CARLA Bruni, wife to French President Nicolas Sarkozy, La Belle France’s answer to Lempit Opik and his Cheeky Girl, is in conversation with Paris Match magazine.

The Mail listens in and hears Carla mention her trip to Britain.

Says she: “It was like arriving on another planet. Never in my life did I think I would meet the Queen of England.”

And what of that meeting in the Windsors’ rarefied air? She recalls how at Windsor Castle, Her Majesty showed Carla around and opened a door with a cheery: “Here’s your bathroom.”

(more…)

NICOLAS Sarkozy is sharing the platform (heels) with Her Majesty, Prince Philip and Carla Bruni.

La Bruni is not with Phil but the Guardian’s front-page picture of her looking at the Queen’s consort, a smile playing across her lips, suggests she longs to be. While Philip smiles broadly, Carla’s eyes sparkle. Sarkozy is looking into the camera, a man unnerved.

The Telegraph’s snips Sarkozy away and features only Phil’s noble profile and Bruni’s gaze. “Britain is enchanted by Madame Sarkozy,” says the Express on its cover. And Madame Sarkozy is enchanted by a Briton.

On the Times’ cover, Bruni is with Her Majesty, who is talking and pointing something out. But Carla has only eyes for Liz, her head a whirl of what hold this woman has over Philip, and how it can be slackened.

As the paper’s headline says: “When the Queen met Madame le President”. It’s a Lloyd-George-knew-my-father moment.

(more…)

HER Majesty is meeting with M. Sarkozy:

All this is dressed up in glowing terms as, “a new Franco-British brotherhood,” with Nick telling us that we ought to get together as “we have the same enemies throughout the world.” Not quite right is that.

He forgot to count the French.

Source 

HER Majesty the Queen has a bruise on her neck.

The Express features the blemish on its front page. “Mystery of the Queen’s bruise,” it announces. Inside: “How did one get a bruise?”

DAILY EXPRESS: “’PHILIP IN PLOT TO KILL QUEEN’” – Mohammed Al Fayed says the Queen has been targeted by SPECTRE. “That man from Oncle,” he knows, says Mr Fayed. “Give him call”

DAILY MAIL: “QUEEN CANCER HORROR”

DAILY STAR: “ROUGH SEX AND KINKY CAPERS – OLDER AND BOLDER”

THE SUN: “I AM NOT A-BRUISED”

DAILY MIRROR: “GORDON BROWN WORRIED ABOUT QUEEN”

DAILY TELEGRAPH: “THE PERILS OF A LARGE BOSOM”

THE TIMES: “WHY MEN LOVE A LADY WITH A BRUISE”

THE GUARDIAN: “ROYALS ARE A DRAIN ON THE NHS”

THE INDEPENDENT: “MIGRANT WORKERS DREAM OF BRUISES”

WE live in an age where every high street from Land’s End to John O’Groats looks the same, and the spice of regional difference is lost in the cloying custard of conformity… or something.

Even local accents are under threat, as “Estuary English” has now been noted as far north as Scotland.

So it’s good to learn that there’s one place where you can still hear an old-fashioned Liverpool or London accent. And it won’t surprise you to learn that the place in question is that bastion of tradition, Buckingham Palace.

“SCOUSE OF WINDSOR,” declares the Sun, below a picture of HRH The Queen, with a speech bubble bearing the royal legend: “Calm down, calm down.”

The story relates to an interview (“approved by the palace”) with Angela Kelly. In case that name is unfamiliar, you might know her better by her official title: Personal Assistant, Adviser and Curator to Her Majesty The Queen (Jewellery, Insignias and Wardrobe).

The paper reports that, according to Angela, the Queen is “a dead ringer for a Scouser”. And Angela should know, as she hails from the ‘Pool herself.

“I love the Queen and everything about her,” says the 55-year-old mother of three. “I adore her, then so does everyone.”

We do indeed. But what about this Scouse business?

“The Queen has a wicked sense of humour, and is a great mimic,” reveals Angela.

Well, we all know that – she’s always mimicking that bored-looking woman in a hat. You know, the one with the catchphrase, “And what do you do, then?”

But there’s more…

“She can do all the accents,” says Angela admiringly. “Including mine.”

The paper reminds us that this is “not the first time details of the Queen’s love of mimicking accents has come to light”. A few years ago Princess Michael of Kent told how the Queen “likes to put on a Cockney accent”.

Stalk On 

All perfectly splendid, of course, but isn’t there a danger that all this accent-hopping might encourage her loyal subjects to become a trifle over-familiar?

Not as long as Angela is around. The paper reassures us that the personable PA “knows her place”.

“I would never overstep the mark and I remain in awe of the Queen,” she vows.

Angela allows herself a moment of melancholy, as is said to be traditional among Scousers. “If I died tomorrow,” she reflects, “my girls have been trained to make sure that the Queen’s life carries on smoothly without me.”

In the meantime, though, there is much to look forward to. “I hope the Queen and I grow old together,” she says simply.

And so say all of us. The thought of Her Majesty having to master a Polish accent at her advanced age is quite unacceptable.

This royal story is now officially finished, and you may sit down if you wish.

HER Majesty the Queen is in Uganda.

There she has been offered a portrait of she and Prince Philip, as painted by one Joackim Onyangeo Nedalo. He has travelled from his native Kenya to present Her Majesty with his work, which took him three months to complete.

Mr Nedalo will be delighted to know that “his picture was drawn to her attention as she drove past in her bullet-proof Range Rover”.

No time to stop as Her Majesty heads for what the Times calls a “Diana moment”.

No, she’s not shopping, romancing a soldier or placing her hair in a bun. The Queen is shaking the hand of an ill man. As the Times notes: “Stephen Wakodo is HIV positive. Yesterday he shook hands with the Queen in Uganda. The occasion was a first for both of them.”

Mr Wakodo has not shaken hands with the Queen before, nor with Diana, who is pictured pressing the flesh of HIV patient Shane Snape back in 1987.

There are many firsts in this event - the Queen has never “knowingly” met an HIV sufferer before; never before met an HIV patient while wearing a lime green dress; never before met Mr Wakodo.

It is also the first time Her Majesty has been alikened to Diana, of whom portraits are in ready supply…

BUCKINGHAM Palace has revealed 60 facts to mark the diamond wedding anniversary of the Queen and Duke of Edinburgh.

We have unearthed nine more:

1. Philip once brought out his own fragrance. “Gaff” came in a spear-shaped bottle. Other fragrances mooted were “Patience” by Prince Charles, “Green” by Prince Andrew, “Stable” by Princess Anne and “Knockout” by Prince Edward

2. HRH and Philip’s favourite song is They Can’t Take That Away From Me by Edmund Hockridge

3. The Queen’s favourite question is “What do you do”. This is followed by “And you are?”, “Pleased to meet you?”, “What exactly do you do?” and “Are you one of Eddie’s friends?”

4. Her Majesty’s favourite joke was when the Mirror’s journalist posed as a butler and she replaced her normal breakfast packet of salt ‘n’ vinegar Monster Munch with Tupperware boxes of cereals. Philip’s finds anything by Hale & Pace “funny ha-ha”

5. The Queen’s top five Corgis ever are: Pickles, Onion, Salt, Vinegar and Yorkie

6. Philip is £5 up in the bet to see how many Royal marriages he and Liz can out last

7. Of the 2,500 presents HRH and Phil received from well-wishers on the occasion of their marriage, just 24 are left, the rest passed on to visiting statesmen and Princess Michael of Kent

8. HRH is a frequent caller to Windsor Magic FM’s late night talk show That’s Windsor Magic

9. Liz and Philip plan to renew their vows and feature in a 24-page photo special in Hello! magazine, but only if David Beckham and Victoria are able to attend

HER Majesty’s throne is the subject of much debate. And the Mirror seems outraged that Her Majesty has decided against using the one on offer at the town hall in Romsey, Hants.

The Queen was on a visit to the locale and it was hoped that she would make full use of the facilities, particularly the town hall’s new indoor flushing toilet, installed at cost of £5,000.

Says “angry” town hall clerk Judith Giles: “I told Palace officials the toilets were not pristine but they were clean. They said, ‘You will have to replace it.’ There was no argument.”

“Wee are not amused,” says the Express. The Queen’s three-hour trip to mark the 400th anniversary of the town’s royal charter was the biggest thing to hit Romsey in years.

And the arrival of the new toilet was nothing if not newsworthy, placing the ceramic lid on an historic occasion.

