Anorak

Sports | Anorak - Part 223

Sports Category

Sports news, commentary and scores with wit and added value. We compare and contrast the best and worst sports reporting in the mainstream press, blogs, TV and online. We love the English Premier League (Arsenal, Liverpool, Spurs, Manchester United and Manchester City) and all things football but we cover cricket, rugby, the Olympics, tennis, golf, F1 and highlights of the sporting year.

Jenson Button wins Australian Grand Prix!

IF you’d have told Anorak a month or two ago that a British driver would win the 2009 Aussie GP, we’d have said “Yes, Lewis Hamilton has a great chance, dummy.”

If you’d have told us, “No, we mean Jenson Button!” Anorak would have laughed until our sides split.

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Posted: 29th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (2)


Umbro can’t plug new England shirt leak

AFTER many years of producing terrible kits for England, it appears Umbro may finally have got it right (the fact that Nike, who do tend to make decent kits, now owns Umbro may have something to do with it).

This is a leaked photo of the new England home kit, as sported by skipper John Terry and goalie David James. There seems to be some debate about whether or not the photo is genuine, but Anorak can confirm it is for real (don’t ask us our sources – we’d only have to kill you).

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Posted: 28th, March 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (5)


John Terry’s Mum Nicks Pedigree Chum

UPDATE: John Terry’s mum arests:

JT’s mum nicked Pedigree Chum” – Sun

JOHN TERRY’S old Mum, Sue, has been nicked and officially cautioned by police for shoplifting clothes and food from Marks & Spencer and Tesco, at a shopping centrey in Surrey.

Stay classy, footballer’s mum.

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Posted: 28th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (4)


Lewis Hamilton is SLOW!

WHAT has happened in Formula 1 since last season? In testing over the winter, and in practice for this weekend’s Aussie GP in Melbourne, the traditionally fast teams – McLaren, Ferrari – are really struggling, giving the time sheet a decidedly topsy turvy look.

World champ Lewis Hamilton has been suffering more than most. He could only manage 16th and 18th in Friday’s two practice sessions Down Under (Williams’ Nico Rosberg was fastest), results which would put him near the back of the grid unless he finds some pace for Saturday’s qualifying stint.

“The car is the problem. It’s not that bad, it’s just we can’t carry our speed through corners,” Hamilton told the BBC.

McLaren had a great year in 2008, but the new rule changes seem to have caught them on the hop, and now Hamilton will surely struggle to retain his world title.

Lil’ Lewis is not happy at the prospect of spending the season being overtaken by supposedly inferior teams. He said:

“I haven’t had offers from other teams and I am not talking to anyone but I would listen to an offer if someone asked. It would be a compliment and it would be silly if I did not.”

That’s quite a turnaround from last season, when he claimed he would be happy to stay at McLaren for life.

Posted: 27th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (4)


David Beckham is The Terminator

SAINT David of Beckhamshire will not stop, ever. Much like Arnie’s Terminator.

Ahead of this Saturday’s England friendly against Slovakia at Wembley, Becks has admitted he will never retire from international football, ever. EVER, do you hear him!?

When a journalist suggested he couldn’t play until the age of 50, Becks replied (tongue nowhere near his cheek):

“You never know… I’m passionate about playing for my country. If I’m honest, I assumed I wouldn’t play for my country again after being taken out of the team by Steve [McClaren, after the 2006 World Cup]. I just thought: ‘That’s it.’ I was proud to have played the number of times I had and to be brought back in was extra special. I think I’d recognise when the time is right to finish playing. I’m an honest person – I’ve always been like that – and I wouldn’t want people wondering why I’m still playing, but I’d like that option to be involved in a squad one day. If that happens when I’m 45, then great.”

Forty five!! How deluded is Beckham? On a scale of one to deluded, we’d rank him somewhere around… deluded.

Someone take him out back and shoot him, please.

Posted: 27th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (5)


Elton John returns to Watford… again

ELTON John is back in football, for a third spell at Watford (or ‘Queen of the South’ as Tommy Docherty famously suggested they be renamed during John’s first stint at the club).

The pop legend ended his second spell as chairman of the Hornets in 2002 but is back on board to join former manager Graham Taylor in a presidency role.

He said: “Watford football club is in my blood. Wherever I am in the world I cannot resist keeping up with the news.

“I wish the new chairman and board, the manager, the team and all Watford’s loyal supporters a very successful conclusion to the season.”

Posted: 26th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Double Amputee To Make Cage-Fighting Debut

IT’S not every day you get to report on two sport-related amputee stories, but – praise be! – today is that day. Earlier, we told you how an amputee Royal Marine had pranked David Beckham.

Now comes the news that Kyle Maynard, a congenital amputee who was born with stumps for legs and arms, will make his Mixed Martial Arts debut next month in Auburn, Alabama. Only in America, folks.

Maynard was previously denied a license to fight by the Georgia Athletic & Entertainment Commission, but it seems they have changed their minds.

Now that’s a fight we don’t want to see. Okay, we’re a little bit curious to see exactly what moves this guy has.

Bring on Obama for the Spaz-Down!

Posted: 25th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Amputee soldier punks David Beckham

AH, pity professional footballers, living in their own bubble, with little or no understanding of the real world. They’re so gullible.

Witness David Beckham, who was tricked into thinking he had yanked off someone’s arm off at an England event yesterday. Fabio Capello’s squad was meeting the brave men and women of our armed forces, at their Colney training HQ, when a mischievous Marine decided to play a prank on Becks. Off the Post takes up the story:

Commando Ben McBean, who lost a leg and an arm in an explosion in Afghanistan, was listening to Becks tell him how he could not imagine life with one leg. The Marine told Beckham that you get used to it and held his hand out for a friendly handshake, only for Becks to be left holding the arm when the handshake was over as Ben screamed: “My arm! My arm!”

Ben said: “As he shook my hand I let it slip from the socket. He looked like he would faint.”

Impressed by how well the gag had gone, Ben later pulled the same trick on John Terry!

There was no news on whether any of England’s players also fell for the shoe polish-on-telescope trick.

Posted: 25th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (4)


Lance Armstrong Tweets his broken collarbone

LANCE Armstrong, cancer survivor and cycling legend, is one of the most avid celebrity Tweeters. He updates regularly, and unlike most celebs, he usually has something to say for himself.

Even after breaking his collarbone, in Spain’s Vuelta Castilla y Leon race, didn’t stop the intrepid Armstrong from updating his Twitter profile, including this photo of him at Madrid airport.

His post-breakage Tweets included the following:

“I’m alive! Broken clavicle (right). Hurts like hell for now. Surgery in a couple of days. Thanks for all the well wishes.”

“Sitting here with @johanbruyneel at his house. Glass of wine, cheese and crackers. Now going to bed. Night, y’all.”

“Sitting in the airport getting ready to fly home. Layover in NYC then ATX!!”

“Btw, hard to tweet left handed.”

Now that’s an addicted Tweeter.

The injury shouldn’t keep Armstrong out of this year’s Tour de France, which should silence all of the cynics who think this is all some sort of controversy theory designed to avoid testing positive for drugs. A ridiculous notion.

Posted: 24th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Daredevil plunges 127ft off waterfall

THE dark speck in the picture is foolish brave kayaker Pedro Olivia. The Brazilian plummeted 127ft over the Salto Belo waterfalls in his homeland, smashing the previous world record of 108ft.

To put this achievement into some perspective, Niagara Falls only reaches heights of around 110ft on the American side. We don’t know how Olivia fitted his enormous testicles in the canoe with him.

Posted: 24th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Brazilian footballer forced to wear dress in training

BRAZILIAN club Figueirense have incorporated cross-dressing into their training sessions. Coach Roberto Fernandes makes out-of-form players train in a skimpy frock (see photo). What would Brian Clough have made of it? Not much, we imagine.

The dress is credited with an upturn in the form of midfielder Jairo, who is the man in the picture to your left.

Fernandes claims Jairo put in his best performance for the second-division club in the next match after wearing the dress in training.

Watch a local news report on the story below:

Posted: 24th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (2)


Leaked Pictures Of Manchester United’s New Kit

LEAKED pictures Of Manchester United’s new, new, new, new kit…

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Posted: 24th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1)


Italian Wags Bet They Can Seduce Beckham

WHAT odds on David Beckham scoring off the field in Italy?

Stories abound that a coven of Italian WAGs have bet £20,000 on which of them can bed Becks.

Grazia magazine – “Euro WAG s hatch bet to bed David – see Becks working the tables at a cancer do, with “kisses”, “chat!” and “the odd shoulder squeeze”.

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Posted: 24th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


F1 teams challenge new scoring system

THE new F1 season hasn’t even started and already it’s time to call in the lawyers.

A statement emailed to Anorak by McLaren’s PR office reveals that none of the F1 teams is happy with the FIA’s controversial new scoring system, which is based only on who wins the most races in a season.

The statement in full:

“Following the decision of the World Motorsport Council of the 17 March 2009 to change the way the drivers’ championship is awarded, the Teams gathered and unanimously agreed to question the validity of this decision.

FOTA had made a proposal that was carefully based on the results of a Global Audience Survey, which allowed listening to preferences of the public, and all the Teams firmly believe that these indications should be properly taken into account.

The amendment to the sporting regulations proposed by the World Motorsport Council was not performed in accordance with the procedure provided for by Appendix 5 of the Sporting Regulations and, as per the provisions of the article 199 of the FIA International Sporting Code, it is too late for FIA to impose a change for the 2009 season that has not obtained the unanimous agreement of all the competitors properly entered into the 2009 Formula 1 Championship.

Since the change to the scoring system unanimously agreed by the Teams and proposed to FIA did not receive approval of the WMSC, no change can occur in 2009, and the Teams wish to reaffirm their willingness to collaborate with the FIA in order to jointly define a new point system for the 2010 season within a comprehensive set of measures aimed at further stimulating the attractiveness of the F1 Sport.”

In other words, this could get messy. Fair enough too – the new system, which could see a world champion crowned just half-way through a season, is barmy.

Posted: 20th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Champions League quarter final draw

Here’s how the balls came out, so to speak:

Villarreal v Arsenal
Manchester United v FC Porto
Liverpool v Chelsea
Barcelona v Bayern Munich

(The winner of Villarreal v Arsenal will play the winner of Man Utd v Porto in one semi final, which means you don’t have to be a genius to guess what happens in the other side of the draw).

The Anorak verdict:

Not Liverpool v Chelsea again, please! – that was about the only requisite for this draw, and Uefa f**ked it up. We all know from previous experience that when those two teams meet in Europe they cancel each other out and you end up with football that no one wants to watch, not even some fans of the two clubs. What is this, like the 50th time they’ve met in the CL in the last few seasons. Almost, or that’s how it feels. For the record, Chelsea will pull off a minor shock by knocking out Liverpool.

The other English teams, Man Utd and Arsenal, must be very content to have drawn the so-called weaker teams left. United will surely be too strong for Porto, and Arsenal – who are getting stronger as the season goes on, albeit too late for their league chances – have more than a fighting chance of getting past Villarreal.

Posted: 20th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (2)


White man can’t jump (with video evidence)

WHEN you’re pushing 7ft tall, as many basketball players do, dunking the ball is not that difficult. Finding new, athletic ways to dunk the ball – that’s not so easy, even for big men.

So hats off to Wyoming’s Adam Waddell, who has found a new way to send the basketball home. It’s not particularly safe, but it is new…

It’s a FAIL, but tinged with success.

Posted: 20th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Ten-pin bowlers brawl over etiquette

“Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules? Mark it zero!”

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Posted: 20th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


FAIL! Boxer punches himself in the face

THIS is Tyson Fury. Yes, that’s his real name. No, you couldn’t make it up. He’s a rising star on the British boxing scene, which is not surprising given his awesome name.

We would like to tell him he’s the recipient of Anorak’s Fail of the Day, but he’s 6ft8in, built like a tank and from gypsy stock, so we wouldn’t mind if he never found out about this. It’ll be our little secret.

Watch the furious Tyson clock himself in the face, after the click…

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Posted: 19th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Prodigy Watch: white kids can’t jump, can shoot

BUT Dad, I just want to play with my toys.

Shut up and put the ball in the damned hoop, son. We’re headed for the NBA, you and me…

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Posted: 19th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Man Utd legend praised for the size of his bulge

WELL, we say legend but we actually mean Gary Pallister, who is considered one of United’s best central defenders of the last 30 years, if not quite an all-out legend.

Anyway, we demand that you check out what can happen when a live phone-in takes a weird turn…

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Posted: 19th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Manchester United Star Says It With Shrubs

WHICH Manchester United has had a giant shrubbery (isn’t ‘shrubbery’ a lovely word) spelling out MUFC planted on an embankment outside his Bolton mansion?

Those of you who know Man Utd’s players well will get this straight away.

Answer after the click…

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Posted: 19th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Dutch star invents new goal celebration

ANORAK was very tickled by Boudewijn Zenden’s goal celebration after he scored for Marseille against Paris Saint Germain. And everything was going so well until he jumped onto the box…

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Posted: 18th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


Top five football spitters

ARSENAL star Cesc Fabregas has today been accused of spitting at Hull City’s assistant manager, Brian Horton, after the Gooners’ 2-1 FA Cup win on Monday. Fabregas has denied the allegation, but this nonetheless gives Anorak the chance to pay tribute to five great football gobbers…

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Posted: 18th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (4)


The new worst dive in football history! (with video evidence)

THIS weekend, which Premier League star tried to win a penalty with the most outrageous dive you’ve ever seen? (Clue: it’s not Cristiano Ronaldo or Steven Gerrard).

The 10 Greatest Football Dives Ever

Find out after the click…

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Posted: 17th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


FAIL! Man Utd warm-up singer has undesired effect

ANORAK has discovered the real reason why Man Utd were stuffed at home by arch rivals Liverpool…

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Posted: 17th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (3)