Ronald McDonald has been shot at a fast-food restaurant on the USA. Police need not round-up the usual suspect – Hamburglar, Jamie Oliver, France – because Telvin Drummond, 24, from Lumberton, North Carolina, is helping them with their enquiries.
Mr McDonald was shot during an argument behind a Sonic Drive-In restaurant. Reports say the two began shooting at each other and Ronald McDonald was hit.
He’s ok. It is very likely that Mr McDonald cannot be killed by conventional weapons.
To Chicago in search of nominative determinism. We find Larry Gambles. Mr Gambles just won a $1,050,000 Lucky Day Lotto jackpot prize. He says: “Nine years ago, I won $50,000 playing the numbers from the jerseys of my high school basketball team. I’ve been playing the same numbers ever since. I can’t believe they paid off again.”
To the World Nose Championship took place in Langenbruck, Bavaria, Germany, where the search to find the world’s biggest human nose is on. Hosted by the Langenbruck Nose Club, founded by hop-growers in 1961, the rules are clear: noses must be at least four centimetres wide or six centimetres long for men and five centimetres long for women. The largest nose is defined by adding the length and width.
The winner (men’s) was Hans Roest. “People with big noses are happy, friendly people,” said Susanne Kloiber who won the women’s event.
To Nashville, Tennessee, to see Multi-tasker of the Day, Jonisia Morris, 25, answer charges that she robbed a man on whom she was performing a sex act.
The police report alleges Morris, 25, was “performing oral sex on the victim while sitting in a car located at the Clarion Hotel”. Morris is claimed to have taken the man’s wallet from his trousers, removed the debit card, secreted it under the passenger seat and then returned the wallet back into the man’s pocket all whilst fellating him.
Russell Hawkins cultivates the Carolina Reaper chilli pepper – the world’s hottest vegetable. Hawkins thought it a worthwhile experiment to see what happens if he vaped the red-hot chilli pepper and rubbed the stuff in his eyes.
To Bellevue, Ohio, where the local Police Department bring news of Ashley England (right above), Mary Jordan (left above), and Sammie Whaley. The trip were arrested on June 8 for allegedly assaulting a female McDonald’s worker “because she was working too slowly when dealing with three woman and their family and friends from Sandusky Ohio.”
Thanks to the use of security video, three arrests have been made in a physical altercation yesterday, 6/8/2016 at McDonalds here in Bellevue involving a female employee being assaulted in the parking lot because she was working too slowly when dealing with three woman and their family and friends from Sandusky Ohio.
This afternoon Ashley England, Mary Jordan and Sammie Whaley were arrested and taken into custody by Bellevue Police. England was charged with assault, theft and child endangerment. Jordan was charged with assault and child endangerment. England and Jordan’s child endangerment charges are due to the fact they had their children present with them and participating in the incident. Whaley was also charged with assault.
To West Virginia where a prisoner is upset medics removed marbles he had implanted in his tattooed penis.
The 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals says Adrian King can pursue claims that officials at Huttonsville Correctional Center illegally threatened him into consenting to the June 2013 surgery, “or risk being segregated from other inmates and lose his eligibility for parole.”
“The interest in bodily integrity involves the most personal and deep-rooted expectations of privacy, and here, the nature of the surgery itself, surgery into King’s penis, counsels against reasonableness,” says the Virginia-based appeals court.
King now complains of “tingling and numbness” when his bellend is touched “or when it rains, snows or gets cold.” Or when he puts it in blender, uses it to mix drinks in a coffee shop, or fills it with ink and uses it as a biro. If King’s penis history is any guide, his knob could end up in all manner of unusual situations.
King adds that officials hurt his feelings whenever they called him “Marble Man”.
King, who is seeking compensatory and punitive damages, is (ball)baring up well.
“We put the bag in the fridge straight away and had our first serving on Saturday night,” says Ian Lovejoy to the Henley Standard.
