PRINCE Harry’s Ronald McDonald Army has done for the enemy, and rightly their eponymous leader is hailed a hero and given a medal.

The Mail looks on as Harry is met by his aunt the Princess Royal. Having faced down al-Qaeda, Harry stands firm as aunty approaches brandishing a medal on a pin.

Anne is seen to chat with her nephew for around 30 seconds. Having commended Harry on not giving into fashion and sticking with one signature look, Princess Anne is seen to smile .

What does she know?

The Mail says that the Prince’s tour to Afghanistan was made possible only by an “unprecedented voluntary media blackout and a level of secrecy which left even some of the country’s most senior generals totally unaware that he was there”.

Those of you have seen Prince Edward’s career to date will take issue with the Mail’s use of the word “unprecedented”.

(more…)

“HARRY HERO GETS MRSA,” says the Sun’s front page, so adding some perspective to the War on Terror and meaning to Royal Marine Ben McBean.

Mr McBean is Prince Harry’s hero because Harry says he is a hero. McBean lost an arm and a leg in Afghanistan when a Taliban mine exploded.

McBean was taken to Selly Oak NHS hospital, where he was given the best treatment and a dose of MRSA, as is alleged.

To the Sun this is “SICKENING”. The NHS denies Mr McBean contracted MRSA in their care, and deep in the article the paper notes that he is in possession of ‘colonised’ MRSA and his wounds are not infected.

But who needs facts when the story fits in neatly with the Sun’s Help For Heroes campaign to salute our servicemen.

We need to honour and reward our armed forces. But do we do enough?

The pictures are of Canada saluting its War On Terror dead on a typically busy Canadian road and of Britain saluting its fallen in a traffic jam.
(more…)

PRINCE Harry wears “royal blue” boxer shorts.

Suitably reassured, we look to the Sun for other views on Pete Phillip’s stag do.

Before we do, Amii shows Sun readers her royal pink knickers and says: “They could have chosen to party in the Caribbean or a West End club, but they plumped for a pub on the Isle of White. Good on them – it proves they are just like the rest of us.”

But are you wearing royal blue boxers? And if you are, should you be?

(more…)

IT’S 3873 AD (After Diana) and the papers carry news of the self-styled Princess of Hearts.

The Inquest into her death has closed. The ruling is that Princess Diana and Dodi Al Fayed were unlawfully killed due to the “gross negligence” of driver Henri Paul and the paparazzi. Diana was killed because she did not use her seatbelt.

The snappers are pictured on the Times’ cover page. They and Paul are the “usual suspects”.

The Telegraph leads with “Let that be the end, say Princes”. Readers learn that William and Harry “hope unlawful killing verdict will bring to a close speculation over mother’s death”.

“Now let her rest in peace,” says the Scotsman on its cover.

So that’s it, then. Goodbye Diana. You came. Your shook hands. You were blonde. You went on holiday. You were a prototype David Beckham.

But the Metro newspaper, one of London’s top hundred free daily newspapers, wonders: “Diana: The final verdict. Or is it?” There is the “threat of a legal challenge”.

Is there? Even the Express leads with “DIANA WAS KILLED UNLAWFULLY”, accepting that she was not murdered by a combination of Prince Philip, Chicago neo-Nazis and a flash photography.

‘It Was Murder’  

A spokesman for Dodi Fayed’s father, Mohamed Al Fayed says: “We’re looking at all possibilities.” No, not that Dodi and Diana were killed by the Queen Mother and Mr Grassy Knoll. Well, not only that. Fayed in said to be investigating the possibility of pursuing a private prosecution against the paparazzi in the French courts.

The Times hears Mr Fayed’s statement: “The most important thing is that it’s murder.” The verdict was “unlawful killing”. But that’s not important. What is important is: “It has been a long fight to uncover the truth. I am not the only person who says they were murdered.”

Indeed not. There’s Keith Allen, father to one-hit wonder Lily Allen, who the Scotsman says has made a documentary about the inquest into the deaths of Diana and hopes it’s a hit at Cannes. He says: “To this day I absolutely believe that this wasn’t an accident. I just know.”

(more…)

SAYS John McCain: “I regret that Harry’s service was short-circuited by the unnecessary publication of his presence in Afghanistan.”

John McCain is talking about Prince Harry, leader of the Ronald McDonald Army.

“His willingness and his eagerness to serve provides an inspiration to other young men and women to serve the cause of freedom in Afghanistan.

“All of us Americans and British are proud of him. Americans admire the Royal Family. I respect and admire the Royal Family and I think those two young princes are very good role models.

“I would like to see Prince William serve if it is possible.”

Just as soon as Wills gets back from Baghdad, we’ll pass on the message from his would-be commander in chief…

D’oh!

Picture: via Jay

IT’S “Rambo royal Prince Harry”.

War changes you. That much is certain. Gone are Prince Harry Baseball Cap’s twinkling eyes, his ruddy complexion and his toothsome grin.

