Royal Family Category
The Royal Family, the House of Windsor, in the news and on a horse
THE QUEEN has been replaced by an iguana. Or, as David Icke and his supports would have it, Her Majesty has been unmasked and is now appearing as her natural lizard self on the bank notes of Fiji.
Also in place of Liz’s face is a snake, a parrot and some native Fijian flowers.
KATE Middleton Pregnancy Watch: The Columnists ignore Kate Middleton:
John Walsh (Indy): He began his words on world’s news by telling reader on December 3:
Extinguish all rational thought. Abandon all hope that the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement will make the front pages this week. Stand aside, Leveson Inquiry and its fretful consequences. There’s a royal foetus out there and it’s instantly eclipsed all other news.
On the same day as Walsh was proving his point in a few hundred words, Zoe Williams hammered out a few hundred words of her own for Guardian readers on how she doesn’t care for Kate:
Kate Middleton’s pregnancy: 10 stories I don’t want to read – From baby name suggestions to speculation about Pippa, there are some articles that should remain in the writer’s imagination
Williams then spends her time writing about things she’s thought about what doesn’t want to read other people writing about:
1. An endless list of things she shouldn’t be eating or drinking …You read this incessantly – “Peaches Geldof will be particularly keen to avoid alcohol”; “Sophie Dahl especially won’t want to eat bagged salad…
Salad, you say?
2. Anything at all about their sex life – If there is one thing more nauseating than a mumsy tip about positioning round a bump, and I am leaning away from my computer and wincing even as I type that, it is the unbidden image of Prince William having sex with anyone, of any shape…
3. Speculation about whether it’s a boy or a girl – I had a friend who, when asked if it was a boy or a girl, used to say “I hope so”, and then make a sarcastic face.
4. Suggestions for baby names – The royal family actually invented a crude version of the internet, some centuries ago: the Posh Name Generator. It gave you a list of four names, Elizabeth, Henry, James or Mary…
Any more suggestions?
5. How soon Pippa Middleton will want to get pregnant
6. Anything that mistakes hyperemesis gravidarum for “bad morning sickness” – It is like mistaking pneumonia for “a bad cold”.
7. How hyperemesis gravidarum is actually quite good for keeping the weight off, if you manage it correctly
8. An imaginative reconstruction of how Diana would take the news, were she still alive – She would greet the news just like anybody else who’s ever been given this news.
No need to imagine. Williams knows.
9. Fashion-related comments wondering “whither the modest frock dress?” one day, and “why can’t you be sexy-pregnant, like that nice Megan Fox?” the next – If fashion can’t agree – which it can’t – then it should discuss something else.
10. Any article headlined “Dilatey-Katey”
Three days later and the Telegraph’s Allison Pearson was taking a view about not taking a view:
Back off, people – the Duchess of Cambridge is not a brood mare
Pearson backs off – to get a better view:
…The foetus currently measures about an inch and its feet are starting to lose their webbed appearance…The textbooks tell us that the hands can now bend at the wrist, though, obviously, it will be many years before the little prince or princess gets the hang of that weird, window-cleaning Royal Wave. Give it time…The couple didn’t plan on making the pregnancy public until Christmas, when they could have had a scan and been pretty confident that all was well. No chance of that now. Not when the tiny creature, oblivious in its amniotic pool, is already declared third in line to the throne, and historians on the radio speculate as to how old he or she will be when they finally inherit the Crown. Maybe 70, or even 80, if the Windsor longevity continues, they say. And it’s at this point that you yell at the radio and tell the historians to shut up.
Shunt up! Or carry on writing:
…If you were her, still in that anxious first trimester and in hospital with your head stuck in a grey cardboard vomit carton and your arm hooked up to fluids, how much would you want millions of people speculating about your insides and choosing your baby’s name for you? Me neither.
Grace Dent then noted in the Indy:
Who exactly is supposed to be interested in Kate’s baby? Not me – and not anyone I know
Dent then informs her readers that she, gay men, straight men don’t care about Kate’s womb.
I Don’t Care About Kate Middleton’s Pregnancy Because I Care About Freedom
Freedom to write a few hunders word on Kate’s pregnancy…
KATE Middleton Pregnancy Watch: Peter Hunt – @BBCPeterHunt – Royal correspondent for the BBC, has a tweet:
If William and Kate’s child is a boy, the Palace say it’ll be a prince; a girl will be a princess.
Prince Edward is away.
The front pages
Only the Daily Star leads with news of Kate’s pregnancy, and only then it’s about Jacintha Saldanha.
“ROYAL Radio Hoaxers Face Jail – Prank victim nurse left suicide note”
KATE Middleton Pregnancy Watch – Day 10 of the Duchess of Cambridge’s womb news: Can we honour Jacintha Salanha by naming the Royal baby after her? Will DJs Mel Greig and Michael Christian make a pilgrimage to see Lord Leveson on holiday in Australia? Who will win the PR fight for the nurse’s soul?
The front pages:
Who’s the most upset?
The Sun: “Hoax two in tears at nurse’s suicide”
Daily Mail: “Anguish of the Suicide Nurse’s family”
The Scotsman: “Family miss ‘Royal hoax nurse’ every moment of every day”
The Mirror: “Daughter’s tears for victim of Kate prank”
The Guardian: “A mother mourned”
i: “Australian DJs ‘gutted’ over hoax nurse death”
Daily Star: “DJ Mel Sobs for Royal Nurse”
The Star’s front page has Mel looking teary eyed up to image of Jacintha’s family.
Kate Middleton Pregnancy Watch: narcissistic Mel and Michael weep on camera for baby Jacintha Windsor
KATE Middleton pregnancy watch: Day 8 of the Duchess of Cambridge’s pregnancy – Royal baby named after Jacintha Saldanha; Mel Greig and Michael Christian weep on the telly:
The front pages
The Sun: “Pregnant Kate has sickness relapse”
Daily Telegraph: “Setback for Duchess as he condition takes turn for the worse”
Daily Mirror: “Royal Hoax Suicide – FURY OF NURSE’S HUSBAND – He’s angry at hospital over Jacintha’s death”
i: “Kate hoax nurse daughter pay tribute to mother”
Daily Star: “Prank DJs’ witch hunt”
Daily Express: “British Police may quiz prank DJs after nurse’s ‘suicide'”
The Guardian: “DJs may face Met over nurse death. London police make contact with Australia over hoax call investigation”
Daily Mail: “Hoaxed Nurse Died of Shame”
KATE Middleton Pregnancy watch: Day 7 update 1 – Prince William gets paternity leave:
A St James’s Palace spokesman tells media:
“The Duke of Cambridge will no longer attend the British Military Tournament at Earls Court this evening, but will spend Sunday privately with the Duchess instead. It is well known that hyperemesis gravidarum often recurs and, until further notice, to allow the Duchess a degree of privacy during her pregnancy, we do not intend to offer regular condition checks or advise of routine developments associated with it.”
KATE Middleton Pregnancy Watch: Day 7 of the Duchess of Cambridge’s pregnancy – Jacintha Saldanha and 2Day FM presenters Mel Greig and Michael Christian continue to occupy minds:
The front pages:
The Sun: “First Pic of Hoaxed Suicide Nurse”
“Husband tells of his grief – MY ANGEL”
JACINTHA Saldanha has died. Pranked on air by two Australian DJs, the nurse who worked at the hospital where Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, was being treated, seems to have committed suicide. You might have thought their hoax call funny. Wendy Harmer “Co-Founder of the Aussie women’s online mag, The Hoopla. Journo. author, stand-up, bigmouth, mum” thought it was great.
“Those two kiddos are legends!”
KATE Middleton Pregnancy Watch: Day 6.The Duchess of Cambridge news is dominated by Jacintha Saldanha, the 46-year-old a mother of two who appears to have committed suicided at the nurses’ rooms at King Edward VII Hospital. Jacintha Saldanha’s life and death are duly explained in Kate terms:
The front pages:
Daily Mail: “Our Sadness at ‘Suicide’ of Prank Call Nurse”
The Royal We.
