahiki venue reveals that Harry can afford one daily glass of Moh’hee’toh (£10.50) as the sun sets over the yard arm, with enough spare change for a toilet wallah’s tip.

Save up and it’s a Bikini Blast (£22) restorative. And save harder still for a Mahiki Treasure Chest (£100), “the one the generals drink.”

“Will he ever see action again?” asks the Mail on its cover. Well, if he drinks enough Harry may feel a little punchy, and the paparazzi may care to step back.

On closer inspection, it turns out the Mail is talking of Harry’s war record and wondering if her will make a return to the front line.

What’s Next For Harry? 

Given the secrecy levels afforded to his last deployment, it is unlikely the Mail will be able to form a definitive answer. So we wonder. “What’s next for Harry?” asks the Mirror.

Well, Mahiki doesn’t open until 5.30 this Saturday, so we’d place our money on a trip to Boujis (Evens). Killing a Stag (3-1). Hooking up with Chelsy and going on holiday (8-11). Or following in his mother’s footsteps and starting a new life in Bahrain (5-1).

Expert opinion is needed. So the Mail invites Royal Raspberry James Whitaker to suggest Harry will stay in the Army. And someone called Malcolm Dawkins says Harry should settle in South Africa. Harry, it turns out, is the same age as Dawkins’ son Ross who is studying wine-making at Stellenbosch University near Cape Town, and making his dad proud.

It’s an idea. Especially if the college does a course on cocktail making…

Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Jon Snow Has ‘No Contact With Ordinary Human Feeling’

JON Snow has in an instant shown what is wrong with the self-aggrandizing media elite:

Using the oldest and falsest royal chestnut, he accused the editors who had made the agreement of seeking knighthoods. He must know that, except for a few restricted orders in the Queen’s personal gift, honours come from a system controlled by the Prime Minister.

Then Snow claimed to be horrified that so much fuss was being made to do a special favour to “so small a thing as a prince”. What other free country would connive at such a cover-up, he wondered?

Why, he jeered, did Prince Harry have to be a soldier anyway? “He could do banking.” Were the press so servile, asked Snow, with an absurdity of bad taste, that “if he gets injured or shot dead, the papers wouldn’t report that”?

The three people on the show – the editor who had brokered the deal, a Tory MP and a man who had served recently in the Army – looked at Snow almost with incomprehension.

It was one of those moments when one realised that some media people have no contact with ordinary human feeling. Prince Harry was not being given a privilege. His situation was unique.

More here 

Posted: 2nd, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Royal Family | Comments (3)


Hunting With Harry: Prince Harry At Highgrove

prince-harry-hat.jpgPRINCE Harry’s War. Scene III. A room in highgrove house…

MAIL: (loudly) HARRY’S HOME. (Purses lips) Chelsy makes 200-mile dash for a romantic reunion.. and to talk about their relationship. (The clack of marmalade-coated tongues can be heard)
Were you so terribly lonely, Harry?

EXPRESS: Harry’s home and Chelsy’s waiting

Where the f*** have you been. Ten week’s I’ve been sat ‘ere!?

MIRROR: (Standing to attention and reading from a small black notebook) She “was out night-clubbing until the early hours before packing her stuff and dashing down the motorway to see Harry… The blonde danced the night away at Rio’s nightclub in the centre of Leeds with a group of mainly female friends until after 4am.

Harry stares at the wall 

She looked stunning in a black dress at the club, which costs £10 to get in. Under six hours later she emerged from her student digs in the city and dragged a huge blue case to her car.

Nothing moves, save for the TV images of Ross Kemp on Gangs 

Clutching hair straigheners and a folder of college work, she also placed her beloved mongrel puppy into the passenger seat.

Sah!

STAR ON SUNDAY: Harry’s home

Harry’s back at Boujis

OBSERVER: (Wearing ‘We’re all Hezbollah’ now T-shirt) Harry tells of ‘anguish’ over injured heroes

Did you record it, Chelsy? What about the EastEnders omnibus?

