Anorak

Sports | Anorak - Part 215

Sports Category

Sports news, commentary and scores with wit and added value. We compare and contrast the best and worst sports reporting in the mainstream press, blogs, TV and online. We love the English Premier League (Arsenal, Liverpool, Spurs, Manchester United and Manchester City) and all things football but we cover cricket, rugby, the Olympics, tennis, golf, F1 and highlights of the sporting year.

Will John Terry Move To Manchester To Be With Mark Hughes?

DID you know that John Terry and Mark Hughes stayed in the same Dubai hotel complex last week?

The Sun does. Anorak, though, is not one given to salacious rumour and gossip. If John and Mark want to holiday together then so be it. We live in broad-minded times.

As the pair bask in the 110 degree skin rash of a Dubai summer, waiting for some respite from the sun as a cloud of builder’s dust or a phalanx of gawping Indian labourers bring welcome shade, the Sun wonders if long distance relationships can work?

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Posted: 6th, July 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Cricket Umpire Killed By Ball

cricket-umpire-killedCRICKET is a game fraught with danger. Cricket umpire Alcwyn Jenkins has died after being hit on the head by a ball.

Alcwyn Jenkins, 72, was umpiring a league match between Swansea and Llangennech at the St Helen’s ground in Swansea on Saturday.

The widower, from Skewen near Neath, was struck on the head by a ball thrown by a fielder and was airlifted to hospital but failed to recover.

First they killed the spectator.

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Posted: 5th, July 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (5)


Five Reasons Why Andy Murray Failed At Wimbledon

MURRAY Mount is routed by Andy Roddick. Andy Murray’s Wimblwdon bid is over. Where did it go wrong?  Anorak delivers our Top Five Reasons Why Andy Murray Failed At Wimbledon:

Kipling Test

The doyennes of the All England Club failed to introduce their much-vaunted Kipling Test – can Roger Federer recite all the verses he passes on the walk from changing room to court?

The Blonde

With her long blonde hair, longer legs and over-sized sunglasses Andy Murray’s girlfriend is the ultimate in court-side chic. So says the Mail, which gives a heads up to cameramen looking to fill those frequent breaks in play and moments before and after a big point with a hot of a blonde. Kim Sears fits the bill. And if she can keep Murray lean and hungry his hope can only be increased.

Fail: She became slightly tanned and displyed brown-ish roots.

Murray Maniacs

The Murray Maniacs are a chippier, less HRT-fed lot than the Henmanics, Tim Henman’s band of sectioned supporters. But they do have one advantage: less letters means lee T-shirts and less time spent organising people to stand in line to spell out their hero’s name when the valuable minutes could be spent chanting. Murr-eeee fits neatly with the Timm-eeee call, but Anorak suggests a twist and shortening Murray to Muzz, so creating the Muzz Buzz, a slow hissing fizz that at moments of tension causes Federer to believe he is under attack from angry wasps.

Fail: Murray becgan to swat balls like a Highland walker swatting midges. Muzzzzzz.

The System

The failed introduction of the esoteric Duckworth Lewis System that made one-day cricket a lottery. With just a few games played, the onset of rain or failing light could see Federer needing to win 17 games in a row inside 34 minutes.

Fail: See roof

Scotland Expects

Hiring the Scottish football team to Train Murray, thus ensuring the Muzz never hits a ball into the net no matter how hard he tries.

Fail: Tained by Graham Taylor and so beaten by the Americans.

Posted: 4th, July 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (4)


Global Warming Ruins Wimbledon

tennis1GLOBAL warming – or summer, as it used to be called – has ruined Wimbledon.

The abscence of Great British ballboys placing down copies of Nuts magazine to pull a tarpaulin sheet across Centre Court and a muted Cliff Richard – the acoustics with the roof shut are not nearly good enough for such a champion of the summer sport – plus the errie spectre of a British player proves that not all change is necessary.

Anorak recalls when tennis was a decent sport played by a decent sort.

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Posted: 3rd, July 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (4)


Barack Obama Gives Arsenal Football Team Talk

obama-arsenalOBAMA Balls: In today’s instalment of Anorak’s occasional look at Barack Obama in the news, we cock an ear to the Arsenal Football Club’s changing rooms and hear the US President giving a team talk:

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Posted: 28th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Rio Ferdinand Models Manchester United’s New Kit: Pictures

manchester-uniteds-new-kitFOLLOWING those pictures (NSFW) of Newcastle United’s motivational kit, Pies brings pictures of Rio Ferdinand and Wayne Rooney modelling Manchester United’s uniform, those tops that will be worn in Suffolk pubs this summer:

Posted: 24th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (3)


Newcastle United Kits Models Taylor And Beye To Leave Club

newcastle-kitAS Pies reports, there is now place left to run for Newcastle United’s kit models Habib Beye and Steven Taylor and both could leave the club this summer, possibly under a blanket.

Anything is better than wearing that kit for a season. And Taylor with his orangey skin, and all.

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Posted: 24th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Kim Sears As Andy Murray Mounts

kim-searsTO Murray Mount, formerly Henman Hill, Wade’s Wall, Perry’s Peak and Cliff’s Cliff and news from Wimbledon that Murray’s doubles’ partner Kim Sears (more nominative determinism, folks!) is sending “temperatures soaring further in sexy shades and shorts”.

From our vantage point, we can see the 21-year-old “wow onlookers in a pair of tiny denim hotpants”.

Phwoarty love!

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Posted: 24th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1)


Boy Wears Ice-Cream At Brazil V Italy Match

FINDING the blonde in the crowd is the aim of every cameraman at a football match. But what’s this? Why, it’s a charming shot of a young flame-haired lad enjoying his ice-cream at the Italy v Brazil match. This is how Gazza started…

National Kick a Ginger Day Replaced By Kill A Kenny Day

Is It Cos I Is Ginger? Sarah Prinner Sees Red

Ginger Ail: Redhead Chapmans Forced To Leave Home

Posted: 23rd, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Cristiano Ronaldo Tells All About Night With Paris Hilton

winky-and-wonkyIN “Ron: I had a ball with Paris”, Sun readers learn of Cristiano Ronaldo, for it is he, and Paris Hilton, for it ever she, and, “Winker spills the beans on hotel tryst.”

Pictures in summer attire of hot pants and boob tube, Ronaldo beckons us inwards and whispers into Gordon Smart’s ear:

“She was a really cool girl and we had a great time talking.”

So, Gordon, what did he say?

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Posted: 22nd, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Soccersexual Cristiano Ronaldo’s Hotel Date Tells All

ronaldo-sexTHE British media’s fascination with Cristiano Ronaldo shows no sign of abating as the Sun features “TWO girls” who “dirty danced” for the Real Madrid w*nker.

ALLISON AIMEE, 26, and SUZANNE COPPIN, 32, flirted with the footie ace in his hotel bar.

They then went back to his room — and left at 4am as he was snogging a THIRD girl on the sofa.

So rather than talking with the thirtysomething who now carries a trophy-sized smudge of Touche Eclat on her top lip, the Sun cops an eyeful of Allison on LA’s Venice Beach, who opines:

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Posted: 20th, June 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment


Five Ways Andy Murray Can Win Wimbledon

andy-murrayWITH Rafael Nadal out and Cliff Richard muted by the rain-proof roof over Wimbledon’s Centre Court, Andy Murray is edging closer to the Wimbledon title, this nation’s first since Harvey Templeton-Peck won it on horseback in 1786.

But what can we do to help Murray win the day? It’s pretty clear that what stands between Murray and a chance to introduce the ballgirls to the Dukd of Kent is Roger Federer, all flicky hair and too-close together eyes of Swiss precision.

Anorak delivers our Top Five Tips for Murray Success.

Kipling Test

The doyennes of the All England Club can introduce their much-vaunted Kipling Test – can Roger Federer recite all the verses he passes on the walk from changing room to court? If he can’t he’s out. It’s all about standards, dear boy.

The Blonde

With her long blonde hair, longer legs and over-sized sunglasses Andy Murray’s girlfriend is the ultimate in court-side chic. So says the Mail, which gives a heads up to cameramen looking to fill those frequent breaks in play and moments before and after a big point with a hot of a blonde. Kim Sears fits the bill. And if she can keep Murray lean and hungry his hope can only be increased.

Murray Maniacs

The Murray Maniacs are a chippier, less HRT-fed lot than the Henmanics, Tim Henman’s band of sectioned supporters. But they do have one advantage: less letters means lee T-shirts and less time spent organising people to stand in line to spell out their hero’s name when the valuable minutes could be spent chanting. Murr-eeee fits neatly with the Timm-eeee call, but Anorak suggests a twist and shortening Murray to Muzz, so creating the Muzz Buzz, a slow hissing fizz that at moments of tension causes Federer to believe he is under attack from angry wasps.

The System

The introduction of the esoteric Duckworth Lewis System has made one-day cricket a lottery. With just a few games played, the onset of rain or failing light could see Federer needing to win 17 games in a row inside 34 minutes.

Scotland Expects

Hiring the Scottish football team to Train Murray, thus ensuring the Muzz never hits a ball into the net no matter how hard he tries.

Come on, Murray!

Posted: 20th, June 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment (1)


Sir Allen Standford To Present The Apprentice

WITH one Sir Alan gone, Sir Allen Standford is due to presnt The Apprentice. But wait. The cricket entrepreneu  has been charged with seven counts of wire fraud, ten counts of mail fraud and conspiracy to launder money.

Sir Allen Stanford is undone. But where was he found by the FBI?

a) In Chris Lewis’s cricket bag?
b) Under a travel rug in the second row of the Pavilion stand at Kent’s St Lawrence Ground?
c) In Shoaib Akhtar’s box?
d) Virginia
e) Under the skirts of England’s players’ wives

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Posted: 19th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Sir Allen Stanford Arrested

allen-standfordTEXAN billionaire and cricket ball buff Sir Allen Stanford has been arrested on criminal charges.

Was the soon to be the leading SurrAllen found..:

a) In Chris Lewis’s cricket bag?
b) Under a travel rug in the second row of the Pavilion stand at Kent’s St Lawrence Ground?
c) In Shoaib Akhtar’s box?
d) Virginia
e) Under the skirts of England’s players’ wives

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Posted: 19th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


World’s Greatest Goalkeeper Saves Penalty Then Scores Goal

A VIDEO of The World’s Greatest Goalkeeper saving a penalty then scoring a goal. Give him all the touche eclat and bronzer he wants. The new Ronaldo is upon us. Sign him up:

Cristiano Ronaldo Introduces The Top Ten Goals Of All Time

Posted: 18th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Cristiano Ronaldo Sips His Cocktail

cristiano-ronaldoSO reduced in potency is the Premier League that Cristiano Ronaldo continues to be the lead off-season player.

The Portuguese footballer who plays for Real Madrid is all over the Sun like pair of Speedos on a middle-aged Italian lifeguard.

Today, the Sun spots Ronaldo enjoying “a weekend on the lash in Las Vegas with a bevy of beauties”.

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Posted: 15th, June 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment


Andy Murray Works On his Grunt

grunting-tennisIT’S summer. And that means tennis. And that means Wimbledon and Murray Maniacs and a promise of life after Tim Henman and loadsa grunting.

Murr-rrry fits nicely with the Timm-mee chant. But while Timm-eee looked at home among the tennis club sisterhood, Murray looks as if he’d rather be playing before a football crowd, where grunting is the norm.

At the French Open, Michelle Larcher de Brito, a 16-year-old Portuguese, unleashed a memorable grunt that outlasted many of her rallies. Her opponent, Ara-vane Rezaï, complained to the umpire about the din. Larcher de Brito lost and was booed off court.

Says Larcher de Brito:

“I don’t think it would be fair if you’re not allowed to shriek or scream or grunt. It’s part of the game. I’m 16 and I’m still learning. Maybe I can eventually put it under control. I don’t know, but I’ll try. It comes from Seles; it comes from Sharapova. It comes from great players.”

Had only Arthur Mullard been born a few decades alter and handed a racket Britain may not have had to wait so long for a champion. You emulate the great to make yourself great, and the British just aren’t cutting it.

Play up!

It’s a matter of national standards. Horatio Nelson is hit and emits an invitation for a kiss. King Harold is speared in the eye and barely gasps. Gordon Brown’s mouth grasps for air and finding it carries on. Listen for a grunt on the film Zulu. None. It’s just singing.

Compare that to American legends like Sylvester Stallone who serialised his grunts into a franchise, and the French for whom the grunt can be translated into – and we’re not making this up – 5,321 different nuances.

It’s time to hang up Cliff Richard’s umbrella and bring in Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

“Tennis,” says Frankie.

“Ugh!” grunts the crowd, in the manner of Angelina Jolie taking on in the stomach.

What is it good for?

“Ugh!”

Posted: 14th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Abramovich Unveils Chelsea’s New Football Ground

chelsea-new-goundROMAN Abramovich has unveiled Chelsea’s new football ground.

To facilitate the global nature of the game, Chelsea will play aboard the Eclipse, a £300m, 557-long floating stadium.

The eclipse comes with a missile-detection system, and boasts parking for two helipads, a luxury spa and a swimming pool.

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Posted: 13th, June 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment


Cristiano Ronaldo Introduces The Top Ten Goals Of All Time

ronaldo-legsCRISTIANO Ronaldo is off to Real Madrid. Time, then, for Anorak to look at why Ronaldo is worth the money in our Top Ten Greatest Goals of All Time.

With a few exceptions – as you will see hereunder – great goals are scored by great players. And Ronaldo promises to bring great goals to Real Madrid.

No Ronaldo on our list… Well, not yet.

Here follows Anorak’s Top Ten:

Posted: 12th, June 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment


The Five Greatest Things About Cristiano Ronaldo

ronaldo-rooneyThe Five Greatest Things About Cristiano Ronaldo –

SO farewell, Cristiano Ronaldo, you came, you were seen, you stepped over, you stepped over again, you stepped over three more times as if auditioning for the cha-cha-cha in Strictly Come Dancing.

You were ever the celebrity made footballer. And now BBC light entertainment recedes as you head to Spain.

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Posted: 11th, June 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (3)


Egypt’s Amr Zaki’s Worst Goal Celebration Ever

TO Egypt, where Egyptian footballer Amr Zaki is having six stitches woven into his face after celebrating a goal…

Pies for more football stuff…

Posted: 9th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Fans Jeer As Footballer Anthony Van Loo Suffers Heart Attack

anthony-van-loo-has-heart-attack-on-the-field-but-has-a-defibrillator-implantedHERE’S a video of Belgian footballer Anthony Van Loo, who played for Roeselare, suffering a heart attack on the pitch.

Of course, what with this being football, the fans whistle and jeer as they, er, try to attract medical attention.

It works. He is saved. Hurrah for the caring fans!

Posted: 9th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1)


Roger Federer Signs for Barcelona

barcelona-federerFOR a club of grace and charm, Barcelona is supported by clothes fetishists and other perverts.

At the French Open, a typical Barca fan showed of his nylon flag and then tried to stick his erect hat on Roger Federer’s head.

The last time something like this was tried, the target for the love was Thierry Henry. Then at Arsenal, Henry was presented with Barca shirt by a Catalan who wanted his idol to strip off and put it on.

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Posted: 8th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Aussie Rules Welcomes First Transsexual Player

nice-tackleWILL ‘Power’ is an Aussie Rules fan all set to become the Australia’s first transsexual to play competitive football.

Indeed, how it took this long for a sport played by men in hot pants and boob tunes to come out is worthy of much comment.

Australians love girls sports – tennis and swimming – and this news is long overdue.

Of course, transvestites are not the same as transsexuals, and Will ‘Power’, who was born a woman and had a sex change two years ago, dreams of playing for Collingwood. But first, he’s aiming for the Bendigo Football League.

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Posted: 8th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Iran And North Korea Avert World Cup War

IRAN 0 – North Korea 0. The FT:

He’ll shoot, he’ll score
He’ll eat your labrador
Kim Jonh Il

Football fans the world over love to tell anyone who will listen that their sport is “not just a game” – it means so much more than that.

You dirty northern bastards…

But the clash between North Korea and Iran in Pyongyang on Saturday could be one of those occasions when the cliché actually proves true. A World Cup qualifier between the two remaining members of George W. Bush’s infamous axis of evil – one fresh from a nuclear test, the other accused by some of wanting to conduct its own – sparks all sorts of international intrigue.

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Posted: 6th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment