Big rat news in the unofficial big rat news newspaper, the Daily Star, which leads with “New Plague of Giant Rats – Nest of 2ft beasts found on housing estate.” We meet “shocked rat-catcher” – get this – Lord Dean Burr, who “snared” a family of “monster rats” on a housing estate in Tooting, south London.
Lord Burr, “who inherited his title after the death of his uncle”, says the big rats are too big for the traps. To paraphrase Jaws, we’re gonna need a bigger trap.
Of course, all this works on the assumption that people don’t much like rats. We can sympathise with gassed badgers and foxes being chased by deranged red-trousered toffs on sweating horses before being barbarically ripped apart, but we all want rats dead. And these hideous rats are getting larger, which means only one thing: they’ve escaped from a Tory breeding farm. The pro-hunt lobby plans to inflict upon the bien pensant metropolitan elite a swarm of fox-sized rats so terrifying that very soon wholly liberals will understand the need to control vermin.
Bans on hunting with dogs will be repealed, allowing the aristocrats to continue their bloody sport in farm, field and the underground carpark on an inner city estate.
Up the tofu mountain we trudge to Highgate, where James Atherton is looking to rent out his toilet. James owns a standalone bog inside a block of flats at the bottom of Highgate West Hill. He tells the Camden New Journal:
““The bus drivers in Highgate don’t have a toilet. I thought they might be interested in buying it, or maybe three of them could get together and rent it.”
Instead of pissing on Parliament Hill Fields, drivers will spend a penny £3,000 to slash all over James’s plumbed potty. He then puns:
“I hope they don’t shut the public toilets in Pond Square because they are needed but it would be good news for me in a business sense.”
Says one local: “It’d make an ideal starter home.”
“It’s nothing I ever came across so I didn’t know what to do,” says Burger King employee Ethan Grewe, who works at the eatery in Coon Rapids, Minnesota,. “The caller told my manager the fire department were detecting dangerous levels of gas and if we didn’t break the windows the building would explode. I guess I was a little scared. My other co-workers were doing it so I just followed along.”
To Florida, where 60-year-old Victoria Reid has been arrested on charges of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon domestic violence and aggravated assault domestic violence.
She is said to have challenged her husband of 16 years over his affair.
Reid demanded that her husband sit on the couch and told him that she was going to maim him and give him post-traumatic stress disorder, from which she said she also suffers, according to deputies. Reid taunted her husband and threatened to shoot him in the face and chest and kill him, officials said. Reid shot her husband in his left knee, but the bullet travelled up his thigh and lodged in his testicles…
Vale, Charlie, the African Grey parrot, who breathed his last at The Rising Sun in Kemsing, Kent, his home for 40 years. Says Charlie’s landlady Michele Hunter:
“He did all the things which were bad for him. His favourite foods were cashew nuts and pork scratchings, which makes sense when he lived in a pub, I suppose. I found him lying in the bottom of his cage, holding a pork scratching. So he must have been happy at the time he died, as he was eating away.”
Let us pray for Acomb Parish Church, in York, where “Chris is Risen”.
Says Assistant Curate Ned Lunn: “The pastor at the Baptist Church is actually called Chris. He’s got to get up for a sunrise service at 6.30am on Easter Sunday. His predecessor didn’t manage to get up for the service last year.”
Loud Whisper of the Day is the story of State troopers in Massachusetts who pulled over a car and searched it. Jordan Johnson, Ethan Richards and Carrie Tutsock were caught travelling at 11 mph above the speed limit.
The cops noticed the crack pipe resting on the front passenger’s leg. They find two more crack pipes, scales, needles, bags of heroin and a small quantity of crack cocaine.
In the back of the police car, Tutsock allegedly turned to Johnson and Richards whispered, “I don’t think they found all the stuff in the car.” Police return to the trio’s vehicle, where they discovered a Coca Cola can containing 230 baggies of heroin.
Johnson, Tutsock and Richards were arraigned in Northampton District Court on Thursday and were each charged with possession with the intent to distribute a Class A drug.
The message is that if you want to hoodwink the cops, hide your drugs inside a vessel labelled ‘Coke’ and play dumb – but not as dumb as Tutsock, obviously.
To Massachusetts, where police are searching for two men challenging passers-by to rap battles.
Charlton police said a black SUV with two or three men in their late teens or early 20s inside, pulled up to three young teenage boys on Dresser Hill Road at about 3pm on Saturday.