SUNDAY TIMES: ‘I’M NO HERO’ SAYS PRINCE HARRY

SUNDAY MAIL: “There was outrage in Australia last week when Central Coast Mariners star Andre Gumprecht dressed up as Hitler at a club party. The 33-year-old German followed Prince Harry’s lead by turning up in a Nazi uniform and even went a step further by sporting a dodgy moustache.

Will they never leave him be. Why do they stare?!

Curtains

A cave.

GEORGE GALLOWAY: Prince Harry was saying on TV that he was engaging the enemy. I don’t know about you, but I have no enemies in Afghanistan. The Taliban are not the enemy for me.

Lights dim. The sound of thunder and a white Fiat Uno starting up  

Posted: 2nd, March 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Prince Harry And Jon Snow’s Enigma

PRINCE Harry and media padre Jon Snow’s reaction to news that young Baseball Cap was fighting in Afghanistan:

A question I’d like to put to Jon Snow, the chief news reader of Channel 4 news and usually a fairly cool-headed fellow, is whether he would have complied with any wartime requests to keep the Enigma achievement a secret, had he been a working journalist in the 1940s. Judging by his antics over the Prince Harry and Afghanistan episode, the answer to that question would be a no.

Anyone else like Snow to be sent to the frontline..?

Posted: 2nd, March 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comments (3)


Hunting With Harry: The War On Terror Won, Prince Harry Returns Home

harry-hunting.pngPRINCE Harry’s War. Scene II: We rejoin the action on the tarmac at Brize Norton airbase. The UK Media Corps is discussing the news that Prince Harry is returned home a hero after winning the War on Terror.

Now read on…

ALL: THEY say Harry is back. He walks among us…

MEDIA CORPS: Tally-ban!

EXPRESS (Lance Corporal): TARGET HARRY

Shhh! Those “British fanatics” might hear you and take it as a call to arms

MAIL (Lieutenant): TERROR TARGET HARRY
STAR (Private): HARRY IS TOP TERROR TARGET – Prince home but not safe

Quick! To Boujis. It’s a lock in. Hurry!

MIRROR: THE BOY WHO WOULD NOT DIE

They say he is covered in a teflon coating and he has a heart twice the size of a normal man

THE TIMES (Major): The Prince returns a hero and an enemy

TELEGRAPH (Brigadier, retired): Let me go back, please Harry

But, Harry, it’s Boujis. You remmber, Boujis? Oh, how the war changes them

GUARDIAN (Peace Corps): Dirty Harry – dog of war, or prince of public relations?

Harry run. A price is on your head. Max Clifford and the Taliban are after you. Run, Harry, run…

Caption Contest – With a prize

Prince Harry

Posted: 1st, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Prince William Already With Royal Navy In Afghanistan: Breaking

prince-william-harry.jpgPRINCE William is off to war.

With the spare retuned, the heir can now move freely about the enemy, slaughtering them at will. Hurrah!

The Sun says Wills is to serve aboard a Royal Navy warship. More details are not given.

We will need to wait for our allies in the US to pinpoint Wills’ exact location and make it public knowledge.

For any Taliban looking in, Anorak can revels that Afghanistan is a landlocked a country and Wills will be onboard a “frigate” or a “destroyer”.

Posted: 1st, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Prince Harry Lands At Brize Norton

PRINCE Harry lands at Brize Norton tomorrow.

Book the booth at Boijis.

Tally-ban!

Posted: 29th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Matt Drudge Is An Idiot, So Too Jon Snow

AS Perry writes on Samizdata: “The Ministry of Defence is to be commended (not often I write that) for the way they have handled Prince Harry going to Afghanistan. Aware that knowledge of his presence would greatly increase the risk to him and those serving with him (killing a Royal Prince would be a propaganda coup for the Taliban), they hid the fact for ten weeks, which is no small feat in this day and age. Their tactic was to both appeal to reason and to in effect ‘buy off’ the highly competitive UK media by promising juicy photos of Harry if they kept their collective cakeholes shut whilst he was deployed… quite clever really and it is a credit to the wiser heads amongst the UK press that they could see there was no broader ‘public interest’ at stake here (quite the opposite in fact).”

