PRINCE William is landing a helicopter in girlfriend Kate Middleton’s garden.

He was only supposed to hover at 15ft and so dry the Middletons’ washing, and there is understandable “outrage” that he should have found cause to land.

The Express finds an “aviation analyst” to say: “This is an absolute waste of training hours on the Chinook helicopter that the military are hard-press to afford.”

The Sun puts the cost of the landing at £30,000, and Anorak suggests that next time Wills picks up Kate he lowers a knotted rope so cutting down on the expense.

Says one voice in the Sun: “If the Middletons had been tooled up with AK47s to resist the landing, it might have had training value.”

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PRINCE Harry wears “royal blue” boxer shorts.

Suitably reassured, we look to the Sun for other views on Pete Phillip’s stag do.

Before we do, Amii shows Sun readers her royal pink knickers and says: “They could have chosen to party in the Caribbean or a West End club, but they plumped for a pub on the Isle of White. Good on them – it proves they are just like the rest of us.”

But are you wearing royal blue boxers? And if you are, should you be?

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IT’S 3873 AD (After Diana) and the papers carry news of the self-styled Princess of Hearts.

The Inquest into her death has closed. The ruling is that Princess Diana and Dodi Al Fayed were unlawfully killed due to the “gross negligence” of driver Henri Paul and the paparazzi. Diana was killed because she did not use her seatbelt.

The snappers are pictured on the Times’ cover page. They and Paul are the “usual suspects”.

The Telegraph leads with “Let that be the end, say Princes”. Readers learn that William and Harry “hope unlawful killing verdict will bring to a close speculation over mother’s death”.

“Now let her rest in peace,” says the Scotsman on its cover.

So that’s it, then. Goodbye Diana. You came. Your shook hands. You were blonde. You went on holiday. You were a prototype David Beckham.

But the Metro newspaper, one of London’s top hundred free daily newspapers, wonders: “Diana: The final verdict. Or is it?” There is the “threat of a legal challenge”.

Is there? Even the Express leads with “DIANA WAS KILLED UNLAWFULLY”, accepting that she was not murdered by a combination of Prince Philip, Chicago neo-Nazis and a flash photography.

‘It Was Murder’  

A spokesman for Dodi Fayed’s father, Mohamed Al Fayed says: “We’re looking at all possibilities.” No, not that Dodi and Diana were killed by the Queen Mother and Mr Grassy Knoll. Well, not only that. Fayed in said to be investigating the possibility of pursuing a private prosecution against the paparazzi in the French courts.

The Times hears Mr Fayed’s statement: “The most important thing is that it’s murder.” The verdict was “unlawful killing”. But that’s not important. What is important is: “It has been a long fight to uncover the truth. I am not the only person who says they were murdered.”

Indeed not. There’s Keith Allen, father to one-hit wonder Lily Allen, who the Scotsman says has made a documentary about the inquest into the deaths of Diana and hopes it’s a hit at Cannes. He says: “To this day I absolutely believe that this wasn’t an accident. I just know.”

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PRINCE William is off to war.

With the spare retuned, the heir can now move freely about the enemy, slaughtering them at will. Hurrah!

The Sun says Wills is to serve aboard a Royal Navy warship. More details are not given.

We will need to wait for our allies in the US to pinpoint Wills’ exact location and make it public knowledge.

For any Taliban looking in, Anorak can revels that Afghanistan is a landlocked a country and Wills will be onboard a “frigate” or a “destroyer”.

PRINCE William and Kate Middleton are cooling things orf.

The News of the World reports that “he wants to put their love on hold while he concentrates on his military training”.

Having worked in the City, the Army, the Peace Corps and as an impresario, Wills is now learning to fly with the RAF.

Wills is not unlike Mr Benn, the children’s TV character who pops into a costumiers and by the process of magic gets in character and lives the dream for a while before moving on to the next adventure.

After the RAF, Wills will try his luck as a clown, a Prince Edward look-alike and a butler.

But before that he’s got the jets and with it the lifestyle of a single man as he agrees a “SECRET PACT” in which he and Kate will have little contact over the next year.

This will get Kate ready for a life married to a taciturn royal, as she adopts the Diana position.

A source says: “William has told Kate if they can survive this long stint apart then he’ll propose to her.”

She should watch the Telegraph’s Court Circular page for further updates, or, and Wills is ever the modern royal, the fax machine…

PRINCE William and Prince Harry are RAHS.

This, as Grazia magazine tells us, means they are “Royals And Heiresses”. They are HooRAH Henrys. No big departure for HooRAY Henrys (Rich And Young), but on such details are the reputations of magazines made.

Wills and Harry Baseball Cap are also “the new Noel and Liam”, believed not to be Irish footballer of yore Liam Brady and resurgent TV personality Noel Edmonds, rather Liam and Noel Gallagher, popular singers and champions of wrapping up in a chill wind. (“Hoods and Anoraks on, kids!” is their catchphrase.)

No sign of a scarf and woolly hat for Wills on the Mail’s front page, but he is sat before 14 bottles of alcopops and two pints of lager.

Can it be that having dabbled in the City, the Armed Forces and as a peacenik, Wills is now learning to be a hellraising rock ‘n’ roll star?

“William and the clubber slashed with a bottle,” comes the headline. And we wonder some more.

“Our future king on a boys’ night out. An hour later in the same nightclub, a reveller is slashed with a broken bottle.”

Are the two things linked? “ROYAL EXCLUSIVE,” announces the Star on its front page. “WILLS GLASS ATTACK HORROR.”

Wills is on a “larger and vodka bender”. He is “caught up in a vicious attack”. There is a “bloodbath”.