One of the men, described as having brown hair and a pale complexion, wearing a grey T-shirt, gray pants and open-toed sandals, got out of the vehicle and started rapping while the other men asked the boys if they wanted to “spit some bars” with them.
When the boys declined, the SUV drove off.
Open-toed sandals. Singing. Brown hair… pale. Hanging out with other men. It’s the second coming!
When Anna Reed of Spirit Lake, Iowa, dropped keys to her rented car down a public toilet she did as any rational human being would have done: she called the plumberlocksmith rental office police.
When police arrived they asked Reed for her name. They ran it through the big computer and spotted an outstanding warrant for possession of a controlled substance. For added oomph, she told them there were drugs in the locked car.
The police called a locksmith, who opened the car door, allowing the officers inside to find a “large variety of prescription pills and a small amount of marijuana”.
Reed has been charged with possession of marijuana, possession of a controlled substance, and possession or use of drug paraphernalia.
Police were unable to retrieve the key from the toilet, which, like Reed, remain in deep shit.
“A man exposed himself to a young mother on her way to watch her child in a school play,” reports the Stoke Sentinel. Tony Cartlidge is 24. He flashed his penis at a woman on the street. When she pushed him away, he asked her, “What’s up? You’re not normally like this.”
Police were called. Cartlidge told them he thought the woman was his ex-partner. He hoped showing her his penis would win her back.
It never did work out. Cartlidge earned a 12-month community order with a rehabilitation activity requirement for 20 days. His ex remains at large and, one images, in heavy disguise.
A woman from Shasta County, California, led law enforcement officers on a high-speed pursuit in a van painted to look like the ‘Mystery Machine’ from the Scooby Doo cartoon. On Sunday at 12:50pm, a probation officer with Shasta County Probation contacted Redding Police Department regarding Sharon Kay Turman, 51, wanted for a probation violation.
According to police, Turman was found operating the 1994 Chrysler minivan painted teal and green. When officers tried to conduct a traffic stop, Turman took off in the van. A pursuit began as Turman sped away. The chase came to a stop, but Turman continued to speed southbound, said police.
Turman then drove through an intersection against a red light hitting four other vehicles. The California Highway Patrol helicopter later located the van just north of Anderson. Officers said Turman then continued the chase through the city of Anderson and onto Interstate 5 at speeds of over 100 mph.
Turman continued onto Highway 36 westbound, where she was spotted by the CHP helicopter abandoning her vehicle. Turman’s current whereabouts are unknown. She is wanted by the Redding Police Department as well as Shasta County Probation. Anyone with information regarding the whereabouts of Sharon Kay Turnman is encouraged to contact the Redding Police Department.
In what Dallas police are calling a glide-by shooting, a man has been shot by a felon riding a hoverboard:
Police were called to a RaceTrac gas station shortly after 4am. A man was found with a gunshot wound to his arm. The man told police he was driving when he offered to give the man on the hoverboard a ride.* The hoverboard rider, a black male with dreadlocks, declined. The driver came back about 30 minutes later and offered a ride again, but that angered the hoverboard rider – so the man on the hoverboard shot the driver in the right arm.
Police scoured the area but the shooter glided away from capture.
*The man’s story sounds about a straight-up as anyone whose ever tried and failed to ride a hoverboard.
To Nebraska City, where two boys are watching the movie Mommie Dearest. The film’s bio runs:
Mommie Dearest, best selling memoir, turned motion picture, depicts the abusive and traumatic adoptive upbringing of Christina Crawford at the hands of her mother…screen queen Joan Crawford.
The two young movie fans, ages 4 and 6, may one day get to write a sequel of sorts in their own memoirs because their mum’s boyfriend, Glenn Oliver, 30, has duct-taped them to their chairs. Mary K. Lucas wanted her sons to watch the movie to show them she wasn’t the world’s meanest mom.
Mommy Dearest 2
When she went out to work, Oliver tried to make sure the kids did as mum wanted by forcing them to watch the show.
Someone looking in spotted the children glued to their seats inside a filthy home. They called the police. And now sweet Oliver has been sentenced to three years in prison.
Ellis C. Battista, 24, is charged with one count of breaking and entering, a fourth-degree felony. At around 3:30am, Battista and another man went to purchase a pack of cigarettes at Bradley’s convenience store.
The store normally operates 24 hours a day, but the clerk was not on duty and the store was locked. Store surveillance cameras and witnesses confirmed that Battista pounded on the store’s front door several times in an apparent attempt to gain the attention of the store clerk, who was not there.