I am all for the media and new media reporting the news and in particular news that the powers-that-be might be discomforted by. However reporting a wartime operation detail likely to increase the chance particular group of serving soldiers will attacked by the enemy (namely revealing the presence of a political ‘high value target’ in the war zone) fall way outside acceptable behaviour. Even if you oppose the war, such behaviour suggest you are not so much against the war as actually on the other side. It is at the very least socially despicable and quite frankly giving aid to an enemy in wartime. Unsurprisingly that is something far beyond the ken of a dim bulb like that self-important idiotarian ass Jon Snow.

MATT Drudge and the German Newspapers were not the first to mention where Prince Harry had been deployed, that dubious ‘honour’ goes to the Australian publication New Idea, who have at least expressed regret that they blew Prince Harry’s cover, suggesting they may be guilt of a lack of thought rather than callous disregard for someone’s safety in a war zone. The MoD kept quiet when New Ideafirst broke the story, suggesting they rather sensibly assumed an Australian woman’s magazine was probably not high on the reading list of many Muslim fundamentalists and indeed it took over a month for it to get picked up elsewhere. But the person who really moved this into wider circulation and got the story picked up globally was Matt Drudge. Although the Berliner Kurier and Bild also reported this, Drudge was at some point claiming this as an ‘exclusive’ and claiming the ‘credit’ for himself, so I willtake him at his word and call him an honourless shit in that case.

Perry is right. Drudge is a pillock. And Jon Snow is a fool…

Prince Harry Plays At Tabloid Soldiers: Matt Drudge Reads New Ideas

Posted: 29th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)


Prince Harry Plays At Tabloid Soldiers: Matt Drudge Reads New Ideas

prince-harry.jpgWE join the action in the wastes of Helmland Province, Afghanistan. The UK Media Corps is discussing the news that Prince Harry has been fighting the Taliban, something they all knew weeks ago but which was made public by New Ideas magazine in January, an Australian woman’s weekly- and claimed as a scoop in March by the self-serving Matt Drudge:

PSSST! They say Prince Harry is in Afghanistan.

MEDIA CORPS: Hurrah! Tally-ban!

Shhh!

EXPRESS (Lance Corporal): HARRY THE SECRET HERO.
STAR (Private): “WHEN HARRY MET TALI”

Shhhhh!

EXPRESS: “Harry and the Gurkas give the Taliban a pasting.”

Keep it down, lads. Mindless chatter costs lives and..

SUN (Private): “ONE OF OUR BOYS. Frontline prince kills 30 Taliban.
MIRROR (Corporal): MY WAR

It’s Operation Harry. All the lads have pulled on their regulation issue Harry Hair and to the cry “I’m Harry Windsor” attracted the Taliban from their fox holes and caves, so facilitating an easier slaughter?

SUN: WIDOW 67

Keep it down. We can’t have the enemy knowing Harry’s secret call sign…

SUN: “Wills says mum would be so proud.”

Diana was ever one for the Army. And khaki is this year’s black…

MIRROR: “MUM IS LOOKING DOWN ON ME”

Don’t be so hard on yourself, Harry

SUN: Tears on the phone to his Chelsy”

ANDY McNAB (Professional Shoadow): “I’m gutted for Prince Harry. I really feel for the fella as reports from the front line were that he’d been doing a sensational job… but the foreign press who leaked the tour of duty have now blown Harry’s chances out of the water…The leak has now thrown a potential hand-grenade into his career.”

Take cover!

MAIL (Lieutenant): “Harry puts his life on the line”

JON SNOW (Padre): “I never thought I’d find myself saying thank God for Drudge”
Because he broke the secret – the one many in the UK media already knew – that Harry was in Afghanistan? Because Jon Snow was wondering where Harry had got to? Because Jon Snow is a sanctimonies handwringer, the media’s in-house vicar?

(Jon Snow may care to know that the story was not broken by the self-serving Matt Drudge but by weekly women’s magazine New Idea)

MAIL: “Harry calls in an air strike”

4 Horseferry Road, London…

ALL: Incoming!!!!

