manchester united Category
Transfer Balls: a look at utter drivel being presented as breaking football news.
The Daily Star reports that German star Marco Reus is on his way to Manchester United:
Also on the 18th of December, the Star’s Chisanga Malta yelled that Reus was heading to Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool AND Manchester United.
Wow! Two scoops on Reus in just one day. And it would all be great news for United were it not for what Malata actually writes in the story:
Meanwhile, Manchester United have been dealt a huge blow in their pursuits of Borussia Dortmund’s Marco Reus.
Malata says the star is going nowhere:
Such are the facts in the trusty Star…
INJURY-PRONE players are unfortunate. It isn’t their fault that their bodies betray them and stop them from doing their high-performance job. If a Formula One car has a misfiring engine, everyone understands because the car is in perfect balance to go really fast. When a football hurts his toe in the super-masculine world of professional football, he’s expected to shrug it off or be labelled a weakling.
Everyone remembers the various jokes about the winger of yore, Darren Anderton, who would be out for a fortnight with a broken eyelash and the like.
These days, we’ve got Manchester United’s Phil Jones.
He’s made only 5 appearances since Louis van Gaal took over at Old Trafford and, in his three seasons at Manchester United, he’s suffered 12 separate injuries, including the almost quaint complaint of shin splints.
Jones says: “I could stand here and list 10 players who are always out injured. That is just the nature of football. People don’t wake up one morning and say: ‘I fancy being injured today.’
So now, he’s focusing on getting fit and staying fit. What’s he doing about it? He’s gone toward something a little more spiritual: “It is strength work on the reformer, yoga and pilates and loads of stuff. I will do anything I can to improve myself and hopefully that will stand me in good stead for the rest of the season. Hopefully I can stay fit, look after myself in games and make sure I stay fit.”
While most people hit the gym and lift, bro Jones is going to stretch his legs, work on his core and get all that negative chi out of his legs like he’s football’s most famous Buddhist, Roberto Baggio.
And while Baggio was dubbed Il Divin Codino (translates as ‘The Divine Ponytail’), our Phil can now call himself The Blessed Hamstring, as he finds inner peace on his yoga mat, letting the troubles of Premier League football melt away to his wind-chimes tape, reinforcing the Manchester United team with his powerful chakras.
Now Manchester United have a guru in the ranks, can they win the title against all odds, thanks to Swami Jones?
EVERYONE who isn’t a Manchester United fan is currently irritated that they’re 3rd in the Premier League table as, after a long period of success, it would’ve been nice if they could’ve suffered just a bit longer.
Seeing as fans can’t mock their league position, here’s something to enjoy – one of their players has been dragged into a match-fixing scandal.
Man U midfielder Ander Herrera, along with Japan coach Javier Aguirre and Atletico Madrid captain Gabi and 38 others, have been named in a case of matchfixing involving a La Liga match in the 2010-11 season. Now, of course, everyone involved may well be innocent, which means we’ll have to say ‘allegedly’ a lot and, of course, enjoy this while it lasts.
So what’s the deal?
Well, Spain’s anti-corruption prosecutor has filed their case in a Valencia court today, following a probe into Real Zaragoza’s 2-1 win at Levante on the final day of the campaign. Fans of Spanish football will know that Zaragoza avoided relegation and that Aguirre was coach of the team at the time, which included Herrera and Gabi in the team.
Former Zaragoza president Agapito Iglesias and the club itself were also named as defendants, along with the rest of the players from both sides.
At the time of writing, a Real Zaragoza official had no comment to make, apart from the reiteration of the statement Zaragoza made on September 25th which said that they were “completely unaware” of events being investigated by the public prosecutor. Handily for them, the match occurred under a different board of directors, which means they’re probably telling the truth.
But what about the players?
In its court filing published today, the prosecutor alleged that the Levante players were paid a total of €965,000 (£766,000) in cash to deliberately lose the game.
It seems like a small amount of money for top flight football doesn’t it? It is almost quaint. You can imagine the defence in court might say: ‘Seriously though. These lads don’t need the money.’
The prosecutor added that they suspect Zaragoza first made bank transfers to its players and officials, including Aguirre, Herrera and Gabi, and they then took the money out of their accounts in cash and passed it on to the Levante players. It all sounds incredibly murky and if it is true, there could be some very damning penalties.
Of course, the team’s that were relegated instead of Zaragoza could seek compensation, just like Sheffield United did when it transpired that there were irregularities when West Ham signed Carlos Tevez, and he scored a goal that kept the Hammers in the league.
Where do we stand on footballers surrounding the referee, getting in his fave when a decision goes against their team? Today Manchester United profited from the linesman’s flag. The referee’s assidtant declined (wrongly) to raise his flag and Juan Mata’s headed goal stood. Should Liverpool have gone nuts, harranging the referee?
Henry Winter says they should’ve:
As United celebrated, as social media devoured footage of the incident, Liverpool players did not appeal, did not vent any anger. They accepted the injustice, a worrying sign for Rodgers as he seeks fight in his players. He would also have every right to question his players’ marking of Mata too.
As Manchester Unted play Liverpool in the Premier League, the Sun wonders what the most offensive thing United manager Louis Van Gaal has heard:
The Manchester United boss will be ready for anything from the stands when his side take on bitter rivals Liverpool. It would be difficult to top the Feyenoord sickos who taunted him when he was at Ajax and his first wife was dying of cancer.
Should they try to?
The ‘Iron Tulip’ was at the centre of an ugly episode with sections of supporters on his way to the title with Ajax in 1994. His wife, Fernanda, was dying of cancer and Feyenoord fans taunted LVG from the stands with a banner that translated as “cancer b****”.
After she passed away from liver and pancreatic cancer, LVG was targeted again with chant of “Louis van Gaal, he lives alone”.
At the time he said: “They were singing loud, I was the victim, that’s true. But I was able to analyse it and not let it get to me. That’s why I could bear it. It was just a group of the fans who sang.”
Over to you, Liverpool fans…
Writing in the Sun, Martin Blackburn has news on Manchester City’s affable manager Manuel Pellegrini:
Two years ago this month, City were beaten by Borussia Dortmund on a low-key night in Germany. They knew they were out of the Champions League — but it meant their three-point total was the lowest by an English team in the competition.
True enough. But…:
From then on, it was very tough going for ex-boss Roberto Mancini, even though he won the title seven months earlier. His side’s title defence was already in ruins, with city rivals United running away with the Premier League.
THE Merseyside derby… the Manchester derby… the North London derby… they’re all well and good, but having a rivalry based on your postcodes is really very, very boring.
Much better is when teams hate each other because there’s a clash of culture or because of something else entirely. Manchester United and Arsenal is one such rivalry that beats the local-affairs, but just pipping it is the squabbling cousins of Manchester and Liverpool and, this Sunday, that lot from Old Trafford take on that lot from Anfield.
When asked about the difference in hatred between Man City and Liverpool, one Manchester United fan said: “City are our rivals – Liverpool are the enemy.”
And things are already heating up, with Jamie Carragher chipping in on Twitter, saying:”Question for Lfc fans- win tonight or Sunday? Tonight for me, rather qualify for the CL than beat the 7th best team in the Prem last season!”
Scouse shade there. Liverpool will travel along the M62 on Sunday, seven points off United, but as we know, form goes out of the window for games like this.
So with that, let us look at the best Man Utd-Liverpool games.
Liverpool 3-3 Manchester United 1987/88
In the Eighties, Liverpool were the kings of English football and Alex Ferguson was still pretty fresh to the United job. At Anfield, a six-goal thriller with some absolutely appalling challenges from both team, and Gordon Strachan and Peter Beardsley on fine, fine form.
Manchester United 3-1 Liverpool 1989/90
In the late ’80s, Manchester United were perennial underachievers while Liverpool were the dominant force. However, on New Year’s Day, Fergie’s Fledglings started to show their worth. Mark Robins and Lee Sharpe sparkled, while little Russell Beardsmore played the game of his life. Brian McClair scored an absolute belter too!
Manchester United 1-4 Liverpool 2009
One of Liverpool’s finest ever performances came when they turned Man Utd over 4-1 at Old Trafford, back when Fernando Torres was absolutely blistering! Andrea Dossena’s lob is one of the best goals ever scored in a match between the two sides.
Liverpool 3-3 Man United, 1994
One of the greatest matches in the Premier League’s history, Man Utd steam into a 3-0 lead after 25 minutes and on the back of a 17-game unbeaten run. Liverpool, were placed ninth. However, thanks to goals from Nigel Clough and Razor Ruddock, Liverpool completed one of the most entertaining comebacks in English football.
Manchester United 2-2 Liverpool 1995
Eric Cantona, returning from his lengthy suspension for kung-fu kicking a Crystal Palace fan, came back for another MUFC/LFC classic. Meanwhile, Liverpool were adjusting the crown of their own local legend, with Robbie Fowler grabbing two wonderful goals. Of course, Cantona managed to score the equaliser in front of a delirious Stretford End.
Liverpool 1-4 Manchester United 1969
At Anfield, a Manchester United team which featured a number of the stars that won the European Cup, basically tore Liverpool a new one. Liverpool were a team in transition, but so too were United. However, when you’ve got George Best in the side, it always helps. The fourth goal from Bobby Charlton is an absolute corker.
Manchester United 3-2 Liverpool 2010
United fans will remember this game as the afternoon when Dimitar Berbatov paid his £30m transfer fee back with a hat-trick against Liverpool. A match where Berba scored a wonderful overhead kick from the edge of the area that had the decency to whack the crossbar on the way in, just to look better.
Manchester United manager Louis Van Gaal has been lampooned by Dutch actress Carice van Houten, chiefly famous for being the Red Priestess Melisandre in Game Of Thrones.
Arsenal midfielder Jack Wilshere is injured. He was clobbered by Manchester United’s Paddy McNair.
No foul was given.
The Manchester Evening News made not single mention of the foul that ended Wilshere’s match.
The London Evening Standard says Wilshere was “left in a heap” by McNair’s foul.
The clubs’ local newspapers are reporting to the converted.
As Arsenal fans bemoan the referee, the MEN massages its match report and McNair makes a name for himself, Wilshere recovers from surgery to his badly injured ligaments.
The Sun has news:
‘The Arsenal and England midfielder is determined to remain upbeat following the latest ankle operation which will sideline him for three months
The Mail has worse news:
Arsenal face an injury crisis with Jack Wilshere set to miss four months after ankle surgery yesterday
Such are the facts…
Liverpool FC’s local newspaper the Liverpool Echo speaks truth to power with the story that the club are doing great.
Liverpool FC may be struggling – but the stats show Arsenal and Manchester United are faring worse!
This is the current Premier League table.
It will be interesting to see how the Liverpool Echo looks at that table and concludes that Liverpool are above Manchester United and Arsenal.
Liverpool FC may be having a difficult season so far, but Manchester United and Arsenal are doing worse, statistics suggest.
FC BARCELONA have been the modern equivalent of The Beatles, with just about everyone heaping praise on them, apart from sneering hipsters who don’t like anything successful, so they heap praise on Borussia Dortmund instead.
One of the happiest marriages was that between the Camp Nou outfit and Lionel Messi.
However, it looks like all is not rosy in Barcelona as the the Argentine megastar has suggested that his future lies elsewhere because, in his own words, “a lot changes in football.”
Klopp Balls: Dortmund Manager Wants Arsenal Job, Get Liverpool Job And Waits For Manchester United Job
The Daily Express has been planning Jurgen Klopp’s future. Apparently, the German manager of Boruisia Dortmund is desperate to work in England. The Express says Klopp is to manage Arsenal, Liverpool and Manchester United.
September 5: “Man Utd News: Klopp to succeed Van Gaal”
Novermber 10: “WENGER OUT! The FIVE contenders to replace Arsene at Arsenal (with Klopp top target)”
November 21: “Let’s talk! Jurgen Klopp issues come-and-get-me plea to Arsenal”
MANCHESTER United news: the club’s executive vice-chairman told investors.
“Di Maria saw a 12-times increase on Google searches on the day of his transfer. When Blind signed his Twitter following increased by 72 per cent.”
Manchester United ARE winning! 3million Somalian tweeters cannot be wrong!
Unless… breaking news: 87% of new Manchester United fans in Premier League colonies also follow Arsenal, Chelsea, Barcelona, Ronaldo, Bayern Mu…
Message to United: buy Stephen Fry and Justin Bieber now – before Man City get them!
TEN years ago, Manchester United and Arsenal indulged in one of football’s daftest climaxes. The feud between the two teams culminated in someone throwing pizza. Apart from the tragic waste of pizza (in what is now officially America’s ‘National Pizza Week’), everyone laughed apart from those involved.
This week, it transpires that Cesc Fabregas could well be the main culprit for slinging pizza at Sir Alex Ferguson. Or at least, that’s the story according to Martin Keown when talking about the Battle of the Buffet.
“As I said on the radio a few years ago, from what I understand it was a Spanish fella with great technique,” says Keown. “Even when it came to the pizza he had great technique. He threw it like a Frisbee.”
ANGEL DI MARIA has revealed why he joined Manchester United. The massively under-paid player tells one and all why he left Real Madrid for a British record of £59.7million and £280,000-a-week compensation.
Di Maria says bne joined United because Paris Saint Germain couldn’t afford him:
“PSG had a money problem and they couldn’t buy players. This is the main reason I didn’t go there. A lot of clubs were interested in me. But Manchester United appeared and didn’t go away. They absolutely wanted me and it happened. I don’t have regrets about leaving Real Madrid. It’s a different style at United but I’m happy.”
Transfer Balls: Chelsea, Manchester City, Liverpool And Arsenal Do The OK Koke For Manchester United Star
TRANSFER Balls: The Daily Express says “Barcelona ready to beat Manchester United, Chelsea and Liverpool with a summer bid for Koke”.
As ever, the Express aims to get as many big clubs as possible into its story. The aim – the fabled Full House – is to link a player with the top five English clubs.
Footy expert Bruce Archer tells readers:
…reports in Spain say Koke, along with Lars Bender, is Barcelona’s priority for the summer.
Transfer Balls: Which Player Is Heading To Arsenal, Manchester United, West Ham, Swansea, Everton, Hull And Spurs?
TRANSFER Balls: Marseilles striker Andre Ayew has uttred not word on moving to the Premier League. But that hasn’t stopped the media from speculating:
Daily Express, November 13: “Andre Ayew could join Arsenal, Liverpool or Manchester United for just £1.5m in January”
SpyGhana, November 5: “West Ham looks to sign Andre Ayew”
Liverpool Echo, November 3 2014: “Everton FC transfer gossip: Blues eye Ayew January swoop”
Hull Daily Mail, October 20: “Hull City face competition to bring in the forward during the January transfer window.”
The Sun, October 19: “Liverpool, Everton, Swansea, Hull and West Ham are all keen and are watching developments.”
Daily Express, October 14: “Arsenal, Liverpool, Man Utd and Spurs handed January BOOST with Andre Ayew set for exit”
Daily Star, October 14: “Arsenal, Liverpool, Newcastle, Manchester United and Spurs target Andre Ayew set for January switch”
In other news, Andre Ayew is going to Napoli…
MANCHESTER United Balls: How fit is Radamel Falcao?
The Sun: “RADAMEL FALCAO’S hopes of returning to action after the international break have been dashed by Louis van Gaal.”
The Star: “Radamel Falcao set to make Man Utd RETURN at Arsenal”
Such are the facts…
MANCHESTER United manager Louis van Gaal is trading on former glories. His tenure at United has been one of big-spending confusion. The buzzword is ‘transition’, but Southampton are proving that to be a load of balls.
A new book on the Manchester United boss, O, Louis: In Search of Louis van Gaal, contains a few gems. Author Hugo Bors, describes it as a “journey into the sinister recesses”.
(Incidentally, we are told that Van Gaal’s “sworn enemy” is Ronald Koeman.)
On Truus, life with Mrs Van Gaal:
‘The way he treats Truus in company is ungentlemanly and sometimes downright disgraceful. In the company of friends and acquaintances, Louis has made comments that in nine out of 10 marriages would have been grounds for divorce.
TRANSFER Balls: With Arsenal’s defence in a mess, the papers speculate on which stars could join the Gunners.
The Mirror: “Mats Hummels ‘wants Arsenal move’ in January as Dortmund fear centre-back will leave”
The defender is valued at £30m and is also a target for Manchester United but sources in Germany believe the player would prefer a move to the Emirates
Arsenal will pay £30m for Hummels.
FORMER Manchester United player Gary Neville asked celebrity Manchester City fan Noel Gallagher to sign his guitar.
Noel’s message to Red Nev reads:
How many caps have you got for England?
How many do you think you deserved?
I’ll tell you…
Lots of love, Noel Gallagher x
WHEN you’re a footballer who can command a price tag of £59.7 million, chances are, you can walk into just about any team in the world. With that, you can have your pick of the trophies you’d like to be winning. When you’re at that level of the game, trophies is what it is all about, so you can text your other insanely successful pals and boast.
When Angel Di Maria signed for Manchester United, he was joining one of the most famous clubs in the world and playing for one of the most respected managers in the game, in Louis Van Gaal.
BEFORE this season, Manchester United have signed a host of players that haven’t exactly lived up to the hype. While Alex Ferguson has signed some incredible players like Cantona, Ronaldo and Denis Irwin, he’s also the man who threw money at David Bellion, Bebe, Eric Djemba-Djemba, Jordi Cruyff, Karel Poborsky, William Prunier and Kléberson.
Another one of Fergie’s Flops is Anderson, who has given Manchester United the kind of performances that suggest he’d struggle to walk into a Championship team, let alone another one of Europe’s giants.
Manchester United Lummox Marouane Fellaini Didn’t Spit On Manchester City’s Sergio Aguero: He Drooled
MANCHESTER United are an expensive mess. Manchester City are powerful. And the talk is on whther or not Marouane Fellaini spat at Sergio Aguero during the Manchester derby.
The Mirror says he did – maybe:
…pictures appear to show him spitting at the match winner… Pictures showed Fellaini leaning over Aguero and abusing him – and appearing to spit in his direction – after the City striker had gone down under a challenge from him in the United area.
TRANSFER Balls: The Daily Express has an “EXCLUSIVE”. News is that “Arsenal face fresh battle from Man Utd for Schalke star Julian Draxler”. What with his being an Express exclusive, it is most likely utter balls.
John Richardson writes:
MANCHESTER UNITED have joined Arsenal in the pursuit of emerging German midfielder Julian Draxler.
But both clubs were left stunned on Friday night when the 21-year-old limped off after just 15 seconds in Schalke’s 1-0 victory over Augsburg in the Bundesliga.
Arsenal and Manchester were “stunned” by an injury to an injury-prone player who doesn’t play for them.
And let’s not forget other Daily Express Draxler scoops:
In October, the Mirror had other news:
Arsenal step up Julian Draxler interest sending scouts to monitor Schalke playmaker – The German World Cup winner has been on Wenger’s radar for a number of years and the Gunners could soon be set to test Schalke’s resolve
The Metro told its readers that Draxler “missed out on a place in this summer’s successful World Cup squad”.
Today the Metro says “Manchester United are closing in on a double deal for Schalke 04 pair Julian Draxlerand Benedikt Howedes.”
The Daily Star says United are “set to win the race for Draxler”.
And the Express told readers: “Schalke slap £60m price tag on Chelsea target Julian Draxler.”
Such are the facts.