In its place are the alloyed features of a warrior. Eyes are black pits, windows on an inner hell. Unblinking. Staring. Not there. The skin is yellow, jaundiced by his time on the frontline.

Harry seems no longer a man. He is a shell. Hollow.

(more…)

PRINCE Harry has been waging the War On Terror. Tally-ban.

The plans is simple. Read it here: Prince Harry Leads The Ronald McDonald Army To Victory in Iraq…

All part of the plan, of course. Harry arrives. The Army stick red wigs on their own heads and atop each passing camel. The enemy charges about firing at everything. And they are picked off.

We win. Ronald McDonald gets a foothold in Iraq. And all is right with the world.

Hurrah!

Tally-ban!

A SOLIDER is said to have tried to sell pictures of Prince Harry in Afghanistan to The Sun. The paper declined to publish them until Harry was on his way home:

British media, including The Observer, agreed not to report Harry’s deployment throughout his time in Afghanistan. ‘Obviously people in theatre knew about it, and it was extremely unlikely that no one would attempt to try to leak stuff. There were never any guarantees,’ said one source. ‘But all in all it went pretty well.’

Troops serving alongside Harry were warned not to tell their families at home about the royal in their midst. Harry himself later admitted that there had been a couple of occasions when the deal might not have held without behind-the-scenes help from the British media in alerting officials to potential leaks.

One soldier. One. A united army. A united media. Things mgiht not be so bad…

“HARRY’S BACK IN CHELSEA,” say the Sun’s front-page headline.

Adolescent innuendo for our “HOMECOMING HERO”? Our just our twisted minds working on a headline illustrated by a picture of Harry (Tally-ban!) and his lover Chelsy Davy (Tally-beau!).

And the news that Harry is back in Chelsea, “partying with pals”.

But the Sun so loves a pun (“hostilities between them are over”) and a literary nudge and wink (“They spent their first three days together ‘catching up’”) that you start looking for a joke in every line.

Better, then, to turn to the Mail and learn the facts that “Harry’s back on party duty”.

No joking, subtlety or snide malice there…

OUR American allies are discussing Prince Harry and the War on Terror:

‘Good Morning America’ co-host Chris Cuomo joked on Monday’s show that Britain’s Prince Harry “has been over in Afghanistan fighting because he’s expendable.” Fellow host Robin Roberts appeared somewhat shocked by the comment and sputtered, “What did you say?” Cuomo, who was previewing an ABC special on the royals, didn’t back off his assertion and reiterated, “It’s true. The reason that Harry is allowed to be in Afghanistan is because he’s not the heir to the throne. William’s not allowed to be there.”

Do we know that William is not there?

How Americans love to imagine leaders being killed. The Barack Obama Death Cult is in full swing…

The Barack Obama Death Cult
The Barack Obama Death Cult II

RECESS Monkey says that Prince Harry would like to be treated just like everyone else save for:

…primogeniture, corporation tax, inheritance tax, capital gains tax and wildlife protection laws.

Tim responds:

Primogeniture means that it’s his older brother who will inherit. So, fair enough, he might be against it. The corporation, inheritance and CGT issues: well, they’re all to do with the Duchy of Cornwall. Which, as a result of the primogeniture issue won’t go to Harry, but to, umm, his older brother.

As for assassinating wildlife, that’s what the aristocracy is for, isn’t it

Tally-ban!

ONE man’s pay packet is the nation’s front-page news as the Mirror leads with: “£11 RISE FOR HARRY.”

Young Prince Harry Baseball Cap has been promoted to the rank of Lieutenant and seen his wages rocket by £11 a day.

A look over the menu at Mayfair’s Mahiki venue reveals that Harry can afford one daily glass of Moh’hee’toh (£10.50) as the sun sets over the yard arm, with enough spare change for a toilet wallah’s tip.

Save up and it’s a Bikini Blast (£22) restorative. And save harder still for a Mahiki Treasure Chest (£100), “the one the generals drink.”

“Will he ever see action again?” asks the Mail on its cover. Well, if he drinks enough Harry may feel a little punchy, and the paparazzi may care to step back.

On closer inspection, it turns out the Mail is talking of Harry’s war record and wondering if her will make a return to the front line.

What’s Next For Harry? 

Given the secrecy levels afforded to his last deployment, it is unlikely the Mail will be able to form a definitive answer. So we wonder. “What’s next for Harry?” asks the Mirror.

Well, Mahiki doesn’t open until 5.30 this Saturday, so we’d place our money on a trip to Boujis (Evens). Killing a Stag (3-1). Hooking up with Chelsy and going on holiday (8-11). Or following in his mother’s footsteps and starting a new life in Bahrain (5-1).

Expert opinion is needed. So the Mail invites Royal Raspberry James Whitaker to suggest Harry will stay in the Army. And someone called Malcolm Dawkins says Harry should settle in South Africa. Harry, it turns out, is the same age as Dawkins’ son Ross who is studying wine-making at Stellenbosch University near Cape Town, and making his dad proud.

It’s an idea. Especially if the college does a course on cocktail making…

JON Snow has in an instant shown what is wrong with the self-aggrandizing media elite:

Using the oldest and falsest royal chestnut, he accused the editors who had made the agreement of seeking knighthoods. He must know that, except for a few restricted orders in the Queen’s personal gift, honours come from a system controlled by the Prime Minister.

Then Snow claimed to be horrified that so much fuss was being made to do a special favour to “so small a thing as a prince”. What other free country would connive at such a cover-up, he wondered?

Why, he jeered, did Prince Harry have to be a soldier anyway? “He could do banking.” Were the press so servile, asked Snow, with an absurdity of bad taste, that “if he gets injured or shot dead, the papers wouldn’t report that”?

The three people on the show – the editor who had brokered the deal, a Tory MP and a man who had served recently in the Army – looked at Snow almost with incomprehension.

It was one of those moments when one realised that some media people have no contact with ordinary human feeling. Prince Harry was not being given a privilege. His situation was unique.

More here 

PRINCE Harry’s War. Scene III. A room in highgrove house…

MAIL: (loudly) HARRY’S HOME. (Purses lips) Chelsy makes 200-mile dash for a romantic reunion.. and to talk about their relationship. (The clack of marmalade-coated tongues can be heard)
Were you so terribly lonely, Harry?

EXPRESS: Harry’s home and Chelsy’s waiting

Where the f*** have you been. Ten week’s I’ve been sat ‘ere!?

MIRROR: (Standing to attention and reading from a small black notebook) She “was out night-clubbing until the early hours before packing her stuff and dashing down the motorway to see Harry… The blonde danced the night away at Rio’s nightclub in the centre of Leeds with a group of mainly female friends until after 4am.

Harry stares at the wall 

She looked stunning in a black dress at the club, which costs £10 to get in. Under six hours later she emerged from her student digs in the city and dragged a huge blue case to her car.

Nothing moves, save for the TV images of Ross Kemp on Gangs 

Clutching hair straigheners and a folder of college work, she also placed her beloved mongrel puppy into the passenger seat.

Sah!

STAR ON SUNDAY: Harry’s home

Harry’s back at Boujis

OBSERVER: (Wearing ‘We’re all Hezbollah’ now T-shirt) Harry tells of ‘anguish’ over injured heroes

Did you record it, Chelsy? What about the EastEnders omnibus?

SUNDAY TIMES: ‘I’M NO HERO’ SAYS PRINCE HARRY

SUNDAY MAIL: “There was outrage in Australia last week when Central Coast Mariners star Andre Gumprecht dressed up as Hitler at a club party. The 33-year-old German followed Prince Harry’s lead by turning up in a Nazi uniform and even went a step further by sporting a dodgy moustache.

Will they never leave him be. Why do they stare?!

Curtains

A cave.

GEORGE GALLOWAY: Prince Harry was saying on TV that he was engaging the enemy. I don’t know about you, but I have no enemies in Afghanistan. The Taliban are not the enemy for me.

Lights dim. The sound of thunder and a white Fiat Uno starting up  

PRINCE Harry and media padre Jon Snow’s reaction to news that young Baseball Cap was fighting in Afghanistan:

A question I’d like to put to Jon Snow, the chief news reader of Channel 4 news and usually a fairly cool-headed fellow, is whether he would have complied with any wartime requests to keep the Enigma achievement a secret, had he been a working journalist in the 1940s. Judging by his antics over the Prince Harry and Afghanistan episode, the answer to that question would be a no.

Anyone else like Snow to be sent to the frontline..?

PRINCE Harry’s War. Scene II: We rejoin the action on the tarmac at Brize Norton airbase. The UK Media Corps is discussing the news that Prince Harry is returned home a hero after winning the War on Terror.

Now read on…

ALL: THEY say Harry is back. He walks among us…

MEDIA CORPS: Tally-ban!

EXPRESS (Lance Corporal): TARGET HARRY

Shhh! Those “British fanatics” might hear you and take it as a call to arms

MAIL (Lieutenant): TERROR TARGET HARRY
STAR (Private): HARRY IS TOP TERROR TARGET – Prince home but not safe

Quick! To Boujis. It’s a lock in. Hurry!

MIRROR: THE BOY WHO WOULD NOT DIE

They say he is covered in a teflon coating and he has a heart twice the size of a normal man

THE TIMES (Major): The Prince returns a hero and an enemy

TELEGRAPH (Brigadier, retired): Let me go back, please Harry

But, Harry, it’s Boujis. You remmber, Boujis? Oh, how the war changes them

GUARDIAN (Peace Corps): Dirty Harry - dog of war, or prince of public relations?

Harry run. A price is on your head. Max Clifford and the Taliban are after you. Run, Harry, run…

Caption Contest - With a prize

Prince Harry