“It’s horrible to think about that now because it pooed everywhere and we were left wondering what we’d eaten. We decided to have the rest on Sunday but when I dropped the leaves on my plate I just saw this thing in my hand. I thought, ‘what on earth is this?’.
“It frightened me to death and my wife was extremely upset. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life.
“I could probably have coped if it was something small, like an ant, but this was more like something from the Bible. I can’t believe it was still alive after all that time in the bag, first on the shelf and then in our fridge.
“It’s worrying because the bag says the salad’s ready washed but they obviously haven’t cleaned it that well. When the shock had passed we just had some cheese sandwiches… I’d like to think the locust might go to an insect expert who can find a use for it.”
That salad sounds revolting – even a locust won’t eat the stuff.
In Wales there are dragons. There are also unicorns.Turks know this, which is why Turkey’s customs officers allowed Emily Harris, 98, to pass though customs with a passport identifying her as a unicorn.
The passport belongs to Emily’s toy unicorn, Lily Harris. Emily’s mum, Nicky, handed it to the boarder goons who stamped it and waved Nicky through.
Says Nicky, 43, from Cwmbran, South Wales: “I didn’t realise until I was putting the passports away. There was a moment of panic when I thought someone would come chasing after us, but nothing. The passport doesn’t even look real – it’s got gold teddy bears on the front and was a completely different size from mine and my husband, Allen’s. The man even asked Emily how old she was, and she told him nine, before he stamped it. The picture ID wasn’t even of Emily, it was of a pink unicorn. And to make it worse, the unicorn wasn’t even on holiday with us.
She adds: “It’s a worry to any parent, how easy it would be to smuggle a child through customs and into another country.”
Joseph Fuller, 65, picked up the wrong child went he meant to collect his grandson from Edisto Primary School in South Carolina on May 19.
He was not alone in this case of mistaken identity:
The report said the grandfather approached the boy, gave him a hug, and said he was there to pick him up early. He asked the boy, who he thought was his grandson, if he was ready to go and the little boy said “yes.” A teacher’s assistant told deputies that she asked the student, “Was this your granddad?” and the student said “yes.” At that point, the report said, the student and the man went to the front office so the boy could be signed out. According to the school, the grandfather was on the approved list of people who can pick up students. The report goes on to say the grandfather put the child in his car and his wife, without turning around in the car, handed the boy a Happy Meal.
When they got home, Fuller looked at the child again. “He had a tooth missing in the front, and I know my grandson did not have a tooth missing in the front,” he says. “Immediately, I brought him back to school, and I am very sorry.”
How did the baby opossum get into a San Diego, California, woman’s toilet? She says she has no idea how the creature got there. San Diego County Animal Services don’t believe the opossum crawled through the plumbing.
Which makes your wonder if it was something she ate? Or if that luxury toilet paper is a little too bulky to flush…
Last week in Yellowstone National Park, visitors were cited for placing a newborn bison calf in their vehicle and transporting it to a park facility because of their misplaced concern for the animal’s welfare.
In terms of human safety, this was a dangerous activity because adult animals are very protective of their young and will act aggressively to defend them. In addition, interference by people can cause mothers to reject their offspring.
In this case, park rangers tried repeatedly to reunite the newborn bison calf with the herd. These efforts failed. The bison calf was later euthanized because it was abandoned and causing a dangerous situation by continually approaching people and cars along the roadway.
Do you trust machines? Would you buy a driverless car? To Tobermory, Ontario, Canada, where a 23-year-old woman who followed her car’s SatNav instructions ended up in a harbour.
Ontario Provincial Police say the driver “took a wrong turn into Little Tub Harbour… weather conditions and the driver being new to the area, a fully submerged vehicle was the result,” police said. The woman escaped by sliding from the car’s window and swimming 30 metres to the shore in 4°C water.