To the Barracuda club in Newquay, Cornwall.

“I WAS BOTTLED AT PRINCE WILLIAMS £1-A-DRINK PUB.” So says the Mirror’s front-page headline, which makes it seem as though Wills is drinking for research purposes, having opened a nice little boozer on the south coast.

But look out! Dan O’Callaghan has “just spotted Wills” and his. Dan is having a row with two men. A broken bottle is introduced to his face. And 25 stitches later (35 stitches, says the Mail) he is speaking to the Mirror.

“I watched Wills down £1 drinks… then thugs did THIS to my face,” says the headline, a neat surmising of the night’s events.

Are the two events linked? Did looking at Wills earn Dan a bottling, or glassing as the Star has it, exclusively?

In what way are the two things connected? We need to know. This one could run and run…

MONEY is no object for Prince Harry and Prince William.

Young Baseball Cap and Wills can do as they please, go where they like and empty the hotel mini bar – nuts, Pringles, the lot! - with not a care.

As is the way of the very rich, they enjoy experiencing poverty, spending their spare time digging wells in South America, hugging orphans in Lesotho and binge drinking.

Now the Mail reports that Harry and Wills are planning a trip to Africa. They will make the 1,000 miles journey through the dark continent on motorbikes.

The middle classes take coaches and trains, the rich take private jets, and the super rich go it the hard way.

Says the Mail: “They have the added advantage of local knowledge from Prince Harry’s on-off girlfriend Chelsy.”

Who knew Chelsy was a bush tracker? Apologies all round for believing Chelsy found watering holes and a places to lay her head within the pages of Abercrombie and Kent’s Africa brochure.

So now there’s nothing to stop Harry Baseball Cap and Wills from embarking on their adventure. And as soon as the sponsorship forms have gone out, and the locals formed into orderly crowds lining the roads and waving, the sooner the lads can be on their merry way…

PRINCE William is leaning to fly planes. He is not the only Royal flyer. The Prince of Wales, The Duke of York and The Earl of Wessex can all fly a plane. It is the cause of much excitement on the cover of Hello! magazine.

Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother once took the controls of the de Havilland Comet I jet. She told us: “I am delighted to tell you that today I took over as first pilot of a Comet aircraft. We exceeded a reading of 0.8 Mach at 40,000 ft. What the passengers thought, I really wouldn’t like to say! Elizabeth R., Hon. Air Commodore, 600 Squadron.”

King George VI, King Edward VIII, the Duke of Gloucester and the Duke of Kent all learnt to fly in the 1920s and 1930s.

Either the Royals like to get away from it all, or else they are preparing for an evacuation. Hence, the Queen’s Flight, literally.

Come the revolution, the Windsors will be many thousands of feet up in the air, each in a separate aircraft lest they all perish as one and Sarah Ferguson is the last remaining member of their tribe and proclaimed Queen…

PRINCE William is training to be a pilot. Of course, William is part of the Royal Family, aka the Windsors, and their drive to appear modern, normal and working, just like some of the rest of us.

Which means that he doesn’t learn to fly in at a private flying school but with the RAF.

Says the Mail: “By the end of his course, William should be able to fly solo and perform the loop-the-loop”.

Next stop: learning to drive a Speed Boat with the Sea Cadets…

CHIN up, England. Chin-chin Prince Harry. There is Harry, that Jonny Wilkinson among men, having vodka poured own his neck at the post-World Cup final party.

“SWIG LOW,” says the Mirror’s front-page headline. “EXCLUSIVE: Wills and Harry on bender with England rugby heroes.”

There are Wills and Harry on the Mail’s cover, where things are still more exclusive with Wills pouring champagne into a tulip glass.

“Plastered in Paris with Wills & Harry,” says the Mail. Harry hugs Laurence Dallaglio. Wills commiserates with Mike Catt. “Very bad luck,” says Wills. “You played extremely well and showed tremendous spirit.”

And the party moves on from the team’s hotel to L’Etoile – “France’s answer to Boujis”.

The Express has more pictures, less exclusive than any of those shown in the Mail or Mirror, with Matthew Tait allowed to remove his shirt and Jonny Wilkinson planting a kiss on his blonde lover’s cheek.

“Let your heir down lads,” says the Sun. And the Telegraph looks back at the game’s key moments, seeing Wills preparing to drop kick a water bottle on the Paris turf.
But there is no time to look back. Onwards! Wills and Harry are needed. The Brazilian Grand Prix is on.

Come on, Harry! Come on, Wills. Tally ho! Your country needs you…

“THE final heartbreak,” says the Observer’s cover. “England’s World Cup dream left in tatters,” echoes the Express.

And the Sunday Times leads with “Brave England battle to battling Boks”. And courageous Wales.

There on the cover page of that paper is the picture that tells the story. They went. They gave it their all. But Princes Harry and Prince William could not make it through. Sure, they put in the hard yards, made sacrifices - getting to Paris would mean forgoing a soiree at Boujis. But it was for nought.

Reactions to defeat:

“They did fantastically well getting into the final - but in days to come, they’ll reflect on what they’ve done and be really proud of themselves” - England coach and royalist Brian Ashton

“You can’t fault the effort, can’t fault the heart. Such a shame when all the heart and spirit counts for nothing…Immensely disappointing” - England flanker and Mahiki Club guest pass holder Martin Corry

“So proud of all the guys who have supported us” - Jonny Wilkinson speaks on behalf of the Princes

“It’s a fuc*in’ conspiracy ” - Mohamed al Fayed on that disallowed try

More to follow…