Man Charged For Having Sex With A Bicycle: Boneshaker Arrested
THERE is no gentle way of saying this: Robert Stewart has been placed on the sex offenders’ register after being caught “trying” to have sex with a bicycle.
Cycle enthusiast Stewart was at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland, in October last year. Two cleaners came in.
The rest is so much court testimony as Mr Stewart stands before the Beak at Ayr Sheriff Court and admits to a sexual breach of the peace.
Deputy fiscal Gail Davidson relays the scene: “They [the cleaners] knocked on the door several times and there was no reply. They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down. The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex.”
It is not known if Ms Davidson demonstrated this movement. But legal types wishing to re-enact the scene should take care to lock the door and keep a can of WD40 to hand. As recorded: “Here at the Telegraph offices, we have spent much of the afternoon trying to work out the ins and outs of this, so to speak.” Full report to follow.
Mr Stewart has been placed on the sex offenders’ register.
He awaits sentencing and we wonder what punishment should fit the crime? Should the instrument be taken into account? Was the abused bicycle a tandem, a Penny Farthing or a willing and up-for-it boneshaker. If, say it were a child’s trike, we believe Mr Stewart should be stripped naked and hauled across hot tarmac.
Although, this may be less of a punishment than a joy - Anorak recalls the name Karl Watkins, an electrician, jailed for inappropriate sexual contact with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993.
And we revisit our earlier question and wonder how you can punish a man who has sex with a bike in way that will bring satisfaction to the decent, but no satisfaction to the guilty..?
November 26th, 2007 at 8:02 am
[...] recent times, Anorak has found cause to comment on a man who had sex with a bicycle (proven) and another who attempted to romance a fence [...]
November 19th, 2007 at 2:03 am
OOOH!
I haven’t tried WD-40 yet!
November 18th, 2007 at 11:29 pm
[...] The story can be read here… [...]
November 8th, 2007 at 10:24 am
This case, where a man has, apparently, been charged with a “sexual breach of the peace” for attempting sex with a bicycle is interesting. The court does not record if the bicycle was a willing participant in the act or indeed if the bicycle was a male or female velocipede. Now on perusing Flan O Brien’s book “The Third Policeman” I see that Flann puts forward the bold theory that, through an exchange of atomic particles, a bicycle rider, after a time, can become part bicycle, part human and indeed a bicycle can become part human, part bicycle. Following this theory then Robert Stewart was only guilty of performing a sexual act with himself….surely not an indictable offence.
The Third Policeman, by Flann O’Brien
Excerpt
“Atomics is a very intricate theorem and can be worked out with algebra but you would want to take it by degrees because you might spend the whole night proving a bit of it with rulers and cosines and similar other instruments and then at the wind-up not believe what you had proved at all. If that happened you would have to go back over it till you got a place where you could believe your own facts and figures as delineated from Hall and Knight’s Algebra and then go on again from that particular place till you had the whole thing properly believed and not have bits of it half-believed or a doubt in your head hurting you like when you lose the stud of your shirt in bed.”
“Very true,” I said.
“Consequently and consequentially,” he continued, “you can safely infer that you are made of atoms yourself and so is your fob pocket and the tail of your shirt and the instrument you use for taking the leavings out of the crook of your hollow tooth. Do you happen to know what takes place when you strike a bar of iron with a good coal hammer or with a blunt instrument?”
“What?”
“When the wallop falls, the atoms are bashed away down to the bottom of the bar and compressed and crowded there like eggs under a good clucker. After a while in the course of time they swim around and get back at last to where they were. But if you keep hitting the bar long enough and hard enough they do not get a chance to do this and what happens?”
“That is a hard question.”
“Ask a blacksmith for the true answer and he will tell you that the bar will dissipate itself away by degrees if you persevere with the hard wallops. Some of the atoms of the bar will go into the hammer and the other half into the table or the stone or the particular article that is underneath the bottom of the bar.”
“That is well-known,” I agreed.
“The gross and net result of it is that people who spent most of their natural lives riding iron bicycles over the rocky roadsteads of this parish get their personalities mixed up with the personalities of their bicycle as a result of the interchanging of the atoms of each of them and you would be surprised at the number of people in these parts who nearly are half people and half bicycles.”
I let go a gasp of astonishment that made a sound in the air like a bad puncture.
“And you would be flabbergasted at the number of bicycles that are half-human almost half-man, half-partaking of humanity.”