To a park in Nuneaton, Warwickshire, where a dog walker has found an ear lying on the grass. He calls Warwickshire Police. They explain:
“Police were called to reports of a human ear being found in parkland near Frensham Drive, Nuneaton. The call was made with good intentions but thankfully the ear turned out to be a prosthetic and this incident is now closed.”
A prosthetic human ear? Anyone out there with wonky glasses?
It reminds me of David Lynch’s 1986 film, Blue Velvet. Jeffrey Beaumont (Kyle Maclachlan) finds a severed / prosthetic ear in a field. Lynch explained:
“I don’t know why it had to be an ear. Except it needed to be an opening of a part of the body, a hole into something else… The ear sits on the head and goes right into the mind so it felt perfect”.
To Miami International Airport, Florida, where a naked Ricardo Nogales, 47, is being arrested on a breach of security charge after he jumped the perimeter fence and entered the restricted airfield area.
Miami-Dade Police says Nogales is a Cuban national. He’s also unemployed. He said he jumped the fence because he wanted to go back to Cuba.
Big rat news in the unofficial big rat news newspaper, the Daily Star, which leads with “New Plague of Giant Rats – Nest of 2ft beasts found on housing estate.” We meet “shocked rat-catcher” – get this – Lord Dean Burr, who “snared” a family of “monster rats” on a housing estate in Tooting, south London.
Lord Burr, “who inherited his title after the death of his uncle”, says the big rats are too big for the traps. To paraphrase Jaws, we’re gonna need a bigger trap.
Of course, all this works on the assumption that people don’t much like rats. We can sympathise with gassed badgers and foxes being chased by deranged red-trousered toffs on sweating horses before being barbarically ripped apart, but we all want rats dead. And these hideous rats are getting larger, which means only one thing: they’ve escaped from a Tory breeding farm. The pro-hunt lobby plans to inflict upon the bien pensant metropolitan elite a swarm of fox-sized rats so terrifying that very soon wholly liberals will understand the need to control vermin.
Bans on hunting with dogs will be repealed, allowing the aristocrats to continue their bloody sport in farm, field and the underground carpark on an inner city estate.
Up the tofu mountain we trudge to Highgate, where James Atherton is looking to rent out his toilet. James owns a standalone bog inside a block of flats at the bottom of Highgate West Hill. He tells the Camden New Journal:
““The bus drivers in Highgate don’t have a toilet. I thought they might be interested in buying it, or maybe three of them could get together and rent it.”
Instead of pissing on Parliament Hill Fields, drivers will spend a penny £3,000 to slash all over James’s plumbed potty. He then puns:
“I hope they don’t shut the public toilets in Pond Square because they are needed but it would be good news for me in a business sense.”
Says one local: “It’d make an ideal starter home.”
“It’s nothing I ever came across so I didn’t know what to do,” says Burger King employee Ethan Grewe, who works at the eatery in Coon Rapids, Minnesota,. “The caller told my manager the fire department were detecting dangerous levels of gas and if we didn’t break the windows the building would explode. I guess I was a little scared. My other co-workers were doing it so I just followed along.”
To Florida, where 60-year-old Victoria Reid has been arrested on charges of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon domestic violence and aggravated assault domestic violence.
She is said to have challenged her husband of 16 years over his affair.
Reid demanded that her husband sit on the couch and told him that she was going to maim him and give him post-traumatic stress disorder, from which she said she also suffers, according to deputies. Reid taunted her husband and threatened to shoot him in the face and chest and kill him, officials said. Reid shot her husband in his left knee, but the bullet travelled up his thigh and lodged in his testicles…
Vale, Charlie, the African Grey parrot, who breathed his last at The Rising Sun in Kemsing, Kent, his home for 40 years. Says Charlie’s landlady Michele Hunter:
“He did all the things which were bad for him. His favourite foods were cashew nuts and pork scratchings, which makes sense when he lived in a pub, I suppose. I found him lying in the bottom of his cage, holding a pork scratching. So he must have been happy at the time he died, as he was eating away.”