Posted: 29th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (7)


That Prince Harry Interview And The Boredom Of War

PRINCE Harry is in conversatison from the trenches. Says the Times:
“Prince Harry explained life on the frontline from the forward Operating Base, Delhi, Afghanistan on January 1, 2008”:

How are you finding Delhi?

“Delhi is fantastic, I started off with a week in Dwyer, flew from Kandahar to Dwyer, spent a week in Dwyer and then asked the Commanding Officer if I could come down here and spend Christmas with the Gurkhas because I had spent some time with them in England on exercise on Salisbury.

“Everyone is really well looked-after here by the Gurkhas, the food is fantastic – goat curries, chicken curries – probably shouldn’t say goat curries, but yeah, it’s really good fun and, yeah, we’re really well looked after.”

You said before you came out that you were very keen to get out on patrol. Were you surprised to be so far forward so soon?

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 29th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Prince Harry Is Fighting In Afghanistan: Tally-Ban

prince-harry.jpgPRINCE HARRY HAS BEEN FIGHTING IN AFGHANISTAN?

Young Prince Harry Baseball Cap is in the trenches with the lads.

He was deployed 10 weeks ago and his fellow soldiers were sworn to secrecy.

Chief of the General Staff Sir Richard Dannatt, who is head of the British Army, says he is disappointed the news had leaked.

“I am very disappointed that foreign websites have decided to run this story without consulting us. This is in stark contrast to the highly responsible attitude that the whole of the UK print and broadcast media, along with a small number overseas, who have entered into an understanding with us over the coverage of Prince Harry on operations.”

Of course, it may all be a ruse. Harry has a price on his ginger head. But the plan is afoot.

The British Army has been issued with regulation ginger fright wigs. Each will don their Harry Hair and thus flush the rabid enemy from fox hole and cave. This will make them easier to slaugher. Harry will be the hero.

Hurrah!

Tally-ban!

Picture 

Posted: 28th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comments (7)


The Prince Of Wales Chews The Fat On Foie Gras

CONTINUING the ocassional series “The Royals – They’re Just Like You And Me”.

A Clarence House spokesman tells us, via the Express: “The Prince of Wales has a policy that the chefs do not pcrchase foie gras.”

We urge all readers to follow his lead…

Posted: 27th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Paul Burrell’s ‘Gay Sex’ Cabaret With Princess Diana

diana-burrell.jpgSAYS the News of the World: “’Diana’s rock’ Paul Burrell trawls saunas for gay sex.”

Paul Burrell is “treacherous”. Paul Burrell is “sordid”. Paul Burrell is “slimy”. And in words that could come from the mouth of Mohamed al Fayed, Paul Burrell is “a secret predatory QUEEN”.

Says “a close pal”: “I saw him pick up countless men using his royal chat to lure them to bed.”

The paper says Burrell “SEDUCED a male pal of stargazer Russell Grant”.

Says the source:

“Paul IS a greedy liar, a devious snake. He’s also ruthless and selfish. He’s always made out that he’s this happily-married family man when in reality he’s gay and only interested in sex with men. He told me he hadn’t slept with Maria for years. He’s constantly on the lookout for gay pick-ups all over the world. And he shamelessly uses his back catalogue of Diana stories to hook his targets.”

Most sensational of all, Paul Burrell “was a ticking gay timebomb at home and at work”. One wrong move and – kaboom! – Burrell would blow. In Burrell: The Bomb, learn how this was the triger for Diana’s anti-landmine campaign.

Of one encounter we are told: “Paul went to the hotel gym and announced he was going ‘cruising’ in the sauna. He emerged about half an hour later with a really bloodshot eye—the result of a slip-up while giving a man oral sex. He just told Maria that he’d accidentally been poked in the eye!”

These are all just allegations, no more. Mr Burrell’s reaction to them is not recorded. And we may only know the truth when Burrell releases his book Burrell: Diana The Gay Icon.

The book will detail how it was Burrell’s duty to tell us how he and Diana would dress up as Liza Minnelli and Master of Ceremonies Joel Gray and sing Cabaret before a room full of Corgis dressed as Nazis, including one very tall dog called Philip…

Posted: 24th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment