Scare Stories Category
LINDSAY Lohan is in danger of being killed by her black leggings. She might just catch dengue fever.
(Image: Lohan’s leggigns range with kneepads.)
Thailand’s Deputy Public Health Minister Phansiri Kulanartsiri tells media:
“I’m worried about how people dress, especially teenagers.”
The disease is spread by mosquitoes and, as the scare story goes, they are attracted to dark clothing.
“The mosquitoes can bite through the leggings’ thin fabric, so those who wear them are at greater risk of being infected with dengue. It’s better to wear light colours and wear pants that can protect against mosquitoes, such as jeans.”
TODAY’S media scare story comes via the AA, whose release is picked up Sky News and turned into the warning:
Motorists who use their iPod when driving could be moving towards “iPod oblivion”, according to the AA.
And it gets worse:
And it is not just drivers who are at risk – pedestrians and joggers are also causing concern by getting into an zombie-like state while using mobiles or iPods on the move.
Wheat prices have risen to their “highest monthly increase in 37 years”.
Or as the Mirror puts it:
“5p ON A LOAF.”
“Wheat price have hit a 22-month high”
“HEALTH PILLS HEART ATTACK DANGER”
What follows are details of “a disturbing report” into a link between calcium supplements and heart attacks. Readers get this fact:
Scientists have found that people are 30 per cent more likely to have a heart attack if they take calcium pills regularly.
That is clear statement of a direct link between calcium supplement and heart attacks.
Writing in the British Medical Journal, the scientists conclude: “a reassessment of the role of calcium supplements in the prevention and treatment of osteoporosis is warranted.”
The experts believe the pills may lead to hardening of the arteries which can cause heart attacks.
THE Daily Mail’s Sophie Borland lends her name to an article headlined: “Babies born at night three times more at risk of death.”
Ladies – you need to cross your legs at night. All night. And there is scarier news:
Babies who are born at night or at weekends when there are hospital staffing shortages are at higher risk of dying.
Sunday night is not the time to give birth. Well, so the news tells us. Get a lod of the facts:
Women who give birth at night or weekends face a higher risk of their baby dying due to hospital staffing shortages, research suggests.
Risk? Suggests? The facts are getting less factual:
Figures show that babies delivered in the evenings or weekends are a third more likely to die than those born between 9am and 5pm, Monday to Friday.
The Express is 30p. The Sunday Express costs more. Saving money is easy. And so is feeling better. Get a load of the other Express front-page headline:
“BRITONS DENIED CANCER DRUGS”
THOUSANDS of desperate British cancer patients are denied drugs routinely offered in other countries… The state-of-the-art medicines have been proven to extend the lives of people suffering from a range of cancers.
Why not move there, then?
But in the UK, patients are forced to wait while in other EU nations and elsewhere around the world the treatments are available without a quibble.
…Figures from the drug industry also show the UK is bottom of an international league table when it comes to spending on medicines.
The list in order:
SCARE Story of The Day is that household cleaners give you cancer. The Daily Express is emphatic:
“CANCER ALERT IN HOUSE CLEANERS”
“Using polish can double risk of breast tumours”
Is “can” a fact?
Those who use the products most often are twice as likely to contract the disease as those who handle them sparingly, say researchers.
You want the facts? Here goes:
US researchers asked 1,500 women aged between 60 and 80 to recall their cleaning habits, and compared cancer rates for different levels of product use. Study leader Dr Julia Brody said: “Women who reported the highest combined cleaning product use had a doubled risk of breast cancer compared with those with the lowest reported use.
MaGuffin, of Tabloid Watch, takes a closer look at the scare story:
IT’S political correctness gone mad:
This Mail headline and article is similar to yesterday’s swimming pool story. A few mildly critical comments from a few users of a facility is turned into general ‘fury’ (such an overused word) and the changes being made are on a much smaller scale than is implied.
Located in the middle of a beautiful national park, Mount Snowdon is one of the most awesome natural wonders of Great Britain.
The wild slopes, steep ridges and treacherous screes of the second highest mountain in the UK attract experienced mountaineers from across the world who want to pit their climbing skills against its rugged routes.
But now the 3,560ft mountain just got a whole lot tamer after a tarmac pathway was laid on one of the ancient routes.
“A tarmac pathway‘.” But in the next sentence:
The work to level and partly tarmac a mile-and-a-half of the Miners’ Track has been carried out to encourage more people onto the mountain.
Ah, now it’s only “partly tarmac“.
RECYCLED bags contain e.coli. The Telegraph says e.coli killed 26 people in Scotland in 1996.
The BBC says 20 people died.
The Scotsman says 21.
We can agree that e-coli is not good for you. And for good measure the Telegraph says that if the e-coli doesn’t kill you the salmonella might – it’s also in the bags.
The idea is that if you don’t wash your bags between use you run a risk of infecting your food. Researchers at the University of Arizona examined the bags of 84 shoppers.
The researchers warned the levels of bacteria they found were high enough to cause a wide range of serious health problems and even death.
But would you eat the bag or lick out its insides?
READER Robert Carter has news that shopping makes you impotent – although not shopping on the web:
Finally men have a perfect excuse to avoid shopping… it could make them impotent.
Researchers have made the startling discovery that a gender bending chemical compound is present on some till receipts.
And the levels of hazardous substance Bisphenol A (BPA) can be high enough to suppress male hormones in the body.
THE Star screams that crosses have been banned from graves at Weston-super-Mare. Only, they haven’t. Only crosses over 2ft tall are not wanted. The Star calls this the works of – get this – “killjoys”.
The Mail shouts:
A council is under fire for banning crosses from one of its cemeteries – over health and safety fears.
The Sun says a cross erected by one Liz Maggs was removed because it was “too ugly“.
The Mail says it was banned because it was made of wood.
The Sun says:
A North Somerset Council spokesman said: “There are regulations we ask people to follow. It is a lawn cemetery and, as such, is not allowed to have anything over 6in raised above ground level.
“DROUGHT SOON AS BRITAIN DRIES UP”
A forecaster warns of “less than average rainfall”. There might be a “hosepipe ban”! We are all as good as dead.
But then we noticed that Express has spent the week as a harbinger of doom:
Monday: “CANCER LINK TO ‘WONDER’ DRUG” – People taking ARBs for blood pressure issues might increase their chance of getting cancer.
Tuesday: “NEW MOBILE PHONES HEALTH THREAT”
And not only new mobile phones but old ones too. Phones might give you cancer if used for 30 minutes a day.
Here’s to the Daily Express and its motto: “IT’S GETTING WORSE!”
As the BBC screams, windscreen water…
“…may be the cause of 20% of cases of Legionnaires’ Disease in England and Wales, the Health Protection Agency says.”
It’s a fact because:
The finding came after researchers spotted that professional drivers are five times more likely to be infected.
“Football fever is sweeping the nation and medics are preparing for a rise in over excited football fans suffering heart attacks, strokes and other injuries.”
Aren’t media football lovers, too? (Cue Express report on all medics being immigrants.)
MEOW meow, aka mephadrone, is banned. The Sun is to think to banning the “killer party drug”, which has been linked to deaths in the media and frontline politics, but not proven to have caused any.
Now the Sun says the drugs market has been “flooded with potentially lethal replacements – all of them LEGAL”. First up: naphyrone.
Thanks to the Sun, eh, readers?
A WHO report is spotted by the press. The sub-editors get to work:
Guardian - Mobile phone study finds no solid link to brain tumours.
BBC - No proof of mobile cancer risk, major study concludes.
Independent - Mobile phones do not raise risk of brain tumours, say scientists.
Daily Mirror – ‘No proof’ of mobile phone cancer link.
SCARE Story of The Day comes via the Indy wherein we learn that “Fyodor Dostoevsky images on metro ‘could cause suicides’”. News is that bigwigs of the Moscow metro has delayed the opening a metro station named after Dostoevsky over “fears that illustrations from his works that decorate it could turn the station into a ‘mecca for suicides’”.
