HAVE you seen the massive Diamond Jubilee tribute to the Royal Family hanging from Sea Containers House in London? It is the largest ever photograph of the Royal Family, measuring 100m by 70m and weighing nearly two tons. Odd, indeed, that photo that large can find no space for Prince William and Harry, or their dear old mum, Lady Diana.
So desperate are the Windsors to pretend to be like the rest of us the surprise is that the advert fails to feature them modelling a signature range of Diamond Jubilee underwear. It’s not hard to image Andrew spending 98% of his life with just his knickers on and Prince Eddie dressed in pleated pyjamas for almost all of his. Anne, of course, doesn’t wear underwear, having been hand sewn into her tweed all-in-one in 1972. Prince Charles doesn’t know what colour his undies are because they pulled onto this loins by a willing footman while it’s still dark.
THE Diamond Jubilee looms like a fly over a jam bun. The Royal Family are piggy-backing on the Olympic Games, hoping the plastic flags and Team GB will mean we party like it’s 1977. We won’t. The EU, a war in Iraq and an unelected Prime Minster that was Gordon Brown (remember him?) have further highlighted the lunacy of a democracy that has an unelected billionaire as its head of State and an heir who is Defender of Faith but can’t be arsed to keep his martial vows. They say the Queen represents continuity. We look back at her reign. But we want to look forward. Still, we are not all unenthused. Anita Atkinson has tuned her Royal Teas in Stanhope into a Royal shrine. Her huge collection of memorabilia is on display amongst the cakes and teas. She’s a Windsor fan. You might be one, too. Or you might think Liz is an aberration and should step down and be replaced by a British aborigine. Still, nice cakes…
Anita Atkinson takes tea in her tea-room the Royal Teas in Stanhope, England, Thursday, May 24, 2012. Anita Atkinson has opened the tea room which is dedicated to the British Monarchy in time for the Queen's Diamond Jubilee celebrations, where the atmosphere is improved by the huge display of Atkinson's royal memorabilia all over the walls and display cabinets.(AP Photo/Scott Heppell)
AUSTERITY! Austerity! Austerity! The Queen’s well-spoken plans for the country, as outlined in her Queen’s Speech at the State Opening of Parliament, we’re all about austerity. Still, we’re all in this together. Here are some photos of all that austerity in action:
IN his introduction to Andy Secombe’s book, Growing Up With The Goons, Prince Charles has declared modern comedy to be witless, smutty and cruel. He appeared bewildered by the banter of national treasure Peter Kay when they met at a charity concert. He is a man out of time.
The Prince is honorary president of the Goon Show Preservation Society, and is never slow to display his own unique brand of humour. This month, he sportingly performed the weather forecast for BBC Scotland, and leavened the somewhat somber report with a few light-hearted, off-the-cuff remarks.
Nothing new there. Indeed, as early as 1970, the new Prince of Wales was entertaining Cambridge audiences as a weather forecaster in a Trinity College revue, ‘Quiet Flows The Don’.
TODAY Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, The Duke of Edinburgh and The Prince of Wales did journey on the Leeds and Liverpool canal on the barge ‘Pride Of Sefton’, during a trip to Burnley, Lancashire. It’s all part of the Diamond Jubilee celebrations, during which the Queen will wear lots of diamonds. Hurrah! (Get a lot of the Queen’s boat in photo 4. Scuppered, to be sure.)
Queen Elizabeth II, The Duke of Edinburgh and The Prince of Wales make their way along the Leeds and Liverpool canal on the barge 'Pride Of Sefton', during a trip to Burnley, Lancashire.
HAVE you seen those adverts on the sides of London buses, the ones telling us that Ahmadiyya Muslim Association UK is happy about the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee? “CONGRATULATIONS YOUR MAJESTY,” says the banner by a link to a website called MuslimsForPeace.org.uk.
That website tells us:
It would surprise many to know that an established Muslim Community in Britian [sic] is celebrating the forthcoming Diamond Jubilee
It would be surprising if such an asinine organisation wasn’t. The Diamond Jubilee is sold as celebration of belonging. It’s about civic pride, something only the Swiss are very good at that, and they also think fascism and assisted suicide are the way forward. It’s 1977 and all that, with street parties, bunting and TV news featuring pictures of mums in aprons spooning jelly into the faces of kids invited to the Royal feast so long as they bring their own food, stay at home and wash up afterwards.
