Strange News, Politics, Sport, and Celebrity on the Anorak
Splash News on Michael Jackson’s death - “It’s like the FA Cup final”
Five Reasons Why Andy Murray Failed At Wimbledon
MURRAY Mount is routed by Andy Roddick. Andy Murray’s Wimblwdon bid is over. Where did it go wrong? Anorak delivers our Top Five Reasons Why Andy Murray Failed At Wimbledon:
Kipling Test
The doyennes of the All England Club failed to introduce their much-vaunted Kipling Test – can Roger Federer recite all the verses he passes on the walk from changing room to court?
The Blonde
With her long blonde hair, longer legs and over-sized sunglasses Andy Murray’s girlfriend is the ultimate in court-side chic. So says the Mail, which gives a heads up to cameramen looking to fill those frequent breaks in play and moments before and after a big point with a hot of a blonde. Kim Sears fits the bill. And if she can keep Murray lean and hungry his hope can only be increased.
Fail: She became slightly tanned and displyed brown-ish roots.
Murray Maniacs
The Murray Maniacs are a chippier, less HRT-fed lot than the Henmanics, Tim Henman’s band of sectioned supporters. But they do have one advantage: less letters means lee T-shirts and less time spent organising people to stand in line to spell out their hero’s name when the valuable minutes could be spent chanting. Murr-eeee fits neatly with the Timm-eeee call, but Anorak suggests a twist and shortening Murray to Muzz, so creating the Muzz Buzz, a slow hissing fizz that at moments of tension causes Federer to believe he is under attack from angry wasps.
Fail: Murray becgan to swat balls like a Highland walker swatting midges. Muzzzzzz.
The System
The failed introduction of the esoteric Duckworth Lewis System that made one-day cricket a lottery. With just a few games played, the onset of rain or failing light could see Federer needing to win 17 games in a row inside 34 minutes.
Fail: See roof
Scotland Expects
Hiring the Scottish football team to Train Murray, thus ensuring the Muzz never hits a ball into the net no matter how hard he tries.
Fail: Tained by Graham Taylor and so beaten by the Americans.
Posted: 4th, July 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Global Warming Ruins Wimbledon
GLOBAL warming - or summer, as it used to be called - has ruined Wimbledon.
The abscence of Great British ballboys placing down copies of Nuts magazine to pull a tarpaulin sheet across Centre Court and a muted Cliff Richard - the acoustics with the roof shut are not nearly good enough for such a champion of the summer sport - plus the errie spectre of a British player proves that not all change is necessary.
Anorak recalls when tennis was a decent sport played by a decent sort.
Posted: 3rd, July 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Sex Appeal Dictates Which Women Play Wimbledon Centre Court: Gallery
Wimbledon tennis spokesman, Johnny Perkins, says that the tournament operates a casting couch system of play, with the better looking players grunting on Centre Court - with its superior acoustics - and the less attractive wimmin battling it in outer courts.
Indeed, one Canadian player was advised to play her match against an Australian brute over the benches in the changing rooms with the lights switched off.
Perkins says that what ladies play on Centre Court is down to “a great big mixture of where the players are in the draw, who they’re playing, what their ranking is.”
Posted: 29th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Barack Obama Gives Arsenal Football Team Talk
Read the rest of this entry »
OBAMA Balls: In today’s instalment of Anorak’s occasional look at Barack Obama in the news, we cock an ear to the Arsenal Football Club’s changing rooms and hear the US President giving a team talk:
Posted: 28th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Rio Ferdinand Models Manchester United’s New Kit: Pictures
FOLLOWING those pictures (NSFW) of Newcastle United’s motivational kit, Pies brings pictures of Rio Ferdinand and Wayne Rooney modelling Manchester United’s uniform, those tops that will be worn in Suffolk pubs this summer:
Posted: 24th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Newcastle United Kits Models Taylor And Beye To Leave Club
AS Pies reports, there is now place left to run for Newcastle United’s kit models Habib Beye and Steven Taylor and both could leave the club this summer, possibly under a blanket.
Anything is better than wearing that kit for a season. And Taylor with his orangey skin, and all.
Posted: 24th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Kim Sears As Andy Murray Mounts
TO Murray Mount, formerly Henman Hill, Wade’s Wall, Perry’s Peak and Cliff’s Cliff and news from Wimbledon that Murray’s doubles’ partner Kim Sears (more nominative determinism, folks!) is sending “temperatures soaring further in sexy shades and shorts”.
From our vantage point, we can see the 21-year-old “wow onlookers in a pair of tiny denim hotpants”.
Phwoarty love!
Posted: 24th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Boy Wears Ice-Cream At Brazil V Italy Match
FINDING the blonde in the crowd is the aim of every cameraman at a football match. But what’s this? Why, it’s a charming shot of a young flame-haired lad enjoying his ice-cream at the Italy v Brazil match. This is how Gazza started…
National Kick a Ginger Day Replaced By Kill A Kenny Day
Is It Cos I Is Ginger? Sarah Prinner Sees Red
Ginger Ail: Redhead Chapmans Forced To Leave Home
Posted: 23rd, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Cristiano Ronaldo Tells All About Night With Paris Hilton
IN “Ron: I had a ball with Paris”, Sun readers learn of Cristiano Ronaldo, for it is he, and Paris Hilton, for it ever she, and, “Winker spills the beans on hotel tryst.”
Pictures in summer attire of hot pants and boob tube, Ronaldo beckons us inwards and whispers into Gordon Smart’s ear:
“She was a really cool girl and we had a great time talking.”
So, Gordon, what did he say?
Posted: 22nd, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Soccersexual Cristiano Ronaldo’s Hotel Date Tells All
THE British media’s fascination with Cristiano Ronaldo shows no sign of abating as the Sun features “TWO girls” who “dirty danced” for the Real Madrid w*nker.
ALLISON AIMEE, 26, and SUZANNE COPPIN, 32, flirted with the footie ace in his hotel bar.
They then went back to his room — and left at 4am as he was snogging a THIRD girl on the sofa.
So rather than talking with the thirtysomething who now carries a trophy-sized smudge of Touche Eclat on her top lip, the Sun cops an eyeful of Allison on LA’s Venice Beach, who opines:
Posted: 20th, June 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Five Ways Andy Murray Can Win Wimbledon
WITH Rafael Nadal out and Cliff Richard muted by the rain-proof roof over Wimbledon’s Centre Court, Andy Murray is edging closer to the Wimbledon title, this nation’s first since Harvey Templeton-Peck won it on horseback in 1786.
But what can we do to help Murray win the day? It’s pretty clear that what stands between Murray and a chance to introduce the ballgirls to the Dukd of Kent is Roger Federer, all flicky hair and too-close together eyes of Swiss precision.
Anorak delivers our Top Five Tips for Murray Success.
Kipling Test
The doyennes of the All England Club can introduce their much-vaunted Kipling Test – can Roger Federer recite all the verses he passes on the walk from changing room to court? If he can’t he’s out. It’s all about standards, dear boy.
The Blonde
With her long blonde hair, longer legs and over-sized sunglasses Andy Murray’s girlfriend is the ultimate in court-side chic. So says the Mail, which gives a heads up to cameramen looking to fill those frequent breaks in play and moments before and after a big point with a hot of a blonde. Kim Sears fits the bill. And if she can keep Murray lean and hungry his hope can only be increased.
Murray Maniacs
The Murray Maniacs are a chippier, less HRT-fed lot than the Henmanics, Tim Henman’s band of sectioned supporters. But they do have one advantage: less letters means lee T-shirts and less time spent organising people to stand in line to spell out their hero’s name when the valuable minutes could be spent chanting. Murr-eeee fits neatly with the Timm-eeee call, but Anorak suggests a twist and shortening Murray to Muzz, so creating the Muzz Buzz, a slow hissing fizz that at moments of tension causes Federer to believe he is under attack from angry wasps.
The System
The introduction of the esoteric Duckworth Lewis System has made one-day cricket a lottery. With just a few games played, the onset of rain or failing light could see Federer needing to win 17 games in a row inside 34 minutes.
Scotland Expects
Hiring the Scottish football team to Train Murray, thus ensuring the Muzz never hits a ball into the net no matter how hard he tries.
Come on, Murray!
Posted: 20th, June 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Sir Allen Standford To Present The Apprentice
WITH one Sir Alan gone, Sir Allen Standford is due to presnt The Apprentice. But wait. The cricket entrepreneu has been charged with seven counts of wire fraud, ten counts of mail fraud and conspiracy to launder money.
Sir Allen Stanford is undone. But where was he found by the FBI?
a) In Chris Lewis’s cricket bag?
b) Under a travel rug in the second row of the Pavilion stand at Kent’s St Lawrence Ground?
c) In Shoaib Akhtar’s box?
d) Virginia
e) Under the skirts of England’s players’ wives
Posted: 19th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
TEXAN billionaire and cricket ball buff Sir Allen Stanford has been arrested on criminal charges.
Was the soon to be the leading SurrAllen found..:
a) In Chris Lewis’s cricket bag?
b) Under a travel rug in the second row of the Pavilion stand at Kent’s St Lawrence Ground?
c) In Shoaib Akhtar’s box?
d) Virginia
e) Under the skirts of England’s players’ wives
Posted: 19th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
World’s Greatest Goalkeeper Saves Penalty Then Scores Goal
A VIDEO of The World’s Greatest Goalkeeper saving a penalty then scoring a goal. Give him all the touche eclat and bronzer he wants. The new Ronaldo is upon us. Sign him up:
Cristiano Ronaldo Introduces The Top Ten Goals Of All Time
Posted: 18th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Cristiano Ronaldo Sips His Cocktail
SO reduced in potency is the Premier League that Cristiano Ronaldo continues to be the lead off-season player.
The Portuguese footballer who plays for Real Madrid is all over the Sun like pair of Speedos on a middle-aged Italian lifeguard.
Today, the Sun spots Ronaldo enjoying “a weekend on the lash in Las Vegas with a bevy of beauties”.
Posted: 15th, June 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Andy Murray Works On his Grunt
IT’S summer. And that means tennis. And that means Wimbledon and Murray Maniacs and a promise of life after Tim Henman and loadsa grunting.
Murr-rrry fits nicely with the Timm-mee chant. But while Timm-eee looked at home among the tennis club sisterhood, Murray looks as if he’d rather be playing before a football crowd, where grunting is the norm.
At the French Open, Michelle Larcher de Brito, a 16-year-old Portuguese, unleashed a memorable grunt that outlasted many of her rallies. Her opponent, Ara-vane Rezaï, complained to the umpire about the din. Larcher de Brito lost and was booed off court.
Says Larcher de Brito:
“I don’t think it would be fair if you’re not allowed to shriek or scream or grunt. It’s part of the game. I’m 16 and I’m still learning. Maybe I can eventually put it under control. I don’t know, but I’ll try. It comes from Seles; it comes from Sharapova. It comes from great players.”
Had only Arthur Mullard been born a few decades alter and handed a racket Britain may not have had to wait so long for a champion. You emulate the great to make yourself great, and the British just aren’t cutting it.
Play up!
It’s a matter of national standards. Horatio Nelson is hit and emits an invitation for a kiss. King Harold is speared in the eye and barely gasps. Gordon Brown’s mouth grasps for air and finding it carries on. Listen for a grunt on the film Zulu. None. It’s just singing.
Compare that to American legends like Sylvester Stallone who serialised his grunts into a franchise, and the French for whom the grunt can be translated into – and we’re not making this up – 5,321 different nuances.
It’s time to hang up Cliff Richard’s umbrella and bring in Frankie Goes To Hollywood.
“Tennis,” says Frankie.
“Ugh!” grunts the crowd, in the manner of Angelina Jolie taking on in the stomach.
What is it good for?
“Ugh!”
Posted: 14th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Abramovich Unveils Chelsea’s New Football Ground
ROMAN Abramovich has unveiled Chelsea’s new football ground.
To facilitate the global nature of the game, Chelsea will play aboard the Eclipse, a £300m, 557-long floating stadium.
The eclipse comes with a missile-detection system, and boasts parking for two helipads, a luxury spa and a swimming pool.
Posted: 13th, June 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Cristiano Ronaldo Introduces The Top Ten Goals Of All Time
CRISTIANO Ronaldo is off to Real Madrid. Time, then, for Anorak to look at why Ronaldo is worth the money in our Top Ten Greatest Goals of All Time.
With a few exceptions - as you will see hereunder - great goals are scored by great players. And Ronaldo promises to bring great goals to Real Madrid.
No Ronaldo on our list… Well, not yet.
Here follows Anorak’s Top Ten:
Posted: 12th, June 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
The Five Greatest Things About Cristiano Ronaldo
The Five Greatest Things About Cristiano Ronaldo -
SO farewell, Cristiano Ronaldo, you came, you were seen, you stepped over, you stepped over again, you stepped over three more times as if auditioning for the cha-cha-cha in Strictly Come Dancing.
You were ever the celebrity made footballer. And now BBC light entertainment recedes as you head to Spain.
Posted: 11th, June 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Egypt’s Amr Zaki’s Worst Goal Celebration Ever
TO Egypt, where Egyptian footballer Amr Zaki is having six stitches woven into his face after celebrating a goal…
Posted: 9th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
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