THE nurse who put talked to two Australian radio tricksters was called Jacintha Saldanha. She was the hospital receptionist who put 2day FM’s Mel Greig and Michael Christian through to the Duchess of Cambridge’s rooms at King Edward VII Hospital.
Now Jacintha Saldanha, 46, is dead. She most likely killed herself. She was found unconscious at an address near the private Central London hospital at around 9.30am this morning.
Ms Saldanha had two children.
KATE Middleton Pregnancy Watch: Day 5 – the Duchess of Cambridge delivers a nuclear bomb, a ginger explosion and a Jewish woman to rule:
The front pages:
The Scotsman: “Smiling Kate leaves hospital”
The Times: “Kate heads for home”
The Guardian: “We are on the mend – Duchess leaves hospital”
The Telegraph: “Kate goes home for Christmas”
Daily Express: “Prince Charles just can’t wait to be a grandfather”
Daily Star: “Kate feels blooming fabulous”
Louise Mensch (The Sun): “LET’S just hope it’s a girl!”
Of course, it doesn’t really matter what sex Kate’s baby is — any child is wonderful.
WHY did Kate Middleton pose for the cameras outside hospital? The pregnant Duchess of Cambridge was discharged from the King Edward VII Hospital in central London following three nights under observation. She’s now off to Kensington Palace “for a period of rest”, St James’s Palace said. Chances are she will observed as she eats, drinks, sleeps and walks. We’ll see her again. In six months, we’d wager…
Daily Telegraph: “Duchess of Cambridge ‘will give birth to a girl’ who will grow to 5ft 10ins, studies suggest”
…another clue to the baby’s sex could be provided by the Duke’s job flying helicopters
“We were very surprised that our call was put through. We thought we’d be hung up on as soon as they heard our terrible accents. We’re very sorry if we’ve caused any issues and we’re glad to hear that Kate is doing well. 2Day FM sincerely apologises for any inconvenience caused by the inquiries to Kate’s hospital. The radio segment was done with lighthearted intentions. We wish Kate and her family all the best and we’re glad to hear she’s doing well.”
KATE Middleton Pregnancy watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at the Duchess of Cambridge’s pregnancy:
Those front-page headlines:
Daily Mail: “Relieved William leaves hospital after six-hour bedside vigil”
She has morning sickness.
HATS off to the Daily Mail’s legion of female hacks who knew Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, was pregnant and never told a living soul. In a piece called “WHEN THEY SAW THAT NEW HAIRDO, EVERY WOMAN KNEW” Rebecca English notes:
We knew already, you know. The cannier observers among us had already guessed a royal baby was on the way. How? It was all thanks to Kate’s hair: her great symbol, the vehicle through which she speaks to her public. The instant many of us caught sight of last week’s new fringe we just knew…
When we spotted the young Duchess hiding bashfully behind her new bangs, it was evident that a fresh era for Kate, her marriage, and her dynastic ambitions was being heralded.
IN photos: the media mob outside King Edward VII Hospital, London. Inside, Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is expecting a baby. Kate’s got morning sickness known as hyperemesis gravidarum. Expect to read lot about that. And expect to see a lot of photos of KAte’s tum-tum. But not of her breasts. That would be an invasion of her privacy:
KATE Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, is pregnant. How did you react?
In hospital with acute morning sickness? Does she also sleep on a pile of feather mattresses with a pea underneath it?
KATE Middleton is pregnant. The Duchess of Cambridge is with child. Will it be new Prince Edward? The baby will be special. It has to be. It’s royal! It has to uphold and embody the idea of imperialism and superiority while being refreshingly normal and modern.
It’s not joyous news. It’s an act of cruelty. Get a load of Uncles Eddie. Go on, Kate and Wills. Take a look at the rich, mentally negligible sod who, though useless at pretty much everything, believes a career as a Royal is an actual job.