PRINCE Charles read the BBC weather today on his visit to BBC Scotland. Got any ideas for a caption? All I kept geting was to add an “F’ to ‘low’ and hark back to when Charles wanted to be Camilla’s tampon…
IT’S been a year since Kate Middleton became Princess Kate Middleton. In that time she’s opened things, eaten things, baked things, opened, eaten, holidayed, baked, smiled, now revealed her knicker when exiting a golden coach, received and not fallen pregnant. No pressure Kate. No pressure. Queen Beatrice will be fine. She’s got loadsa funny hats and the Windsor teeth. Sarah Ferguson as the Queen Mother will be fine. Sure the country will revolt but for £50,000, she’ll show you her knickers and get Andrew to say ‘hi”. That for later. For now, we’ve pulled together the best ten photos of Kate’s first 12 months. Enjoy:
File photo dated 05/07/11 ofthe Duke of Cambridge taking a shot with a hockey stick as his wife the Duchess of Cambridge, watches during a visit to the Somba K'e Civic Plaza in Yellowknife, Northwest Territories.
IT gives me great pleasure to bring to your attention the latest work of Lady Colin Campbell (‘Georgie’ to her friends) - The Untold Story of Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother.
ANNIE Shields is a dwarf who looks like Pippa Middleton would look were the royal arseness a dwarf. As luck has it, Annie works as a stripper in London.
AROUND one year ago, commoner Kate Middleton (“OK ya!”) married royal Prince William (“Yeah, dude, sure thing”) in a massive display of pomp and wealth sat neatly on Pippa Middleton’s taught buttocks. For their anniversary Prince Charles is being urged to give William the throne. That for later. Last night the Duchess of Cambridge, for it is he, was at the the premier of the film African Cats. It’s a film about African cats, the sort of things William’s ancestors used to murder for fun…
AND so it came to pass that Pippa Middleton did change the course of popular culture. No longer is waving a gun – imaginary or with hooked fingers – the stuff of the urban warrior. It’s now the kind of thing entitled braying ninnies do on their way to a fancy dress party in gay Paris.
As soon as news of Pippa and her chums’ gun larks reached LA, local gang members put down their weapons and looked for other past-times. Says one local gang leader:
“Now dat motha-fuckka Pippa has popped a cpa in da ass of our look we be needin’ some new ideas.”
PIPPA Middelton may have to stop going commando after one of her party waved a pistol at photographers in Paris. In France to celebrate Viscount Arthur de Soultrait’s 29th birthday – a Louis XIV and Marie Antoinette themed do with dwarves, a randy Cardinal and canapes – Pippa was in the front of a convertible Audi when the driver waved a gun and pointed it towards a photographer. All the while Pippa grins. GunPolicy.org says anyone brandishing a gun, real or fake, faces imprisonment.
We can thus reveal that Pippa’s prison garb will be a) blue and b) floor-length and c) made of silk.
Pippa is turning and being turned into younger female version of the Duke of York, that buffoon Prince Andrew. He gets to play golf around the world; she gets to watch tennis. Both hang out with braying ninnies with an air of entitlement. He attends arms shows; she likes fashion shows. They crave celebrity. Meanwhile, The Queen trudges on, dutifully. We won’t just miss her when she’s gone. We’ll be hard pressed to find something in the papers or on the telly that doesn’t feature one of the Showbiz Windsors and their supporting cast larking about.
THE Queen and the Duke of Duke of Edinburgh took Princess Beatrice out for a day in York. There they met the local Archbishop, saw lots of flag wavers, viewed an exhibition of medieval costumes designed by York College Students (see above), went to the Royal Maundy Service held in York Minster and ate spam sandwiches in the car when it started to rain. Then granny fell asleep and grandpa gave her a small shove, just to check she was breathing…
The Archbishop of York, Queen Elizabeth II, the Duke of Edinburgh and Princess Beatrice with children holding flowers as they leave the traditional Royal Maundy Service at York Minster.
PRINCE Harry has once more saved the day. This time Harry Baseball Cap was on hand to put US businessman Bash Kazi into the recovery pose when he fell from his polo horse. As the Daily Mail’s caption notes:
“Harry slowly rolls Mr Kazi into the recovery position, while the horses and riders look helplessly on.”
Horse are so bloody useless in a crisis. But Luckily Harry was in Brazil and a man was saved.
THE Duchess of Cornwall – Camilla – smiles after receiving a replica jumper from The Killing actress Sophie Grabol (left) who plays Sarah Lund in the series following a tour of the current set in Lynge, Denmark.
AS Fabrice Muamba lies in a hospital bed recovering from cardiac arrest, the Daily Star leads with him and new that Prince’s Harry’s heart has been broken.
Good to see the Star remains as sensitive as ever…
HER Majesty Queen Elizabeth 2 has rededicated herself to the service of Britain. Her decision to remain on the throne and take herself off the transfer list was down to the “resilience, ingenuity and tolerance” of the supporters.
The 85-year-old stalwart, who has in recent weeks been linked with moves to the Arab Emirates, an independent Scotland, Italy, Russia, Portugal and China, performed a dramatic U-turn and committed herself to Team UK for five more years. The new deal takes in a buy-out clause of £2.2bn, a testimonial at 90 and a guarantee of first-team handshaking opportunities.
AFTER days of celebrating Prince Harry’s normality as he toured the Caribbean and south America – kissing models, racing a Bolt and being feted like a tour booker on a fact-finding mission for a Stag night firm – the larking royal has been told to stop boozing.
In “HIS ROYAL DRYNESS”, the Sun - just back from the Caribbean (thanks for the trip, Hal) reports:
Prince told to stop boozing..or risk axe from Afghan chopper mission…Prince Harry has been banned from pubs — so he can concentrate on his Army helicopter training.
PRINCE Harry has doing the Royal Family’s PR on a tour that has taken in cocktails in the Bahamas, beach volleyball in Rio de Janeiro, a “meet and greet” with Miss Bahamas, a running race with Usain Bolt and a polo match at Haras Larissa, a Brazilian boutique hotel, where he was kissed on the cheek by Fernanda Motta, a swimsuit model and TV presenter.
“I’ve had a gas,” says Harry.
The story us summed by one comment at the Times, which has a John Buckeridge saying:
Good for him. He is how the royal family should be i.e. normal.
KATE Middleton places a hand on her tum-tum and waves to the crowd. To her side OK! delivers the headline is bold yellow ink:
“A ROYAL BABY”
Can it be that Kate is pregnant? Kate is touching her stomach in the way pregnant women do in the tabloids. And that headline does crete the impression that Middleton is up the duff. Only the smaller print informs us:
TODAY Kate Middleton accompanied her husbands’s grandmother and grandfather to Leicester. It was brill fun and Kate never rolled her eyes once nor laughed when Her Maj asked if “Hawaii O5″ was on the telly later and Phil slapped her bum and asked her if she was Eddie’s nanny…
PRINCE Harry began his tour of Jamaica by racing spring champion Usain Bolt, at the University of the West Indies. Harry cheated. He won the 20metre race by waiting for Bolt to look then other way and setting off. Said Bolt:
“He cheated. I said we will have a re-match at London 2012. Harry said he was busy. I’m still the fastest man in the world, so he has a long way to go…He was coo. He is very down-to-earth. He just wanted a laugh. It was an honour and a pleasure to meet him.”
PRINCE Harry has made it to the Bahamas. There he was presented with a portrait of himself. It wasn’t a caricature done by a precinct Picasso in black ink, with Harry smoking a massive refer, scarfing a rum punch and squiring a lovely bevy of lovelies. No, no. Wait for the photos. This is a neat portrait of Harry looking demure, as befits his role as one of the patriotic flag bearers for this year of Great British greatness. 2012 is the year of the Great British London Olympics and the Great British Queen’s Golden Jubilee. Lucky old Harry gets to escape the place for a while and build up his tolerances before the real pomp begins…
Britain's Prince Harry greets Brazil's model Fernanda Motta during an award ceremony after playing a charity polo match in Campinas, Brazil, Sunday March 11, 2012. Prince Harry is in Brazil at the request of the British government on a trip to promote ties and emphasize the transition from the upcoming 2012 London Games to the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. (AP Photo/Andre Penner)
Anorak is an independent online sensation exposing prejudice, inhumanity, stuff shirts, misogyny, a biased news agenda, conformity, misanthropy, spin and the worst and best of human culture in words, pictures and video.
HAVE you seen the massive Diamond Jubilee tribute to the Royal Family hanging from Sea Containers House in London? It is the largest ever photograph of the Royal Family, measuring 100m by 70m and weighing nearly two tons. Odd, indeed, that photo that large can find no space for Prince William and Harry, or their dear old mum, Lady Diana.
HAVE you seen those adverts on the sides of London buses, the ones telling us that Ahmadiyya Muslim Association UK is happy about the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee? “CONGRATULATIONS YOUR MAJESTY,” says the banner by a link to a website called MuslimsForPeace.org.uk.
IT gives me great pleasure to bring to your attention the latest work of Lady Colin Campbell (‘Georgie’ to her friends) - The Untold Story of Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother.
ANNIE Shields is a dwarf who looks like Pippa Middleton would look were the royal arseness a dwarf. As luck has it, Annie works as a stripper in London.