On one wall, Rodion Raskolnikov from Crime and Punishment brandishes an axe over the elderly pawnbroker Alyona Ivanovna and her sister, his murder victims in the novel. Near by, a character from Demons holds a pistol to his temple.
COUGARS – older women with younger men (aka dirty old women) – are dying for their pleasures. Says the New York Daily News:
Cougars may want to reconsider tying the knot with a much younger man. Women who marry a partner seven to nine years younger increase their risk of dying by 20 percent, according to a study published in the journal Demography.
Can you change your risk of dying?
SCARE Story of the day features the German researchers who have discovered that robots in the home might attack humans. Yep, stick with the Filipino maid. Sure, she’s stealing your underwear and using your Touch Eclat, but has she stabbed you yet? And can a robot flirt with your husband like the Swiss au pair?
The boffins equipped robot arms with blades, such as a steak knife, kitchen knife, scissors and screwdriver. They then invited the robot arm to hit a substance interned to mirror soft human tissue – a lump of pig, a mound of silicon and a, er, man’s arm. And -whaddayaknow? – the robots managed to inflict potentially “lethal” wounds on the stuff.
The news is chilling:
Simply turning on a light at night for a few seconds to go to the toilet can cause changes that might lead to cancer…
Says Professor Kyriacou:
‘The ‘switching on of lights causes cancer when you go to the bathroom at night’ is an eye-catching fabrication of the press.’
Or is it?
If you’re 8 years old and looking at one or more bars a day, your most likely suicidal. If you’re fat and in need of chocolate the government advice is to “go for it”.
But keep it clean. Don’t jump off a bridge, especially not onto a road. Best that you smoke and drink yourself to death and help pay of the national debt.
Says the BBC:
Chocolate lovers ‘are more depressive’, say experts
“If aliens visit us, the outcome would be much as when Columbus landed in America, which didn’t turn out well for the Native Americans.”
Free gambling and all the hooch you can drink? They never had it so good. Looks like aliens are already upon us Britons. Tony Blair, aka Spuddoook 139, introduced 24 hour drinking and tax-free betting.
SCARE Story of The Week was the Star’s tale of how ash had almost brought down a 747. The story turned out to be old and the picture of the stricken jet just a computer mock up. Still, it did the job and scared the shit out of lost of people – although not those at Gatwick and Manchester airports which stopped selling the paper.
Gatwick airport’s director of communications, Andrew McCallum, tells us:
“We thought it was inappropriate at this point in time after six days of disruption and as people were anxious to get to their holiday destination or to return home to have these sort of computer-generated images on the front page.
“We had a discussion with other airports having seen the Daily Star’s front page today and decided to remove it. It was in our view not appropriate.”
MEOW Meow is banned. Mephedrone is too pricy and risky now that it’s illegal. If you’re gonna takes risk you might as well buy some cocaine. So. Got any Sparkle? You know, MDAI. Got any? The Star says “experts say it could be lethal”.
The Mirror says Sparkle is the new big thing:
Danger drug meow meow’s successor MDAI could flood Britain
To help you to identify it, the Mirror produces a picture of a small bag containing a smattering of white powders.
“VOLCANO DUST IS DEADLY,” says the Daily Express. And it is deadly – so long as you are closer to Iceland’s Eyjafjallajokull volcano than Great Britain is. And get load of how close Susan Boyle is to the headline of terror.
Still, the ash is deadly. You are going to die if you breathe it in. And because everyone will be breathing the deadly dust the length and breadth of the UK, you will all die. So, this is goodbye. I’d like to thank Bob Monkhouse, Anthea Turner… But what’s this? Wait a moment!
Christy Feig, a spokesman at panic merchants WHO, says:
“We’ll be recommending people with breathing difficulties stay inside if there is ash settling in their area. It’s people with respiratory problems that will be most affected. But if you haven’t got a history of respiratory difficulties and you are having problems then it’s obviously best to stay inside.”