That Her Majesty did not use it should not cast a shadow over events. Good Queen Bess leaves the toilet behind her as gift to the people of that parish.

That they might come and marvel…

“WHAT’S in the Queen’s handbag?” asks the Express. She has no need of a passport, cash nor credit cards. “Yet her bag is far from empty. One item she is never without is an S-shaped metal meat hook.” Also within the bag are “miniature dogs, horses, saddles and horsewhips”. For a quick getaway…

Gillian Gibbons

In light of the ongoing Princess Diana Inquest, we do not wish to comment on the matter, only to say that Her Majesty reserves the right to remain silent and retains a fully armed and operational Household Cavalry.

Reading on, though, we discover that the story is not related to Diana (may she never rest) but BBC1 controller Peter Fincham, who has resigned in the wake of the controversy over a trailer for a documentary about The Queen.

It was Fincham who told journalists that the trailer for BBC TV’s A Year With The Queen showed the monarch “walking out in a huff”.

This proved to be less than totally true. The pictures were of the Queen walking in and not out of photoshoot with celebrity snapper Annie Leibovitz

There followed a three-month inquiry by Will Wyatt, a former senior BBC executive. He noted “misjudgments, poor practice and ineffective systems”, with BBC employees described as “naive” although nobody “consciously set out to defame or misrepresent the Queen”.

As to whether the Queen was in a huff when she walked in for her celebrity makeover, we dare not say…

“DIANA: Queen is under pressure to give evidence.” So says the Express, which may also like to ask Her Majesty if she has seen Madeleine McCann, bred Shergar or has found a use for young Edward.

For now, though, and for all time, the Express concerns itself with Her Majesty’s part in the death of Princess Diana.

The inquest into the Paris crash (or was it?) opens tomorrow, and it is hope the case will shed more light on the matter than the French police report, the British police report and ten years of Daily Express reporting.

Fingers crossed. But not crossed under oath. We demand the truth, the whole truth and the right to questions the truth for some years to come.

Today, readers learn that lawyers acting on behalf of Harrods owner Mohamed Al Fayed have submitted a request for Her Majesty, the Duck of Edinburgh and Princes Charles to be called as witnesses.

We have consulted our own lawyers here at Anorak Towers, and are now under the impression that this has less chance to being agreed to than Camilla Duchess Of Cornwall has of wrapping her battered white Fiat Uno in feminine hygiene towels and driving into a Paris tunnel wall.

Still, it is polite to ask. And when the Queen fails to show we can continue to speculate on what she knows and does not know and how Lord Lucan did it with a length of lead piping in the speedboat…

DON’T mention the war in Buckingham Palace where the Germans and the Poles are sitting down to Tiffin.

This is “BUCKSKI PALACE”, the Star’s insight into life in the Queen’s gilded cage.

News is that that Her Majesty is actively looking for Poles to perform butler duties in the family’s inner-city council house.

A combination of low pay and cramped accommodation have failed to secure British servants; the job outweighing the chance to watch Her Majesty eat cereal and arrange her collection of night sights and silencers in order of effectiveness.

The Star says this staffing crisis has been compounded by a string of Palace butlers being wooed by wealthy Americans.

A former royal lackey tells us: “For anyone who has just arrived off a coach at Victoria from Bucharest or Warsaw and wants accommodation it’s a great job.” Indeed, it’s the gateway to a new life in the United States.

The UK truly is the land of opportunity. And who knows, if you Europeans have a German relative, you could find yourself moving from Downstairs to Upstairs…

HER Majesty the Queen is nothing if she is not fragrant.

And we journey with the Sun to the rooms of Fax Hill Primary School in Notting Hill, West London.

A courtier is said to have children at the school. And in the course of their duties, Elizabeth did happen to purchase some raffle tickets.

And now to the draw. And we have a winner.

Sadly, in the best traditions of starry awards do, the winner in unable to attend, such are the pressures of the television schedules and so firth (it’s Kirsty’s Home Videos at 8pm.)

But she has been notified. And the Sun reports that she is now in possession of two bars of soap and a vial of bath oil.

A source at Buckingham Palace says: “This is not the first time the Queen has taken part in raffles… She loves to relax in the bath and I am sure she will be looking forward to getting her hands on the windfall.”

Let’s hope Elizabeth gets it in time for the Duke of York’s visit to Slovenia. Clean hands across the seas, as it were…